Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
*Eric (27) and *Chiazagom’s (24) harmless flirting snowballed into a full-blown relationship within weeks of meeting on campus in 2023.
On this week’s Love Life, they share how their relationship started with campus banter, how distance and differences pulled them apart, and why they’ve never really gone separate ways even after breaking up.
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What’s your earliest memory of each other?
Chiazagom: I noticed Eric back when I was an undergrad and he was in his master’s programme. He was this cool dude who looked good, and I think I developed a slight crush on him. However, my clearest first memory of him was August 30th 2023.
I was with a group of friends when he walked past. After I mentioned I liked him, one of them called him to ask for tips for our presentation. He was kind enough to assist and even shared his number afterwards.
Eric: That day was my first memory of Chiazagom. I’d not really noticed her on campus. Even then, our conversation was normal. I noticed an edge to how she interacted with me compared to the others, but I downplayed it because I wasn’t yet aware of her crush. However, our interactions kicked off from that point.
Curious, Chiazagom. Were you aware of this edge he spoke about?
Chiazagom: I was. It was the first time I was in that kind of situation where friends dragged my crush into our midst. I was also intentionally flirtatious with Eric, even though it took a lot of courage. I remember asking more questions after he told us his name and showing more interest than others. I found it exciting, too. And I guess that was the “edge” he noticed.
Eric: I talked about my love for cooking, and she said she’d like to taste my food. I took that to mean something. It signalled to me that she didn’t want our interaction to end that day.
Right. So, what happened next?
Eric: Nothing special happened. We stayed in touch and ran into each other a few times on campus. Then, we agreed to meet a few weeks after our first encounter. Even then, nothing really happened aside from the fact that we communicated more frequently.
Chiazagom: I felt really good when we started talking. I told my friends how I finally talked to my crush, and they were just as excited for me. I think I also felt that way because he texted me that day, which felt nice. Some other guys would wait days or weeks, and some wouldn’t even bother.
As I mentioned earlier, my project defence was the next day, and Eric mentioned he came but couldn’t locate my room. He called to ask how it went, which was thoughtful. I liked that he wanted to be present for me.. After that, we occasionally saw each other on campus. Then we ran into each other in school while I was running errands for my project, and he offered to walk me to my hostel. We got into a really long conversation on our way.
What did you talk about?
Chiazagom: We talked about our personal interests, likes, and dislikes. I discovered he loves UK rap, and some of his favourite artists are Stormzy and Dave. He also had reservations when I mentioned Chike as my favourite artiste and said it’s because I’m a lover girl. That day, I also learnt he was into fashion designing. It was just a really beautiful evening.
Eric: We must have spent two to three hours talking and trying to learn more about each other. Obviously, the conversation eventually led to a point of interest in each other because the chemistry had been building. Still, we just weren’t there yet at that point.
Right. What was your relationship status at the time?
Eric: I was single and wasn’t really searching. Other than Chiazagom, I wasn’t having any serious conversation with anyone else. I was focused on completing my studies and moving on with my life.
Chiazagom: I was in a similar situation. However, unlike Eric, I had people talking to me, but I wasn’t interested in them.
Fair enough. At what point did things progress between the two of you?
Eric: I’d say it was after our second meeting off campus that the genesis of our love story began. At this point, we had gotten past the “getting to know each other” phase and could freely express our feelings toward each other. We had a series of honest conversations and talked about how we could move what was brewing between us forward.
Chiazagom: It was no longer a secret that I was interested in Eric. I just needed to know if he felt the same way. Quite frankly, I had reservations about the possibility of us becoming an item. I was done with my project defence and was preparing to leave school while he was still around for his master’s. In my head, I thought, “What’s the point?” But Eric wanted to see if we could make it work, and I agreed. Coincidentally, I had an incident that stretched my stay in school for a couple of months.
Eric: Her potential relocation from school was a big clause in defining our relationship. Chiazagom didn’t want a situation where she invested her feelings in something serious and had to call it off after a short while. But I called her one day and said, “If we’re both interested in this, why not just enjoy the moment even if it’s only for a short while,” and I think that persuasion helped us become official in September 2023. There was never an official “Will you be my girlfriend moment.
Chiazagom: I remember flagging it once, and he just did one asking out that I don’t even know what to call — it was just there.
What were the early days of dating like?
Chiazagom: It was the same as the initial excitement you feel when you get a new toy. But then days and weeks roll over, and it’s just another item in your life. That sums it up. It was all mushy at the start, and then we got into this phase where we constantly argued.
We’re from different backgrounds, so we saw things differently. Eric grew up in the north, while I’d lived in Lagos most of my life. I’m also Catholic, while he’s a Jehovah’s Witness. We argued about our religious beliefs and different ways of doing things. Once, I visited him, and he served me food on a rubber plate. I was furious and mentioned he should have used a more presentable plate better suited for a special guest, but Eric didn’t think it was a big deal. We had several instances like this. He also couldn’t deal with my staying out late, and late for Eric was 7 p.m.
Eric: Just to note, I don’t remember what I used, but it wasn’t a rubber plate. But yeah, the early days were nice. She’s a lovable person who doesn’t keep her feelings to herself, which I liked. She always had nice things to say, and they made those early days as good as possible.
However, I agree that our different backgrounds and opinions got in the way quite a few times. I’m from the north and grew up in pretty harsh conditions, so my views about life are different. She thinks life is a bed of roses and that you should always get what you want, but I had a completely different experience—life is tough and filled with struggles.
