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What She Said will give women the mic to speak freely, honestly and openly, without shame about sex, politics, family, survival, and everything else life throws our way.
Adanna* is a woman in her early 40s who has spent most of her life under the oppressive control of her older brother, Effiong*. From opening a roadside bar she couldn’t truly call her own, to controlling every aspect of her life, his grip on her seemed inescapable.
When she finally found the courage to leave, her body began to fail her in ways she still doesn’t fully understand. Now, after a life-threatening illness and a surgery she couldn’t afford on her own, she’s back where she started, under his thumb. This is her story.
(*Names changed for privacy)
Trigger Warning: This story contains descriptions of domestic abuse, emotional abuse and medical trauma that some readers might find distressing.
Let’s start from the beginning. Tell me about your family.
We are seven children. Four boys, three girls. I’m the second to last. Effiong is the oldest; he’s 52 now, so he’s a bit over ten years older than me. We grew up very, very poor. Our parents couldn’t really take care of all of us, so we had to raise ourselves, you understand? Na so life be.
When did things start to change between you and Effiong?
When he started making money. Serious money o. He became very rich, richer than all of us, and that’s when he started acting like he owned everybody. Especially me.
Why, especially you?
Because I had my first child at 15, a useless street boy, he just deceived me when I was that young. Nobody was even looking after us then. When he heard I was pregnant, the boy just disappeared. Him dey fear Effiong. Everybody in that area dey fear am.
Wow. Then what happened?
After three years, he came back saying he wanted to take responsibility, talking about marriage and all those things. That same year, when I turned 18, I got pregnant again. He was 27 by then. When I told him, he just ran away again. We didn’t hear anything about him until we heard he had died.
He died?
Yes, about five years ago. They said he was Ghanaian, that he went back to his country. I no know o. When he died, his family members reached out, saying his things would go to his children, but after the burial, we no see shi shi. Not his people, nothing.
So, you had two children by the time you were 18?
Yes. I had five children total. But one of them died, my last son, one year after I had him. So now I have four. The first two get one father, the last two another.
Every single day of my life, Effiong used this against me. The fact that I had children as a small girl, that I needed help, gave him power over me. He opened a roadside bar for me, but it was his property. I would stock it, work it, make money from it, but the bar was never mine. When business was bad, he would restock for me, but it always came with insults. Sometimes, when he was very angry, small beatings dey follow.
He beat you?
Yes. Not all the time, but when he was angry enough, yes.
I am very sorry. Where were you living during this time?
In one small one-bedroom that he owned. My five, then four children and I. We just managed. Later, he took the children to live with him in his big house for many years. Throughout their secondary school and even university for some, they lived with him. So, it was just me in that one room.
Oh yes o. He lived in a mansion with his own four children. His wife was there too, for some time.
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What happened to her?
She ran away. Two times, but she came back because of money. After she had the fourth child, she couldn’t take it anymore. She just left. We haven’t seen her since. Look at what he was doing to me, imagine what he was doing to his wife. The woman tire. Who no go tire?
What was your daily life like during those years?
I would go to his house to cook for him, clean for him, take care of his children, and take care of my own children when they were there. Then I would go to the bar and work. He controlled everything about my life. Everything. He was paying for my children’s school, so that gave him even more power. Anything he said, that’s how it would be.
That sounds exhausting.
My sister, it was like slave work. That’s the only word for it.
What made you finally leave?
I was hearing things. People were saying that Effiong’s hand was not good. That he joined cult. That he was a ritualist. I even started thinking maybe him dey use my star, my destiny. But the real reason was that my last child, my son, had finished secondary school. I had been saving small small for years quietly. One morning, very early, before neighbours would see me or my other brothers would catch me, I just packed my things and left.
Where did you go?
I rented a place on the other side of town. Very far from where he could just reach me easily.
Did he come after you?
No. He didn’t chase me. He just swore that I would suffer more than anything I had ever seen, and that I would come back.
