• The world is full of impunity and filth, and male virgins have become very scarce. If you are a man and you are still a virgin, here’s how to maintain your purity.

    1. First of all, know that the world is out to corrupt you.

    Male virgins are scarce and those who have lost theirs are eager to drag you down that path of impurity. This knowledge will guide your actions and how you live your life.

    2. Live your life as though everyday was #NoNutNovember.

    For you, the only time the nut must be spilled is your wedding night. Any spilling before that day will remove your name from the list of virgins.

    3. STAY AWAY FROM WOMEN!

    Those people are out to snatch your virginity, your God-given virtue. They will stop at nothing until they strip you of it. They will buy you food, they will call you sweet names, they will even call you big head. Don’t fall. Once they collect your virginity, you have become like a sucked orange. Your use is limited.

    4. Don’t watch porn.

    Do we even need to tell you this? And please, stay away from other sexual activities like kissing, giving head, etc. Don’t turn on the generator when you don’t have anything to power. Don’t start what you cannot finish.

    5. Avoid indecent dressing.

    Ghana Vs. Nigeria! Which country's male celebrities got the sexiest bodies?  - Ghanafuo.com

    You should avoid wearing clothes that reveal your masculine body parts like thighs, abs, shape of your ‘something’. How you dress is how you will be addressed. In a world full of men who have lost their virginity, always ensure you stand out.

    6. Topless photos? Let it not be you.

    Hot & Spicy: Top 6 Sexiest Male Musicians In The Industry - vibe.ng

    You know why? Small chest that you will post and ladies will jump at you and say, ‘Knock Knock’ in your DM. They won’t tell you their agenda, but from entering your DM, they will enter your bed and use you. And what happens afterwards? You have become a second-hand man, damaged goods. They have looted your shop and packed all the palliatives there.

    7. Virginity is the best gift you can give your wife.

    Always bear this in mind. And a marriage founded on the rock of your male virginity is the only way to longevity. Don’t ruin your future for 3 minutes of enjoyment. That way, your wife will be able to brag to the children that, “Your father was a virgin when I married him.”

    Wouldn’t you like that?

    If you have lost your virginity, we cannot blame you. Mistakes happen. But if you’d like to go further by getting pegged, we have something for you:

    7 Things You HAVE To Know Before You Peg Someone

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  • A lot of people walk about with make-up that looks like what we must not say. To prevent this cycle of error from continuing, we wrote this for you. If your make-up artist does any of the things listed here, then it’s your clue to flee.

    1. The ones who are hell bent on drawing cupid’s bow for you.

    Why can’t they stick to your normal lip shape? Why?

    2. The ones whose foundation won’t match your skin tone.

    At least you can see for yourself. Imagine stepping out like this.

    3. The ones who want to use bonding glue for your eyelashes.

    EXCEL HAIR BONDING GLUE – Fiducia African Shop

    Here’s the gist: bonding glue is made specifically for hair on the head. So, when a make-up artist uses bonding glue for false lashes, they glue the false lashes to your natural ones very strongly, and this can lead to hair loss when it’s time to remove it.

    4. If they give the same look to all their clients, please flee.

    Twin Sisters | THE ADVENTURES OF GARY THE SNAIL Wiki | Fandom

    The goal should be to stay unique, not like a bunch of identical, mass produced dolls.

    5. The ones who don’t clean their brushes before using it on your face.

    Even makeup brushes expire! Here's when you should throw yours away | Her  World Singapore

    This should be a warning sign. Flee before they dash you what you will spend months treating with expensive skin care products.

    6. The ones who use bare hands for application of things they should use a brush for.

    Isolated Black African Hand Counting On Fingers Stock Photo - Download  Image Now - iStock

    What’s the brush for, please?

    7. Those who are hell bent on terrible ‘Before’ and ‘After’ photos.

    Nigerian make-up artists zikoko
    https://twitter.com/The_Africanist/status/620255712510377984
    Enough said.

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  • Before you walk down that aisle, take a moment to ask yourself these food questions. The answers you get will determine how fit you are for the institution of marriage.

    1. Can you make pap?

    If you cannot make such a simple meal, how can you handle more complex matters when they arise?

    2. Can you make custard?

    How To Make Custard With Custard Powder - Nigeria Food And Ingredients

    If your answer to this is yes, then you get a pass.

    3. How well can you turn amala?

    Low Carb Swallow - Aubergine (Eggplant) Amala

    This is one way to determine your strength and ability to endure.

    4. Can you fry turkey without eating it?

    Nigerian Peppered Meat

    In other words, can you withstand temptation?

    5. Can you fry plantain without tasting one slice?

    How long can you stay without sex or romantic touch?

    6. How often do you burn food?

    25 Nigerians Share Their Hilarious Cooking Disasters | Zikoko!

    Let us know now, before you burn the whole house.

