Sunken Ships is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.

Growing up together with an abusive relative, Omolabake* (44) and her brother, Olamide* (41), bonded over their shared suffering. After they escaped, they swore never to send their children to live with relatives who treat them poorly. However, years later, Omolabake’s son had to move in with Olamide for school, and their relationship began to unravel.

For Sunken Ships, Labake shares the incident that ruined her close relationship with her brother and why she decided to cut him off.

When did you realise your relationship with your brother was over?

When I got evidence of the terrible way my brother was treating my son, I knew we would never see eye to eye again.

Let’s start from the beginning. What was growing up like for you?

It was hard. I spent my early childhood in a village in Ondo with my four siblings. When we reached the age for secondary school, we were sent off to live with different relatives who helped pay our fees. In turn, we did chores and ran errands for them. My younger brother and I were sent to live with the same strict aunt.

How did that influence your relationship with your brother?

That experience made us close. Our aunt was wicked and treated us badly. Beatings and cruel punishments were always on the table. We bonded over our suffering with her and swore that when we had our own kids, we wouldn’t send them to live with relatives who would treat them poorly.

Totally fair. How did you guys escape your wicked aunt?

After we graduated, I moved back home to Ondo and got married, while my brother moved to Lagos and settled down there. 

Did the distance affect your relationship?

No, we were the closest to each other among all our siblings. We kept in touch by phone and visited each other often.

What led to your conflict?

Despite my promise to myself to never send my children to live with relatives, things didn’t go as planned. In 2021, my first son was admitted to Unilag and needed a place to stay. Getting him accommodation was expensive, and I complained about it to my brother on the phone. He immediately offered to house him.

That was nice of him. How did you respond?

I jumped at his offer. I thought it would be great for my son to spend a few years with his uncle and his family. It was cheaper, and I knew he would be with someone I trusted. I was even willing to send over money to cover his upkeep, but my brother refused.

Where did things go wrong?

At first, everything was fine. My son did chores and went to school from home. But a few months into his stay, he complained to my brother about the number of chores that were assigned to him. He told him it was becoming difficult to balance the chores with his schoolwork.

What did your brother say?

He became angry. He called my son lazy, saying that he did more chores when we grew up with my aunt, and it never affected his schooling.

Ah. What happened after that?

In early 2022, my son couldn’t wash my brother’s car before heading to class. As punishment, my brother beat him. Ordinarily, I’m not against discipline when it’s needed, but did he want to kill my child for me? He beat my son like an animal. My son sent me a photo of all the welts and marks on his body from the beating.

Oh no. What did you do when you saw that?

It felt like my head was going to explode with anger. The next day, I took a bus to Lagos to get my child back and to confront my brother.

How did that go?

It became a shouting match. My brother refused to see that what he had done was wrong. He claimed I was being too soft on my son. That made me angrier because I know he would never accept it if someone else did that to his child.

What happened after that?

I paid through the nose for a private room in a hostel for my son and took him away from that house. I reported my brother to our siblings and let them know I was distancing myself from him. 

Did they try to intervene?

Yes, they did, but my brother’s lack of remorse kept the rift between us.

Did he ever reach out to apologise?

Not once. He has kept to himself since I confronted him in Lagos.

Would you ever consider reconciling with him if he apologised?

No. He’s no better than the wicked aunt who maltreated us. I don’t want anything to do with him.

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