Nigeria got a new president four days ago, and he’s already hit the ground running.
We’d have let him run alone, but he’s tied a rope around our national waist and insists we follow him. So as your helpers, we’ve made a survival pack for you.
Always wear running shoes
As the new government has hit the ground running, so shall you. It’s best to stay ready.
Get a new stream of income
How can you make money from all the byproducts of corn and cassava? Mama, let’s start the research before it’s too late.
Date someone in APC
The closer you are to power, the easier your life will be. However, anything you see in the relationship is on you.
Get into ministry
We’ll need new spiritual leaders for all the fasting and praying we’re about to do. Then you can start to charge for deliverance and anointing oil to break the yoke.
Put “Yoruba ronu” sticker on your front door
And maybe, like during the night of the Passover, Nigeria’s wahala will pass over you.
Continue serving capitalism
Now more than ever, you need capitalism’s money. So be good and do as it says.
Buy a bicycle
Fuel is like ₦600/litre now, so you should probably consider selling your car and buying a bicycle. You might faint after riding from your house to work because Nigeria’s heat is nobody’s mate, but at least, you won’t have to buy fuel with money you don’t have.
Switch to candles
Mama G saw the future when she said her government will give out candles because, on just day four of his rule, fuel is more scarce than a married man with no side chicks.
Get a sugar guardian
It’s jokes that you think you can do this on your own. Arm yourself with a glucose guardian today; you can never have too many streams of income.