Gifting is a large part of relationships. Birthday, Valentine’s, relationship anniversary and other special dates are sometimes marked with gifts. But what happens when the relationship ends and your ex wants back their ‘gifts’?
For this article, I spoke to 7 Nigerians who have collected things back and who have had things gifts collected.
Enjoy.
Nonso.
I collected my basketball jersey back from my ex after we broke up. I felt she didn’t deserve to be with anything with my name on it. She could keep every other thing I got her but the jersey.
Blessing.
I was dating this guy, we were both coursemates at the time. So, I got him some things for his birthday. I think the whole package totalled about N45k. After a while, he started misbehaving. Was acting all indifferent and very cold. Long story short, he asked for a break up soon after. I said no p, but I calculated all the things I got for him and asked him to give me back my money. He did, and I used the money to spoil another guy I was eyeing at the time.
Uche.
I dated this lady for about six months. One day I got tickets to a show in Abuja, a regular ticket because that was what I could afford. She got mad and told me that I see her as a cheap girl. I told her she doesn’t appreciate what I do for her because it cost me money to get those tickets. Right there, she started comparing me to her friend’s boyfriend. At that point I had my fill; I told her that if she does not want to be with me, then she should break up rather than compare me, an entrepreneur, to someone who worked in a financial institution. She said that will be better.
I thought she was joking. Next thing, she yanked my durag off my head and removed my wristwatch. Both were gifts she got me on my birthday. A Tom Ford wristwatch that cost about N100K, and the durag that was in season because of the BBNaija trend. She said she invested a lot in those gifts and didn’t want me to have anything that belongs to her.
Tolani.
So this guy gave me a hoodie as a birthday present while we were dating. When we broke up, he called me to bring the hoodie because it was the only ash one he had. I kuku returned it.
Ayomide.
My sister had been dating this guy for like eight or nine months. Then things went south between them. Two days before they broke up, he sent her 10k. When the break-up happened, he asked her to return his money. As if that wasn’t enough, he brought back all the gifts she gave him during the relationship, including the matching wristwatch and chain, and asked her to return the gifts he got for her too.
Juliana.
I met this guy at work. I was an admin staff and he was the driver of my direct boss. He visited my house twice after work, but I never bothered to find out where he was staying; we mostly saw ourselves at work. During this period, I lost my phone. It was stolen from my office desk, so he offered to buy me a new phone and he bought the Nokia 3100. This was 2005, so it wasn’t a bad phone for that time. In the one year that we dated, I never went out with him. I guess he got tired. When things eventually ended, he collected his phone back.
Michael.
I used to give my first girlfriend part of my university allowance to save and keep for me so that I would not spend it. When we broke up, she went away with my money. In my present relationship with this babe, we invested some money together in crypto and she has the login for the wallet. It’s basically her wallet and her account. Now we’re drifting very much apart and I have no access to my investment, neither capital nor profit. If we ever break up, I’m definitely collecting my money back.
How do you know if a person is a serial killer? Most times, you watch them. How do they behave in the company of other people? If they are too happy, they have most likely just disposed someone’s body.
If they look sad nko? They are probably angry that their victim keeps escaping.
So, how do you identify a serial killer? THEIR COOKING HABITS! If they do any of these 11 things in the kitchen, best to run to the nearest police station and report them before they get you.
1. They turn on their gas cooker before lighting a match.
This person will casually set a whole house on fire after doing damage to their victim’s body. Flee.
2. They grate fresh pepper with their bare hands.
If they are not afraid of pepper, who is to say they will be afraid to snap your neck like a stick of carrot? Use your sense bae.
3. They pour salt into their cooking straight from the packet.
Such sleight of hand, such finesse. They probably know how to shoot a gun without making too much noise. They are probably targeting you.
4. They add sugar to their beans.
This means they can cook your flesh and eat it too. All they need is a little sugar. Better watch how you sleep when they are around.
5. They fry meat and fish without jumping back.
If they can face this burning splash, what makes you think you can scare them with hell fire?
6. They fry a whole bunch of plantain without tasting one.
Self-control, isn’t it? It’s a lie. It means they can watch their target for a long time until they are ready to strike.
7. They chop onions without shedding a tear.
These ones are callous. You think any other thing can make them cry?
8. They casually throw raw tomatoes and onions into their mouth and chew them.
They casually taste onions and tomatoes. No heartbreak or curse words can break these ones. They’ve tasted worse.
9. They taste raw eggs to know if the salt and maggi is enough.
And you think they will not drink your bodily fluids without a second thought?
10. They drop hot food from the fire without using a cloth to hold it.
Hm. These ones will hold open the doors of hell fire and there is nothing the devil can do.
