The topic of how young Nigerians navigate romantic relationships with their earnings is a minefield of hot takes. In Love Currency, we get into what relationships across income brackets look like in different cities.
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How long have you been with your partner?
Three years and some months. We started dating towards the end of 2021.
How did you meet?
We met in 2020 on WhatsApp. We were both 200-level students of the same university and members of a school WhatsApp group. The group was mostly for fun and cruise.
One day, someone sent my picture to the group. I got angry and asked the person to take it down. Yinka messaged me privately, asking me not to be angry about the picture since it was just for jokes.
After that incident, we kept talking and realised we lived in the same neighbourhood. That’s how we became friends. He’d come to my hostel at night and we’d gist with my roommate. I was in a relationship then, so we were just friends for a while.
However, my boyfriend didn’t have my time. We often had issues, and I’m quite emotional, so I was always crying. Yinka was there, supporting me emotionally and even financially. I eventually left the other guy, and Yinka and I started dating.
You mentioned Yinka supported you financially?
Yes. We were both students without major sources of income, but Yinka often supported me with ₦1k here or ₦2k there. He did that because he was aware of some issues I had with my sister, whom I depended on for pocket money.
I wanted to try network marketing to sell goods and make money, but my sister preferred that I help out in her shop. We disagreed, so she stopped giving me money, and Yinka stepped up. His only source of income was the ₦10k – ₦20k monthly allowance from his parents, but he helped with random cash and food items. I also did a two-month stint at a hair salon during this time.
Six months into our relationship, my roommate moved, and I couldn’t afford rent on my own — I was still having issues with my sister — so I moved in with Yinka.
What was that like?
It was really nice. Initially, Yinka handled almost all the expenses. He gave me money when we needed to cook, and sometimes transport fare to school. But my mum later found out about the issue with my sister, and she started sending me the occasional ₦2k to manage. So, I was able to contribute to the expenses as well.
Yinka and I were very transparent with money. Whenever either of our parents sent us money, we spent it together. We didn’t have major issues in the two years we lived together. I might not have left at all if he hadn’t cheated.
He cheated?
Yeah, but I know why he did. We haven’t had actual sex since we started dating. I have undiagnosed vaginismus. Undiagnosed because I don’t have the money to go to a proper doctor, but my symptoms point to that condition.
I found out in 100 level when I was making out with a guy, and penetration became impossible. The guy even said, “Are you sure you have a vagina?” It was funny because I see my period and everything. I don’t just know why that happened. Since then, I have tried several times. My ex even dedicated a whole day to trying, but it didn’t work. Instead, I went home with body pains.
I’m sorry you had to go through that
Thanks. I told Yinka about my condition before we started dating, and he told me that he would try to wait until I could. So, when I saw the chats between him and another student, it broke me. We talked about it, and he stopped. I considered that he wasn’t really the type to do something like that, so I forgave him.
A few months later, I saw another set of flirty chats between him and a church member, and I just got tired. I kept thinking of how I’d get my own place so we wouldn’t date again. I even started flirting with someone else online, and Yinka saw the chats. I was just ready to leave.
I gathered money from my mum and some money gifts I received on my birthday, rented a ₦40k/year room and moved out. This was in 2023, and I was in my final year. About a month later, Yinka came and said we should forget everything and start afresh.
What was your response?
I agreed. Honestly, Yinka is a good person to me, and I consider him my best friend. I think having someone else is normal for guys, so I can cope. In fact, I told him last month that he’s free to satisfy his needs outside.
You did?
Yes. Yinka always wants us to try to see if sex will work, and it’s a major inconvenience for me. We’ve tried lubricant and everything. I don’t want him to feel like I’m denying him.
So, I told him he can have sex with other people, but don’t let me find out. However, he said doing it outside would be expensive since he’d spend money, and he’d rather wait. So, that’s where we are now. Also, we moved back in together a few months ago.
Oh. Why?
I graduated late last year and thought I’d have been called for NYSC by now, so I only paid six months’ rent. Unfortunately, NYSC hasn’t worked out yet, so I’m living with Yinka while I wait.
In the meantime, I got a job as a shop assistant, earning ₦40k/month. I also design on Canva and occasionally get design gigs, but those don’t come regularly.
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Do you and Yinka share living expenses like before?
I’ve been handling the expenses this time. Yinka is almost perfect, but his small flaw is being laid back. He’s so focused on getting freelance design gigs that pay in dollars that he doesn’t want to do any salary work. When he doesn’t get gigs, he prefers to sleep at home.
I feel like it’s not realistic to rely on gigs that come once in a few months. I’m not complaining about handling the bills; it’s the least I can do considering all he’s done for me. But I’m worried he’s not thinking about the future. I don’t mind cleaning for money if necessary, but Yinka selects what he wants to do. His parents were ready to give him money to learn a skill he showed interest in a few months ago, but he just stopped talking about it.
I don’t like how Yinka isn’t making efforts for his future. He had an extra year, so he’ll be graduating this year. I’ve asked him, “What if freelancing doesn’t work?” He said he doesn’t know, but he might start a business. Where will the capital for the business come from? He said he’d figure it out when he got there.
Hmmm
It’s a major concern for me because of my family background. My mum was a “married single mother”. My dad wasn’t there financially, and she single-handedly raised the children. My sister’s husband also doesn’t have a particular job he’s doing. I don’t want that for myself.
I’m always talking to Yinka about my concerns and why he needs to be intentional about the future. But it’s always like I’m talking to myself. I can talk for two hours, and he’ll stay silent throughout. When I finish talking, he’ll just say, “I’ve heard” and continue what he’s doing. I’ve decided I won’t say anything again.
I can’t even talk to anyone about these concerns because it’d be like I’m painting him badly. Our friends know we’ve been together for a long time and expect we’ll get married. So, I’ll be like the bad person if I complain about his only flaw.
But do you see yourselves getting married?
I’m confused. I see a future with Yinka, but that financial aspect is crucial for me. He’s supposed to be the leader, and I can support him. I don’t mind supporting even if he’s broke to minus zero. I just want to see him step up. Even if the job pays ₦10k, do it. I’ve done several odd jobs for money, and I want someone who can complement me in that area; someone with an even higher drive to get things working. I don’t see that in Yinka, at least not so far.
Hmmm. How do you both keep the romance alive in your relationship?
This will sound ridiculous, but we’ve never gone on a date. Our journey has mostly been struggling to feed and graduate. I love romantic stuff, but there’s no space for it now. I’m even trying to save for when NYSC finally calls me. There’s no room for extra expenses.
How’s that safety net looking?
It’s nothing much. I just try to save at least ₦1k monthly in a savings app. I also met someone online a few months ago, and he’s been very supportive financially. He sends me random money and internet data. During my convocation, he sent me ₦20k. I know he’ll turn up when it’s time for NYSC.
There’s nothing romantic going on, but I know he probably wants that. He’s separated from his wife and doesn’t know I have a boyfriend. I know it sounds like cheating even though nothing is going on, but omo, anything to survive. I’m sorry, but I need all the financial help I can get.
What does the future look like for you and Yinka?
Honestly, it’s not very bright. It doesn’t look like he’ll change, so I may leave him after I go for service. I can’t keep advising a 25-year-old if he doesn’t want to be intentional. Deciding to end things will be heartbreaking, but I’ll have to do it.
Interested in talking about how money moves in your relationship? If yes, click here.
*Names have been changed for the sake of anonymity.
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