Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
Tolase* (23) and Dehinde* (24) met at work in 2022 when she resumed as a corps member and he became her unofficial office buddy.
On this week’s Love Life, they talk about building an intense friendship on shared values, navigating crossed signals and unspoken feelings, and how Dehinde quitting his job became the push they needed to finally define their relationship.
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What’s your earliest memory of each other?
Dehinde: December 2022. She walked into our office briefly and immediately caught my attention. I even pretended to run an errand to get a closer look. On my way back, I summoned the boldness to ask her name and why she was at our office. She said she was there for NYSC placement and would resume the following week. It was an attraction at first sight. She’s a pretty hot babe.
Tolase: I remember that day. I left pretty early because I didn’t have any tasks yet. I remember Dehinde asking me some questions, but I didn’t think much of our interaction. I just knew he was the one person who made me super comfortable. He seemed nice and even offered me his jacket when he noticed I was cold. HR also said he’d be my office buddy.
So what happened next?
Tolase: I resumed about two weeks before the company’s Christmas party. I think that party kick-started our cordial relationship. I didn’t know anyone, so I mostly kept to myself. But Dehinde walked up to me and asked to take my picture. Again, he made me feel comfortable and even walked me to the car after the party. We exchanged contact information that day because we had spent time talking about work and other things.
Curious though. What was your working relationship like that week you resumed?
Tolase: Oh, he stayed super friendly to me. He showed me the ropes and always bought breakfast for me before I arrived. It was sweet, but I didn’t read any meaning into it. I’d learnt earlier that if a guy doesn’t say he likes you, don’t assume anything.
But yeah, it wasn’t until the Christmas party that we bonded.
Dehinde: I’m not even sure I liked her like that at first. Was I attracted? Yes. Was she my spec? Yes. But that was all. I’d just ended things with someone who broke my heart, so I wasn’t ready for love.
The breakfast thing happened because I noticed she always came to work tired, and during one of our small talks, she said she couldn’t function on an empty stomach. So I started getting her food. I don’t even know where the money came from, but I made it happen. I was her work buddy and wanted her to feel extra special.
I see. So, how did the relationship progress over time?
Tolase: We moved from colleagues to actual friends. Dehinde and I had a lot in common. We also shared the same Christian values, which made it easy to talk. He’d even gist me about the girls he liked, and I’d give relationship advice.
Dehinde: Everything she said. We bonded over faith. We’d talk about sermons or whatever she discovered during Bible study. We also talked about personal struggles. I found it easy to open up to her.
There were days I’d leave my peaceful house in Ikorodu to meet her at the office because she didn’t have light. I think it was then that I started to realise I wanted more. The guy she was talking to wasn’t even serious with his faith, so I figured I had a better shot.
But I’d just been heartbroken, and I wasn’t mentally ready. I was also in a useless talking stage, so I decided to chill.
Tolase: I remember when the girl he liked broke his heart. I also stopped talking to the guy I liked because he didn’t believe in God, and I couldn’t date someone like that. So I let it go. After the rollercoaster, it was just Dehinde and I, building friendship and focusing on work.
Around July 2023, we went for a mid-year retreat and spent most of our time at the resort together. One day, the coach asked him if he liked me. He said we were just friends. That response broke my heart. It also made me realise I liked him. But his answer made me feel like I should back off.
Did you?
Tolase: He didn’t give me the chance. A few days after we returned, we were waiting for our Chickwizz order at Chicken Republic when he reached for my hand and caressed it. It was weird because he’d never touched me like that. I was confused. Just days before, he said he didn’t like me. I didn’t understand what he was doing. Then he invited me on a date.
Dehinde, why did you call her a friend if it was attraction at first sight?
Dehinde: The funny thing is that I didn’t even want to attend the retreat. We argued about it, but I showed up to surprise her. We were always together at the retreat, and the coach soon noticed. But I hadn’t figured out my feelings when the question came. There was something, it just wasn’t fully formed. After we returned home from the retreat, I processed everything that transpired between us. I realised it wasn’t infatuation I felt, it was love.
On our first day back at work, I took her to Chicken Republic, and that was when I held her hand. I hate physical touch, but something about that moment felt easy. I didn’t ask her out that day, but I started a three-day fast to get clarity. I got my answer on day three and started applying pressure. I visited more, went to church with her, basically everything to mark my territory.
So, when did things become official?
Dehinde: It took a while to get to that point. I started applying for jobs because I wanted to be free to date her without workplace complications. Coincidentally, I also got an offer to study Aeronautical Engineering in Kenya. Whether or not I got a new employment, I planned to leave and pursue the relationship with full throttle.
She had also moved to her cousin’s, so I visited often. One day, I asked if she’d go on a date with me after I returned from Kenya.
Tolase: I suspected he’d ask that day. I said all sorts of things about men just to discourage him, but it didn’t work. He told me he liked me and asked me on a date. I said yes, mostly because I knew he was travelling soon and could ghost him later.
But he didn’t let up after asking me on a date. He got more intense. He started talking about our future, how he told his dad about me, how we’d move to Canada together. That intensity made me want to ghost him even more.