    7. Can you eat swallow without draw soup?

    7 Types Of Swallow And The Soups They Go With

    In other words, can you do without luxury, if only for a little while? Can you endure discomfort?

    8. Do you know how to make pancake?

    Nigerian Style Pancakes - Naija Chef

    Can you handle delicate issues without making a mess of them?

    9. Be honest, do you eat Cerelac or any other baby food?

    SMA Gold - Infant Milk Powder - Babies21 | Nigeria

    That is: Do you have long throat? Can we trust you to adequately take care of the baby?

    10. Does your Jollof rice colour or does it stay white?

    How well can you manage the resources given to you?

    Now grade yourself. Would you say you are prepared for marriage?


    If you’re still in talking stage, here’s how to spice things up with food:

    10 Foods That Will Improve Your Love Life

  • You’re probably wondering why Nigerians don’t celebrate Halloween. We would love to, honestly, but Nigeria is a conglomeration of problems, and you don’t know which one you will trigger by deciding to dress like your grandfather’s ghost from 1842. Here’s a list of possible things that can happen if Halloween was celebrated in Nigeria.

    1. That will be the night your village people will manifest.

    Image

    And you know how that can end.

    2. You’ll go trick or treating only to end up as a sacrificial goat.

    Jehovah God of mercy.

    3. You’ll collect candy from your neighbours and find yourself flying at 12 am in the midnight.

    Stella Dimoko Korkus.com: High Priest Reveals Why Witches Are Not Killed In Edo  State

    Ordinary sweet oh. Ordinary sweet.

    4. Costumes can become real, like play like joke.

    Them no go know say na Halloween you go celebrate.

    5. The venue of your Halloween party can turn to real-life Koto Aye set.

    And then trouble will arise.

    If, you still decide to go ahead and celebrate Halloween, here’s a list of costumes you can choose from – 8 Scary Nigerian Things You Can Dress As For Halloween This Year

  • Food is one shapeshifter we need to acknowledge more. And maybe we need to hold nature accountable for its weird sense of humour. Because really, what are these things we are seeing?

    1. This tatashe that looks like what we must not say.

    Let it not be in our mouth that you will hear it.

    2. Even me, a full-grown human being, does not have the butt on this yam.

    To quote someone: “[Yam wey] thick pass overnight oats. See as [yam] set like question paper.”

    3. These sweet potatoes posing as mammary glands.

    Nature has a weird sense of humour.

    4. Cream-covered cookie, that’s all.

    Going the milky way, innit?

    5. Blink twice when you see it.

    Don’t say anything, just blink twice.

    6. Wahala for whoever eats this kind of carrot.

    Thick thighs and a dangly appendage.

    7. A glazed what?

    We know you see it too. Honey, we know.

    Here’s something else you’ll love:

    10 Food Pictures That Will Make You Scared Of Nigerians


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  • Nigerian politicians have been moving mad lately. To be very honest, they have always been moving mad, but now we are calling them out on their bullsh*t. If your father/mother is a politician, then, let me break it to you: Honey, you will catch these hands too. Nigerians are angry, and this rage is burning everything like a fire.

    To save yourself, I came up with a list of things to do that will expose your parents or show them pepper until they come out to confess their evil deeds. Don’t thank me, I’m just doing my part as a good Nigerian citizen.

    1. Create an anonymous account and post their sins.

    Did your father hoard indomeannn? Nne, you know that is intolerable. By yourself, open another account and help them to confess.

    2. Trap them with their own words.

    Place a secret camera in the room and ask them what they think about the #EndSARS protests. If they talk rubbish, post it on the internet and say nothing. If you cannot do this, the next one is for you.

    3. Tell them you have a surprise for them, and beg to blindfold them.

    Then you will lead them by the hand to the car where you will drive them to the middle of nowhere and abandon them without food or water. Come back for them two days later. See if they will not beg.

    4. Did your father or mother call Nigerian youths children? Pour werepe inside their bath water.

    Don’t waste time. Let them bathe and start scratching body like a person gifted with a rare case of craw craw.

    5. Ask them to resign.

    We know that you will not say this. You too, you like the free money you are collecting. But try it anyway. If they refuse, set leg for them so they can fall down and knack head on the floor. Tell them sorry and buy paracetamol for them later.

    PS: Follow these advice at your own risk. If your parents disown you, don’t come and call our names abeg. Our hand no dey.

    If your father/mother is a senator and you know s/he is silent, here’s how to relieve them of their duties. Nobody will know:

    How To Recall A Silent Senator

    If you have politician parents, here’s one way to help them spend that money: donate to us.

