Just Imagine is a Zikoko weekly series that takes fictional pop culture icons and reimagines them as chaotic Nigerians.
To drive in Nigeria, you must be insane. It is a standard requirement. So, in a way, we are living the real-life version of Fast & Furious. Except when it comes to jumping from buses to tankers. Who is helping you do that one?
So, on this episode of Just Imagine, I’ll be reimagining Fast & Furious as a Nigerian movie because if there’s one thing we know about Nigerians, it is that we don’t play with our lives.
24 Hours Before The Shoot.
The Director is sitting on a couch in his brightly-lit living room. He picks up his phone and dials a few numbers.
Director: Hello! Hope everybody can hear me?
The people over the phone respond.
Director: We will be shooting the car race scene tomorrow, so come with your cars because we don’t have car to give you.
There is some murmuring over the phone.
Director: I say come with your car!
The director ends the call.
24 Hours Before The Shoot.
Frank Donga drops a call. He is sitting in a tattoo artist’s chair while the artist stands next to him and lays out his instruments.
Frank: You see that this director is mad? Where will I see car now?
The tattoo artist continues his task, ignoring Frank Donga.
Frank: Abi, I can see your own car to borrow?
Tattoo Artist: I don’t have.
Frank: That one outside nko? That school bus. Is not your own?
The tattoo artist holds up an instrument and turns it on. The needle starts to spin. Frank Donga looks from the needle to the artist.
Frank: Is that what you will use for me?
Tattoo Artist: You said you want a big lion on your forehead, right?
Frank: I didn’t know that it is this drill you will use oh.
Tattoo Artist: Have you changed your mind?
Frank: (nods) Draw only the lion’s face. I don’t want body again.
The tattoo artist nods.
Frank: I don’t want it to have eyes, nose and mouth o.
Tattoo Artist: …
Tattoo Artist: So you want an empty circle on your forehead?
Frank: Help me do half.
The tattoo artist sighs and lifts his needle.
Tattoo Artist: Yes?
Frank: Don’t you have those sticker tattoo?
12 Hours Before The Shoot.
Toyin Abraham, dressed in shorts, a fake Lacoste shirt and slippers is walking around the Mercedes dealership. A young salesman walks behind her as she checks out the cars.
Toyin: (points at a car) How much?
Salesman: 60 million, ma.
Toyin: How much for staff discount?
Salesman: Ideally, there is a 2.5% discount, but you’re not staff.
Toyin looks around, leans in and presses ₦350 into his hands.
Toyin: (whispering) Hold this one first.
Salesman: (sighs) Security!
15 Minutes Before The Shoot.
The Director is standing on Third Mainland Bridge, frowning at Toyin Abraham who is chewing sugarcane.
Director: Why did you bring trailer that is carrying goats?
Toyin: (bites sugarcane) I’m taking it to Kano. I want to use one stone to kill two bir…
Frank Donga pulls up with an APGA (All Progressives Grand Alliance) keke napep. The director looks inside and sees 3 people dressed in the APGA t-shirt.
Director: Who are all these ones?
Frank Donga: (turns to them) Vote APGA!
The Members: (in unison) All Progressives Grand Alliance!
Frank Donga: (leans in and whispers) I lied that I’m taking them to presidential meeting.
Director: (whispers back to him) Are you mad? Which stupid pre…
Toyin interrupts them.
Toyin: Where is Odunlade and Ibu? I don’t have time, abeg.
A red Ferrari is spotted in the distance, speeding down.
Frank: Na them be dat?
Director: Finally! Someone has sense!
The Ferrari speeds right past them. They all watch it go. Right behind the Ferrari, a black maria pulls up and Odunlade jumps out of the vehicle.
Director: What is this nonsense that you brought?
Odunlade: They brought to arrest my father-in-law but I quickly say I should borrow it. Let’s do fast o.
Mr Ibu walks into the scene barefoot, eating an orange.
Director: Where is your own car, Ibu?
