We Know Everything You Thought About At Your Last Gyno Appointment

March 25, 2019

Gynaecologist appointments were not something I gave a lot of thought until I hit 21. And even then it took me another year to schedule my first appointment.

At my first appointment, the first thought that ran through my head was that the experience was as far removed from movie scenes I had seen it in, as it could possibly be.

From the hours leading up to, and the ninety minutes, my first gyno appointment took me, here is everything I thought about. And everything I’m sure you also thought about.

Trying to decide whether or not to shave before the appointment.

Even though you haven’t shaved or thought about shaving in many weeks. Then you start to worry if shaving is too much of an effort and if your gynaecologist will immediately know that you shaved just for the appointment (they will).

Deciding that you should have definitely shaved.

Especially when you feel your gyno trying to move aside your pubic hair for a closer inspection. A little trim won’t have hurt anyone and would have definitely saved you from being so embarrassed.

Trying to decide how honest you should be as you lie back waiting for the doctor to come in.

Thinking of the right balance of information to give to not risk your health but at the same time not have you come across as the irresponsible adult you’ve been.

Washing extra hard down there the morning of your appointment.

Spending a whole fifteen extra minutes washing down there on the morning of your appointment. And trying to plan in your day in such a way that you go for the appointment just after you’ve showered.

That little sigh of relief you get when you get a female gynaecologist.

You don’t care if it’s the one who looked at you judgmentally at your last appointment. You just don’t want a man foraging around there.

When the person who you thought was your female gyno turns out to just be a nurse.

And your actual gyno is a man.

Making up dates when they are taking your period history

Because you can’t remember anything beyond last month’s period.

Whether it’s your first ever appointment or your twenty second you still shudder when the speculum goes in.

You’d think centuries after the speculum was first invented, scientists will have invented a less intrusive way to conduct pelvic exams. Nope, you still have to get this big guy shoved up your vagina at every gyno appointment.

Feeling the speculum being cranked open and wondering if it’s possible for the doctor to go too far.

Then being told to just relax with this cold foreign object just casually jammed up your vagina. What’s even worse is when the doctor starts to make inappropriate jokes like ‘you should be used to this now’.

Going from being just a little uncomfortable to being in a little bit of pain as the speculum is being cranked open.

And then trying to decide if the pain is normal or if you need to alert your doctor before you end up with a vaginal tear (which never happens by the way).

Getting a sudden urge to pee.

And wondering what kind of idiot doesn’t pee before getting this kind of examination done.

Wondering what it must feel like to be a gyno and spend your whole day peering up all sorts of vaginas.

Do they ever get bored or grossed out? What’s the worst thing they’ve ever come across?

Trying your best to avoid awkward contact but trying to read what’s going on, on your doctor’s face.

Yup, there are exactly 122 tiles on this ceiling and by the look on my doctor’s face, I either have fibroids or two weeks left to live.

Thinking ‘well this is getting long and uncomfortable’ just five minutes into your appointment.

What’s taking so long? Have they found something? Is it cancer? Yup, it’s cancer, I have cancer. Are any of my ovaries missing?

As awkward as gyno appointments get, you really should be getting them regularly as soon as you turn 21.

And especially if you’ve been fornicating in ways the good Lord didn’t intend we should.

Join The Conversation

Bring a friend.

You'll like this

May 26, 2021

The subject of this week’s What She Said is a woman in her early thirties who has been a reverend sister for twelve years. She talks about life before service, how she got called to join the convent and adapting to life at the convent.  What is your earliest memory of your childhood?  It was […]

a woman has needs meme
August 26, 2021

Salary week is rugged — alert enters, but before you blink, the money has disappeared. I did some research *wink* and came up with a list of things Nigerian women spend their salaries on.  1. Food This is the first thing. 70% of our salary goes to food. Home cooked meals o, take out o, […]

Black bridesmaids in brown dresses surrounding a bride in white holding flowers
July 16, 2021

