Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
Ahmad* (28) and Toyosi* (26) met in a strip club in 2024. Glances across the room and a half-hearted “hello” over WhatsApp soon turned into dates, arguments, and a relationship that barely lasted four months.
On this week’s Love Life, they talk about why they couldn’t make things work, the lines between love and control, and how they’ve settled into an unconventional friendship that still includes sex.
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What’s your earliest memory of each other?
Toyosi: We met at a strip club in March 2024. I was third wheeling with my friend and her boyfriend, who was celebrating his birthday. We’d gone to a restaurant and a nightclub, but the guy wanted to do something wild. He jokingly mentioned a strip club, and my friend insisted. I had reservations because I’d never been to one, but I had no choice since I was riding home with them.
A few minutes after we settled in, I noticed Ahmad. We stole a few glances, and he eventually approached me for a chat. The music was so loud we could barely hear each other. He asked me to step outside, but I wouldn’t do that with a stranger. When he noticed I didn’t want to leave, he asked for my number and returned to his seat after I gave it to him.
What did you notice about him?
Toyosi: He was seated alone and didn’t entertain the ladies who approached him for lap dances or all that touchy stuff. He was just keen on staring and drinking. I found that interesting, especially since most of the other men were touching the strippers. Even my friend’s boyfriend had another lady giving him a lap dance.
Ahmad: I remember that night. It wasn’t my first time there; I was a regular and knew most of the faces. When Toyosi and her friends walked in, I knew they were newcomers. I could also tell she was third wheeling.
After I caught her looking in my direction more than once, I boldly stepped up to approach her. Funny thing is, I’d never done that. I had a personal rule of never approaching ladies in a club because it hardly bodes well. I think she was coming from work, and she looked really pretty in her skirt suit. In my head, I was like, “wetin corporate baddie dey find for strip club?” Anyway, she wouldn’t stop stealing glances, so I approached and got her number. I knew I wanted to see her again.
Did that happen?
Ahmad: Not immediately. After that day, I left several messages for her, but she never responded. I checked one last time after the second or third day, and she still didn’t reply. After that, I moved on.
Toyosi: That week, I was writing a professional exam and barely had time for my phone. I even muted app notifications just to focus. By the weekend, when I finally had some free time, I opened my WhatsApp and saw several messages from him. At that point, I didn’t even remember giving anyone my number. I contemplated responding because I didn’t want to explain myself to a stranger but sent a casual “hello” anyway. He responded almost immediately.
Ahmad: As much as I thought I’d moved on, I was relieved to see her “hello”, even though she’d ignored my earlier messages. We talked that day, and while her responses were flat, she agreed to a lunch date the next day. That was where we really met each other properly. I don’t think the strip club counted.
Right. How did the date go?
Ahmad: It was beautiful. Because of her flat messages, a part of me assumed she would be stuck up. But she wasn’t. From the moment Toyosi arrived, she joked about how I was observing people at the strip club like a hawk. We talked about multiple random and personal things.
Toyosi: He’s right. The date went better than I expected. I went with a “let’s hear what this one has to say” mindset because I was seeing multiple potentials at the time, and Ahmad was just another guy. But he turned out to be really cute and interesting. He paid so much attention to me and checked if I was okay. We talked about family, our dreams and, most importantly, why two “responsible” people ended up at a strip club.
At the end of the date, I knew there was something there. I wasn’t sure what, but I was willing to go with the flow.
Let’s talk about the “flow,” how did that go?
Ahmad: We spent the next two months getting to know each other. We went out on dates, visited the strip club a couple more times together, and had fun. I was clear on making us official, but Toyosi said she needed time. I didn’t understand why because we were already moving like a couple, but she didn’t think we were ripe enough.
Toyosi: As much as I loved being with Ahmad, I felt he wasn’t serious partner material. Some signs made me see him as someone to have a good time with rather than build something lasting with. So I stalled, even though I wasn’t really entertaining my other talking stages.
What were these “signs”?
Toyosi: First, there’s the religion part. I didn’t have a problem with him being Muslim, but I had a problem with how he practised. He rarely prayed, he smoked and drank alcohol — things frowned upon in Islam. I have Muslim friends and family, and I know how they practise. Ahmad also loved being outside a lot. His idea of fun was either a club, a restaurant, a local bar — anywhere but indoors. Sure, there was never a dull moment, but the same things I found entertaining were the same reasons I didn’t see him as serious boyfriend material.
But did you discuss these concerns with him?
Toyosi: I didn’t. I didn’t want him to change for me. Like I said, I enjoyed all those things, I just didn’t want them from a partner I could potentially spend my life with. But Ahmad was persistent about putting a tag on us. He wasn’t okay with us moving like a couple without making it official. And he eventually got it.
Ahmad: Even though she didn’t tell me her reasons, I knew. I wasn’t blind to how she sometimes reacted when I lit a cigarette or ignored Friday Jumah. She barely complained, but I knew she didn’t like it. She also stalled when I suggested hitting the road on weekends for a concert or the club.
I think I wanted us to be official because I felt she’d start to demand some of these things she wanted. I was ready to make changes for her; she just had to ask and stand her ground.
You didn’t think they were changes you should have willingly made if you really wanted her?
Ahmad: I didn’t have the self-motivation to stop some of these things. I felt it would’ve been easier if I were accountable to her.
I see. So when did you get a yes from her?
Ahmad: August 2024. We were out celebrating my promotion at a fine dining restaurant, and I used that opportunity to ask again. I wasn’t expecting a yes because I’d already grown accustomed to her usual “not yet” excuse, but she agreed. We had the nastiest sex that night. Maybe three or four rounds?
