Trigger Warning: This article contains sensitive topics, including physical assault and sexual abuse, which some readers may find distressing. Reader discretion is advised.
On the Streets is a Zikoko weekly series about the chaos of modern dating: from situationships and endless talking stages, to heartbreak and everything it means to be single in today’s world.
For Jane* (22), dating has been a rollercoaster. From a messy first relationship, true love cut short, to a compulsive liar who nearly scammed her, she reflects on the experiences that shaped her perspective on dating today.
What’s your relationship status, and how do you feel about it?
I’m single, and I’m not mad about it. After everything I’ve experienced, my standards have gotten higher. I’d rather remain single than settle again.
How did you get here? Walk me through your dating life.
My relationships have mostly been chaotic. I started dating in university, shortly after resuming from the COVID-19 break.
Okon* approached me on my way to the hostel and wouldn’t leave me until I gave him my number. I didn’t plan to take him seriously because he dressed very strangely, but my feelings grew over time. I was in my first year, while he was in his final year, and I liked that he seemed mature.
But our first real issue came when I discovered he was a drug dealer.
Wow. How did you find out?
At first, I had no idea. Although I thought it was weird that boys were always looking for him, he covered up by saying it was because he sold necklaces. A few months later, I heard students gossiping about how dangerous Okon’s drug dealing in our private uni could be. I confronted him, but he brushed it off like I was picking a fight over nothing. I eventually had to let it go.
The second issue was his ex. He told me they were just friends, but he saved her name with a heart and a lock, and pinned her chat. My number was saved with just my name and stayed unpinned. It hurt, but I ignored it because I didn’t want to seem clingy.
A few months into the relationship, I jokingly mentioned I heard he was sleeping with her. He thought I had evidence and immediately broke down, admitting they’d hooked up. He even said he was still in love with her and that they only broke up because she was relocating abroad.
Even after hearing all this, I still convinced myself I could make him change and fall for me.
Did he ever change?
Not at all. During the holiday, a mutual friend posted a video of him grinding his ex at a party. When I confronted him, he said grinding was just dancing, and I was overreacting. That was when I realised I’d wasted my entire first year on someone using me as a placeholder.
I checked out emotionally. I decided to ghost him instead of officially ending things. Subsequently, he tried to turn things into a friends-with-benefits situation and even invited me to his hotel during his convocation, but I kept my distance until it faded.
Not long after, I fell into a situationship with a Lagos boy who turned out to be a pathological liar.
Tell me about him.
I met Ryan* on Snapchat in 2023 during my IT. We later realised we went to the same school. He was good-looking and fun to talk to, and our first date was surprisingly great.
After that, we didn’t see each other in person for a while, but we kept texting. That’s when the lies started.
What kind of lies?
He painted himself in ways that exaggerated his image. Unprovoked, he told me he had $5000 in savings and was tight with Lagos celebrities. He even sent a picture of himself in a bar with one celebrity, but I later learned he’d begged his friend to let him tag along and ended up embarrassing the celebrity by asking him for money.
Another time, he sent me the screenshot of a ₦500k transfer he made. What he didn’t realise was that the screenshot also showed the credit alert that came before it. His friend had sent him the ₦500k, and his balance was just ₦2k. He quickly deleted it and resent a cropped version, which I pretended not to notice.
He also claimed he lived in Lekki. Meanwhile, his Snapchat location was always showing Apapa. Even after I confronted him, he wouldn’t admit it.
So, did you end things seeing these red flags?
Not immediately. I’d just moved to Lagos and didn’t know anyone. He kept me company. I didn’t like him deeply, but the situationship filled time.
But four months in, I knew I was done. He’d travelled to England, and when he returned, he convinced me to meet him at a hotel he supposedly booked. I got there, and he was nowhere to be found.
Two hours later, he called, claiming that traffic had held him up. Then he said he hadn’t paid because his bank was down. He asked me to foot the hotel bill, promising to refund me once he arrived.
When he finally showed up, I insisted on seeing his STI results as we’d discussed. He reluctantly showed something that didn’t look authentic, but we still got intimate. During that moment, I asked if he’d slept with anyone on his trip. He proudly said he’d finally fulfilled his dream of sleeping with a white woman.
How did you react to that?
I pushed him off immediately. He didn’t understand why I was upset. According to him, sleeping with a white woman wasn’t cheating because “white women are superior.” He said if it were a black woman, that would be cheating.
I was disgusted. I told him it was weird to fetishise white women. When he kept insisting it didn’t matter, I demanded my money back. He said his bank app still wasn’t working, so I left angrily. For months, I didn’t get my refund.
Back at school, I found out almost everyone knew he was a liar. He told girls he’d “spend dollars” on them, then ended up borrowing money from them. One day, I saw him with a girl near my hostel. I walked up to them and publicly told the girl to run if she valued her money. After I embarrassed him, he finally refunded me. That was the last time I heard from him.
Phew. Did you meet anyone better after?
Yes. I met Jay* in early 2024 through mutual friends who thought we’d click. And we really did. From the beginning, it was easy conversations and good vibes. We started dating two months later.
Around that time, I planned a staycation with my girlfriends. On that trip, one of the guys they invited sexually assaulted me while I was passed out. When I told my friends, they handled it as a joke, so I brushed it off.
Jay was the first person to take me seriously. He told me those girls weren’t my friends and pointed out the ways they pushed my boundaries. Because of him, I was able to end the friendship. That event made me love him even more. Sadly, our relationship ended a few months after.
What caused the breakup?
We couldn’t survive a long-distance relationship. We graduated in April, and our lives began to move in different directions. When I noticed our communication was slipping, I told him it was best to end things. Staying longer would eventually make the breakup hurt more. He understood and agreed. We ended on good terms in June 2024.
Even a year later, I still miss him sometimes. I still compare other men to him. But I know the breakup was the right choice.
How have your experiences shaped what you want from love?
The bad relationships taught me to trust my gut. If something feels off, I no longer explain it away. I don’t compromise on my values.
From my good relationship, I learned not to write everyone off. People deserve a clean slate until they prove otherwise. I also learned to love my own company. And I genuinely believe there are many fish in the sea. If I could meet someone like Jay after two disasters, there’s no reason I won’t meet someone even better later.
How would you say the streets are treating you? Rate it on a scale of 1-10
10/10. This is the longest I’ve been single, and I’ve grown to value my peace. Until I meet someone who can add to that peace, I’m very happy on my own.
