Life as a Nigerian is hard, but don’t worry. We’re here to help you figure it out. These are our best tips: 

Don’t be Nigerian

When you’re born Nigerian, life is already leading you 1-0. We don’t know the solution to this, but we sympathise with you.

Japa 

Run while you can. For all the fun that living here offers, Nigeria has a way of squeezing life out of people. 

Avoid the Nigerian police

It’s ironic that those meant to protect us are one of our biggest opps. But until the police have proven they can be trusted, please, avoid them.

Don’t eat semo

This goes without saying. “Semo is the devil’s dandruff forced on us by a capitalist society,” Zikoko Bureau of Statistics.  Semo tastes like sorrow and tragedy and nobody should be eating it. If you have any issues, report me to my editor.

Stay indoors

Nigeria is expensive. Immediately you step out of your house, you hear “savings or current”, and next thing, you’re broke again.

Don’t start a business

Starting a business is stressful, and government policies even make it harder. Don’t do it. Unless you enjoy stress sha. 

Or have a job

I know not having a business or job means you’ll be unemployed. But being unemployed >>> deadlines from bosses.

You see a danfo, you go in the other direction

The average danfo driver drives like he has no immediate family members. But you do, so trek to wherever you need to go. Better late than late.