Sunken Ships is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.
Ngozi* (49) and Ada* (48) met at university and, after weathering a tragedy together, became best friends. Their friendship spanned two decades and overcame long distance, but it eventually fell apart when Ada’s behaviour changed and Ngozi realised that Ada didn’t value their sisterhood like she did.
How did your friendship with Ada begin?
Ada and I were members of the Catholic Forum at our university campus back in 1998. We were both executives, but we weren’t close because she was a year behind me. However, we were cordial and had worked well together.
In 2000, Ada’s mother passed away, and I was one of the representatives from the catholic forum who attended the funeral to pass on our condolences. While there, she said something that stuck with me.
What did she say?
She urged us not to postpone any good thing we wanted to do for our parents who were still alive, because one could never know when they had run out of time. I decided to give her even more support as she dealt with her loss, and our friendship deepened.
Wow, that’s so heart-warming. What was your friendship with Ada like?
It was fantastic. We were basically sisters, and our friendship made our families close. I spent the holidays at hers, and she spent time with my family as well. Our friendship lasted over twenty years, and during that time, we graduated from school, got married and had kids, but we always kept in touch. I even attended her wedding before, she and her husband moved to Uganda.
In 2012, she and her kids came back to Nigeria because she wanted them to have Nigerian roots. They chose to move to my city in Anambra, and that made me so happy. Even though I had to miss my uncle’s burial to do so, I helped her stock food at her new apartment and helped them settle in.
How was your friendship with Ada like after she moved back to Nigeria?
It was as if she never left. We just picked up our sisterhood from where we left off, even her husband knew I called her “my sweetheart” affectionately. I was also her confidant because her husband stayed back in Uganda, and adjusting to a long-distance marriage was hard. However, it was shortly after she moved back that we started having issues.
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What sort of issues did you have?
Because of my strict religious upbringing, I follow strong personal principles. Ada knew this as well, so when she started cheating on her husband with a Catholic priest, she felt that I would judge her. I tried to make it clear that I didn’t judge her, but I also didn’t condone what she was doing, as it went against my personal ethics.
Did she accept that you weren’t judging her?
Not at all. Ada tried to paint me as ‘better’ than her, and she started making jokes about how I was a ‘saint’, so there were things she knew she couldn’t share with me. At first, I thought this was just a normal joke between friends, but it started coming up every time we would see each other. One time, she even joked that she wished that God would give her what I have. That made me uncomfortable because to me, she and her family were much better off than mine. I was doing my Phd while her family had just completed their second building, which they rented out for extra income.
Did you ever try to talk about it with her?
Yes, but she would always brush it off as a joke, and I didn’t want to push it. Besides, we started quarrelling over other things.
Tell me about that.
One of our biggest issues was that I was the only one who reached out to Ada. Whenever she contacted me, it was because she needed me to help her do something. It was upsetting. I tried to speak to her about it, but she would always make the excuse that she was busy with her kids. My one regret was that I didn’t end the friendship during that period. Instead, we decided to give the friendship another chance.
Did her behaviour improve after you gave it another chance?
No, in fact, Ada became dodgy. She opened a boutique I patronised often when she returned to Nigeria. Then one random day, I found out that she had changed to a cement business. She sold all her boutique wares on clearance but never told me about it. I felt bad about that, but I let it go. I wanted to visit her new cement shop, but every time I called to ask for the address, Ada would say she was busy or away from the store. I knew she was avoiding me, but I wanted to fight for our friendship, so I kept trying to visit her. But in 2023, she added the last straw that broke our friendship.
What did she do?
Ada didn’t like living in Nigeria after moving back from Uganda, and started to process her relocation to another country with her kids. I was very involved in the process and helped them facilitate a lot of the requirements they needed. I didn’t think anything of the effort I put in for her because I saw her as my sister.
As the time for her emigration drew closer, I kept trying to visit her so we could talk, but she continued to give excuses. I asked for the exact date she was travelling, but she dodged the question. A few days before she travelled, I tried to visit her for the last time. She kept giving excuses, and eventually her number stopped going through. I just accepted that as the end of our friendship and tried to move on.
Did Ada try to reach out to you after she left the country?
Yes. Two weeks after she left, she started blowing up my phone with messages asking for my forgiveness and saying she knew she had wronged me. I told her I had forgiven her, and she had nothing to worry about. She even called me after she got a job and asked me to fill out a referral form for her. I did and sent it back to her. After all, I wasn’t surprised that she reached out because she needed my help with something.
Did she try to pretend like your friendship was the way it used to be?
Yes, she called me on my birthday and tried to act like we were still close. I replied politely, and that was the end of that. Mentally, I have burned that bridge and I want nothing to do with her after she treated me like I was someone disposable.
Do you regret your friendship with Ada?
A little bit, yes. Because of my strict religious upbringing and my fear of heartbreak, I avoided casual romantic relationships with men and thought I would be safe in my platonic friendships. However, the situation with Ada broke my heart and introduced me to a pain I wanted to avoid forever.
How do you feel about your friendship with Ada now?
I miss her, but I value my dignity far more than any emotional breadcrumbs she has to offer me. Although I saw her as my sister, she treated me like an acquaintance. I’ve since decided to pour myself into my other friendships and nurture the relationships that mirror the effort I put into them.
Would you reconcile if Ada came back and promised she had changed?
No. I don’t think our friendship can recover from the damage it has suffered. It’s sad, but I think our relationship has run its course.
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