For Nigerian Adults Who Are Still Too Shy To Buy Condoms

October 16, 2019

While some Nigerians have been able to successfully free themselves of the ingrained idea that sex is bad, there are a lot of us that still find anything regarding that topic immensely stressful, especially when it comes time to buy condoms — a blatant indication that you are, in fact, having sex.

If you belong to the latter category, this article is for you.

You instantly reject any assistance

It doesn’t matter if you’re having the hardest time spotting the condoms in the pharmacy you just snuck into, the moment someone offers you any kind of assistance, you start aggressively shaking your head. It’s not from your mouth that they are going to hear: “I’m looking for condoms”.

You buy other things you don’t need

Once you finally do find the condoms, you start looking for other inconsequential things to buy, so you can mask your main reason for coming: fornication prep. This is when the most senseless purchases – like a new lip balm or an inhaler when you’re not even asthmatic  – tend to happen.

You wait for every adult at the counter to leave

Before heading to the counter, you check to make sure no judgmental-looking adult is there buying their arthritis medication. You know all Nigerian adults are basically in the same Whatsapp group, and you can’t risk meeting one that could potentially snitch to your folks, who still think you’re a virgin at 28.

You aggressively avoid eye contact

When you finally reach the counter, you begin to avoid eye contact like a thief. You look at everything else but the person in front of you, hoping that they will just sell you the condoms and allow you to go in peace. This is really not the time to be asking if someone wants to check their blood pressure, abeg.

You make sure the bag isn’t even remotely transparent

After collecting your bag of condoms and useless add-ons you’ll probably throw away before you even get home, what next? Well, you spend the next couple of seconds trying to ensure that the bag isn’t even a little bit see-through. Can’t have your neighbour, Mama Nkechi knowing your business.

You avoid buying from the same place too much

Now that you’ve gotten your condoms and, in your overactive imagination, being tagged a sinner by every single person in that pharmacy, you know you can never return. It’s time to find another place to go embarrass yourself, and you’re going to keep doing that until you have to start travelling for it.

NerdEfiko

Join The Conversation

Bring a friend.

You'll like this

Watch

Now on Zikoko

Recommended Quizzes

November 14, 2019

The fourth season of Big Brother Naija came to an end over a month ago, but the conversation surrounding the housemates is far from over. So, in a bid to keep the fire burning, we decided to create a quiz that tells you which famous member of the ‘Pepper Dem’ gang is your soulmate. Take […]

June 14, 2020

Have you ever been with someone so horrible that you swore to never date again? Yes? Well, do you know that one or more of your exes probably feels the same way about you? You never thought about that, huh? Thankfully, this quiz is here to let you know just how much of a hassle […]

October 29, 2019

We are going to be attempting to guess when you’ll marry based on your favourite Nigerian foods. What does your fave swallow have to do with when you’ll tie the knot? Please, don’t ask complicated questions. This quiz is rigorous and accurate (don’t quote us), so just take it already. QUIZ: Why Do You Have […]

November 1, 2019

Twitter is buzzing right now, bringing a new conversation to the concept of cool vs not-so-cool, especially in relationships. If you’ve been thinking about how much of a red flag you are, why don’t you let this quiz help you decide once and for all?

More from Oldies

May 27, 2021

Children’s day, a day set apart for kids. Like they don’t win at life already? You’re not paying bills or rent and you have a day to celebrate yourself? Get me their manager, please. On days like this, we can’t help but remember how good we used to have it so we wrote this article […]

February 12, 2020

Forget Tunji and Daniella, if you’re wondering who your best friend is, it’s most definitely the phone you’re either reading this from or the phone that’s somewhere within your vision; we know this because you’re definitely a phone addict that gets a little impatient when you’re too far away from your phone. Okay, let’s not […]

February 8, 2020

Yes, Valentine’s Day is almost here. Love notes, chocolates, hampers, and everything that comes with it. But while everyone is being hit by cupid’s arrow, there are some people who don’t even feel the hype. If you’re one of them, then grab a seat at this table. 1. You, when you hear that Valentine is […]

February 8, 2020

In case you have not realised it, Nigerians have a PhD in lying. Multiple PhDs, even. And there are some people who are professors in the art of lying, but we will keep that conversation for another day. Anyway, here is a list of common lies Nigerians tell. Don’t lie, we know you must told […]

February 8, 2020

Anyone who grew up in a Nigerian household understands that the Saturday routine does not change. It is the same yesterday, today and forever. If you are a true Nigerian, then you’ll understand these pictures and their connection to Saturday mornings. 1. Morning devotion by 6:00 AM. In which your parents can slap you for […]

Watch

Trending Videos

Zikoko Originals

December 14, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
November 2, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
October 26, 2020
A collection of videos documenting some of the events of the EndSARS protests.
June 22, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
June 22, 2020
Hacked is an interesting new series by Zikoko made up of fictional but hilarious chat conversations.
June 4, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
June 2, 2020
Quickie is a video series where everyone featured gets only one minute to rant, review or do absolutely anything.
May 14, 2020
Isolation Diary is a Zikoko series that showcases what isolation is like for one young Nigerian working from home due to the Coronavirus pandemic.
March 12, 2020
Life is already hard. Deciding where to eat and get the best lifestyle experiences, isn't something you should stress about. Let VRSUS do that for you.

Z! Stacks

Here's a rabbit hole of stories to lose yourself in:

Zikoko amplifies African youth culture by curating and creating smart and joyful content for young Africans and the world.
X