On the Streets is a Zikoko weekly series about the chaos of modern dating: from situationships and endless talking stages,  to heartbreak and everything it means to be single in today’s world.

Faith* (27) was raised to believe marriage was the natural next step into adulthood. But after years in a tumultuous relationship with a controlling partner, she shares what it took to walk away and how she’s learning to start over.

What’s your current relationship status, and how do you feel about it?

I’m recently divorced. It’s not a shock, but it still feels like new terrain. I’m learning how to navigate it one day at a time.

How did you get here? Walk me through your journey with love and relationships.

I spent most of my childhood as a church girl. My parents were extremely religious, and I avoided relationships because I felt they were meant to lead to marriage, and I was still too young.

I had just finished university and was job hunting while serving in the evangelism unit of my church when I met David* in 2019. We connected through a mutual friend at our crossover service and started talking. David and I dated for over a year, and it was enough time for us to realise that we wanted to get married. Those were some of the happiest moments of my life. I’d always dreamed of getting married early, so it felt like everything was falling into place. But that changed when I met his mum in 2021.

From our first meeting, I could tell she didn’t like me. She was openly hostile and constantly found ways to humiliate me. I tried my best to be respectful, but nothing worked.

Once, I attended a service at her church to make her happy. After the service, I offered to carry her bag. She shouted at me in front of everyone, told me to stop pretending we were close, and said she was only enduring me.

Our wedding was just seven weeks away when this happened. I spent many days and nights crying. My parents warned that if his mum already behaved this way, marriage would be difficult. Eventually, I realised I no longer had peace about the relationship, so I called off the wedding, even though I cared deeply about David.

That must’ve been a difficult decision.

It was. David was heartbroken and even left the church. I felt terrible and blamed myself for a long time.

While I was trying to move on from the incident, Promise*, another guy who worked in my church unit, reached out to comfort me. He’d flirted with me before, but I’d never taken him seriously. He was charismatic and knew exactly what to say. My parents fell for his charm and encouraged our connection.

In May 2021, the same month I was meant to marry David, Promise proposed. Everything happened very quickly, yet it didn’t make us slow down. By July, we were married.

That’s interesting. How was married life?

It was perfect at first. Promise appeared hardworking and ambitious. He wanted us to move to Lagos for better opportunities, and we relocated after the wedding.

I got pregnant almost immediately, so I wasn’t working that first year. That was when the problems started. He provided food but refused to buy me clothes or personal items. If I used food money to buy clothes, he’d get angry.

After I gave birth in 2022, he insisted I start working and contributing financially. When I got a teaching job, he demanded we split all expenses 50-50, even though my salary was barely ₦60k and his businesses earned much more.

That sounds inconsiderate

It was exhausting. I paid for feeding, transport, and still handled childcare alone. My parents eventually sent me one of their cars to reduce transport costs.

One weekend, Promise took the car on a business trip and returned without it. He sold it without my permission and said he wanted to buy us a bigger one. That was when resentment really set in.

Over time, he became even more controlling. He started restricting my movements and constantly criticised me. When I struggled to conceive again, he shamed me and made me feel inadequate.

I eventually quit my teaching job in 2023 because the stress became unbearable. When I told him I’d been laid off, he stopped giving me food. He bought food for our daughter once a day and ate outside, while I depended on neighbours. I couldn’t tell my parents because I didn’t want to worry them. Thankfully, I later got a better-paying job at an elderly care home. When he found out my salary, he immediately reinstated the 50-50 arrangement.

Before long, he turned violent. During an argument in January 2024, he slapped me repeatedly until I fell. Later, he apologised by quoting  Bible verses about discipline, and blamed me for provoking him. I believed him, and we reconciled.

A few months later, when I confronted him about checking my bank statements, he strangled me in front of our daughter. That became my breaking point. I ran out and spent the night at my neighbour’s place.

Did you return to the house?

Only to pack my belongings and return to my parents’ house. But Promise involved the church, elders, and family members. He cried, begged, and promised to change. Everyone pressured me to forgive him, saying marriage required endurance and that divorce should only happen in extreme cases. Reluctantly, I returned after a month.

I see. Did he turn a new leaf? 

He became even more manipulative and started isolating me. He wouldn’t let my friends or relatives visit, and he chased away neighbours who tried to help me out.

Around August, I suspected he was cheating. I found condoms in his clothes, even though we’d never used them. I also realised he was sneaking out at night while I slept, even though we were in different rooms. One night, I caught him leaving, and he claimed he had walked to our church to pray. But when I looked into it, the church security confirmed he never visited at night. 

Did you consider leaving for good this time?

Yes, but I knew people would pressure me to return, so I mentally checked out of the marriage.

Last year, I met Alfred* at work. We became close, and he often flirted with me. I allowed myself to have a brief sexual relationship with him. He had no idea I was married, and it felt like an escape. It lasted from February to March before I ended it. 

In September, during another heated argument with Promise, I told him about the affair. He became furious, threw things at me, and I  escaped to my neighbour’s house. He never let me back into the house and demanded a divorce.

Even though I offered an amicable separation, he reported me to my parents and the church and began sending me death threats. I eventually resigned from my job for safety reasons and moved back home with my daughter. He’s still trying to fight for custody, but I know he won’t succeed because he neglected her.

I’m sorry you had to go through all that. How have these experiences shaped your idea of love and relationships?

Marriage can be beautiful, but it shouldn’t feel like hell. I was too young and sheltered. I wish I’d given myself more time and exposure before marriage. Even at my age, I left that relationship with blood pressure issues.

Still, I haven’t given up on love. I just want to be healed and financially stable before I try again.

Finally, how are the streets treating you these days? Rate it on a scale of one to ten.

I’d give it 8/10. I finally have peace, and I’m hopeful and excited about what’s next.

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