Nigeria got a new president four days ago, and he’s already hit the ground running.

We’d have let him run alone, but he’s tied a rope around our national waist and insists we follow him. So as your helpers, we’ve made a survival pack for you.

Always wear running shoes 

As the new government has hit the ground running, so shall you. It’s best to stay ready.

Get a new stream of income 

How can you make money from all the byproducts of corn and cassava? Mama, let’s start the research before it’s too late. 

Date someone in APC 

The closer you are to power, the easier your life will be. However, anything you see in the relationship is on you.

Get into ministry 

We’ll need new spiritual leaders for all the fasting and praying we’re about to do. Then you can start to charge for deliverance and anointing oil to break the yoke.

Put “Yoruba ronu” sticker on your front door

And maybe, like during the night of the Passover, Nigeria’s wahala will pass over you. 

Continue serving capitalism

Now more than ever, you need capitalism’s money. So be good and do as it says.

Buy a bicycle 

Fuel is like ₦600/litre now, so you should probably consider selling your car and buying a bicycle. You might faint after riding from your house to work because Nigeria’s heat is nobody’s mate, but at least, you won’t have to buy fuel with money you don’t have.

Switch to candles

Mama G saw the future when she said her government will give out candles because, on just day four of his rule, fuel is more scarce than a married man with no side chicks.

Get a sugar guardian

It’s jokes that you think you can do this on your own. Arm yourself with a glucose guardian today; you can never have too many streams of income.


Zikoko amplifies African youth culture by curating and creating smart and joyful content for young Africans and the world.