Yes, babies are cute. But do you know what pregnant people really go through to bring them into this world? From swollen ankles to a broken tailbone, we’ll be ranking all the terrifying reasons why you should simply stay celibate.
Everyone would know you have sex
You can’t lie and call yourself a virgin just for the fun of it anymore. There’s now physical proof.
24/7 morning sickness
Everything about pregnancy is false advertisement because if it’s called “morning sickness”, why does it happen 24/7?
Can’t eat what you want because the foetus might be a picky eater and reject it
This is just the child telling you your life no longer belongs to you.
Apart from perpetually looking like you’re hauling around two footballs in your belly, people always want to rub said belly. And if you drop something, sorry for you.
You have to deliver the placenta too
Giving birth to the actual baby isn’t enough. You also have to push out the organ that grew inside you with your baby.
Hormone changes may make your sweat blue
Yes, there’s a possibility of you sweating like a smurf. Take heart, dear.
Acne breakouts all over your body
Skincare, where? If you thought your skin didn’t care before, you’re about to be extra surprised.
You may still get your period and painful muscle cramps
You thought pregnancy was going to stop aunty Flo? You thought wrong
Your face swells up
Do you like puff puff? That could be your face during pregnancy.
You could get weird cravings like semo and ogbono soup.
At this point, you just know your child is against you.
Amniotic fluid embolism
Cells from the fetal matter can enter the bloodstream and lead to a stroke.
The baby could paralyse you while napping on your spine
Now, it’s just a possibility, but God abeg. Why is your child your greatest opp while they are still inside you?
Their tiny foot might get stuck in your ribs and crack them
First off, any foot that can crack ribs is not tiny. That baby has the strength of a thousand men.
Your retina could pop out during labour
It’s nice to know that your retina could act like a Jack in the Box and just pop out, leaving you blind as a bat.
Your clitoris might rip too, and you’d probably shit yourself
It’s giving self-sabotage and public disgrace.
24hrs+ labour and you can’t eat the whole time
Anything more than an hour is too much, so this? Unacceptable.
You can get multiple surprise babies
Imagine expecting one baby and getting extras. Who invited them?
Your uterus could rupture during labour
There are a lot of things rupturing, and it isn’t inspiring any confidence.
Finally, you now have a permanent shadow
After somehow surviving pregnancy and labour, you’d think you’re free, but now you have another human being following you everywhere like a shadow.
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