If you don’t have, what will we call you?
BMB, GMB/PMB, GEJ, DAM, BRF…should I go on?
Just hope your initials don’t read like this: Olusola Desmond Elliot.
2. Find an (evil) godfather to sponsor you.
See, most people don’t know that this is the secret. You heard it here first.
3. Run for Senate.
Even if your godfather is strong enough to make you a governor straight away, run for senate after.
4. Don’t forget your glo up. Or upgrade challenge. Your choice really.
And not just in your culture.
5. Be selectively literate.
Be smart on some issues, then be totally misguided about other really important issues.
6. Always, ALWAYS make promises you cannot possibly keep.
This isn’t really your fault, Nigerians just don’t learn!
7. Get your social media wailing wailers.
These wailing wailers also serve as ‘attack lions’ against your detractors. Think of them as social media bouncers.
8. Have an arch rival.
Even if it’s the entire Nigerian Twitter like Ben Murray Bruce.
9. Switch political parties. More than once. Maybe even back and forth.
Be ready to switch allegiances at the slightest whiff of weakness or danger. Be selfish. It’s about you!
10. EFCC has to arrest you. At least once.
Fraud allegations don’t ruin you in Nigeria. They make you. In fact, that’s your initiation into the upper ranks of the national thieves.
11. Always have an illness that will carry you abroad* when you’re caught stealing.
The illness is usually undisclosed, but if your condition is critical, pick a terminal illness.
*Abroad: A country with no extradition. This is not a drill.
12. Steal. Lie. Rinse*. Repeat.
This is the crowning jewel of the Nigerian politician. Seriously. You need to master this process. Don’t steal too much; or too little. Do it just right.
1. Steal.
2. Say You Didn’t steal.
3. *Rinse: To become politically born again. Especially when you switch political parties.
4. Repeat 1 – 3.
13. Distribute the wealth to other politicians. You need accomplices.
You definitely do NOT want to go down alone. So keep meticulous records of the partakers.
Growing up in a Nigerian home was an extreme sport. It was a fair mix of the good, the bad, and the flogging. For many children, these moments spelt serious trouble at home. 1) When you eat meat that was counted. Did you or did you not eat the meat is such a powerful question. […]
If you’re a Nigerian student feeling discouraged from pursuing a tertiary education because you can’t afford tuition fees, we have good news for you! You’ll soon be able to get a student loan from the government with zero interest! How’s this possible? The Student Loan Bill provides public university students with financial assistance through the […]
Just hours to the planned November 26, 2022 resumption of operations on the Abuja-Kaduna railway corridor, the Federal Government announced a postponement. It’s not the first time the government has postponed a planned resumption since terrorists attacked the railway corridor in March. But more than the government’s erratic announcements and postponements, Nigerians remain worried about […]
There are so many talented and stunning Nollywood actors that make it hard not to fall in love with them. So, while we all know the likelihood of us ending up with any of them is super low, it’s still fun to imagine a world where we actually stood a chance, and that’s why this […]
With No Nut November FINALLY coming to an end, we’ve decided to mark the torturous month with some more horny content. After quizzes that guessed how many people you’ve slept with, how good you are in bed and who you’ll sleep with next, this one will guess when next you’ll get lucky. Take it to […]
2019 is certainly Burna Boy’s year, but, if we are being honest, so was 2018. Since his transcendent mixtape, Outside, the afro-fusion star has refused to get his foot of our necks — dropping a string of fantastic singles and then capping it all off with his career-best album, African Giant. So, in a bid […]
Your taste in music can say a lot about you, and this time, it’s going to reveal what you are like in a relationship. So, pick a few of your favourite Nigerian love songs, and we’ll let you know if you’re typically a distant, passionate or unbothered partner. Here you go:
2020 is almost over, and while we spent most of the year indoors, we are sure that didn’t stop y’all from increasing your body count. So, we’ve created a quiz that knows how many people you slept with this year. Take to find out:
Children’s day, a day set apart for kids. Like they don’t win at life already? You’re not paying bills or rent and you have a day to celebrate yourself? Get me their manager, please. On days like this, we can’t help but remember how good we used to have it so we wrote this article […]
Are you a Nigerian Student? Are you in a relationship with a fellow Nigerian student? If your answer to these questions is “yes”, then definitely understand these struggles stated below The roommate that does not understand privacy You have been telling Cynthia about how bae is coming over for some private time since the beginning […]
Phillipine movies usually follow a pattern that has become obvious and annoying. Consider this list a documentation of that annoyance by once loyal fans.
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
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