Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
Gozie* (28) and Amara* (28) met at a Lagos Passport Office in April 2024. What started as a kind gesture—Gozie helping a sick stranger get through her appointment—turned into friendship, and eventually, a relationship.
On this week’s Love Life, they talk about meeting by chance, bonding over relocation dreams, and whether his reluctance to give when asked is a sign of stinginess or a deeper problem.
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What’s your earliest memory of each other?
Amara: April 2024, at the passport office in Ikoyi. I wasn’t feeling well — I was dizzy, nauseous, and completely out of it. I’d been sitting there for hours waiting for my number to be called, and I could feel myself getting weaker. I realised I couldn’t manage everything on my own. I had files to organise, and I needed to listen for when they called my number. So I turned to this guy sitting next to me and asked if he could keep an eye on my things and let me know when they called my number.
Gozie: I remember that day. I noticed Amara immediately when she sat down next to me. She looked really pale, like she might pass out at any moment. I wasn’t sure whether to say something or mind my own business, but she clearly wasn’t doing well. When she asked for my help, I was more than happy to assist. I watched her files, listened for her number, and when they finally called her, I helped her gather her documents. After her appointment, she was too weak to wait for a cab under the sun. So I offered to order a ride for her on my phone.
Amara: I was so grateful. Before I got in the car, we exchanged numbers. I wanted to be able to thank him properly later and maybe reimburse him for the ride.
When did you reach out to him?
Amara: Almost immediately. I kept thanking him over text for the next few days. I even tried to refund him for the ride, but he refused to take it. After that, we’d chat occasionally — random messages here and there about our days.
Gozie: I didn’t think much of it at first. I was just being a decent human being. I didn’t think we’d become anything more than two people who met at the passport office and stayed loosely in touch.
Right.
Amara: About a month later. We both went back to pick up our passports, and we ran into each other again. It felt like fate.
Gozie: I saw her in the queue and walked over to say hi. We ended up talking for a while, much longer than we had the first time. We talked about why we were getting passports, where we wanted to go, and what our plans were. That’s when I learned she didn’t actually have pressing relocation plans yet.
Amara: My parents just insisted I get the passport so I’d have it ready whenever I needed it. They’re big on being prepared. Gozie, on the other hand, had an actual plan. His sibling was abroad and helping him sort out his relocation.
Gozie: Yeah, I was actively working toward relocating. I had timelines, researching visa processes and was saving money, among other things. When I told her, she seemed genuinely interested. That’s when we started talking more regularly. We’d share articles, send each other links about opportunities abroad, and discuss visa application processes. It gave us something concrete to bond over.
Amara: It felt really good to have someone who understood what I was thinking about. Most of my friends weren’t considering relocation at all, so I couldn’t really discuss it with them. But Gozie got it. We were both in similar headspaces, so our conversations just flowed.
At what point did things start to shift from a platonic level?
Gozie: Around October. I’d ended my previous relationship a few weeks before that. My ex was very demanding and she was always asking for something — money, time, attention, more money. No matter what I did, it was never enough. I’d send her money, and a week later, she’d need more. I’d spend time with her, and she’d complain I wasn’t doing enough. It became exhausting. Eventually, I realised I couldn’t keep going like that, so I ended things.
Did Amara know you’d just come out of a relationship?
Amara: Not immediately. He didn’t tell me right away. I found out later when he opened up about it during one of our conversations.
Gozie: After the breakup, I wasn’t actively looking for another relationship. But as Amara and I continued talking, I began to see her differently. She was easy to be around. Our conversations were light; she didn’t put any pressure on me, and I genuinely enjoyed her company. I started thinking, “Maybe this could be something.”
Did you feel the same way, Amara?
Amara: It happened gradually. At first, he was just the nice guy who helped me at the passport office. Then he became the friend I discussed relocation plans with. But somewhere along the line, I started looking forward to his messages. I’d check my phone, hoping to see a text from him. That’s when I knew it was shifting into something else.
Gozie: In October, I decided to just be honest with her. I told her I liked her and that I wanted us to be more than friends. I didn’t wish to rush anything, but I also didn’t want to keep pretending I only saw her as a friend.
Amara: I wasn’t surprised. I’d had a feeling he was interested. And honestly, I felt the same way. So I said yes.
Nice. What were the early days of the relationship like?
Gozie: Really sweet. We talked every day, saw each other whenever we could. It felt easy and natural. There was no awkward “getting to know you” phase because we’d already been talking for months as friends. The only real challenge was the distance. She lives on the Island, and I live in Ikorodu. Anyone who knows Lagos knows that’s not a small distance. Depending on traffic, it could take two to three hours just to see each other.
Amara: Yeah, it wasn’t easy. We had to be very intentional about making time for it. He’d come to my place sometimes after work, and I’d go to his on weekends. Sometimes we’d meet somewhere in the middle just to spend a few hours together. It required effort, but we were both willing to put in the work. But a few months into the relationship, I began to notice that Gozie was tight with money.
What do you mean?
Amara: He’s generous when it’s his idea. When we go out, he pays without me having to ask. When he decides he wants to buy me something, he does it happily. But the moment I ask him for anything, it becomes a problem. He hesitates, makes excuses, or gives begrudgingly.
Gozie: I don’t think that’s entirely accurate.
Amara: It is accurate. I’ve experienced it multiple times. The most painful one was during my birthday this year.
What happened on your birthday?