I’m screaming.
Toyosi: As much as I had all these concerns, Ahmad was sweet, attentive and clear about what he wanted. He was doing well career-wise, and I figured I might be able to turn him around on the other things. Some girls pray for partners they can do the wildest shit with. Ahmad was that partner. It was just a question of getting him to level up on the other fronts.
Right. So how did dating go? Did you succeed in beating him into shape?
Toyosi: It was a disaster. We barely lasted four months before we agreed to pack it up.
Ahmad: I’m not sure that’s how I’ll describe it. We had some sweet early days after we became official. Nothing really changed on the day-to-day front because we’d been acting like a couple long before Toyosi said yes. We already spent weekends together, had a ton of sex, and cared for each other like partners would.
But after we became official, I insisted on meeting her family and introducing her to mine. It wasn’t for marriage or anything, but in my family, we introduce serious partners. It helps keep us grounded and makes us try to work on the relationship.
We only started to have issues when she tried to change me. I wasn’t as easily held accountable as I thought.
Toyosi: Introducing Ahmad to my family was a big deal for me. I wasn’t fine with the idea, but it didn’t feel right every time his mum or siblings asked about my family, and Ahmad hadn’t met them.
After I finally introduced him, I became hellbent on making us work. I started with prayers. I insisted he pray more or switch to Christianity. He obviously wasn’t going to convert, but he was still tepid with his Muslim prayers. I chose hanging out at home over hitting the club. And more importantly, I started tracking his finances.
Ahmad didn’t like any of it. I met stiff resistance every step of the way. He listened two out of ten times, and after a while, I just knew I couldn’t continue. I couldn’t get a grown man to be responsible about his finances or his spiritual life. It was ridiculous.
So I called it off in January 2025. I didn’t want that drama starting my new year.
Why did you resist, Ahmad? You mentioned that you only needed her to ask?
Ahmad: I guess some things only sound practical in theory. When it came down to it, I couldn’t stand her tracking my finances or saying where I could or couldn’t go. I also felt religion is deeply personal. It made no sense that I was only praying because my babe asked me to. I needed to take that journey myself. I still think I tried, but maybe my speed just wasn’t fast enough for her. When she asked to walk away, I felt relieved because I was honestly feeling choked.
There were times I wanted to smoke after a long day at work, and one look from Toyosi made me scared to pick up a cigarette in my own house. It felt weird.
You should be able to relate, bro. Don’t you feel weird when you’re being controlled in your space?
Let’s focus on you, please. How did the break-up go?
Ahmad: The best decision we made.
Toyosi: He’s only saying that because he’s convinced we’re still a thing. From the start, I knew Ahmad wasn’t serious boyfriend material. He’s someone you have fun with when you want a low-commitment fling.
Breaking up didn’t mean we stopped talking, or I threw him out of my life. I just needed the clarity that whatever we had wasn’t serious. We’ve continued doing what we did before the relationship tag, and it’s worked so far. We still have sex — in fact, he’s the only person I’m sexually active with. We still go out together and spend time in each other’s houses, but that’s about it. We’ll end it when we both find serious partners or get bored.
Doesn’t this new arrangement seem weird for someone who was so invested in the boyfriend-girlfriend tag?
Ahmad: Maybe, maybe not. I think it’s a case of realising that what you thought you wanted isn’t what you wanted. At the start, I wanted a relationship so badly with Toyosi and thought making it official was the only way I could have lasting access to her.
But we’ve been broken up for months now, and I’m still at her beck and call, as much as she’s at mine. Sometimes she texts me, “I want to fuck,” and I’ll find time to be with her, and vice versa. I still give her money when she asks, she still crashes at my place, and we’ve both been making it work.
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I wonder how you manage your emotions in something like this. Doesn’t it risk hurting one of you?
Ahmad: We sometimes scout potential serious partners for each other and even joke about what our husbands or wives will look like. That goes to show we aren’t that emotionally attached. If I didn’t press for a relationship when I did, we wouldn’t have the ex-tag. We’d just be two friends with benefits who understand each other perfectly.
Toyosi: I don’t see anyone getting hurt, especially since we both know we tried to make this serious and failed.
But do you see yourself dating Ahmad again if he ticks all you want in a serious boyfriend?
Toyosi: I mean, why not? He’s a good guy. But I plan to get married before 30, and I don’t see him becoming the version of a serious partner I want.
Ahmad: Never say never.
How would you describe what you both have right now, and what’s the best thing about being with each other?
Toyosi: There’s no tag. To be honest, I even hate calling him my ex because I don’t think a four-month relationship makes him an ex. But yeah, I guess “friend with benefits” is a better descriptor.
Through it all, Ahmad is someone I can wholeheartedly call a friend. He’s attentive to my needs, super generous, kind, and we have the best sex.
Ahmad: Toyosi is the first ex I’ve had a healthy relationship with. Normally, when I break up with someone, I never want to cross paths with them again, especially if they were the ones who walked away.
But it’s not like that with Toyosi. I cherish her company. I can tell her anything, and we just get each other.
Toyosi: Point of correction, I’m not your ex.
Ahmad: If you insist.
How would you rate your love life on a scale of 1-10?
Toyosi: A 5 when we dated; it never should have happened. I’ll give us 8 for what we have now.
Ahmad: A 7.5 as lovers and exes. In spite of it all, she was a sweet babe when we dated, and she’s still a sweet babe now that we’re friends with benefits.
*Names have been changed to protect the identity of the subjects.
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