Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
Josh* (34) and Aramide* (29) met through family over a decade ago, but it wasn’t until 2022 that they gave dating a real shot.
On this week’s Love Life, they talk about how years of subtle parental matchmaking led to a relationship, why constant family involvement almost ended it, and why figuring out boundaries remains their biggest work in progress.
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What’s your earliest memory of each other?
Josh: My first memory of Aramide was at my 16th birthday in 2006. I don’t remember all of the details, but the MC said the celebrant (me)had to have a queen. My mum insisted her friend’s daughter would be perfect, and that was Aramide. I still have some of the pictures from that day, and it’s so sweet to think we’ve actually become an item now.
Aramide: I don’t have the pictures, but I remember that day too. My mum insisted on attending the birthday of an old schoolmate she’d just reconnected with. I didn’t want to go because I didn’t know the celebrant and didn’t want to crash anyone’s party. But my mum wasn’t having it. As if forcing me there wasn’t enough, they made me the celebrant’s “princess” and asked me to wear a sash. I was so irritated.
But Josh was super friendly and helped me ease into the whole thing. Still, that was it. We left the party, and I didn’t think much of him again. He wasn’t the first of my mum’s friends’ kids she’d tried to make me befriend. But then, we met again, and more frequently.
Tell me about it.
Josh: My mum was really excited to reconnect with Aramide’s mum. She said they were best friends from primary school through uni before they lost contact. So, when they found each other again, they were bent on staying in each other’s lives. My mum would ensure we attended Aramide’s family events, and she’d invite them to our place whenever we had anything going on.
Because of this, we started seeing more of each other. But we were just shy teenagers and didn’t always have much to say. Our mums wanted us to play and bond, but I preferred watching TV or just observing when I was in other people’s homes. Aramide was similar. So, we didn’t really talk or become close friends.
Aramide: We were mostly cordial. My mum always said he was a family friend, even though I didn’t see him that way. I could’ve sworn my mum had other friends much closer to our family. But I guess I didn’t realise how deep her bond with Josh’s mum ran. Anyway, we eventually stopped seeing each other as much when life got in the way.
What do you mean?
Aramide: I had to move to the UK for school and was away for many years. Josh stayed back in Nigeria. My mum initially said we were both going abroad together, but she came back to say he was staying. I won’t lie, I was slightly heartbroken. Even though we weren’t close, I liked the idea of going to a foreign place with a familiar face. But yeah, I travelled and we barely stayed in touch, save for whenever my mum was at their place and made us speak on the phone.
Josh: The plan was actually to go to the same schoolin the UK. But my parents had some financial constraints and couldn’t afford it anymore, so I settled for a private uni in Nigeria. My mum was really pained. She kept going on about how she wanted both of us to go to school together. I didn’t understand it then, but I guess that was when I should’ve realised she and Aramide’s mum had plans for us.
Right. So, when did you guys reconnect properly and start getting closer?
Josh: 2019. Aramide was back in Nigeria after school. While we were both in relationships, our parents were determined to keep the friendship alive. My mum especially became very persistent. She’d always bring up Aramide and her mum in conversations, and sometimes randomly tell me, “That’s your wife o.” At first, it was funny, but it started getting irritating.
Aramide: My mum didn’t hide her agenda at all. I’d only just returned to Naija and was still nursing the heartbreak of transitioning to a long-distance couple with my then-boyfriend. But anytime I had the tiniest complaint, my mum would just laugh and say, “You know Josh is single, abi?” It was annoying. I kept saying, “Mummy, I’m seeing someone,” but she didn’t rate the guy. She was convinced I was wasting my time. Plus, it wasn’t like I’d kept in touch with Josh over the years. Our relationship had become nonexistent, so I didn’t understand what my mum was driving at.
Josh: My mum didn’t rate my then-girlfriend either. She’d find any excuse to highlight something negative. If my babe didn’t greet her in a particular way, it’d turn into a lecture on respect and upbringing. So there was always that cloud of “Your partner is not it” hanging over my head. But I didn’t care. If anything, it only strengthened my resolve to make the relationship work.
