The Zikoko Guide to Finding a Nigerian Sugar Mummy

January 20, 2022

My fellow kings, if there’s one thing you should focus on this year, it’s securing the bag. Who cares about emotional growth when you can do dorime every Friday? Just because you’re not in tech claiming donkey abi unicorn status, doesn’t mean you don’t deserve good things. To help you unlock the fresh baby boy life, we’ve compiled a guide on how to land sugar mummies #watimagbo✊🏾. 

1. Use all your money to sew trad

You want to land a premium sugar mummy and you’re out here wearing skinny jeans and all these alté baffs? We can see you’re not focused in life. To get the part, you have to look the part. Wearing trad all the time makes you look responsible. Your sugar mummy can be seen in public with you and still introduce you as her business partner or assistant. It makes life easier. Why do you think all the men in Abuja are wearing trad? 

2. Grow a beard 

My fellow king, being a fine boy is important, but what does it profit a man to pack all the fineness in the world and still end up beardless? We all know beards are to men what bone straights are to women. If your beard has been struggling to connect since the last elections, I’ll strongly advise you to walk away now because this sugar baby thing is not in your destiny at all. 

3. Find rich friends and start fornicating with their mums 

Do you see that guy in the club that’s always doing dorime? Yes, the one from a wealthy family. It’s time to kiss his bumbum with vim until he becomes your friend. Convince him to invite you into his home, and when no one notices, cut eye for his mother. Take risk and succeed.  

4. Switch to your native name

Our research has shown that sugar mummies respond more to Nigerian names. Sorry for you if you’re still doing “Daniel” or “Jerome” because Mrs. A is looking for an “Adekunle” or “Ndifreke”. Have you met a sugar baby with a colonizer name before? We’re glad you know this too.  

5. Invest in a babalawo

Nollywood wasn’t lying; jazz is real. It’s time for you to copy one of those numbers you see on the road offering love potions. Meet up with baba, tie red satin around your waist, drop boiled yam and palm oil at your junction by midnight, collect the love potion and trap your sugar mummy’s destiny in a groundnut bottle. Before you know it, you’ll have moved into a flat in Ikoyi. 

6. Pray, fast or manifest

This is for those of you too scared to step into the dark side of juju. If you want to pick the longer route, you can fast and pray to sky daddy to send a sugar mummy your way. Keep in mind that Abraham and Sarah did not receive their package until they were 100 years old and 90 years old respectively. If you’re into star signs and Mercury in Guinea brocade, you can light scented candles and start manifesting. Good luck to all of you. 

7. Become a gym rat 

Do you see that six-pack you’ve been avoiding? You must have it o. All that eating hot semo by midnight like a witch has to end today. Register in the nearest gym and spend at least four hours running up and down like your village people are chasing you. Lift the heaviest weight you can find and be motivated by all the credit alerts your future sugar mummy will bombard you with. Sha note that the goal is to look like Mawuli Gavor, not The Rock. No go dey do pass yourself. 

8. Stop chasing small small girls around town 

If there’s one thing we’ve learnt from Nollywood films, it’s that sugar mummies hate it when they have to share their property. You can’t be chasing an oil rig and still have time for kerosine. If you’re currently in a relationship, end it now (it will even save you Valentine money that you don’t have). Before you know it now, your sugar mummy will start talking about how she picked you from the gutter and made you who you are today. To avoid insults, put all your eggs in sugar mummy’s basket. 

9. Drown yourself in oud

Before you enter an estate, they need to smell you from the gate. You’re putting the perfume on your neck and wrists only? You must be a novice. Fix up asap. 

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