11. They can kill a chicken.
How different are you from a chicken and who is to say you are not the next on their list of people to murd’?
If you know anybody with any of these characteristics (your boy or girlfriend, your husband or wife, your mother or father), please report them to the authorities.
And if you are the one who does any of the things on this list, then e ma need lati tele wa de station.
The woman described in Proverbs 31 is the ideal woman many men expect women to be. And it’s interesting how men are quick to say they are looking for a Proverbs 31 woman when they themselves are far from being a Proverbs 31 man.
Who is a Proverbs 31 man?
Ah, I knew you’d ask. Well, we formed him from the ribs of the Proverbs 31 woman. Here are the characteristics of the Proverbs 31 man.
Enjoy (and apply to your lives).
Epilogue: The Husband of Noble Character
10 An excellent man [one who is spiritual, capable, intelligent, and virtuous], who is she who can find him? His value is more precious than diamonds and his worth is far above bitcoin or ethereum. 11 The heart of his wife trusts in him [with secure confidence because she knows he dares not cheat or disrespect her], And she will have no reason to be put to shame.
12 He comforts, encourages, and does his wife only good and not evil All the days of his life. 13 He looks for wool and flax serious money [because money answereth all things] And works with willing hands in delight [without being forced, or cajoled or offered sex as a bait]. 14 He is like the Igbo man’s container [abounding with treasure]; He brings his [household’s] food from far away. 15 He rises also while it is still night [while his wife sleeps in their King size bed, AC blowing her like there’s no tomorrow] And gives food to his household And assigns tasks to his houseboys [should he even have houseboys sef?] 16 He considers a land before he buys or accepts it [expanding his business prudently—look at Dangote, Otedola and Mike Adenuga. Do they have two heads?]; With his profits, he plants fruitful vines in her vineyard [buys expensive things for his wife and children and flies them abroad on a steady]. 17 He equips himself with strength [spiritual, mental, and physical fitness for his God-given task as a husband, a shield, a menial worker ready to take on the burden of his family] And he makes his arms strong [not just by going to the gym, because biceps without money to back it up is a sheer waste of time and energy].
18 He [shines his eyes and] sees that his gain is good; His lamp generator does not go out, but it burns continually through the night [he is prepared for whatever lies ahead—PHCN wahala, outrageous bills, cost of fuel]. 19 He stretches out his hands to [business partners], And his hands hold fast [as he spins wool into thread for clothing signs contract after contract]. 20 He opens and extends his hand to the poor, And he reaches out his filled hands to the needy. 21 He does not fear the snow [Harmattan] for his household, For all in his household are clothed in [expensive] scarlet [wool]. 22 He makes for himself coverlets, cushions, and rugs of tapestry [and if he cannot make it, let him buy it with the money he is making]. His clothing is linen, pure and fine, and purple [wool]. [There are a number of designer brands he can consider too]. 23 His wife is known in the [city’s] gates, When she sits among the elders [other happening babes and women] of the land. 24 He makes [fine] linen garments and sells them [and if he’s not into selling clothes, there are a number of trades he can consider]; And supplies sashes to the merchants. 25 Strength and dignity are his clothing and his position is strong and secure; And he smiles at the future [knowing that he and his family are prepared to japa to Canada when Nigeria gets worse, which it will].
26 He opens his mouth in [skillful and godly] wisdom [and he doesn’t jamtalk or chook mouth in women’s business], And the teaching of kindness is on his tongue [giving counsel and instruction]. 27 He looks well to how things go in his household [not that they will have to be reminding him every time], And does not eat the bread of idleness. 28 His children rise up and call him blessed (happy, prosperous, to be admired); His wife also, and she praises him, saying, 29 “Many men have done nobly, and well [with the strength of character that is steadfast in goodness], But you excel them all, olowo ori mi [or dim, if she’s Igbo].” 30 Bear-bear and six packs are deceptive, and [superficial] handsomeness is vain, But a man who fears the Lord [reverently worshiping, obeying, serving, and trusting Him with awe-filled respect], he shall be praised. 31 Give him of the product of his hands, And let his own works [that is, his wife’s beauty and expensive taste, his foreign-educated children, his fine house and plenty cars, his diligence and uprightness] praise him in the gates [of the city].
Amen somebody?
My fellow Nigerian who is thinking of renting a house in Ibadan, it is true people have said that houses are cheaper there. In fact, they even say that Ibadan landlords have no angry bone in them. I hear you. Today on Inside Life sha, I bring you warning from my own true life story.
