Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
What’s your earliest memory of each other?
Rachel: It was in November 2020, during a Zoom class in our first year of uni. Our lecturer called him and I found his name interesting. I’d never heard anything like it before. When he also showed up on the screen, he looked so tall and in my head I said “ Perfect. He’s also cute.”
Daniel: I have a similar memory of Rachel. During one of those Zoom classes, she answered a question, and I was like “Wow, she sounds so intelligent.”
But it wasn’t just that. She had a lovely voice that caught my attention immediately I heard it. However, she hardly turned on her video, so I couldn’t see her face for the entirety of the virtual classes. So, I started thinking of ways to strike a first conversation with her.
One day, on the class WhatsApp group chat, I suggested we all drop our Snapchat handles so we could add ourselves in the hopes Rachel would drop hers too. She did, and added me and we started from there.
What did you start?
Daniel: Well, we started texting and getting to know each other.
Rachel: It wasn’t all that eventful. During one of our earliest conversations, he sent me this “50 questions to ask someone” quiz. I found it funny, and I answered what I could. But all that didn’t matter because he didn’t approach me when we finally resumed physical classes in January 2021. I felt like adding him on Snapchat should have been enough green light for him to approach me, but he didn’t. I had to go to him.
Oh
Daniel: She still holds that over my head till this day.
Rachel: I ran into him at the student centre, and I was like “Oh, you couldn’t even say hey?”, and he looked at me crazy, then said “Oh, hey”.
Daniel: In my defence, I wasn’t paying attention. Plus, she looked different in person so I didn’t recognise her immediately. When I heard her voice, I was like “Who is this person that is “hey-ing”.
Wild. Any reason why you didn’t approach her considering your interest, Daniel?
Daniel: To be fair, she disappeared immediately after classes, so it was difficult to get a hold of her.
Rachel: I don’t dispute that I pulled a disappearing act in the first few days of resumption, but I felt like he could have simply sent a text and asked to see me.
Daniel: I’m sorry.
So, what happened next?
Rachel: Can you believe he still didn’t say anything to me after our first physical encounter?
Wait, what?
Daniel: That’s not how I remember things. The next day, you came to meet me during the first break between classes.
Rachel: Exactly my point. We started talking because I came to meet you again.
Seems like you left a lot of the chasing to her, Daniel.
Daniel: The truth is, I was quite shy back, so making the first attempt didn’t occur to me most of the time. But we kind of hit it off after that day, and we were almost always together during and after classes till we started dating.
Rachel: We always had gist about our secondary schools, and we also talked about our families. Also, we gossiped a lot about things we saw and heard in school. It was during this period I got to know that Daniel produced beats, I thought it was cool because he didn’t look like he was into that sort of thing. He also had a really good taste in music. It was just an awesome time together, really.
Daniel: I agree. Those days were fun and flirty until a small hiccup with someone I was talking to before I came to school popped up.
What was this “small hiccup?”
Daniel: Before I met Rachel, I was talking to someone who was also going to be in our school. Unfortunately, she had to take a gap year. We’d discussed being long distance, but I wasn’t keen — my last relationship was also long distance and it wasn’t a fun experience. Since we couldn’t be together in the way that I wanted, we decided to stay as friends and see where it goes. However, when I met Rachel and realised I wanted to be her, I let the other person know immediately. I didn’t want to make room for any confusion or lead her on, and she said it was fine. But later, she turned on me and said I was leading her on.
Rachel found out about the entire thing because a course mate, who was friends with the girl, told her about Rachel and I. Rachel made it clear she wasn’t interested in fighting over me with anyone, and she withdrew. It took a lot of reassurance to make her see that I only had eyes for her.
Was this when you asked her out?
Daniel: Yes. I asked her out on January 31st, 2021. But she turned me down and said I should ask her again after a while. I had initially planned to on Valentine’s Day — which in retrospect was not a good idea —but I eventually asked again on February 19th.
Rachel: He said he wanted to take what we had to the next level when he asked on 31st. For him, that meant becoming his girlfriend. But to me, it meant we were finally exclusively talking.
So, how did it go the second time?
Rachel: It happened on a rooftop at our school at night, and the scenery was extremely gorgeous. I was angry the entire time, and I still don’t know why. But I still said yes when he asked.
Daniel, you mentioned earlier that you didn’t want to ask on Valentine’s Day. Why’s that?