And did you? Suffer?
After some time, yes. I just been dey weak. I no fit get job. My body just dey spoil, spoil.
What was happening to your body?
When I reached the hospital, the doctor say the thing wey dey my womb don start to rot inside me and cause serious infection. Plus, another swelling dey my ovary. My friend gather small money for me, but treatment cost pass us. I just returned home, and everything began to worsen.
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How bad did it get?
It got to a point where I could not walk. My body started to smell, especially my vagina area and I couldn’t control it or manage it. I was just there, suffering slowly. Na that time I know say the thing don pass me.
Who helped you?
My children called their uncles: my brothers. They were the ones who went to beg Effiong on my behalf.
What did Effiong say?
He insulted me first. Insult upon insult. Even in that condition, he still cursed me. But after all that, he took me to the hospital. That’s how he is; he will shame you, then help.
What happened at the hospital?
The doctors examined me and told him everything. They gave him more information about my body than they even told me. I didn’t fully understand what was happening. The only question they asked me directly was whether I wanted my ovaries removed.
And you agreed?
Dem say e go better for me if I remove am, so I agree. I dey suffer well, well. I no fit manage am again. The surgery cost over one million naira. Na my brother pay.
How do you feel about that?
Wetin you wan make I feel?
I’m grateful to be alive, yes, but it also means I’m under his control again. Everything he said would happen… happened. I suffered, and I came back. E pain me, but na the truth.
Where are you living now?
I’m in a bigger house now with one of my brothers and one of my sisters. It’s one of Effiong’s houses that he gave the siblings to stay in. It’s better than the one-bedroom, at least.
And you’re back at the bar?
Yes, but a different location. Still his property.
How does he treat you now?
It’s the same. Maybe he’s slightly calmer sometimes, but he’s still controlling. Whatever he says is final. The insults haven’t stopped.
What about your children? How do they feel about all this?
Dem no dey go near the uncle at all. All of them except my first daughter. She dey try, she dey come see me once in a while, and she too go chop insult. She don marry sef. The other ones, dem just dey avoid all of us. I no dey even see them.
That must hurt.
E dey pain me. But I understand them.
Do you still believe he was using your “star”? Did he do something to you?
(Long pause.)
Wetin concern me? I no dey go anywhere. This is my life now. At least him dey give me money sometimes.
How is your health now?
Much better than before. I can do most things. But sometimes I feel sharp pain around where my womb used to be and down my left leg. On those days, I can’t move much. And I still no really understand wetin happen to my body. Dem no really explain everything to me.
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Do you need follow-up checkups?
Yes, but I can’t afford them.
Is there any hope for you to leave again?
(She laughs bitterly.)
Leave go where? To go suffer again? To go die? No o. This thing don be like say na permanent. Nobody dey come help me. Na so my life be.
I am sorry. If you could say anything to Effiong right now, what would it be?
For what? He won’t listen. He’s never listened.
What about to yourself? To the 15-year-old Adanna?
(Long silence.)
Hmm…
I no know o. Maybe… “I’m sorry.” I’m sorry you ended up like this. But wetin we for do? what choice did we even have from the start?
If you or someone you know is experiencing abuse, please reach out to:
- Mirabel Centre (Lagos) – Sexual Assault Referral Centre: +234 815 577 0000 (mirabelcentre.org)
- DSVRT (Domestic & Sexual Violence Response Team, Lagos) (nomoredirectory.org)
- Safe Haven Foundation – Legal and psychosocial support (safehaven-foundation.org)
- National Human Rights Commission (NHRC) – Rights complaints and support (nhrc.gov.ng)
- WARIF (Women At Risk International Foundation) – Helpline: 0809‑210‑0009 (nomoredirectory.org)
- CEAF (Comfort Empowerment & Advocacy Foundation) – Counselling and legal support (ceaf.org.ng)
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