Everybody knows that Nigerian weddings are an experience. Aside from smoky jollof rice and the bride’s dress, one thing that keeps the wedding going is the bridesmaids — running from one corner to the other, making sure everyone is happy. In this article, three Nigerian women talk about being bridesmaids.  Labake, 30 My cousin asked […]


Now on Zikoko

October 1, 2022

“I can’t tell you how much I miss Lagos conductors.” When Tega got into Harvard in March, she didn’t anticipate how much of her life was bout to change. Now, it’s been a week since she moved to Cambridge and she shares how it feels navigating a new city with no family or friends.

Recommended Quizzes

November 11, 2019

Everyone has something to say about what kind of person they are. But how well do we truthfully evaluate these things? Not that much, I can assure you. The average person is always lying to themselves to make sure they look good. But you know what and who doesn’t lie? Zikoko quizzes that’s what. Take […]

June 14, 2020

Have you ever been with someone so horrible that you swore to never date again? Yes? Well, do you know that one or more of your exes probably feels the same way about you? You never thought about that, huh? Thankfully, this quiz is here to let you know just how much of a hassle […]

November 7, 2019

These days, everyone is always talking about how much sex they’re getting, or how little sex they’re getting, or how disgusting sex is etc. There’s just so much talk about sex, it’s almost impossible to know who’s lying and who’s telling the truth. In anticipation of our new series about the sex lives of young […]

October 30, 2019

2010 was a game-changing one for Nollywood, with our movies making serious cash and getting international acclaim. So, which of these hits released between 2010 and 2019 — from the pace-setting The Wedding Party to the divisive Trip To Jamaica — best suits your personality? Well, that’s what this quiz is here to answer:

More from Her

September 25, 2022

Simi and Taofeeqat became best friends in SS2. Before adulthood came between them, they gave each other cheesy love letters and long hugs. In this #LettertoHER, Simi wants Taofeeqat to know she misses her.

September 20, 2022

If your partner spent so much time in your home that it felt like they lived there, moving on can be tougher. So what happens when you can’t afford to move out to move on from the memories of your partner? 7 Nigerians who’ve been heartbroken shared their experience.

What She Said: I’ll Run For Office in 2027
September 14, 2022

Nafisa Atiku-Adejuwon talks about experiencing politics in secondary school, choosing public service over a legal career and finding purpose in helping young women enter politics through “Girls Just Want to Run”.

September 11, 2022

“In everything I wanted to do, my grandma always told me to go for it, even if I wanted to fly to the moon. She never made any of my dreams seem unachievable.”

In this personal essay, Dammy talks about her grandmother, who was also her best friend. #GrandparentsDay

What She Said: Feminism Led Me to Atheism
August 31, 2022

This week’s #ZikokoWhatSheSaid subject is a 23-year-old Nigerian woman. She tells us about discovering her feminism, pansexuality and atheism through books while living with her close-knit conservative family.


Trending Videos

Zikoko Originals

September 13, 2022
Vs The World is a Zikoko original video series that follows best friends Astor and Hassan as they take on the world.
August 23, 2022
Zikoko Ships is a Zikoko Original series where we invite two people who share a relationship to play the Zikoko card games
December 14, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
November 2, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
October 26, 2020
A collection of videos documenting some of the events of the EndSARS protests.
June 22, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
June 22, 2020
Hacked is an interesting new series by Zikoko made up of fictional but hilarious chat conversations.
June 4, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
June 2, 2020
Quickie is a video series where everyone featured gets only one minute to rant, review or do absolutely anything.
May 14, 2020
Isolation Diary is a Zikoko series that showcases what isolation is like for one young Nigerian working from home due to the Coronavirus pandemic.

Z! Stacks

Here's a rabbit hole of stories to lose yourself in:

Zikoko amplifies African youth culture by curating and creating smart and joyful content for young Africans and the world.