If Fast & Furious Were Directed In Nigeria

April 2, 2021

Just Imagine is a Zikoko weekly series that takes fictional pop culture icons and reimagines them as chaotic Nigerians. 


To drive in Nigeria, you must be insane. It is a standard requirement. So, in a way, we are living the real-life version of Fast & Furious. Except when it comes to jumping from buses to tankers. Who is helping you do that one?

So, on this episode of Just Imagine, I’ll be reimagining Fast & Furious as a Nigerian movie because if there’s one thing we know about Nigerians, it is that we don’t play with our lives.


24 Hours Before The Shoot.

Director’s Apartment.

The Director is sitting on a couch in his brightly-lit living room. He picks up his phone and dials a few numbers.

Director: Hello! Hope everybody can hear me?

The people over the phone respond.

Director: We will be shooting the car race scene tomorrow, so come with your cars because we don’t have car to give you.

There is some murmuring over the phone.

Director: I say come with your car!

The director ends the call.


24 Hours Before The Shoot.

Tattoo Parlour.

Frank Donga drops a call. He is sitting in a tattoo artist’s chair while the artist stands next to him and lays out his instruments.

Frank: You see that this director is mad? Where will I see car now?

The tattoo artist continues his task, ignoring Frank Donga.

Frank: Abi, I can see your own car to borrow?

Tattoo Artist: I don’t have.

Frank: That one outside nko? That school bus. Is not your own?

The tattoo artist holds up an instrument and turns it on. The needle starts to spin. Frank Donga looks from the needle to the artist.

Frank: Is that what you will use for me?

Tattoo Artist: You said you want a big lion on your forehead, right?

Frank: I didn’t know that it is this drill you will use oh. 

Tattoo Artist: Have you changed your mind?

Frank: (nods) Draw only the lion’s face. I don’t want body again.

The tattoo artist nods.

Frank: I don’t want it to have eyes, nose and mouth o.

Tattoo Artist: …

Frank:

Tattoo Artist: So you want an empty circle on your forehead?

Frank: Help me do half.

The tattoo artist sighs and lifts his needle.

Frank: Oga?

Tattoo Artist: Yes?

Frank: Don’t you have those sticker tattoo?

Tattoo Artist:


12 Hours Before The Shoot.

Car Dealership.

Toyin Abraham, dressed in shorts, a fake Lacoste shirt and slippers is walking around the Mercedes dealership. A young salesman walks behind her as she checks out the cars.

Toyin: (points at a car) How much?

Salesman: 60 million, ma.

Toyin: How much for staff discount?

Salesman: Ideally, there is a 2.5% discount, but you’re not staff.

Toyin looks around, leans in and presses 350 into his hands.

Toyin: (whispering) Hold this one first.

Salesman: (sighs) Security!

Toyin


15 Minutes Before The Shoot.

The Director is standing on Third Mainland Bridge, frowning at Toyin Abraham who is chewing sugarcane.

Director: Why did you bring trailer that is carrying goats?

Toyin: (bites sugarcane) I’m taking it to Kano. I want to use one stone to kill two bir…

Frank Donga pulls up with an APGA (All Progressives Grand Alliance) keke napep. The director looks inside and sees 3 people dressed in the APGA t-shirt.

Director: Who are all these ones?

Frank Donga: (turns to them) Vote APGA!

The Members: (in unison) All Progressives Grand Alliance!

Frank Donga: (leans in and whispers) I lied that I’m taking them to presidential meeting.

Director: (whispers back to him) Are you mad? Which stupid pre…

Toyin interrupts them.

Toyin: Where is Odunlade and Ibu? I don’t have time, abeg.

A red Ferrari is spotted in the distance, speeding down.

Frank: Na them be dat?

Director: Finally! Someone has sense!

The Ferrari speeds right past them. They all watch it go. Right behind the Ferrari, a black maria pulls up and Odunlade jumps out of the vehicle.

Director: What is this nonsense that you brought?

Odunlade: They brought to arrest my father-in-law but I quickly say I should borrow it. Let’s do fast o.

Mr Ibu walks into the scene barefoot, eating an orange.

Director: Where is your own car, Ibu?

Mr Ibu: (sucks orange) E still dey for mechanic (chews pulp). I fit borrow your okada?

Director


The Shoot

The director hands the cast their walkie-talkies.

Director: This is how we will communicate. Now, ACTION!

The three vehicles speed off. Mr Ibu follows them on the Director’s okada. A drone follows them and the director watches the footage on his laptop.

