We Know Everything You Thought About At Your Last Gyno Appointment

March 25, 2019

Gynaecologist appointments were not something I gave a lot of thought until I hit 21. And even then it took me another year to schedule my first appointment.

At my first appointment, the first thought that ran through my head was that the experience was as far removed from movie scenes I had seen it in, as it could possibly be.

From the hours leading up to, and the ninety minutes, my first gyno appointment took me, here is everything I thought about. And everything I’m sure you also thought about.

Trying to decide whether or not to shave before the appointment.

Even though you haven’t shaved or thought about shaving in many weeks. Then you start to worry if shaving is too much of an effort and if your gynaecologist will immediately know that you shaved just for the appointment (they will).

Deciding that you should have definitely shaved.

Especially when you feel your gyno trying to move aside your pubic hair for a closer inspection. A little trim won’t have hurt anyone and would have definitely saved you from being so embarrassed.

Trying to decide how honest you should be as you lie back waiting for the doctor to come in.

Thinking of the right balance of information to give to not risk your health but at the same time not have you come across as the irresponsible adult you’ve been.

Washing extra hard down there the morning of your appointment.

Spending a whole fifteen extra minutes washing down there on the morning of your appointment. And trying to plan in your day in such a way that you go for the appointment just after you’ve showered.

That little sigh of relief you get when you get a female gynaecologist.

You don’t care if it’s the one who looked at you judgmentally at your last appointment. You just don’t want a man foraging around there.

When the person who you thought was your female gyno turns out to just be a nurse.

And your actual gyno is a man.

Making up dates when they are taking your period history

Because you can’t remember anything beyond last month’s period.

Whether it’s your first ever appointment or your twenty second you still shudder when the speculum goes in.

You’d think centuries after the speculum was first invented, scientists will have invented a less intrusive way to conduct pelvic exams. Nope, you still have to get this big guy shoved up your vagina at every gyno appointment.

Feeling the speculum being cranked open and wondering if it’s possible for the doctor to go too far.

Then being told to just relax with this cold foreign object just casually jammed up your vagina. What’s even worse is when the doctor starts to make inappropriate jokes like ‘you should be used to this now’.

Going from being just a little uncomfortable to being in a little bit of pain as the speculum is being cranked open.

And then trying to decide if the pain is normal or if you need to alert your doctor before you end up with a vaginal tear (which never happens by the way).

Getting a sudden urge to pee.

And wondering what kind of idiot doesn’t pee before getting this kind of examination done.

Wondering what it must feel like to be a gyno and spend your whole day peering up all sorts of vaginas.

Do they ever get bored or grossed out? What’s the worst thing they’ve ever come across?

Trying your best to avoid awkward contact but trying to read what’s going on, on your doctor’s face.

Yup, there are exactly 122 tiles on this ceiling and by the look on my doctor’s face, I either have fibroids or two weeks left to live.

Thinking ‘well this is getting long and uncomfortable’ just five minutes into your appointment.

What’s taking so long? Have they found something? Is it cancer? Yup, it’s cancer, I have cancer. Are any of my ovaries missing?

As awkward as gyno appointments get, you really should be getting them regularly as soon as you turn 21.

And especially if you’ve been fornicating in ways the good Lord didn’t intend we should.

Toketemu Ohwovoriole

Join The Conversation

Bring a friend.

You'll like this

April 8, 2020

Last year I had an interview with a woman who had had four abortions and regretted none of them. For International Women’s Day, we decided to reshare all of the interviews from last year. A couple of days after this interview went live I got an email from the woman in this interview. The title […]

Watch

Now on Zikoko

March 1, 2021

All your friends are in love, and you are part of the ‘’God when’’ association wondering when you will get your own boo. We are sorry to break it to you that you may never find love due to the reasons stated below. 1. You are best in English Anyone who mistakenly sends you a […]

March 1, 2021

Do you know what one of the most awkward things in the world is? Your friend comes up to you, handing you their phone to listen to their music while smiling hard, their eyes filled with hope and love so you listen but realize, it just isn’t good. Then they ask you, what do you […]

March 1, 2021

February went by very fast, but Twitter NG users had a lot to laugh about. From tweets about Valentine’s day to an entire generational war, here are some of the most hilarious Nigerian Tweets from February 2021. 1. You had to be there to understand this one. 2. This sage advice. 3. Violence? Yes, please. […]

