The topic of how young Nigerians navigate romantic relationships with their earnings is a minefield of hot takes. In Love Currency, we get into what relationships across income brackets look like in different cities.
Interested in talking about how money moves in your relationship? If yes, click here.
How long have you been with your partner?
Alfred and I have been together for about a year and eight months.
How did you meet?
We met through a mutual friend in 2024. I’d seen Alfred a few times at social events, but we didn’t speak until our friend’s birthday party. We ended up sitting next to each other and had fun gisting. I was surprised to find that he was funny because he always looked serious.
We exchanged numbers that night. He called the next day and told me he liked me and wanted us to date. He was very intentional about showing me his feelings, which was another surprise because I’d never met a romantic Benin man before. They don’t have time for lovey-dovey things.
But Alfred would text me every morning and still call me after work. I remember thinking, “This guy is actually not bad.” I mean, for someone you’re not dating to be that caring, he must be nice.
What made you eventually say yes?
His intentionality, plus the fact that he was a responsible man. He had a good job as an engineer and seemed like a sensible man with a plan. He was also quite generous. He took me to nice eateries almost every weekend and generally cared for me. What else did I need in a man? Of course, I agreed to date him.
Our relationship went smoothly for the first three months, until I found out he had a child.
Oh. How did you find out?
I was at his house one weekend, when I noticed a child’s school bag and some little boy’s clothes around the place. That was my third time at his house, but the first time I saw those items. The other two times, it had just been Alfred’s properties in the house. This was around the mid-term break or the normal school holiday period, so I assumed the clothes belonged to his nephew or something.
While I was still thinking about how to ask him, a little boy came into the room and called him Daddy. I was so confused.
What did Alfred say?
He was just like, “I wanted to tell you, but I didn’t know how.”
Then he started explaining how the lady he had planned to marry six years earlier died while giving birth to their son. Apparently, the child lived with his mother and only visited him during the holidays, which was why I didn’t know he was a dad. In summary, that was how I found out he had a six-year-old son.
How did you react?
I was shocked and angry because I felt three months was a long time to go without telling me something like that. We fought, and I refused to pick up his calls for two days. I even fought with our mutual friend for hiding it too, but he claimed he assumed Alfred would.
Eventually, Alfred and I settled. The reason he gave for hiding it was that he didn’t think it was a big deal since the mother wasn’t in the picture, and it slipped his mind. Imagine that. How can you forget something like that? Later, he said he just wanted to make sure our relationship was strong before telling me.
I forgave him sha. I already really liked him at that point, and thankfully, it wasn’t like he had a baby mama.
Safe to say you didn’t have reservations about dating a single father?
Not really. I knew his child would always be important to him, which is normal. It would even be a red flag if he denied the child or abandoned him somewhere.
It only became a problem when I noticed how much of his money went towards his son.
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When did you start noticing that?
Around a year into the relationship. At first, I didn’t pay attention to how often he was sending money to his mum for his son because I thought it was the expected thing to do. Of course, he should spend money on his child.
But then I started noticing that whenever there was a financial conflict between something for his son and something for us, his son always came first.
Can you give me an example?
For our first anniversary, he promised we’d go on a staycation at a resort. I’d planned everything and even made my clothes for the trip. I was really looking forward to it. A week before the trip, he told me we had to cancel because his son needed a laptop for school.
First of all, I’ve never heard that a primary school pupil needs a laptop for school. Secondly, I was bothered by how quickly he cancelled our plans. He didn’t even have a conversation with me about whether we could find another way to pay for it or postpone the purchase. He also didn’t entertain my questions about why he needed a laptop. It was simply, “My son needs this, so the trip has to go.”
And that wasn’t the only time he did that. His mum told him the boy wanted a PlayStation for his birthday, and Alfred bought it. I remember because around the same period, I had been complaining about my phone. It was old and constantly giving me problems.
I never expected Alfred to buy me a phone, but I remember thinking, “You can spend over ₦500k on a PlayStation for a boy I’m not sure can even play well, but we keep postponing things we want to do together because they’re too expensive?”
Hmmm
I feel like he spends more money on his son and prioritises his needs over mine. To be clear, I’m not angry that he’s taking care of his son; it’s how he makes me feel like a second-class citizen. Most of the time, he does whatever the boy wants, and it somehow becomes my relationship’s financial problem.
There was another time when I wanted us to go somewhere nice for my birthday. He cancelled because school fees were coming up. Not long after, he bought the boy a pair of school shoes for ₦50k. I was honestly hurt, but I couldn’t tell him because it’d be like I was dictating what he should or shouldn’t do for his son.
Do you both have conversations about money?
Not really in the way we should. We talk about money when there’s a specific expense, but we don’t have regular conversations about our finances or what we can build together.
I think that’s part of the problem. I know what his duties to his son are, but I don’t really know how he plans around them. We also don’t talk about our income. He spends without communicating with me or asking my opinion on matters. It’s only when I ask him for money that I’ll hear things like, “I don’t have. I just sent ₦50k to Iye for my son,” or “I’m gathering ₦100k to pay for something for my son.”
That’s even how I get to find out how much he spends on his son. I’ve mentioned a few times that we should talk about money more, but nothing has changed. It doesn’t feel like we’re in a partnership, which is concerning because we’ve passed the stage of boyfriend-girlfriend. We’re now thinking of settling down. I shouldn’t still be thinking twice about talking about money with someone I hope to marry.
What do relationship expenses, like dates and gifts, look like for you both right now?
Alfred pays for most of our dates. He’s also the one who usually suggests going somewhere, so I don’t have a problem with that. I also buy things for him, especially on birthdays and on random gifts.
Do you contribute financially to his son in any way?
No. And I don’t think I should at this stage. I’m not his mother, and we’re not married yet. I sometimes buy him snacks and toys, but that’s it.
You’ve mentioned marriage a few times. Are wedding plans in motion?
Alfred is very clear that he wants to marry me. We’ve talked about it, but there’s no date yet. I think that’s why the money issue has started bothering me more.
It was easy to overlook how much he spent on his son when we started dating, but if we get married, it will affect me, too. I feel like I’m constantly competing with his son for money, and I don’t like that. Again, I know his son should be a priority. But I also want us to have our own financial goals, like travelling, investing, or maybe starting a business. I don’t want every plan we make to be pushed to the side because there’s always another expense related to his son.
What’s the ideal financial future you’d like for you and Alfred?
I just want to feel like we’re building something together. We need to have a proper joint plan for our future. I’m not seeing that right now.
Interested in talking about how money moves in your relationship? If yes, click here.
*Names have been changed for the sake of anonymity.