Director: Ibu! Take your okada and slide under that container in your front.

Mr Ibu

Director: I say drive under that container!

Mr Ibu:

Director: (hisses) Frank, take Ibu’s place under the trailer.

Frank: So that I will die unnatural death?

Director: You’re acting Fast & Furious!

Frank: That’s why I should die another person’s death?

Director:

Director: Toyin, take your trailer and jump off the bridge inside the water.

Toyin: Because is boat I am driving?

A lady is walking on the street. Frank Donga parks his keke next to her.

Frank: Aunty. Ikeja bridge is N150. Hold your change o.

Lady: I’m not going.

The lady continues to walk.

Frank: Where are you now going?

Lady: Apongbon.

Frank: That’s where me too I’m going.

Director: (shouts into his walkie-talkie) CUT! Frank! What are you doing?

Frank Donga turns off his walkie-talkie.

APGA Member: (from behind Frank) Which Apongbon? Are you not taking us to presidential meeting?

Frank: No dey spit for my head. You people cannot even win election, I don’t know why you’re going up and down. (to the lady) This keke is my own, I can take you anywhere.

APGA Member: Our party keke?

Lady: Thank you, my boyfriend will soon be here.

Frank: Ehn ehn?

Lady: Ehn.

Frank:

Her boyfriend, a military man, walks up to them. He is holding a rifle.

Man: What are you talking to my girlfriend about?

Frank: The eternal Kingdom of Christ.


Odunlade is approaching railway tracks. There is a loud horn to signify that a train is approaching.

Odunlade stops his back maria.

Director: Odunlade! Go and stay in front of that train!

Odunlade:

Director: Odunlade, jump in front of the train now!

Odunlade:

Director: Ibu, you run in front of the train jare.

Mr Ibu

Frank: (speaks into his walkie talkie) Director?

Director: What?!

Frank: Agbero don remove my own tire o and soldier don collect my key.

Director: Collect it back. Tell them you’re filming.

Frank: So that they can collect my kidney join?


Odunlade stops a plantain chips vendor and starts to price the chips.

Director: Odunlade!

Odunlade: Wo, you will calm down ni o. Because I don’t know why your blood is hot for cassette film.

Director: Get back on the road and crash into a danfo. I want everywhere to explode.

Odunlade turns off his walkie-talkie and collects his plantain chips.

Director: Ibu? Where are you going?

Mr Ibu: Church.

Director: WHAT? For what?!

Mr Ibu: I want to sow seed with this okada.

Director: Whose okada? My okada?

Mr Ibu: You don’t want me to progress?


Some LASTMA officials stop Toyin Abraham’s bus and are screaming at her.

Lastma: Bring your papers now! Where are you going with this trailer?

Toyin: Calm down first. Let me get down.

Lastma: We will arrest you if you don’t shut up.

Toyin:

Lastma:

Director: Toyin! Do you know you’re on my set?

Toyin: If you say nonsense, you will collect.


Director: (screams) CUT! Everybody come back here, we need to talk!

The others turn but Toyin Abraham keeps driving.

Director: Toyin! Where are you going?!

Toyin: You put cotton wool in your ear when I told you that I am going to give them goat in Kano, abi? 

Director: Won’t we finish this film?

Toyin: I will come for part two.

Odunlade: (whispers into his walkie-talkie) Dire?

Director: What?!

Odunlade: They have started looking for the black maria and I’ve given them your address and Facebook picture.

Director:

Mr Ibu: I no use your okada sow seed again o, Director!

Director: (heaves a sigh of relief) Bring it back.

Mr Ibu: Armed robbers don collect am.

Frank: (shouts into the walkie-talkie) Hello! Director!

Director: WHAT?!

Frank: Someone should come and pick me for here o. I say soldier has collected my keke!

Odunlade: Dire? You know that your flying camera?

Director: My drone?

The Director rushes to his laptop.

Odunlade: LASTMA people have used stone to bring it down. 

Director:

Check back every Friday by 2pm for new stories in the Just Imagine series.

Join The Conversation

Bring a friend.

You'll like this

Watch

Now on Zikoko

May 25, 2022

Today’s #ZikokoWhatSheSaid subject is a 36-year-old Nigerian woman. She talks about her big-city dreams after moving from Owerri to Lagos, why she married her persistent lover from Facebook and the challenge of living with her in-laws before finding happiness.

