Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.
The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 23-year-old who genuinely enjoys sex. She’s gone from exploring sex with multiple partners to being in a committed relationship, to deciding to never have sex again after two pregnancy scares.
When did you have sex for the first time?
It depends on how you define sex. If it’s heteronomative — penis and vagina — then 2018. If you define it as any kind of sexual activity, then much longer.
Are you heterosexual?
Yes. I am, but I don’t believe the definition of sex should be limited to what happens in heterosexual relationships.
Okay. So tell me about the first time you were involved in any kind of sexual activity.
It was with this person I was kind of seeing at the end of my first year in uni; we used to hang out a lot. I did the whole “What are we doing?” thing even though I wasn’t actually looking for a relationship. I just wanted to know what was happening — are we friends or more? It was weird afterward and we stopped talking. He was sha the first person I kissed and all.
After that, I started dating someone. This was when I really explored — kissing, making out, everything except vaginal and anal sex. We made out everywhere.
Once in 2015, a security guard caught us making out in a different department that wasn’t ours. When I think about it, I’m just like, what was I thinking? I certainly was not thinking about my future. It went on till 2015.
What were some weird places —
— In his house. His family was at home and we were in his bedroom, making out. Think of all the different sexual positions you can do without actually having sex.
What made you go all out in University?
When I was much younger, like 12 — that whole phase when you’re dry humping everybody — I didn’t have any interest in boys. It was in my first year in uni I became curious — everyone is talking about sex, so what is it like?
If there’s a word for having a hoe phase without having penetrative intercourse, then that’s the word to describe my life in university.
How many people did you see in this time?
A LOT. I can’t count.
Did you ever slow down?
I had a dry spell when I broke up with my first boyfriend. There was nobody I was interested in enough to make out with during this period; I mean it was a difficult time and I was heartbroken but that wasn’t really why. I need to feel comfortable with people before I can make out with them. I wasn’t going to meet a random person; I’m not trying to catch a disease or get raped.
And then there’s the fact that I tend to have high inhibition levels, but when I’m in the zone, I’m in the zone. I’m always thinking about getting pregnant, so I’m generally averse to intercourse. But everything else: hell yeah.
The dry spell eventually ended and I continued hoeing away.
Were there any attempts from your partners to get you to have sex?
Not really. I met an older guy in the middle of 2016. We used to hang out a lot and soon, we started making out. One day, I went to his house. We were making out and everything and then he pulled out a condom and I told him I had never done that and I was not willing to start now. So he put the condom away and he never tried it again. We didn’t stop making out.
Cute. But did you really feel satisfied from just making out?
Yup. First of all, I don’t believe you need to have penetrative sex to orgasm. I don’t feel you have to orgasm all the time too. Yes, orgasms are super important, but there’s also pleasure in the doing.
Secondly, I don’t think I’ve ever had bad sexual partners. Everyone I’ve had a thing with is invested in my enjoyment. They all have sense and care about me getting my orgasms and expressing pleasure. So I’ve never been in that situation where it’s the worst thing ever… Oh wait.
I was going to ask you to teach us your ways; don’t tell me you just remembered a terrible experience.
Hahaha. I did. It was horrible. End of 2016 was my biggest hoe phase and this is when it happened. I travelled to the outskirts of Lagos to see this guy I’d met online and he was like he doesn’t give head. And I was like, that’s not my problem, but that’s the only thing I can offer you.
When he eventually did give me head. Sweet baby Jesus. It felt like my clitoris was being chewed on. It was actually being chewed on. The worst head I’ve ever had in my life. It’s a memory I try to erase. It’s like the worst memory ever.
As if that’s not enough, he also said he doesn’t come from head, but I gave him head and he wanted to come in my mouth. You men don’t take care of yourself and will be eating nonsense, and you want to come in somebody’s daughter’s mouth? God forbid.
In my younger foolish years, I was always letting them come in my mouth. Not anymore please.
Did he come in your mouth though?
I said, God forbid. Haha.