Did it?
Josh: I broke up with my ex in early 2022. We didn’t have any issues; it was just the religion. She felt the relationship was getting too serious, and it made no sense investing if she knew her parents wouldn’t accept a Christian. So we decided to call it off.
By then, Aramide and I were back to being casual friends — we’d text sometimes, maybe bump into each other at family events. My mum also always made sure she had errands for me to Aramide’s house or anything to invite her and her mum over.
Aramide: It wasn’t just his mum, to be fair. I remember my mum invited them under the guise of her birthday dinner, and it was just awkward because they made sure we were seated beside each other. That’s the first time we properly talked, outside the presence of our parents.
Josh: And I liked it. She was funny, sharp, and didn’t take herself too seriously. The old chemistry was still there, but I was just coming out of a relationship, so I wasn’t thinking too far.
Curious, Aramide. You mentioned you were in a relationship, how did that go?
Aramide: We broke up a year after I returned. The distance caused lots of issues around trust and communication. We figured it was best to call it off instead of hurting each other. But I stayed single afterwards. I wasn’t looking to date just because I was new to the Naija dating scene. My ex was Ghanaian, and he was a good guy. I knew if I wanted to get into something again, it had to be with a good partner, and not a random Lagos boy looking to have sex and bail. So, I turned down most advances and focused on work.
Fair enough. So how did things progress up to the point of dating each other?
Aramide: It was gradual. I was one year out of a relationship and just wanted to continue enjoying my peace of mind. Surprisingly, Josh gave me that. He’s super calm and understanding. We’d go out, just the two of us, and I’d get back home thinking about on how much I laughed and felt at ease around him. That was when I thought, “Maybe this could be something.”
Josh: I think I started realising that I was really into her after I kept thinking about her after her mum’s birthday dinner. Suddenly, I started getting excited when my mum sent me on errands to their house. Even when there wasn’t any errand, I started looking for reasons to visit.
We’d known each other from childhood, but it felt like we were really just getting into each other’s worlds as adults, and outside of whatever our mums wanted. My mum was overjoyed.
Aramide: His mum called me to “check in” every two market days. I knew what she was doing, but it was cute.
Josh: I asked her out in February 2023. We were already so used to our families being in our business that it felt natural just to give it a shot.
Sweet. What were the early days of the relationship like?
Aramide: They were good days, but it sometimes felt overwhelming. We had the usual honeymoon phase where everything went smoothly. It almost even felt cute when our mums and other family members commented on our relationship or asked after us from each other. But as much as it was adorable that our families were in sync, there was also the added weight of them being overly invested. If I stayed away from his place in a month, I’d get calls from his mum or texts from his siblings asking if anything was wrong. I didn’t like that bit at all.
Josh: For me, the early days were great. It was the first time I was dating someone my mum fully approved of, so she went all in. She bought stuff for Aramide and included her in plans. Almost like Aramide was the daughter she didn’t have. I’d tell her we went on a date, and she’d call Aramide’s mum for a full report. It was like being in a relationship with her and my mum.
Has family involvement ever caused any serious issues between you?
Aramide: More times than I care to admit. One incident stands out because it almost made us break up. There was a weekend when I had a mini breakdown about how Josh wasn’t showing up for me emotionally. It had been a tough week; he’d cancelled a date and it made me sad. So I called my mum to vent — like I’ve always done. I’m the only daughter of four kids, so she’s been my person for so long that it didn’t feel strange. Minutes after the call, Josh’s mum called him to talk about how he wasn’t caring for me. He was livid.
Josh: I felt blindsided. Imagine waking up to your mum calling to “advise” you on your relationship when you haven’t even had the chance to talk to your partner. I felt betrayed. It wasn’t about the issue; it was the fact that everything — good or bad — got filtered through our mothers before it reached us. I’d overlooked most of the issues because we’d often trashed it. But I felt so bad because I hadn’t even had a chance to talk to her, yet my mum was already tongue-lashing me.
