How To Be A Nigerian Landlord

May 11, 2016

1. Build a house big enough so you can torture more than one tenant at once.

Face-me-I-face you is great for maximum evil.

2. And build the house wherever, even if it means the house will be under water when it rains.

It’s just water.

3. Look for cheap building materials, you’re not living in the house.

The house is the tenants’ problem now.

4. Only do the barest minimum to make the house livable.

I’ve sha put toilet and kitchen..even if they’re right beside each other.

5. Make sure the block of flats you build has absolutely no parking space.

Why do they even have cars?

6. Just so that people will not abuse you, put light and water in the house.

Small geepee tank though, and the cheapest PHCN phase.

7. Put the house on the market for twice its proper value.

And lie a lot!

8. Then ask for two years in advance plus damages.

Oga, if you want the house, come and rent.

9. When they negotiate and beg you, be ‘merciful’ and reduce the price a little.

Or be a mad man and rent it to someone else.

10. When they ask you about the house and the area, be as vague as possible or just outrightly lie.

Safe – you won’t die Near the main road – you’ll walk for 10 minutes You’ll get bus to anywhere – No you will not

11. When they move in to the house, wish them success and good luck.

God knows they’ll need it.

12. Be excited when you see them fixing up the house. Higher rent, baby!

Fix it!

13. If they come to complain to you about inheriting the former tenant’s bills.

What’s my own?

14. When they’re fighting with their neighbours, see but don’t talk.

Hian!

15. When something spoils in the house and they come to you.

Do I live there?

16. After a year has passed, increase the rent without notice.

Come and beat me.

17. When they finally decide to move out, increase the price again and put it on the market.

Repeat from step 6.

Join The Conversation

Bring a friend.

You'll like this

Watch

Now on Zikoko

Recommended Quizzes

November 28, 2019

There are so many talented and stunning Nollywood actors that make it hard not to fall in love with them. So, while we all know the likelihood of us ending up with any of them is super low, it’s still fun to imagine a world where we actually stood a chance, and that’s why this […]

January 2, 2020

Do you have even a single romantic bone in your body? Well, if you’re not sure about just how sweet and thoughtful you can be to someone you love, that’s what this quiz is here to answer. 11 Quizzes For Nigerians Who Are Ready To Marry  Are you ready to marry? Take these quizzes.

April 14, 2020

Every friend group consists of very different and specific characters — from the parent to the fun one — and it can be a little tough figuring out where you fall. So, we’ve created a quiz that lets you know exactly what kind of friend you are. Take to find out:

November 22, 2019

It can be very stressful when you’re trying to find the love of your life, but you only keep meeting people that are exactly like your yeye ex. To help you be more aware of that problem, we’ve created a quiz that lets you know the kind of people you are attracting. Take it to […]

More from Oldies

May 27, 2021

Children’s day, a day set apart for kids. Like they don’t win at life already? You’re not paying bills or rent and you have a day to celebrate yourself? Get me their manager, please. On days like this, we can’t help but remember how good we used to have it so we wrote this article […]

February 12, 2020

Forget Tunji and Daniella, if you’re wondering who your best friend is, it’s most definitely the phone you’re either reading this from or the phone that’s somewhere within your vision; we know this because you’re definitely a phone addict that gets a little impatient when you’re too far away from your phone. Okay, let’s not […]

February 8, 2020

Yes, Valentine’s Day is almost here. Love notes, chocolates, hampers, and everything that comes with it. But while everyone is being hit by cupid’s arrow, there are some people who don’t even feel the hype. If you’re one of them, then grab a seat at this table. 1. You, when you hear that Valentine is […]

Watch

Trending Videos

Zikoko Originals

December 14, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
November 2, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
October 26, 2020
A collection of videos documenting some of the events of the EndSARS protests.
June 22, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
June 22, 2020
Hacked is an interesting new series by Zikoko made up of fictional but hilarious chat conversations.
June 4, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
June 2, 2020
Quickie is a video series where everyone featured gets only one minute to rant, review or do absolutely anything.
May 14, 2020
Isolation Diary is a Zikoko series that showcases what isolation is like for one young Nigerian working from home due to the Coronavirus pandemic.
March 12, 2020
Life is already hard. Deciding where to eat and get the best lifestyle experiences, isn't something you should stress about. Let VRSUS do that for you.

Z! Stacks

Here's a rabbit hole of stories to lose yourself in:

Zikoko amplifies African youth culture by curating and creating smart and joyful content for young Africans and the world.
X