We Know Everything You Thought About At Your Last Gyno Appointment

March 25, 2019

Gynaecologist appointments were not something I gave a lot of thought until I hit 21. And even then it took me another year to schedule my first appointment.

At my first appointment, the first thought that ran through my head was that the experience was as far removed from movie scenes I had seen it in, as it could possibly be.

From the hours leading up to, and the ninety minutes, my first gyno appointment took me, here is everything I thought about. And everything I’m sure you also thought about.

Trying to decide whether or not to shave before the appointment.

Even though you haven’t shaved or thought about shaving in many weeks. Then you start to worry if shaving is too much of an effort and if your gynaecologist will immediately know that you shaved just for the appointment (they will).

Deciding that you should have definitely shaved.

Especially when you feel your gyno trying to move aside your pubic hair for a closer inspection. A little trim won’t have hurt anyone and would have definitely saved you from being so embarrassed.

Trying to decide how honest you should be as you lie back waiting for the doctor to come in.

Thinking of the right balance of information to give to not risk your health but at the same time not have you come across as the irresponsible adult you’ve been.

Washing extra hard down there the morning of your appointment.

Spending a whole fifteen extra minutes washing down there on the morning of your appointment. And trying to plan in your day in such a way that you go for the appointment just after you’ve showered.

That little sigh of relief you get when you get a female gynaecologist.

You don’t care if it’s the one who looked at you judgmentally at your last appointment. You just don’t want a man foraging around there.

When the person who you thought was your female gyno turns out to just be a nurse.

And your actual gyno is a man.

Making up dates when they are taking your period history

Because you can’t remember anything beyond last month’s period.

Whether it’s your first ever appointment or your twenty second you still shudder when the speculum goes in.

You’d think centuries after the speculum was first invented, scientists will have invented a less intrusive way to conduct pelvic exams. Nope, you still have to get this big guy shoved up your vagina at every gyno appointment.

Feeling the speculum being cranked open and wondering if it’s possible for the doctor to go too far.

Then being told to just relax with this cold foreign object just casually jammed up your vagina. What’s even worse is when the doctor starts to make inappropriate jokes like ‘you should be used to this now’.

Going from being just a little uncomfortable to being in a little bit of pain as the speculum is being cranked open.

And then trying to decide if the pain is normal or if you need to alert your doctor before you end up with a vaginal tear (which never happens by the way).

Getting a sudden urge to pee.

And wondering what kind of idiot doesn’t pee before getting this kind of examination done.

Wondering what it must feel like to be a gyno and spend your whole day peering up all sorts of vaginas.

Do they ever get bored or grossed out? What’s the worst thing they’ve ever come across?

Trying your best to avoid awkward contact but trying to read what’s going on, on your doctor’s face.

Yup, there are exactly 122 tiles on this ceiling and by the look on my doctor’s face, I either have fibroids or two weeks left to live.

Thinking ‘well this is getting long and uncomfortable’ just five minutes into your appointment.

What’s taking so long? Have they found something? Is it cancer? Yup, it’s cancer, I have cancer. Are any of my ovaries missing?

As awkward as gyno appointments get, you really should be getting them regularly as soon as you turn 21.

And especially if you’ve been fornicating in ways the good Lord didn’t intend we should.

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