Aramide: If I remember correctly, it caused our biggest fight. He said it felt like four people were in our relationship, and he was right. I didn’t realise how much I defaulted to my mum. She’s always been my first call, even before we started dating. It made me confront how little privacy we had.
Josh: My major grouse was the fact that my mum started viewing me through the lens of those rants. Sometimes, Aramide would vent in a moment of frustration, but to our mums, that was gospel truth. I hated feeling like I was constantly being judged in a relationship that was supposed to be just between us.
Did you ever communicate these feelings to Aramide?
Josh: I did, but not in the best way. I bottled it up until I exploded during one of our arguments. I accused her of sabotaging me to her mum, and by extension, my mum. It wasn’t fair, because I hadn’t explained how much it affected me. I think that fight was what prompted us to talk about boundaries and how we communicated with our families — something we should have done from the beginning of the relationship.
READ THIS TOO: An Abusive Marriage and a Failed Engagement Led Us Back to Each Other
Right. So, how have you managed it since then?
Aramide: It’s been a real struggle. After that big fight, we tried the “don’t tell your mum” rule. It sounded simple, but in practice? Not so much. I’ve always been that person who calls my mum after something good or bad happens. I remember one time last year when Josh forgot our anniversary. I was so pissed, my first reaction was to call my mum and rant. Mid-rant, it hit me: I hadn’t even told Josh how upset I was, but my mum already knew everything. It made me pause and rethink things.
So, for the sake of accountability, I devised a rule that I wouldn’t tell my mum anything I hadn’t said to Josh first. Has it worked 100%? Not really. Sometimes I slipped, like when Josh made a financial decision without telling me. I called my mum out of anger before talking to him, and it caused another issue between us. But I’ve gotten more conscious since then.
Josh: We also have this 24-hour rule now where we try to talk things through before either of us picks up the phone to call home. But like she said, it’s not a magic fix. Some days, it works. Some days, old habits kick in. I’m not going to pretend it’s all rosy. There are still moments where we realise we’ve let third parties in too much. We’re trying, but I don’t think we’ve completely figured it out yet. It’s a work in progress.
Fair enough. Josh, do you ever consider that Aramide’s being the only daughter means her closeness with her mum will always be constant?
Josh: I’ve thought about it a lot. Aramide is very close to her mum, and I understand thatthat I can’t come between that bond. I don’t even want to.
I know it’s unrealistic to make her choose between me and her mum But I’ve also learnt there’s a line between having a close relationship with your mum and letting it affect your romantic relationship. For me, it’s about asking: “Where’s the balance?” Sometimes I’ve had to remind myself that some things are just how her life has always been. It helps me extend grace, but it’s not always easy.
Aramide: My mum’s like my first friend. I talk to her about everything, sometimes without even realising it. But since dating Josh, I’ve learnt that being close to someone doesn’t mean every detail of your relationship should be public knowledge. I guess it wasn’t like that with my exes because she didn’t have access to their parents. Now, there’s stuff I still share with her, but I try to filter it. I’m learning to process things with him before running to my mum. It’s been difficult. But I’m more conscious now of keeping some things just between us.
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Nice. What’s the best thing about being with each other?
Josh: For me, it’s how easy it feels. Aramide is my friend before anything else. I don’t feel like I have to perform or be a certain way. She’s also brutally honest, which keeps me grounded.
Aramide: For me, it’s the comfort. Josh feels like home. We bicker, but I never question if I’m loved. And I love how thoughtful he is — little things like remembering events in personal life that I’ve forgotten or sending me food on stressful days.
On a scale of 1-10, how would you rate your love life?
Josh: 7. Mostly because we’re still figuring out the third-party interference, but aside from that, it’s solid. We joke that we can survive anything if we survive both mothers.
Aramide: Same. An 8.5 because we’ve had to fight harder for our peace than most couples, but it’s also made us stronger. We’ll be at a 10 once we figure out boundaries.
*Names have been changed to protect the identity of the subjects.
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