For example, in December 2023, she called me crying after finding out she made a second-class lower. She was devastated, and I couldn’t understand why. It wasn’t a big deal or the end of the world for me. The grades didn’t define her, and I tried to make a case, but she wasn’t having it because she felt I shut her down.
Chiazagom: I hung up on him when he offered solutions without acknowledging my feelings. It was like he put salt on the injury. At that moment, he didn’t feel like my person. I appreciated that he was all about what we could do next, but sometimes you only need reassurance from your loved one. But not Eric. He said I should get used to suffering and not having things my way. I couldn’t believe my ears. I’ve had it fairly rosy and come from a family that has always loved and pampered me. So it made no sense that as an adult, I was with someone who wanted me to get used to suffering. That wasn’t the life I pictured for myself.
Did you guys ever resolve this?
Eric: Communication helped a lot. I eventually realised I didn’t understand what it meant to her, considering how much effort she had put into studying, and the expectations from her family. I also realised I could have validated her feelings before jumping to conclusions. We had to find ways to hear each other out and understand our differences.
Chiazagom: That’s the good thing about Eric. He knows when to admit wrongdoing and apologise, and that helped with solving issues when they occurred.
Nice. I’m assuming you’d completed uni at this point, Chiazagom. Did you guys transition to long distance?
Chiazagom: We didn’t transition. Eric and I talked and agreed that we couldn’t do long distance. So we broke in February 2024. I had completed everything holding me back in school and was headed back to Lagos. He was based in Jos. We didn’t see a future where it could work. I wasn’t keen on visiting the north, and he also didn’t have any immediate need to be in Lagos.
I would have considered doing long distance if I knew we would reunite at some point, but it didn’t look like that.
But I’m curious. Who made the first call to end things?
Eric: It wasn’t a one-person decision, even though I steered the conversation in that direction. From the outset, we already had a clause that this would end at some point. When that time came, we both had the discussion and agreed to end the romantic relationship, but hold on to our friendship. I remember she visited a day before her flight to Lagos, and we spent the day in each other’s company. That day, I also tried to set new boundaries in place. I said I wouldn’t reach out as much, so we don’t maintain attachment and drag each other back from exploring something new. We kept our communication open until this point. We’ve not had any bad blood between us.
How did you handle the breakup, Chiazagom? Did you try to fight to hold on a little longer?
Chiazagom: I cried a lot on the flight back to Lagos. I let him know after I got home, and we communicated for a few more days until the trail went cold. I contacted him in April 2024 while I was in the NYSC camp. I was in my feelings that day, and I said, “This wasn’t what you promised me. We promised to end the relationship, not the friendship,” and like that, we started talking again.
If Eric had told me he had an inkling he’d come to Lagos at some point, I think I’d have held on a little longer. But he didn’t.
Hmmm.
Eric: I’d been in Lagos for months before she found out. I think I eventually told her during a random conversation in December 2024. We were still cordial around this time, but our conversations were mostly shallow, and I wanted to make the reveal in the most unthoughtful way possible.
One day while texting, she asked about my location, and I said I was in Lagos. She didn’t believe me and made me send my live location for confirmation. I then explained how the move happened and why I was in Lagos.
How did you take this information, Chiazagom?
Chiazagom: I was shocked. I couldn’t believe it because every time I talked about Lagos, he didn’t seem like he was keen on visiting, let alone relocating. I kept replaying different scenarios in my head and how I thought I wouldn’t see him again after that last time in February. Now, here he was in Lagos just a few months later. I was stunned.
Did you perhaps feel any regrets?
Chiazagom: Not particularly. I was already in a serious talking stage with someone else, and I think the only thing that came to mind was how I’d have stalled if he told me the moment he knew he was coming to Lagos. We could have continued from where we stopped. I kept asking myself, “Why now?”
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Did you say anything to him?
Chiazagom: I didn’t, it was just a thought in my head.
Curious, Eric. Were you hoping to rekindle old flames when you informed her of your presence in Lagos?
Eric: Not really. I was and I’m still single, but I felt our ship had sailed and there was no need to return to it. I also didn’t expect she’d be single after all those months apart, at the very least, I knew there would be talking stages. She’s a beautiful lady.
Is this something you both talked about?
Eric: She told me about her talking stage after I revealed I was in Lagos, but as to what could happen between us moving forward? That’s not a conversation we’ve had.
I see. So, how would you define what you currently have?
Chiazagom: We’re very cordial, and I’ll call him my friend. He’s been a big part of my life, which I’m very grateful for. I don’t think I would ever stop talking to him unless he wants to.
Eric: I feel the same way. We’ve been genuine with each other from day one, and I enjoyed having her as mine when we were an item. So even when we broke up, I knew I didn’t want to throw everything away; she’s still a good person to have in my corner. The friendship is fine right now; I don’t see much difference going forward.
You don’t see a future where you give this a second chance?
Eric: I remember clearly telling her once that she’s the first person I would have been comfortable taking back home. That’s how confident I am in her person. But based on our current reality, I don’t see that happening. If the offer, however, comes in future, I wouldn’t reject it.
Chiazagom: Eric is a good person. He would make a very good husband, but I don’t see us together. He doesn’t really like children, which is a deal breaker for me. There’s also the religious aspect. We’re both not willing to leave our faiths, and I think these issues make it hard to see a future with him.
Fair enough. How would you rate your relationship on a scale of 1-10?
Chiazagom: A 7.5 when we were dating because he treated me well. I’ll give us 8.5 as exes because he still treats me well.
Eric: An 8 as lovers and exes because she was always fully present and expressive, and still is.
*Names have been changed to protect the identity of the subjects.
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