    [donation]

  • Did you know that it’s possible to improve your love life with food? Sending food to your lover or someone you admire can go a long way to improve your prospects and position you for premium affection. Here’s a list of foods you can use to achieve that:

    1. A platter of small chops

    Nothing declares your affection more than a platter of small chops with a small note to accompany it. If you are eyeing someone on the TL, place an order and have it sent to them. It might not buy them, but it’s a great start.

    2. Stir fry spaghetti

    How far are you in your talking stage? Are things moving the way you want? If they are not, you can accelerate it with an order of stir fry spaghetti and chicken/turkey. I know I have long throat, but believe me, stir fry spaghetti is a generally accepted love language.

    3. Parfait

    4. Cake

    Many people have secured a partner by sending them cake. Many more have patched things up with cake. It doesn’t have to be dramatic. A cake slice will do. It’s the thought that counts. (PS: If you cheat and decide to patch things up with cake, whatever your eyes see, then take it like that.)

    7 Places To Get The Best Ice Cream In Ibadan

    5. Banana bread

    Perfect surprise for a weekend. Perfect way to remind your sweetheart that you’re thinking of them. Perfect way to say, “You’re the sweetest thing that has ever happened to me.” Give it a try.

    6. Shawarma

    Whatever you do, let it be double sausage. That’s when we know you’re serious with your intentions.

    7. Burgers

    Finish this off with a bottle of yoghurt and you have powered your love life to last even longer. If you get your timing right and send it just when your lover is hungry, wow, altar straight.

    8. Croissants

    Imagine being wooed with croissants. Elegance, through and through. It is small, but in the facilitation of romance, it does wonders.

    9. Wings

    How would you feel if someone sent you, quite unexpectedly, a box of peppered wings? You can imagine the delight and joy, right? Now go out and spread good tidings.

    10. A breakfast platter

    Caring enough to send someone a breakfast platter is a sign that you value that person. And for real, it positions you for premium romance. Believe us.


    Hello person that took time out to read this. If you like stories like this and want to support us, please give us your monies.

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  • Food is very important to life. That’s one sure thing we all know. But it’s sure that nobody foresaw the importance of food to the continuity of the #EndSARS protests across the country.

    Sure, the protests are sustained due to a lot of factors, but the role food plays cannot be denied. For one thing, the assurance of food at protest locations is a ginger for a number of protesters.

    https://twitter.com/NotJustSalmanPR/status/1316644936918470657

    Even online protesters want to enter streets when they are chanced. And why not?

    Imagine what Abuja people are enjoying.

    Not even Abuja alone. Other locations too. Someone tweeted that it’s at the #EndSARS protests that a lot of people will taste some foods for the first time in their life, and I don’t disagree. For example, if I was at the Abuja protests, I would have tasted beef burger for the first time in my life. But I’m not, so I’m yet to break that barrier. Still, we move.

    The protests at Ibadan had an amazing supply of food. From asking for donations to the end result, one understands that people take the food ministry very serious.

    The donations
    The results.

    They took it so serious that Lekki people even got pizza.

    Wahala for who no go out to protest oh.

    Asun was made available too. What excuse do you have not to come out? Food? You lie.

    https://twitter.com/optixbaba/status/1316442638082547718

    Food is even being used as an instrument of protest.

    Proof:

    If you haven’t gone out to protest, please endeavour to. And if you cannot go out, please keep tweeting about the protest, keep sharing and keep talking about it. We will not be silent. Food dey, ginger dey, support system dey. Nothing can stop us now.

    We hope you’ve learned a thing or two about how to unfuck yourself when the Nigerian government moves mad. Check back every weekday for more Zikoko Citizen explainers.

  • Citizen is a column that explains how the government’s policies fucks citizens and how we can unfuck ourselves.

    On Tuesday the 13th of October, 2020, the youths of Asaba held an #EndSARS protest at the Government House, in Asaba, Delta state, in line with the series of ongoing #EndSARS protests across the country.

    Image

    During the protest, something new happened. While protesters gathered in front of the government house and protested in the rain, the governor of Delta state, Dr. Ifeanyi Arthur Okowa, offered the protesters the sum of two million naira for “refreshments,” a gift that was vehemently rejected by the protesters.

    In an article written and published on Daily Post by Michael Omonigho, a false account of events was reported. The post alleges that “protesters in Asaba have engaged in fisticuffs over Governor Arthur Ifeanyi Okowa’s largesse,” and that “the physical combats [led] to the point of hurting themselves over the money that was allegedly given to them.”

    Here’s an interview with Ifeoma Ojeifo, one of the protesters, on what happened at the protest.

    So, give us a rundown of events.

    On October the 13th, the youths in Asaba set out to protest years of unchecked police brutality for the second time in the last week. They turned out en masse. The crowd was energetic, loud music blasted from speakers perched on pick-up vans, gyrations, and chants of ‘ENDSARS.’ They didn’t even mind the hot sun.

    They?

