The Complete Guide To Being A Nigerian Politician

December 14, 2015
If you’re affiliated with any Nigerian politician, please don’t read this. Got it? No? Fine. No one listens to me anyway.

1. Prepare your 3-name abbreviation.

If you don’t have, what will we call you? BMB, GMB/PMB, GEJ, DAM, BRF…should I go on? Just hope your initials don’t read like this: Olusola Desmond Elliot.

2. Find an (evil) godfather to sponsor you.

See, most people don’t know that this is the secret. You heard it here first.

3. Run for Senate.

Even if your godfather is strong enough to make you a governor straight away, run for senate after.

4. Don’t forget your glo up. Or upgrade challenge. Your choice really.

And not just in your culture.

5. Be selectively literate.

Be smart on some issues, then be totally misguided about other really important issues.

6. Always, ALWAYS make promises you cannot possibly keep.

This isn’t really your fault, Nigerians just don’t learn!

7. Get your social media wailing wailers.

These wailing wailers also serve as ‘attack lions’ against your detractors. Think of them as social media bouncers.

8. Have an arch rival.

Even if it’s the entire Nigerian Twitter like Ben Murray Bruce.

9. Switch political parties. More than once. Maybe even back and forth.

Be ready to switch allegiances at the slightest whiff of weakness or danger. Be selfish. It’s about you!

10. EFCC has to arrest you. At least once.

Fraud allegations don’t ruin you in Nigeria. They make you. In fact, that’s your initiation into the upper ranks of the national thieves.

11. Always have an illness that will carry you abroad* when you’re caught stealing.

The illness is usually undisclosed, but if your condition is critical, pick a terminal illness. *Abroad: A country with no extradition. This is not a drill.

12. Steal. Lie. Rinse*. Repeat.

This is the crowning jewel of the Nigerian politician. Seriously. You need to master this process. Don’t steal too much; or too little. Do it just right. 1. Steal. 2. Say You Didn’t steal. 3. *Rinse: To become politically born again. Especially when you switch political parties. 4. Repeat 1 – 3.

13. Distribute the wealth to other politicians. You need accomplices.

You definitely do NOT want to go down alone. So keep meticulous records of the partakers.

14. Repeat 12 & 13.

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