Recommended Quizzes

December 5, 2019

We already tried to guess how much you have in your account and your current net worth, and we think we did a pretty great job (keep any complaints to yourself). Now, we’re going to try and guess your monthly salary based on your relationship with money. Oya, take the quiz: 11 Timed Quizzes For […]

October 10, 2019

2019 is certainly Burna Boy’s year, but, if we are being honest, so was 2018. Since his transcendent mixtape, Outside, the afro-fusion star has refused to get his foot of our necks — dropping a string of fantastic singles and then capping it all off with his career-best album, African Giant.  So, in a bid […]

March 24, 2020

While we know that a lot of the best Nigerian artists deservedly have fans across generations, that won’t stop us from attempting to guess how old you are based on your taste in Nigerian music. So, take this quiz to see if we got it right:

December 11, 2019

In the past month, we’ve made quizzes that guessed the last time you had sex, how many people you’ve slept with, and just how good you are in bed. For our latest attempt, we will use your taste in Nigerian music from the 2010s to ascertain what you’re like in bed. Take to find out:

More from Her

4 Women Talk About Mansplaining
February 26, 2021

You know how you can be talking about something and a man from nowhere will insert himself in the conversation and give you an opinion no one asked for? That is mansplaining. Simply put, it’s when men talk over you in a condescending and often inaccurate manner plus it’s almost always something you already know. […]

5 Nigerian Women Talk About Being Masculine-Presenting In Nigeria
February 24, 2021

Living as a woman in Nigeria is sometimes an unpleasant experience but masculine-presenting women are often faced with violence simply for looking the way they do. In this article, we asked five Nigerian women to share their experiences as masculine-presenting women.  Bimpe, 23 People look down on me for looking the way I do. Members […]

February 24, 2021

The subject of this week’s What She Said is a 23-year-old Nigerian woman who was in a toxic relationship with a man who did all he could to keep her with him, including stalking and blackmailing her.

Nigerian women talk about their favourite ex
February 23, 2021

In mainstream media, when people talk about exes, they are usually referring to the worst one. In a bid to balance that, we asked 7 Nigerian women to tell us about their favourite ex.   Abigail, 34  Let’s call her M. She was everything I wanted in a partner — honest, loving, ambitious, beautiful and smart. […]

February 22, 2021

Sometimes, when things do not go according to plan it leads to very funny moments. These five Nigerian women share their funniest waxing experiences. Jay, 26 I had never gotten waxed until Christmas of 2020. I got an early Christmas present to go for full body wax and scrub and I was really looking forward […]

February 19, 2021

As told to Mariam  During my first week at Zikoko, I wanted to write an article on how body dysmorphia affects women. I made a call for women to share their stories with me and Fisayo* messaged me. I eventually found that a similar article had been written but the conversation I had with them […]

11 African women send a message to their 16-year-old self
February 17, 2021

We can all agree that adulting is a scam. With the never-ending bills and responsibilities, we almost never have time for ourselves. So, for this article, we asked eleven African women what they would say to their 16-year-old self about growing up if they could go back in time Alex, 25 You are not as […]

February 16, 2021

Being a first daughter in African homes is a different kind of pressure, responsibility and work. These twenty African women share what being a first daughter is like. Anna, 22 From a young age, I was expected to take care of my siblings while receiving no care or attention from my parents at all. I […]

Watch

Trending Videos

Zikoko Originals

December 14, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
November 2, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
October 26, 2020
A collection of videos documenting some of the events of the EndSARS protests.
June 22, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
June 22, 2020
Hacked is an interesting new series by Zikoko made up of fictional but hilarious chat conversations.
June 4, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
June 2, 2020
Quickie is a video series where everyone featured gets only one minute to rant, review or do absolutely anything.
May 14, 2020
Isolation Diary is a Zikoko series that showcases what isolation is like for one young Nigerian working from home due to the Coronavirus pandemic.
March 12, 2020
Life is already hard. Deciding where to eat and get the best lifestyle experiences, isn't something you should stress about. Let VRSUS do that for you.

Z! Stacks

Here's a rabbit hole of stories to lose yourself in:

Zikoko amplifies African youth culture by curating and creating smart and joyful content for young Africans and the world.
X