On Valentine’s weekend last year, Gbenga*, 31, spent about ₦300k on love.

He’d budgeted ₦200k for the festivities: two separate dinner dates, two bouquets of flowers and hand-written notes for each of his romantic partners. However, Lagos traffic and an unexpected cab ride to make it in time for one of the dates pushed him over budget. By the end of the weekend, he was spent, both physically and financially.

But he doesn’t regret it.

“People think polyamory is about eating your cake and having it with different people at the same time,” he says. “It actually involves planning. But I like it.”

In Nigeria, where monogamy is the default, and people treat marriage like the pinnacle of adulthood, polyamory sounds like a radical idea. Polyamory, which means to love more than one person at a time consensually, is often confused with cheating and sometimes dismissed as unserious.

For the people who practise it, though, the arrangement is structured and deeply communicative. It also comes with financial and emotional costs that need to be considered before taking the leap.

Here’s what the cost can look like for polyamorous Nigerians.

The Romance Budget Line

Let’s start with the obvious. 

Dating one person in Nigeria is already expensive. When you factor inflation, expectations, and the urge to show love with heartfelt (and sometimes monetary) gestures, the numbers start to rise. Now multiply that by one more person, or two, or three. 

“Transport might be my biggest expense,” says Leah*, a 27-year-old creative in Abuja who currently dates two people. “My partners both live in Abuja, but in far-flung locations from each other. I spend a fortune on fuel.”

For each relationship to work, the polyamorous person has to balance their time and attention with each person. Each relationship has its own personality, and you can’t replicate effort across the board. 

“One of my partners prefers to stay indoors, while the other likes outdoor activities,” Leah says. “Still, it’s important that I find ways to make sure my introverted partner doesn’t feel left out. It would sting if it appeared as though I’m constantly out partying with my second partner, and then coming home to sit down in silence with them. I also make an effort to curate indoor experiences they’d like, such as painting and gourmet cooking.”

This principle of fairness costs money, but for people who practice polyamory, it’s a cost they’re happy to make. “People will spend money on weddings and aso-ebi,” says Idris*, 35, who has been the hinge in a V-relationship for three years. “This is my own structure. I’m investing in relationships that matter to me.” 

This investment translates into a monthly romance budget of ₦285k (about 24% of Idris’ ₦1.2m monthly income). “In monogamy, you’re balancing just one person’s expectations,” he says. “That’s not the case for me. I need to make everyone feel special.”

The Emotional Work Is Real, Too

Polyamory requires an inordinate amount of communication. You don’t get to assume or sulk in silence, hoping someone reads your mind. When jealousy shows up (and it does), you have to name it.

The first time one of Leah’s partners went on a weekend getaway with someone else, she spiralled. “My chest was tight,” she says. “But instead of pretending I was above it, we talked. I’ve become emotionally literate by force. Before, I would avoid hard conversations. Now I can’t. That’s one reason why I prefer poly relationships. There’s so much intentionality. You have to know what you’re doing and why.”

Feelings still get complicated, though. 

Polyamorous persons might connect differently with different people. One person might feel like a safe space, while another might provide passion or intellectual chemistry.

What happens when one connection deepens faster than the others?

“Hierarchy can sneak in,” Idris says. “Even if you say you’re non-hierarchical.” There’s also the risk of one partner deciding they don’t actually want to share.

“I’ve lost someone I really loved because she realised she wanted exclusivity,” Gbenga says. “But I couldn’t truthfully be monogamous, so I had to let her go.”

Long-term questions also come up. Since polyamory isn’t the cultural default, there’s no widely accepted script for what commitment looks like. What does “settling down” mean when you’re plural? Who moves in and meets the parents? 

For Nigerians living in Nigeria, there are no ready-made answers to these questions.

So, Is It Worth It?

Despite the cost, none of the people in this story sounds trapped or describes polyamory as reckless. If anything, they sound intentional and deliberate about their relationships.

“It’s a lot,” Leah says. “But in a good way.”

This year, Gbenga estimates his Valentine’s Day expenses will be at least 50% more than his ₦300k spend last year (he now dates three partners). However, for him, the cost is part of the clarity.

“I’ve learned more about communicating and becoming a better version of myself in four years of polyamory than in my entire dating life prior,” he says. “Even if I go back to monogamy, I’m not going back the same.”

*Names have been changed for anonymity reasons.