Daniel: I thought it would be so romantic to have our anniversary on Valentine’s Day at the time. But I’ve also learned that anniversaries should be their own separate day.
Fair enough. So, what were the early days of your relationship like?
Daniel: Those were interesting days. We were deeply in love, laughed a lot and had so many fun activities together. But my goodness, we got into each other’s wrong sides a lot. I wasn’t the most observant boyfriend, and I said lots of silly things. I learnt a lot about what it means to be in a relationship with her.
Rachel: We were together every single moment that we could be. It was quite a time learning about each other. And like Daniel said, we did fight a lot, but I think our relationship grew with each fight. I had to learn to be very tolerant around him.
I’m curious, what sort of “silly things” did you say, Daniel?
Daniel: Lots of them, really. One time, I hadn’t texted her properly during the day and she complained about it when we met in the evening. I jokingly said “I’m sorry for that. I almost forgot I had a girlfriend” because my parents used to say “You’ve forgotten you have parents abi?” whenever I went a few days without speaking to them. Rachel didn’t like that at all. She didn’t speak to me for the rest of the evening and told me months later that she would have ended the relationship that day if her friends hadn’t talked her out of it.
You didn’t think he was just being playful, Rachel?
Rachel: I didn’t. I thought he wasn’t actually considering my feelings. I’m quite sensitive and he would often word these things in very odd ways that convinced me to consider that he was deliberately trying to hurt me, and he didn’t really think it through.
How did you move past this?
Rachel: We sat down to talk about our communication. We needed to find ways to express when we weren’t happy with how something was said. We eventually got the hang of it.
Nice. How would you say your relationship has progressed in the last four years?
Daniel: We’ve grown a lot as individuals and as a couple. We’ve both matured, we’ve progressively handled issues and found ways to love each other better over the years.
Rachel: We’ve never stopped growing since day one. But iIf anyone had told me we’d still be together, I probably wouldn’t have put much faith in it. Not because we didn’t love each other, but we were both so undecided and immature about a lot of things. We’re much better off now.
Daniel: We’ve also had to transition to a long distance couple after two years of being around each other. I relocated in November 2022. I’d been aware of the possibility of moving a few months into my first year in uni, but I debated telling Rachel. Eventually, I concluded it would be better to discuss it as early as possible.
How did you take this news, Rachel?
Rachel: I cried the first time he told me in 2021. I cried more when he told me his departure date in 2022, and I cried even more when he left for Canada. It was hard to accept that the person I spent 80% of my time with — my partner and best friend — was now miles away, and I had no idea when I’d see him again. It was awful.
I imagine it was a difficult moment for you too, Daniel
Daniel: I didn’t properly process the whole “You’re not going to see her again for a while” thing till a month or so after I relocated. I was definitely sad about leaving her and at one point, I told my parents to let me stay back and at least finish uni in Nigeria. I’ll say the whole thing hit me the hardest during Rachel’s graduation. I cried because that was a moment we should have experienced together.
Curious. Did you ever try to make him stay back, Rachel?
Rachel: Oh yes! I definitely did. I told him to beg his parents and tell them he’d live in an auntie’s house, since his entire family was relocating. But I didn’t want him to stay either because getting out of Nigeria is a good thing. When Daniel told me he did ask his parents, I was pleasantly shocked.
Do you remember what your last day together was like?
Daniel: It was at my house. We had a send off party and I invited her over.
Rachel: Yes. I had classes, but I went to his house after I was done for the day. Daniel drove me around his estate and bought me jollof rice — it was a beautiful moment.
Sweet. Talk to me about transitioning to a long distance couple.
Daniel: It was extremely difficult. Keeping “us” going almost didn’t happen because we spoke about it, and weren’t sure if we wanted to do long distance. We ultimately decided to put up with it for a chance at having a life together.
Rachel needs a lot of attention, and I wasn’t very good at providing that. So we got into lots of fights in the beginning. We almost split up a few times.
Rachel: The time difference, the lack of closeness, the whole reality of it was depressing. He also wasn’t the most expressive person, so having to learn how to read him by just seeing his face and picking up on voice cues was difficult. Because of his lack of attention, he also made me feel like I was overdoing things and in over my head.
For instance, I had laid plans for dates and other virtual activities when he travelled. The first few times were good, but at some point it felt like I was the one constantly initiating or reminding him of these things. I didn’t like feeling like I was forcing him to do them.
