Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
Deji* (28) and Nkem* (27) met at a tech speaking event in Lagos in 2023, and grew close over shared career ambitions.
On this week’s Love Life, they talk about a friendship that started when Nkem challenged him mid-session, a moving-in arrangement forced by a demolition notice, and the subtle testing she now feels from his mother.
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What’s your earliest memory of each other?
Deji: August 2023. My friends had asked me to volunteer at a tech event at my alma mater and I agreed. I’d always wanted to get involved in capacity-building work, and it just felt like a low-hanging fruit. During my session, this one lady kept interrupting me with questions. Actually, observations. She’d raise her hand and I’d expect a question, but she’d hit me with “I actually think or read something that XYZ.” It felt nice at first, because she made me feel like I was actually making sense. No one else had the same eagerness to participate. But eventually, it started to feel like she was challenging me at every turn, and I got a bit offended. I think I even signalled one of the ushers to stop handing her the microphone.
Nkem: This was actually so funny when he shared it with me many months later. But yeah, that was me. I’m usually highly engaged at events like that. I was doing my master’s at the time and had only attended the event because I knew the organisers. I’d looked up some of the speakers prior, and I remember thinking, “oh, he looks cute and smart” when I went through his Instagram page. But that was about it. I’m not sure whether that very slight interest influenced how I interacted with him during his session.
So what happened after the session ended?
Deji: I was standing outside, chatting with friends and other attendees, when I saw her walking toward me. I think I might have rolled my eyes and said a silent “you again!” My brain had sort of filed her under the “difficult person” cabinet, and I was bracing myself for another round of her observations. But I was pleasantly surprised.
Nkem: The truth is, I knew I came up a certain way during his presentation, so I wanted to apologise for disrupting things so much. I walked up all smiles and told him I had a few more questions.
I’m guessing he obliged.
Deji: She completely disarmed me with that smile and apology.
Nkem: We stepped aside to a corner and ended up chatting for almost 20 minutes. I had so many career-related questions, and he was just super helpful and patient in his responses. Before I left, Deji also shared his number and said I could reach out whenever I wanted.
Deji: After she walked away, I remember thinking she was really pretty. It was the first time I properly took her in. I think she had a white top and burgundy baggy pants on. It just looked so stylish in the way she paired it. She looked like the kind of person I could see myself dating, but it was just a passing thought.
Right. Did Nkem reach out to you?
Nkem: I actually wanted to send a message the very next day, but I held off on purpose. I didn’t want it to look like I had some other motive behind reaching out so quickly. To be fair, I’d also noticed he looked even finer in person and was really well spoken, but I wasn’t really looking to date at that point. I was laser-focused on completing my master’s and building my side hustle. Men and relationships could wait.
But later that week, I saw a job opportunity and reached out to him to seek clarity on the role. As before, he was really helpful and patient. And really, that’s how our friendship started. It was a very professional and career-focused friendship, nothing romantic at all. I was also looking into relocating through a scholarship program, and Deji knew a lot about the process, so we always had something substantive to talk about.
Deji: We ended up attending more tech conferences together as well. We went as friends navigating similar spaces and I admit, some of the outings actually felt like lowkey dates. There were instances where we had to grab a quick lunch together at restaurants and it would just be both of us gisting and laughing and just getting to know each other. It never felt like anything beyond a valuable friendship at the time.
I hear you. And how long did the relationship stay this way?
Deji: Pretty much into the next year. But I think our dynamics really had a major shift after Nkem’s convocation ceremony. Her family couldn’t make it down to Lagos, so I made it a point to show up and make the day special for her. I invited a few mutual friends, ordered a cake and a photographer and secured a cute spot for us. She didn’t even know I was doing all that.
Nkem: That was really sweet. In my head, I just thought I’d attend the ceremony, celebrate with Deji and a few other friends who were having a proper celebration. I didn’t know this man was already plotting a coup behind me.
Deji: I mean, I didn’t want her to feel like she was celebrating alone. Funny thing is, a lot of people at the event just assumed I was her husband or fiancé because of how invested I seemed all day. I was going up and down, making sure everyone was well catered for and just generally playing big daddy.