Let’s talk about your first penetrative sex.
It was with the older guy and I initiated it. I was celebrating something, so we hung out and were making out and in the middle of it, I was like, do you have a condom? He paused and he asked, “Did I hear you well? Are you sure?” It was a very hilarious reaction.
So how was it? Deets pls.
It was great. When I got to work the next day, someone told me I was glowing. I used to think this glowing after sex thing was Mills and Boons nonsense thing. But I was actually glowing. We kept on having sex for a while, until I met my boyfriend.
You went from hoe life to bae life. Inside life.
Haha. Technically, it didn’t happen like that. It was through hoeing I met my current boyfriend. I pretty much invited myself to his house. We had sex a couple of times, hung out a couple of times and then we started dating. I called my other hoes, and was like yeah, this is over. Thank you for all your services.
Wait. How did you go from having sex with someone to dating him? Doesn’t sound like you stuck to the script.
Haha. See, the first time I saw him, I was like, “Yup. I am going to have sex with you”. I didn’t even think of dating him at the time and me, I don’t like to waste time. It’s like, what are we doing? Do we want to be friends? Do we want to have sex?
Is relationship sex different from no-strings-attached sex.
For me, yes. It’s more interesting. I’m comfortable. I can experiment. And he’s so good, because when I orgasm, I vibrate like a small generator. No kidding. But that’s all over now. We’re celibate now.
After two pregnancy scares, I said I’m not doing again. I mean, we sometimes forget that we are supposed to be celibate. But 95 percent of the time, we’re not having sex or doing any sexual activity.
How did this happen?
It was just me being paranoid because my period was late. What if the condom had broken and we didn’t know? A ton of what ifs. I actually went to the hospital and did a pregnancy test even though I had bought pregnancy strips, done the tests and seen I was not pregnant. I was like, is this even accurate? So I had to go to the hospital.
Then I had a second pregnancy scare. This time, I decided to forget my no sex without condom rule and had sex without a condom. He pulled out a second late. We were not sure if he had come in me a little.
Did you use a morning after pill?
I did, but there’s all that stuff about people getting pregnant even after using it, about it not working etc. And nothing is 100% certain. So I was like I’m not doing again. I’m not sure I want to risk my life again.
How did he take it?
It was easy to compromise on it. It’s super important to date someone who looks out for you and wants the best for you. Also we both don’t want that risk.
Let’s assume you had actually been pregnant both times, what would you have done?
Can’t even think about it because I’m not having babies ever, forget the baby agenda. I’m pro choice, but I’m not sure I have the mind to go through it because I’ll be thinking about bleeding out to death lol. I’d rather not be in that situation. Until I can get a hysterectomy or he can get a vasectomy, I dont see sex happening.
How do you avoid temptation?
We don’t make out, because it almost always leads to sex. So when I know it’s a very horny period for me or for him, we just cuddle and go to bed. I’m very aware of when we might go beyond making out.
In my first relationship, I felt we were doing a lot of sexual stuff all the time and not talking a lot or spending time together. But now I’m very conscious of it and it doesn’t feel like anything is missing. The feeling of sex is great — sex is great, but it’s overrated. Sometimes, I’m even kind of relieved that we are not having sex because I know we can just be together.
What’s something annoying or hilarious that happens to you during sex?
Vagina farts. Haha. They make me laugh all the time. Anotther annoying thing is running out of condoms so you have to stop having sex even when you’re still in tthe mood. But it’s not really an issue anymore because I’m not sexually active. After a pregnancy scare you start thinking straight.
What would you like to try?
I have never made out or had sex with a woman. Sometimes it crosses my mind — what would it be like to kiss that girl, or eat her out? Maybe if Rihanna comes to me, I’d try. Never having anal sex sha.
How would you rate your sex life?
Not having sex kind of lets you focus on other aspects of your relationship. Sex takes time. Time that you can use to plan your life. Like we can be making out when we get to his and before you know it, four hours have passed. So I’m perfectly fine right now.
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