Sunken Ships is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.

Jonah* (38) grew up terrified of Joseph (42) and his unpredictable anger. 

For Sunken Ships, he shares what it was like growing up with a sibling who was allowed to discipline him, and why he cut Joseph off completely a decade ago.

At what point did you realise you were done with your relationship with your brother?

The last time he beat me up. I decided at that moment that I couldn’t allow someone so violent to have access to me.

Whoa. That’s awful. What was growing up with your brother like?

It was unpredictable. Being the firstborn, he was the next authority after our parents. He was allowed to disciple my two siblings and me, and he relished it. One second, we’d be laughing together, and the next, he’d be pummeling me into the ground for looking at him the wrong way. I was terrified of him.

That must have strained your relationship.

Yes, it did. By my mid-teens, I became withdrawn and always felt on edge. It was like living with a ticking bomb. I would only interact with my brother when it was necessary because I was afraid of setting him off. 

Did you ever tell your parents about this?

Yes, I did, but they didn’t take it seriously. To them, my older brother had the authority to discipline us, and they blindly trusted that he was using his power responsibly.

At what point did you realise your dynamic with Joseph wasn’t normal?

I knew my relationship with Joseph was weird when I went to university and saw how my peers and their older siblings interacted. I was one of the few people who was afraid of my older brother.

Did things change when you both became adults?

No, in fact, they became worse. When my dad passed away in 2010, Joseph became “the man of the house”, and my mum allowed him to have the final say on any decisions. If my siblings or I ever stepped out of line, she would report us to Joseph, who would punish us how he saw fit. The power went to his head, and this eventually led me to cut him off.

Tell me about that.

It happened in 2016. I was 28 and had just moved back home to Lagos for a new job. That day, I had gone out for drinks with some friends and didn’t get back home till 10:00 pm. I got home to find an angry Joseph, who felt I should have told him I would be out late. I apologised and promised to do so next time, but that wasn’t enough for Joseph.

What did he want?

He told me to kneel in the living room till he released me. I thought it was ridiculous, so I didn’t do it. Instead, I went to my room. I had just gotten into bed when Joseph barged into my room and started beating me. 

Whoa.

I tried my best to defend myself and punched him. It only made him angrier. It was so bad that my mum had to separate us. I couldn’t sleep that night because of the pain. The next morning, I packed a few of my things and went to stay with a friend because I couldn’t stand being in the same house with him any longer.

What happened after that?

My mum called a family meeting and tried to force a reconciliation. She tried to make me apologise to him as the younger brother, but I told her firmly that I wasn’t going to. I wanted nothing to do with Joseph after that fight, and I made it clear to her.

How did the rest of your family take your decision?

My mum was sad and said I was breaking up the family my father had left behind. My younger siblings, on the other hand, fully support my decision. They had also grown weary of Joseph’s violence and overbearing personality. I have avoided interacting with him since that 2016 meeting.

Did Joseph ever try to reach out to you to reconcile?

He’s reached out a few times over the years, but I have ignored or turned him down each time. 

Why?

He doesn’t want us to find new ways to navigate our relationship. He just wants to continue the authoritarian one we used to have, and I’m not interested.

What’s your siblings’ relationship with Joseph now?

My youngest brother is the only one who still talks to Joseph. My younger sister and I haven’t spoken to him in years.

Do you think there’s ever a chance for reconciliation?

No. I don’t think he has changed at all, and I refuse to have that kind of violence in my life.

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