Screaming.
Nkem: It meant a lot to me that he did that. But then, after the ceremony, I had to pull him aside and ask the “What are we?” question. We were already blurring the lines, and as I said, he wasn’t a bad guy at all. I think a part of me was already falling, even if I didn’t have the exact words to say what it was. But after the whole graduation thing, I needed to be clear about whether this was still a friendship or had become something more. Even though I wasn’t dating, I had a few people who were disturbing me, and I just wanted to know where things stood with him.
Deji: I’d honestly wanted to have that conversation, but Nkem beat me to it. I guess I just kept telling myself I was waiting for the perfect moment, even though I couldn’t really tell what that moment was. When she finally asked, I realised there was no point in stalling any longer, so I went all out and asked her out properly.
We became official that same month, January 2024.
Sounds sweet. What were the early days of the relationship like?
Deji: They were really good days. I like to call them the honeymoon phase of the relationship, but Nkem insists we’re on an everlasting honeymoon phase.
It was a lot of getting to know each other on an even deeper level. We shared the same values and were both extremely career-oriented, which made it a lot easier between us.
Nkem: I agree, though I did feel like he could be a bit too serious sometimes. Deji’s idea of fun was attending conferences, bootcamps, volunteering events, that sort of thing. I didn’t have a problem with any of that on its own; I just needed him to find some balance and put that same energy into nurturing us as a couple, not just our individual careers. What happened to going on weekend getaways, cinema dates, or even just spending an entire week cooped up at home together? That wasn’t Deji. If something serious wasn’t somewhere in the mix, he’d feel as though he wasn’t taking his life seriously. But I shared my concerns, and then he put me in charge of being the enjoyment minister. All I needed to do was set something up, and he’d make the time.
Deji: I think something else that surprised me was how direct Nkem was with intimacy. I’d never been with someone who was that specific about what she wanted and how she wanted it, so it took some getting used to on my end.
Nkem: I’m that way because intimacy genuinely matters to me in a relationship; it’s one of the things I pay close attention to. If I’m not satisfied in that area, it’s reason enough for me to walk away, so I’ve always been upfront about it rather than leaving it to guesswork.
But in general, it was a good period. We barely had any major issues. We were figuring each other out properly and testing whether our values and effort matched on both sides. I’d say the period that really tested us was when I had a housing situation in 2025.
Oh. What happened?
Nkem: My rented apartment was marked for demolition, and we all received eviction notices from the landlord. I needed to leave and get a new place within a fairly tight window, and the entire thing really threw me off. I’d been living in the house since I moved to Lagos, and it had become my safe haven. Having to leave with little or no time to prepare got me in a state of constant fear and worry. Rent prices at the time were also ridiculous. Everything available felt like it was double what I’d been paying, and raising that kind of money on short notice felt overwhelming on top of everything else I had going on.
Somewhere in the middle of all that stress, Deji suggested I move in with me.
You have your own place, Deji?
Deji: I actually live with my mum and three siblings, but it’s a big house, and we had a spare guest room that was sitting empty most of the time. Nkem had already met my family a few times by that point and they liked her, so it didn’t feel like a completely wild idea to me. It felt more like the practical solution and I guess I just wanted to ease the pressure on her.
The other thing is, I knew she was actively planning to relocate, so it wasn’t going to be a permanent arrangement.
Fair enough. But did your mum agree?
Deji: Her main worry was the optics. She didn’t want it to look bad if Nkem’s parents found out she was living with a man she wasn’t married to, especially given how conservative Nigerian parents can be about that kind of thing. But Nkem’s parents weren’t even based in Lagos, so they didn’t realise how bad the rent situation was until she broke it down for them. The moment she started mentioning rent that ran into millions, they changed their tune.
Nkem: I wasn’t fully sold on the idea myself at first. If I’m honest, moving in with your boyfriend’s family is a big shift, no matter how you frame it. I just kept drawing up different scenarios in my head. Would I get along with his mum? His siblings? Would I have to cook for them? Go greet his mum every morning? I was just overthinking everything, and Deji kept saying it wasn’t that serious. He said they’d housed strangers several times, so why would it be hard to house someone he cares about?