Amara: I’d been saving up to buy a new phone, but I was a bit short. So I asked Gozie if he could help me. I wasn’t asking him to buy the entire phone; I just wanted him to support me with whatever he could. He eventually gave me ₦100k, but the way he did it made me feel terrible. It felt like I was pulling teeth. He made it seem like I was asking for something outrageous and like I was a burden. Like I shouldn’t have even asked in the first place.
Curious, Gozie. Why did you feel reluctant to give her the money?
Gozie: I don’t like being asked for things. When I give on my own terms, it’s because I genuinely want to. There’s joy in it. But when someone asks, it feels like a demand. It changes the dynamic completely. Suddenly, I’m giving because I feel obligated. I understand that we’re in a relationship. But I also have financial goals. I’m actively saving for relocation. Every naira I spend affects my timeline. I can’t just be handing out money every time someone asks, even if it’s my girlfriend.
Amara: Your girlfriend asking you for help on her birthday shouldn’t feel like an obligation. It should feel natural. He works, he earns well, and I know he has money. I wasn’t asking him to break his bank account. The fact that he gave it grudgingly made me feel like I didn’t matter enough. Like my needs were an inconvenience to him.
And the worst part? It’s not an isolated incident. This is a pattern. Every single time I ask for help— whether it’s money or anything else — he hesitates. He makes me feel like I’m asking for too much. So now, I’ve stopped asking entirely because I don’t want to deal with the awkwardness.
Gozie, do you think you’re stingy?
Gozie: No. I don’t think I’m stingy; I’m careful and intentional with money. There’s a difference between being stingy and having financial boundaries. The problem is when it’s demanded of me. That’s when I start feeling uncomfortable.
I see. Do you think Amara is demanding?
Gozie: I don’t think she’s trying to be. But asking for things puts pressure on me. And that pressure reminds me of my last relationship, where I constantly felt like an ATM.
So you’re treating Amara based on what your ex did?
Gozie: Maybe. I don’t know. I just know that when someone asks me for money repeatedly, it triggers something in me. It makes me feel like I’m being taken advantage of, even if that’s not the intention.
Amara: But I’m not your ex. I don’t ask for things all the time. I ask maybe once every few months — maybe two or three times since we started dating — and it’s always for genuine needs. I’m not out here asking for bags and shoes. I asked for help with my phone because I genuinely needed a new one. That’s it.
Gozie: But even those few times feel like a lot to me. Maybe it’s my own issue, but I just don’t like the feeling of being asked.
But have you both had a conversation about this?
Amara: Yes. Multiple times. And every single time, it ends in a fight or argument because he refuses to take accountability.
Gozie: I don’t refuse to take accountability. I just don’t think I’m entirely in the wrong here. She wants me to admit I’m being unfair, but I don’t see it that way. I believe I have the right to establish boundaries around my finances.
Amara: Boundaries are fine. But what he’s doing isn’t setting boundaries; it’s making me feel bad for asking for help. There’s a difference. If he were taking accountability, he’d admit that he treats me differently when I ask for something versus when he offers on his own. And most importantly, he’ll agree to work on it instead of making excuses.
Right. Gozie, do you think you treat her differently based on whether you’re offering or she’s asking?
Gozie: Probably. I can admit that. But I also think context matters. When I offer, it’s because I’ve assessed my finances and decided I’m comfortable giving. When she asks, I haven’t had that time to prepare mentally or financially. It catches me off guard, and I react defensively.
Amara: But that’s the thing, I shouldn’t have to wait for you to offer. Sometimes, I have needs that come up unexpectedly. And in those moments, I should be able to turn to my boyfriend and ask for help without feeling like I’m committing a crime.
Have you considered breaking up over this?
Amara: I’ve thought about it. I won’t lie. But I don’t want to throw away a relationship over money. It feels shallow. There are so many other good things about us. This is just the one major issue.
Gozie: I don’t want to break up either. I care about her. I just need her to understand where I’m coming from.
How do you plan to navigate this issue if it keeps showing up in your relationship?
Amara: We’ve basically just stopped talking about it. Every time we bring it up, it ends in a fight, so we avoid the topic entirely. But the problem is still there. It’s not gone just because we’re not talking about it. Every time something comes up that I need his help with, I hesitate. I calculate in my head whether I can manage on my own because I don’t want to deal with his reaction if I ask.
Gozie: I’m trying to be more intentional, even if it’s not showing yet. I also think the amount of my resources that goes into saving for relocation just makes me get extremely cranky. But these days, I try to anticipate her needs. It makes it easier to be mentally prepared before she asks.
Fair enough. Moving on, what’s the best thing about being with each other?
Amara: He’s kind in other ways. He’s supportive of my career, he listens when I’m stressed, and he makes me laugh. This money thing is really the only big issue we have. Everything else is good.
Gozie: Amara’s easy to be with. She doesn’t create unnecessary drama; she’s understanding and supports my goals. I just wish the money thing wasn’t such a big deal for her.
Amara: It is a big deal, though. Because it’s not really about money, it’s about feeling valued and supported.
How would you rate your love life on a scale of 1-10?
Amara: Maybe a 6. We’re good in many ways, but this issue is holding us back. I love him, but I’m worried this will continue to be a problem. If we get married and I still feel like I have to beg for help, I don’t see how that’s sustainable. I need to know I can depend on him, not just when he feels like giving, but also when I actually need him.
Gozie: I’d say a 7. We have our challenges, but I think we’ll be fine. We just need to communicate better. Maybe I need to be more generous when she asks, and maybe she needs to ask less. Somewhere in the middle, we’ll figure it out.
*Names have been changed to protect the identity of the subjects.
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