Daniel: We (I mostly) realised that we had to intensify our effort if this was going to work out. Right now, I’d say it’s gotten better and the love we’ve actively built makes it worth it.
How did you make it better?
Daniel: For one, we made a rule to FaceTime everyday. It helps with not being able to spend physical time together. We’ve realised that texting alone doesn’t cut it. On my end, I’ve also learnt to be more mindful about nurturing our relationship. A huge problem Rachel had with me was how we’d speak about an issue and I’d act right for a few weeks and then slowly taper off. So to her it felt like I was just doing it to keep her quiet, but I really just wasn’t being mindful. I’ve had to work on that, and I’m still trying to get better at it.
I’ve also learnt to be expressive and talk about issues more. I was guilty of letting things be, but that has never been helpful. Now, we communicate when something’s wrong. And lastly, I’ve had to find ways to make sure holidays or events like Valentine’s Day, birthdays and anniversaries are properly celebrated. This means giving thoughtful gifts and organising activities for the day to do together.
Rachel: For me, I’ve had to learn to regulate my emotions. While I did have reasons to be upset sometimes I didn’t pass this across the right way and would spazz out terribly. So, I had to work on being calm in my anger, and thinking before speaking.
Now, I take deep breaths when I feel myself getting to the verge of erupting or I can tell things are going south. If we’re on a call, I’ll end the call, take some time to breathe and think things through properly. I eventually call him back when I know I’m able to speak calmly. I also journal and write a lot so that has also been an outlet for me.
Daniel: Something we also decided on was monthly check-ins and documenting them in a doc. The idea of documenting was helpful as we could see the things we both had to work on at a glance.
Awesome. You mentioned earlier that you had lots of fights. Do you remember the major one?
Rachel: For his last birthday in March, I made him a video, a heartfelt four-page card, and a few other thoughtful gifts. Fast forward to December—we had a heated argument, and I brought up how hard it was to put everything together. I mentioned how time-consuming it was, especially the card, and he looked confused and asked, “What do you mean?” I was also like, “Wait… you mean you didn’t see it?”
That’s when he told me he only saw a picture of it, not the actual gift. I told him to check his email again, and that’s when he finally opened the full PDF — nine months later. Looking back, it might seem like a small issue, but we had just gone through a rough patch. It really hurt that something I poured so much effort into had gone unnoticed for that long. At that moment, I felt like I’d had enough and told him, “I don’t think this is working out.”
Daniel: Yeah, I remember that moment clearly. It wasn’t just about not seeing the gift, it was the fact that we had just talked about me needing to be more attentive. She put so much effort into those gifts, and my lack of attention made it seem like I didn’t appreciate them. It wasn’t intentional, but still, it hurt to realise I had made her feel that way.
When she said she didn’t think it was working out, my heart dropped. But she didn’t end things, so I knew I had a chance to fix it.
How did you do that?
Daniel: Again, I had to reassure her it was never my intention to hurt her and promised to be better moving forward. I’ve learnt to communicate better. Rachel is very passionate about the things and people she cares about, and she requires that same energy and effort from others. It’s something I’m trying to get better at every day.
Rachel: And I think love is the consistency to keep trying even if you’re not 100% everyday, the willingness and commitment to learn and unlearn.
Right. What would you say the future of this relationship looks like?
Daniel: Marriage…hopefully. We’re both striving and working towards having that in our future.
Rachel: I also plan to start applying for schools so I can do my Master’s and be with him abroad.
Sounds like a plan. What would you say is the best thing about being with each other?
Daniel: I like crazy and spontaneous, and she’s definitely that. Besides that, it’s just wonderful to be with someone who complements me well in literally every aspect. She’s funny, loving, intelligent and a lot of, if not all, of our goals and dreams align.
Rachel: It’s growing together, laughing together, just being myself with him. I don’t have to pretend to be so proper and so politically correct. He’s also funny, smart and kind. He’s everything I could ever have possibly asked for. He sees me, for who I am and he makes me want to be better.
Love it. How would you rate your love life on a scale of 1-10?
Rachel: 8.5. It’s great now, but distance does add a lot of strain. Once that’s gone, we can continue to work for a better relationship.
Daniel: It’s a 9 and for the same reasons as her. It’s a wonderful relationship but the distance is killing us.
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