    Yes. I was in the office, so I saw them march past my office building at about 11 a.m. and proceed towards the State House of Assembly. I later joined the crowd at Ekwumekwu roundabout, and I was happy we were doing this again, this time surer than we were the last time. After protesting at the House of Assembly, we headed straight for the government house.

    https://twitter.com/the_Ifeoma/status/1316073509987250177

    Why?

    On the last protest, we could not meet with the governor, so this time, I think we were more determined to see the governor. The moment we converged at the government house, we began chanting his name: ‘Okowa’. We didn’t pay heed to other people who wanted to speak to us. We wanted the governor and no one else.

    Did he show up?

    He did, and everyone gathered closer to hear him. Our spokesperson was Mr Emmanuel Udenzua. He was the one who brilliantly presented our grievances to the governor. Cynthia Onoriode Alu and a third person spoke as well.

    How did the governor react?

    He was receptive. He listened to us and took note of our demands. He even agreed that a reform was long overdue in the Nigerian Police Force. It all went well until the governor finished his address.

    Oh wow. What happened after he finished his address?

    After he addressed us, those who spoke on our behalf (Emmanuel Udenzua, Cynthia Onoriode Alu and the third person) were asked into the government house. I don’t know what transpired, but the three spokesperson came out with money speculated to be two million naira.

    Two million naira?

    That’s what they said.

    Money for what?

    They said it was ‘refreshment money.’

    Interesting. How did the protesters react?

    The crowd immediately rejected the money, chased them back and told them to return the money. A seemingly peaceful event almost became chaotic and confrontational in that moment. While one of them returned the money, the other two stayed outside with the crowd, pleading and explaining that their intention was to come ask the crowd if we would accept the ‘refreshment’ given to us by the governor. Apparently, our rejection of the money was both a unified and non-negotiable decision. The rain began then, yet the crowd waited for the money to be returned.

    This is the only energy we support.

    So you can imagine my shock — in fact, our collective shock as protesters — when we found out on the 16th of October that one Mathew Omonigho had written an article in The Daily Post alleging that “engaged in fisticuffs over Governor Arthur Ifeanyi Okowa’s largesse.”

    Why? What for?

    Who knows? At first, I found it funny to think that he assumed the cash gift was such a generous act, and imagined us, leaving our jobs and joblessness, fuelling our cars, risking our lives to come share a two million naira “largesse.” But when I read the article again, I was more enraged at the boldness of his allegations than how insulting the whole thing was. It would have been easy to overlook, but this is a crucial moment and allegations like this cannot and must not be overlooked.

    https://twitter.com/The_Africanist/status/1316054867203567616

    True.

    At a time like this where traditional media has weaponised silence and shunned all calls to lend their voice in calling out the blatant impunity of the Nigeria Police Force, we cannot afford to let this lie go unchecked. We also cannot afford any kind of journalism that wilfully ignores the truth for personal gains. What Mr Omonigho has done is everything professional journalism stands against. It is both shameful and disgraceful. By publishing his untruth, The Daily Post brings their credibility under scrutiny.

    We have seen traditional media underreport and misreport the #ENDSARS protests since they began. While this continues, those of us who observe the truth will continue to document it. For the information of the Nigerian people and for posterity. We will not allow untruths to flourish. #ENDSARS

    Image

    We have seen traditional media underreport and misreport the #ENDSARS protests since they began.While this continues, those of us who observe the truth will continue to document it. For the information of the Nigerian people and for posterity, we will not allow untruths to flourish. #EndSARS.


    We hope you’ve learned a thing or two about how to unfuck yourself when the Nigerian government moves mad. Check back every weekday for more Zikoko Citizen explainers.

  • The #EndSARS protests in Ibadan, today 13th of October 2020, witnessed a very large turnout. The protesters gathered at Iwo road axis, as early as 8am, as stated on the flyer that made rounds on Twitter yesterday.

    Image
    Image
    Protesters at Iwo road this morning.

    Nollywood actors Toyin Abraham and Muyiwa Ademola were among the protesters.

    There was a medical team on standby, as well as a team that catered to feeding.

    The protests then moved from Iwo road to the Oyo state secretariat where NBA members joined the teeming crowd.

    https://twitter.com/AsiwajuLerry/status/1315963293970857985

    Tweets and videos from protesters at the Oyo state secretariat:

    There was, on standby too, a team that cleaned up after the protesters to prevent littering.

    Image

    If you’ll be protesting peacefully, read this for tips on how to prepare for the EndSARS protests: Going For The #EndSARS Protests? Here’s Everything You’ll Need

    If you can’t go to the protests for any reason, that’s okay too. Here are a couple of ways you can help out: Can’t Join The #ENDSARS Protests? Here’s How You Can Help From Home

    Wondering what’s going on? Here’s a quick recap of what the protests are about: Everything You Need To Know About The #EndSars Protest