When Tiwalade*, 31, got married, she wasn’t sure she wanted it. Three years in, she’s confronted many of the things she once worried about, including infidelity, emotional and financial abuse, and the feeling that she’s losing parts of herself.

In this week’s Marriage Diaries, Tiwalade shares how she ignored her instincts when her relationship moved too fast, the pregnancy that made her question whether she wanted to stay married, and why she’s now counting the days until she can leave.

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I never really wanted marriage

I wasn’t sure I’d ever get married, so I didn’t spend much time thinking about it. Don’t get me wrong, I loved the idea of love. My friends would even call me a hopeless romantic. I had so many romance novels that I used to rent them out to friends. But I also understood that what I read in books and watched in movies wasn’t necessarily real life.

My parents didn’t have a good marriage. They loved each other in their own way, but theirs wasn’t the kind of relationship that made you eager to get married. My mum used to say my dad only changed after they had children, and as he got older.

For a long time, I told myself I didn’t want to get married or have children. I imagined finding a companion and figuring out life together without necessarily getting married. That was what I wanted, but I never said it out loud. 

Then I met my husband, and everything moved quickly. We dated for about six months and got married by the eighth month. He was very serious about marriage, and he made that clear from the beginning. The first time he met my parents, he told them he planned to marry me.

I remember we even had a small fight because that meeting was only supposed to be a casual visit. Looking back, maybe that was when I should have paid more attention. Once he decided he was ready for marriage, it started to feel like I was the one holding things up. Even my family told me that if I wasn’t ready, I should let him go.

Before the wedding, he was nice, patient and kind. Looking back, I feel like he hid his red flags well. From the first year of our marriage, I started regretting that I hadn’t listened to myself.

In these past few years, the only thing I haven’t experienced is physical abuse. I’ve dealt with infidelity, emotional and financial abuse, gaslighting, everything you can think of. Sometimes, it feels like I’ve been married for a decade. Then I remember it’s only been three years.

We started fighting almost immediately

I didn’t expect our problems to start so soon. From the stories I’d heard, the early years of marriage were supposed to be the sweet, peaceful part. Mine wasn’t like that.

The month we moved in together, we had a major fight while setting up the house. I wanted the bedroom to look a certain way, while my husband had a different idea. He reminded me that he’d let me design the kitchen however I wanted, and I didn’t like what I thought he was implying.

I asked if he was saying I should be confined to the kitchen because that was my place. I’ll never forget his response: “Whose place is the kitchen if not yours?”

We shouted at each other and didn’t speak for about three days. Eventually, I was the one who apologised. I remember wondering if this was what our marriage would look like every time we disagreed.

Well, I was right. Since then, there’s always been one argument or another. Most of the time, I just find ways to keep the peace. I still feel like it’s too early to start involving other people in our marriage, so I’ve mostly had to figure things out on my own.

Pregnancy made me question everything

The first time I seriously questioned whether I could stay in the marriage was when I got pregnant. I was very sick and didn’t understand what was happening to my body. My husband never said it directly, but I felt like my pregnancy irritated him. He moved into another room, and we didn’t have sex throughout the pregnancy. Whenever I tried to initiate, he had an excuse. I kept reminding him that we were still in the early stages and could have sex, but he didn’t want to hear it.

I started wondering if I could actually stay with him. At one point, I even had the dark thought of ending the pregnancy because I didn’t want to feel tied to the marriage. I don’t know if it was the hormones, but I remember feeling that way. What made everything more confusing was that he still showed up for me in other ways. He followed me to my hospital appointments, made sure I had everything I needed and even offered to get someone to help take care of me.

I couldn’t make sense of the contradiction. I eventually prayed about it and convinced myself I was probably overreacting. Somehow, the doubts passed.

Finding out about my husband’s affairs changed how I handle conflict

Late last year, I went through his phone. He’d been telling me he didn’t have money, and I knew he wasn’t being truthful, so I wanted to check his account balance or find something that would explain what was going on. When I finally got the chance, I didn’t find any debit or credit alerts. Instead, I found messages between him and two different women.

It wasn’t even the first time I’d suspected he was cheating. I’d once found a condom in his travel bag, but he managed to explain it away with a series of lies. This time, I had evidence, so I confronted him.

I still don’t know if there’s a right way to have a conversation like that, but it quickly became a heated argument. Instead of addressing what I’d found, he focused on my invasion of his privacy. He emotionally blackmailed me so much that I started wondering if I was the one who had done something wrong.

That experience changed how I approach certain conversations. I became much more careful about what I say and how I say it.

Now, he’s expecting a child with another woman. I found out from his phone again, but I pretended I didn’t know for a while. Eventually, I told my mum because carrying it alone had become too much.

She advised me to approach him gently. This time, he admitted that he’d had something to do with the woman but insisted he wasn’t the father of the child. I know he’s lying because I read their messages, and what I saw didn’t look like a fling.

That’s where we are now. He insists nothing is still happening between them, and I’m trying to be patient. But at this point, I’m counting the days until I can leave the marriage. I know my time is up.

I don’t recognise who I’ve become

I’ve lost parts of myself over the past couple of years. I’m quicker to anger now, and I wasn’t like that before. I’m constantly on the offensive because I feel like the other person is trying to get one over on me. I used to be slow to react, almost to a fault. Now, my husband has brought out a side of me I didn’t know existed.

It’s affected my relationships outside the marriage, too. Earlier this year, I spent a week at my parents’ house and found myself constantly shouting at my siblings or complaining about something. My mum eventually asked, “When did you become like this?”

That question stayed with me for the rest of my visit. I had to consciously stop myself from reacting to little things my siblings did. The funny thing is, they were things I would have laughed about before.

Having a child in the middle of all this hasn’t made things easier. Sometimes, I feel like I’m losing my mind. My baby could be throwing a tantrum while I’m already dealing with another issue with his dad, and it all becomes too much.

I can’t wait to feel like myself again.

I should have listened to myself

If I could go back, I’d tell myself to listen to that first instinct about wanting a companion instead of pushing myself towards marriage. Even now, I think about leaving once I’m financially capable of standing on my own. But I don’t know if it’ll be as easy to do as it sounds in my head.

If I could advise my younger self, I’d tell her to listen to herself. Don’t let people talk you into making a decision because they think it’s right for you. I wish I had listened.

 *Names have been changed to protect the identity of the subjects.

Got a marriage story to share? Please fill the form and we’ll reach out.