Popular media and culture are saturated with images of heterosexual, monogamous relationships as the ideal set-up for “true romance”, especially around Valentine’s Day. But love exists in many forms, and unconventional relationship structures navigate the love holiday in unique ways.
Curious, Zikoko sat with six non-monogamous Nigerians to explore how they celebrate Valentine’s, their past experiences, and what the day means to them.
Navigating love beyond monogamy
For those in non-monogamous relationships, Valentine’s Day can be a delicate balancing act of time, attention, and resources. Some find ways to celebrate each partner individually, while others embrace group activities or choose to celebrate on different days.
Here’s how six Nigerians in non-monogamous relationships approach the holiday of love.
“I can’t spend Valentine’s Day with multiple people” — Tomi*(23)
I had my first Valentine’s experience in a polyamorous relationship, and it taught me some hard lessons. First, I can’t spend Valentine’s Day with multiple people. I like to treat each of my partners as specially as possible (and within my budget), so trying to schedule multiple dates on the same day isn’t ideal for me.
I prefer to designate time between my partners to make sure I spend quality time with each of them because that’s one of my primary love languages.
I love Valentine’s Day because I’m a romantic, and it allows me to do things that will appeal to each of my partners specifically. This year, I have one partner and I’m making her a scrapbook of some of our favourite memories since we’ve been together.
My favourite part about Valentine’s is that I get to do something special and romantic for my partner. My least favourite thing about the holiday is the cost — doing something cute for the person you love can really drain your account, but it’s worth it.
“If you choose to spend Valentine’s Day with one person, it may seem like you’re placing that partner above your other partners”— Junior*(27)
Personally, Valentine’s Day is always chaotic. I wouldn’t say I have traditions, but sometimes I plan multiple dates with different time slots on that day, which is mostly impractical. Other times, I just spend it alone since scheduling can be tricky, and sometimes, I plan stuff for other days because everyone can be busy on Valentine’s Day.
My favourite part about Valentine’s is that there’s more love to celebrate. My least favourite bit is that it depends on how you choose to spend the day. If you spend it alone, you’re good. But if you choose to spend it with one person, it may seem like you’re placing that partner above any other person you’re sharing your love with, and that just leads to wahala.
“It’s my dream to make more money so I can totally bankroll my wives and all their desires.” — Mila*(24)
Valentine’s Day is looking like plenty debit alerts, kai. I have three partners, and between curating gift boxes and the exchange rate, I’m leaking money everywhere. I show love with gift giving, so it’s very important to me that I come correct when I send gifts. It’s my dream to make more money so I can totally bankroll my wives and all their desires.
“I’m currently writing each of my friends a heartfelt love letter, which they will receive on Valentine’s Day.” — Tiolu*(25)
I’m aroace, non-monogamous and single this Valentine’s. So I don’t have much planned, but I’m currently writing each of my friends a heartfelt love letter, which they will receive on Valentine’s Day. I’m also considering a physical celebration with my friends — the possibilities are endless.
“This year because the economy is not smiling, we’re doing a weekend staycation at my apartment.” — Yemisi* (27)
I don’t really care for Valentine’s Day, but one of my partners really loves it, so I try to go the extra mile. This year, because the economy is not smiling, we’re doing a weekend staycation at my apartment. We’re going to watch all his favourite shows and play games and cuddle. Then next week I’ll go on a nice dinner date with my other partner just to keep things balanced.
My favourite thing about Valentine’s is that everyone is so lovey-dovey — it’s adorable. My least favourite thing, though, is that the social media pressure can be a bit stifling.
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