I think what really convinced me was the setup of the guest room. I’d visited the house enough times to know that it was built almost separately from the main house, with its own entrance, so it felt like there’d still be some real boundary and privacy there.
Eventually, I moved in that July.
What was it like once you actually moved in?
Nkem: Things were sweet and pretty normal. I was apprehensive going in, but everyone, including his mum, made an effort to make me feel welcome. They’d include me in meals, ask me to come sit with everyone in the main house, little things like that. I realised that I’d really been overthinking a lot of things. In those first few months, there were times when I didn’t see his mum more than twice a week, or even once. She’s an early riser and always leaves for her shop very early in the morning. As for his siblings, we’d been cool before, and it just continued that way. I don’t know what Deji had told them, but I knew there was some level of restraint in how they related to me. Not like a bad restraint, more like trying to be super respectful.
Deji: I’d actually done a lot of groundwork beforehand. I made sure my mum and siblings understood how much Nkem meant to me and that I didn’t want any issues arising from the living arrangement. Obviously, they laughed and made fun of me when I told them, but they also knew I was serious.
However, there are definitely things outside my control.
What do you mean?
Deji: Even with all the groundwork I put in beforehand, mothers will always be mothers. My mum has her own way of showing care that doesn’t always land the way she intends, and I can’t exactly monitor every interaction between them.
Nkem: There are moments where I feel like she’s testing me, even if she’d never say that outright, and I don’t think she means it that way either. There have been times she’s insisted she only wants food that I’ve made. She’ll just come to the room sometimes and go, “Nkem, it’s that your jollof rice that I want to eat this weekend o,” or she’d come and ask if I can make one Igbo soup or the other. It’s never said with any malice, but it still feels like a subtle test in a way I can’t quite explain. Like, there’s no way I can turn down the request even if I’m not feeling up to it.
Do you ever think she’s just trying to bond?
Nkem: I don’t deny that, but it still feels strange sometimes. And it’s not just the food. Whenever Deji is away, whether it’s for the weekend or a work trip, she insists I come sleep in her room rather than stay alone in the guest room, even though I’m perfectly comfortable there.
Deji has tried to reassure me that she means well, that it’s just her wanting to look out for me while he’s not around, and honestly, I don’t doubt her intentions at all. It just still makes me uncomfortable in the moment.
When I try to explain how it feels from my side, Deji tends to see it purely as his mum extending love. And it sometimes makes me feel like my feelings get brushed aside, even if that’s never his intention,
Deji: I do genuinely believe my mum means well. That’s just her way of showing care and making sure Nkem feels included, and not like an outsider. But I recognise I need to be more intentional about drawing clearer boundaries with my family around this, rather than just assuming good intentions cover everything.
Neat. Is there a plan for how long this living arrangement will last?
Deji: We’re actually looking to relocate soon, so hopefully this whole thing comes to a natural end once that happens. I can’t wait for the day when we finally have our own space to ourselves.
Speaking of the future, what would you say is the best thing about being with each other?
What’s the best thing about being with each other through all of this?
Nkem: Deji is very supportive. That’s one thing I can never take away from him. There are things I’ve achieved just in the few years we’ve been together that would have taken me more time and effort. He has consistently shown up for me, and I love him for that. Despite the awkward moments with his family, I do genuinely feel welcomed by them, and that matters to me.
Deji: I feel lucky to have someone this purpose-driven by my side. I also don’t have to worry about whether my family accepts her, because they clearly do, even with the small frictions here and there. I’m just looking forward to when we finally move and get to have our own privacy as a couple.
How would you rate your love life on a scale of 1-10?
Deji: I’d say an 8. Obviously, the living situation has added some strain that isn’t really about us as a couple, so I’m knocking off a couple of points for that, but Nkem is my person.
Nkem: I’ll also say an 8. We’ve built a strong foundation both as friends and lovers. I can’t wait to start exploring the world with my best man.
*Names have been changed to protect the identity of the subjects.
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