Mr Ibu: (sucks orange) E still dey for mechanic (chews pulp). I fit borrow your okada?
The director hands the cast their walkie-talkies.
Director: This is how we will communicate. Now, ACTION!
The three vehicles speed off. Mr Ibu follows them on the Director’s okada. A drone follows them and the director watches the footage on his laptop.
Director: Ibu! Take your okada and slide under that container in your front.
Director: I say drive under that container!
Director: (hisses) Frank, take Ibu’s place under the trailer.
Frank: So that I will die unnatural death?
Director: You’re acting Fast & Furious!
Frank: That’s why I should die another person’s death?
Director: Toyin, take your trailer and jump off the bridge inside the water.
Toyin: Because is boat I am driving?
A lady is walking on the street. Frank Donga parks his keke next to her.
Frank: Aunty. Ikeja bridge is N150. Hold your change o.
Lady: I’m not going.
The lady continues to walk.
Frank: Where are you now going?
Frank: That’s where me too I’m going.
Director: (shouts into his walkie-talkie) CUT! Frank! What are you doing?
Frank Donga turns off his walkie-talkie.
APGA Member: (from behind Frank) Which Apongbon? Are you not taking us to presidential meeting?
Frank: No dey spit for my head. You people cannot even win election, I don’t know why you’re going up and down. (to the lady) This keke is my own, I can take you anywhere.
APGA Member: Our party keke?
Lady: Thank you, my boyfriend will soon be here.
Frank: Ehn ehn?
Her boyfriend, a military man, walks up to them. He is holding a rifle.
Man: What are you talking to my girlfriend about?
Frank: The eternal Kingdom of Christ.
Odunlade is approaching railway tracks. There is a loud horn to signify that a train is approaching.
Odunlade stops his back maria.
Director: Odunlade! Go and stay in front of that train!
Director: Odunlade, jump in front of the train now!
Director: Ibu, you run in front of the train jare.
Frank: (speaks into his walkie talkie) Director?
Frank: Agbero don remove my own tire o and soldier don collect my key.
Director: Collect it back. Tell them you’re filming.
Frank: So that they can collect my kidney join?
Odunlade stops a plantain chips vendor and starts to price the chips.
Odunlade: Wo, you will calm down ni o. Because I don’t know why your blood is hot for cassette film.
Director: Get back on the road and crash into a danfo. I want everywhere to explode.
Odunlade turns off his walkie-talkie and collects his plantain chips.
Director: Ibu? Where are you going?
Mr Ibu: Church.
Director: WHAT? For what?!
Mr Ibu: I want to sow seed with this okada.
Director: Whose okada? My okada?
Mr Ibu: You don’t want me to progress?
Some LASTMA officials stop Toyin Abraham’s bus and are screaming at her.
Lastma: Bring your papers now! Where are you going with this trailer?
Toyin: Calm down first. Let me get down.
Lastma: We will arrest you if you don’t shut up.
Director: Toyin! Do you know you’re on my set?
Toyin: If you say nonsense, you will collect.
Director: (screams) CUT! Everybody come back here, we need to talk!
The others turn but Toyin Abraham keeps driving.
Director: Toyin! Where are you going?!
Toyin: You put cotton wool in your ear when I told you that I am going to give them goat in Kano, abi?
Director: Won’t we finish this film?
Toyin: I will come for part two.
Odunlade: (whispers into his walkie-talkie) Dire?
Odunlade: They have started looking for the black maria and I’ve given them your address and Facebook picture.
Mr Ibu: I no use your okada sow seed again o, Director!
Director: (heaves a sigh of relief) Bring it back.
Mr Ibu: Armed robbers don collect am.
Frank: (shouts into the walkie-talkie) Hello! Director!
Frank: Someone should come and pick me for here o. I say soldier has collected my keke!
Odunlade: Dire? You know that your flying camera?
Director: My drone?
The Director rushes to his laptop.
Odunlade: LASTMA people have used stone to bring it down.
Check back every Friday by 2pm for new stories in the Just Imagine series.