I’m confused. You didn’t like him too? Why were you scared to commit?
Tolase: It felt too good to be true, and I didn’t know if I was ready. Dehinde was moving too fast, and I couldn’t keep up. He’d be my first real boyfriend, and I wasn’t dating for vibes. I was dating to marry. Saying yes felt like saying yes to marriage.
Luckily, a mutual friend advised me to talk to him about my reservations. I did, and he slowed down a bit. He kept asking me out, but I didn’t say yes until much later.
Dehinde: I didn’t get a yes until December 2023. That was also the perfect time because I’d gotten a new job and cancelled my plans for schooling in Kenya.
But did you consider moving on at any point?
Dehinde: I got tired a few times and felt a strong urge to give up the chase, but I decided to wait. I knew about her past with some foolish men, so I wanted to show her I wasn’t like that. I needed to make her trust me, and I was up to the task.
Tolase: This guy was very consistent. He never got angry or made me feel bad when I said no. I felt safe with him, and when I saw that his actions matched his words, I started considering that dating him would be the best decision. I also prayed a lot because I wasn’t about to do what God didn’t want. I got multiple confirmations and finally said yes in December 2023.
Fair enough. What were the early days of your relationship like?
Dehinde: They were really sweet. Nothing major changed because we behaved like partners before she said yes. We went out on dates, I was always at her apartment working, we went to church together, and we talked all the time. But one thing that stood out to me was how emotionally safe I started to feel around her. She wasn’t just a friend anymore; she was someone I was building life with.
Tolase: Strangely, I became very guarded while he opened up more. He always begged me to talk about my feelings, but I struggled. On top of that, I never asked him for anything. Not because I didn’t need stuff, but I didn’t know how to.
Why do you think that happened, especially considering the strong friendship foundation?
Tolase: My past experiences with men didn’t end well. I’d find someone I liked, and they’d seem interested too, until I realised they were not serious or didn’t align with my values. Mind you, those weren’t even real relationships. So, being in an actual relationship with someone I cared about deeply was scary. I kept waiting for Dehinde to switch up.
And I’ve always seen myself as someone who can handle her own needs, so I didn’t want to become that person he’d start to take for granted. I was trying to protect myself from disappointment and “see finish”.
How did you handle this, Dehinde?
Dehinde: Patience. I didn’t rush or push her into doing what she wasn’t ready for. I always told her we had eternity together, so there was no need to force anything. I also kept opening up to her — about work, about personal stuff — and I think over time, it made her feel safe enough to start opening up too.
Nice. Have you guys had a major fight yet?
Dehinde: We’ve had a few. Most of them were about how I manage work and communication. When she was in the UK for some months, I got so wrapped up in work that I didn’t put in enough effort to keep in touch. But one fight that really stood out happened shortly after we became official. She said I wasn’t giving her enough attention, even though I was always at her place.
Tolase: He was there but not there, and I wasn’t getting attention. Dehinde would be in the living room glued to his laptop while I was in my room. When it was time to leave, he’d pack up and go without spending any quality time with me. So I confronted him about it one day, and he got upset. He didn’t understand why I was complaining, especially because he was always coming all the way from Ikorodu to Victoria Island.
I tried to communicate it as best as possible, but he walked out. I couldn’t believe my eyes. But he returned a few minutes later, and we tried to have a sane discussion.
Dehinde: I walked out because I was so confused and didn’t understand why she was complaining. I thought I was doing my best by always showing up. But as I was leaving, it hit me that walking out like that was rude and unfair. So I went back in, and we had a proper conversation.
Right. Considering work will always be a constant, how have you both tried to be more intentional with time and communication?
Dehinde: She was in the UK for some time, and staying connected over the phone was tough. I hated every minute of long-distance communication because it’s not my thing. I was always either distracted or busy. That’s why I tried to visit her often when she was back in Nigeria. But over time, I realised I had to be more deliberate.
So I started calling her first thing in the morning, checking in during the day, and talking to her before bed. We even set monthly virtual date nights.
Even after she returned to Nigeria, I kept the same routine, and it’s helped us stay grounded.
What is the best thing about being with each other?
Tolase: Dehinde pushes me a lot. I’m naturally laid-back, but he sees potential in me that I don’t see in myself. He gives me the confidence that I need and is very supportive. I feel very safe around him, and I can just be myself without judgment.
He also curates an event catalogue on my birthdays. It’s an entire presentation of all the activities he has planned for the day. It’s the sweetest thing. I’m eternally thankful for this man.
Dehinde: Have you seen my babe? She’s the best!
I’d say that our differences are what make us complement each other. Tolase helps me relax when I’m carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. She reminds me of who I am when I’m losing myself, and I’m always reminded that I’m human first whenever I’m around her.
If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill out this form.
Love it for you. How would you both rate your love lives on a scale of 1-10?
Tolase: I’d give us an 8. There’s a lot we’re still working through. But we’re really good friends first before anything. We laugh more than we argue and are aligned on what we want to do and where we want to be.
Dehinde: 9. We’re not married yet, but I’m looking forward to that because there’s more to be discovered about each other.
*Names have been changed to protect the identity of the subjects.
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