Every week, Zikoko spotlights the unfiltered stories of women navigating life, love, identity and everything in between.
What She Said will give women the mic to speak freely, honestly and openly, without shame about sex, politics, family, survival, and everything else life throws our way.
This week, Amanda*, 28, shares her story of marriage, betrayal, and finding herself again. From blind trust to realising the signs were there all along, her story is raw, unfiltered, and full of lessons every woman navigating love needs to hear.
Can you tell me a little about yourself outside marriage — work, family, who you were before him?
Before I met him, I was running my small online business. Nothing big, but it paid my bills and kept me comfortable. I was living in a room, a self-con, and my parents weren’t rich, but we were okay. I’m the first child, with three younger siblings. I’ve always been an easygoing person with no friends and not the type to tell people what was going on in my life. I lived far from my family, but we spoke often. I just kept things to myself.
How did you meet him, and how did things start between you two?
We met through a mutual friend, but we didn’t date until three years later. For those three years, we just viewed each other’s WhatsApp status and said “hi” once in a while. He would randomly pop up after months of no conversation, tell me he had been crushing on me, that I was hardworking, and that he wanted us to date. I wasn’t seeing anyone, and I wanted to give love a chance again. He also looked responsible, always posting about how men who treat women badly were terrible. So I believed he understood women, and that he was a good man.
What was the beginning of the relationship like?
It wasn’t smooth, but it wasn’t rough either. We didn’t live in the same state, and he said his job kept him very busy. The first day I accepted to date him, he borrowed ₦30k from me. That should have been the biggest red flag, but I told myself his bank app not working could happen to anyone. He said he’d send it back at midnight when the network was back. Till today, I have never seen that ₦30k again. In fact, that was the beginning of me borrowing him money constantly, even after marriage, it increased to ₦500k and ₦1m at a time. I gave because I believed love was about giving.
Looking back now, when did you start noticing signs?
Honestly, the signs were there from the beginning. Our conversations were always about him needing money or being broke. The first monetary “gift” he gave me, he borrowed 70% of it back three days later and never paid it back. But because he was a health professional and always said he was busy, I excused everything. I showed up for him with the little profit from my business.
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When and how did he propose? And why did you say yes?
We had been dating seriously for a few months at that point, and one day he just told me he wanted us to get married. He made it sound very responsible, very thoughtful, like he had our future all planned out. I felt like I could trust him.
I said yes because I wanted love to work. I believed in giving it a chance, in sacrifice, in making a home together. At that time, he looked so composed, so like the kind of man who respected women, and I wanted to believe in that. I also thought that if marriage were like my parents’, love would mean showing up for each other no matter what. It felt right in my head and my heart, even though some things didn’t sit perfectly.
I did start to have serious doubts 3 weeks before the wedding. All his red flags played over and over again in my head.
What stopped you?
I thought I was pregnant. I also didn’t want to disappoint my parents and everyone excited about the wedding. I’d spent so much, sold my things, leased out my apartment, so I felt too deep into it to turn back.
To me, love was sacrifice. I believed marriage meant showing up for each other, no matter what. My parents aren’t perfect, but what they have is real. I thought every marriage could be like theirs if you put in the work. Someone once told me, “What if your parents’ marriage isn’t as beautiful as it looks?” I didn’t want to fail at something they succeeded at. That belief made me stay.
So you married him?
Yes.
What changed after the wedding?
Everything. He started hanging out with a friend I didn’t know existed until after the wedding. At first, it was, “Let’s go to his place together.” Then it turned to him sleeping over there, sending his friend money for food while I stayed at home hungry. One day, I checked his phone while he was bathing and found out that all the times he claimed he was at work, he was actually at that friend’s house, living like a bachelor. He didn’t wear his ring except when he was near the house or at the gate. I would see him take it off when he stepped out of the house, and sometimes, from our bedroom window, I would see him put it back on, on his way in.
Even though I had moved to his city to live with him after the wedding, five months in, we were practically living apart for about eight months. During that period, he ghosted me. No messages, nothing. When he did reach out, it was just to fight, insult, and then block me again.
What was it like being alone in a new city while he stayed out?
At first, I tried not to take it to heart, even though it hurt. I knew no one in that city, no friends, no family. So when he said he was working, I felt helpless. I remember one night, I was very sick and bleeding heavily. I called him, and he claimed he was at work, but I could hear music and his friend’s voice in the background. I cried the whole night. I loved him too much to see what he was doing to me.
What did relocating away from your job and family do to you mentally?
It broke me. I hid everything from my family, so nobody knew what I was going through. At some point, I even blocked everyone because I didn’t want to break down and reveal the truth.
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What happened next?
I had a three-year-old daughter when I met him. She didn’t live with me, and I didn’t pay her bills; her father did, but I told everyone, including him, that I had a child. He said he didn’t mind. Later, he started telling me I couldn’t leave him because people would insult me for being a single mum twice. His words stayed in my head. I would imagine what people would say, and it scared me. I started having anxiety whenever I even thought about leaving.
I’m sorry. What do you remember most vividly from those early months?
The way he shut me out. The way he talked to other women while I was there. The names he called me. Even when I apologised for things I didn’t do, he didn’t care. He wanted me beneath him.
They told me pregnancy would change him. One time during a fight, he called me a “useless woman who can’t get pregnant.” I fasted and prayed just to conceive. Two years into the marriage, I finally did. I was excited. He didn’t react, but I told myself men rarely show emotion.
Weeks later, he stopped coming home. Completely shut me out. My blood pressure got high, and the doctor said I needed a CS. Till the day I gave birth, he didn’t speak to me. He dropped me off at the hospital and went back to his friend’s house. I had to sort baby things and hospital bills myself.
How were you coping day-to-day when he would disappear for weeks or months?
I coped with neighbours and friends outside. But once I got home, I cried. I was always hungry. At times, while I was pregnant, I survived on only water.
What was the moment you realised the marriage was truly a mistake?
When people around him, not even my own friends, started telling me to leave. They pointed out patterns I couldn’t see because I thought I was in love.
Before I walked into that wedding, I wish someone had told me that I didn’t need to rush. We dated for only a few months. I wish someone had told me to take my time and get to know him properly.
How did you leave?
The day I decided to leave, we didn’t have a fight; he just woke up and stopped talking to me. Then I realised the pattern. He does this whenever he wants to leave home for months and doesn’t want to be called or questioned about his whereabouts
I called my brother to get me an apartment, picked up my child and moved out. He started threatening me, begging and threatening me again. But I’ve left, and I’m never looking back.
It has been almost 6 months since I left, and I’m doing much better. He randomly reaches out to send money, but that’s just it, in his words, “he sends those small small change so in the future I won’t tell the child I did it all”.
What did those four years teach you about yourself?
The four years I spent with him taught me that I can become anything. I went from a woman who could barely feed herself to someone who now helps other women make millions.
Healing looks like sleeping peacefully, not worrying, and making my own money. Just living life the way I want.
Love isn’t begging for respect. I recently started talking to someone, and I realised you can be angry at someone and still show up for them. You can still care. That alone shocked me.
Finally, what would you tell another woman who sees the signs but is scared to leave?
People will talk, but people will talk either way. Leave if you need to.
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