Recommended Quizzes

November 12, 2019

Are you a single pringle, stuck in a complicated situationship or happily married to the love of your life? This quiz is here to guess your current relationship status, and as you know, Zikoko quizzes are incredibly accurate (don’t quote us). So, give a shot:

December 11, 2019

In the past month, we’ve made quizzes that guessed the last time you had sex, how many people you’ve slept with, and just how good you are in bed. For our latest attempt, we will use your taste in Nigerian music from the 2010s to ascertain what you’re like in bed. Take to find out:

February 26, 2020

Are you all set for marriage, or are you still figuring it out? Well, if you’re curious to know the answer, then this is the quiz for you. All you have to do is create your own ideal Nollywood wedding film, and we’ll tell you if you’re ready to say “I do”. Go ahead:

November 1, 2019

Twitter is buzzing right now, bringing a new conversation to the concept of cool vs not-so-cool, especially in relationships. If you’ve been thinking about how much of a red flag you are, why don’t you let this quiz help you decide once and for all?

April 3, 2020

While the rest of the world loves to treat our continent like a country, there are actually 54 African countries. So, in a bid to test your knowledge (and educate you), we’ve created a quiz to see how many of their capitals you can correctly name. Go ahead:

More from Just Imagine

August 6, 2021

Two days ago, I asked Nigerians to share what would happen if Nigeria hosted the Olympics and just as I expected, they did not disappoint. Not only did they understand the assignment, they spiral-binded the whole thing and submitted a day in advance. Taking a page from their assignment, I have decided to compile it […]

July 30, 2021

Like every other thing that comes from Nigeria, your international passport just wants to travel out, enjoy life and flex on the gram but you no get money. *insert clown emoji* So here is everything your international passport wants to say to you. It’s another frustrating day in Buhari’s country. Rain water has entered your […]

July 23, 2021

What’s not to love about ATMs? If you just ignore the long queues, bad network, and occasional swallowing of cards, ATMs are a lifesaver.  They do their jobs and let you go about your day. But what if you were stuck in a parallel universe where ATMs could speak? It’s 5 a.m. A young man […]

July 16, 2021

GPS technology is very simple. You input a location, and it gets you to where you need to be. Clear cut and No drama. Except when the GPS is voiced by your Nigerian mother. Heavy sigh. It’s morning and a guy, casually dressed, steps into his Mercedes Benz and turns on the ignition. As the […]

July 9, 2021

Nigerians parents would rather walk into a crocodile-infested river than spend two minutes in a room with a cat. You now bring a woman, who claims to be a cat, to meet your parents? Disaster.  On this episode of #JustImagine, Catwoman meets her Nigerian in-laws and things get very weird. There is a small crowd […]

July 2, 2021

When you take a closer look, Romeo and Juliet is a classic Nigerian story. Boy meets Girl. They fall in love. But their parents refuse to agree to a union due to irreconcilable differences. Sounds familiar? The only part of this story that doesn’t quite gel is the dying part. Nigerian men will say they’d […]

June 25, 2021

Nigerians in A Quiet Place? LMAO. They wouldn’t last two minutes.  For the people who haven’t seen the movie – A Quiet Place, the title is really all there is to it. It takes place in a post-apocalyptic world where sounds attract blood hungry monsters. So if you are doing anything and you make a […]

June 18, 2021

If I had a kobo for every time I heard the phrase, “Nigeria brings out the beast in people,” my Canada relocation funds would be complete, and I’d be shaking my ass on a yacht with Bill Gates. But all Nigeria gives is frustration. Now, imagine we had a superhero who turns into a beast […]

Watch

Trending Videos

Zikoko Originals

December 14, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
November 2, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
October 26, 2020
A collection of videos documenting some of the events of the EndSARS protests.
June 22, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
June 22, 2020
Hacked is an interesting new series by Zikoko made up of fictional but hilarious chat conversations.
June 4, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
June 2, 2020
Quickie is a video series where everyone featured gets only one minute to rant, review or do absolutely anything.
May 14, 2020
Isolation Diary is a Zikoko series that showcases what isolation is like for one young Nigerian working from home due to the Coronavirus pandemic.
March 12, 2020
Life is already hard. Deciding where to eat and get the best lifestyle experiences, isn't something you should stress about. Let VRSUS do that for you.

Z! Stacks

Here's a rabbit hole of stories to lose yourself in:

Zikoko amplifies African youth culture by curating and creating smart and joyful content for young Africans and the world.
X