1. Beware of those people that call themselves agents.
Those agents will boldly charge as high as the house rent. On top of house that is not their own. They will even charge you before taking you to inspect houses that you probably won’t like or rent. Your best offer is to rent directly from the landlord. You see Agent Kasali? Jehovah dismantle. Agent Sunkanmi? Metalokan dislocate.
2. Something will destabilize your finances. That thing is called TOTAL PACKAGE.
House rent: 60k
Agent Fee: 45k
Total package: 110k.
My own is, what is in that Total Package? Open the package, let me know what I am paying for.
3. If they have a well in that house, ask God to reveal the strength to you.
Because the well might dry up at certain seasons. And you, hot cake that has never fetched water all your life will go and start begging people for water that they will not give you. And it’s not kuku their fault. After all, they didn’t follow you to rent a house with a geriatric well.
4. Beware of a landlord that lives away from the house.
If the house is that good, why is the landlord not living there?
5. Beware of a landlord that lives in the house.
Ah. Day after day, complaints. What is worse? A landlord that monitors your guests, inspects your trash, knocks on the door when your moans are too loud. If I wanted to be monitored, why didn’t I just pack to my parents house? My dear reader, to be forewarned is to be forearmed.
6. After the agent has taken you to inspect the house, go back on your own.
You know what you will go back to do? You’ll ask people living in that area or in the house sef to give you the gist about that house. When you hear their stories, go home and decide if you are ready to endure what they are enduring.
7. Ask oh, ask if the house is inherited or if the landlord is the owner.
If the landlord is the owner, s/he might respond quickly to fix the issues in the house. If the house is inherited from their great-great-great-grandmother and they own just one or two rooms in the whole building, forget it. Your roof will leak for one whole year and your landlord will tell you it’s the Lord’s doing.
8. Whatever you do, always keep a copy of the contract you signed.
One day, fight will arise and you will need it. Let them also know you have a lawyer. Of course you don’t, but your werey must disguise.
9. Forget what people are saying. Houses in Ibadan are no longer cheap.
Ibadan people (read: agents, landlords, and inheritors) have caught on to the hype and they now know that Lagos people are trooping into Ibadan. They also want a taste of that Lagos dough.
Ibadan agents and landlords eating Lagos dough.
Yes, it might be lesser than what you’re used to, but Ibadan people are now inflating rents. So, thinking of renting a house in Ibadan? Shine your eye.
To save the dignity of Millennials, I asked them to send me their response to the dragging from Gen Z’ers. Here are some of the responses I got.
*Warren, 25.
It’s not a personality trait to use 80s and 90s aesthetics. And why does everyone in your gen want to be a “creative”? Honestly there’s a lot to admire with you guys — the boldness, the open-mindedness, etc, but that’s the awesome thing about being younger. It’s very liberating and freeing but as you get older (which will happen very fast), you will find yourself dressing in a more conservative way, sounding more conservative, and doing more conservative things. Life just does that; it’s a cycle, don’t worry. Gen A is coming for you all too.
The word for the day is “do am if easy” and the truth is that being Nigerian is tough for everyone. We millennials that made fun of the older gens have found out that it’s not as simple as it sounds and frankly, it’s been quite humbling. And yes, a lot of us aren’t well adjusted but we are Nigerians—we haven’t really healed, but we’ll eventually find our balance somehow.
I hope it’s different for you people, but I doubt it. Being Nigerian and someone’s Nigerian child usually comes with a set of wounds no one should have to bear, but you’re going to bear it, and resolving it will take time and at your own pace as you find them. Also, I can’t believe I’m saying this because I’m not even old but you all dress kind of weird. And for real, some of you need to do less drugs and experimenting, ABEG.
Gbolahan, 31.
I think Gen Z’ers aren’t necessarily right about everything when it comes to how they perceive Nigerian millennials, but they aren’t wrong about a lot. We did inherit a lot of things we consider of social value that we should instead be interrogating. While it’s easy to trot out the “they haven’t seen life” argument, remember Gen Z’ers have grown up in a world much more expanded by technology than we ever did. There is no separate “real life” for them because technology is a part of that “real life.” And they’re using this knowledge to attempt to influence the world around them in the best way they can. We can learn from them. But they should also be calming down sha. Not everytime, fire. Sometimes, water too.
Dee, 26.
Gen Z’ers can be very rude, no courtesy. They assume everyone is cool with them and just ask question anyhow. How can you reply a message with ‘yeah morning’. Iwo ati tani?
On a serious note though. They are cool, and can be extremely helpful and kind. Millennials are better diplomats though because we can make you do what we want without being brazen about it. I guess we never stopped seeing Genz as our younger sisters
Anthony, 29.
I think Gen Z’ers are bold and relentless. I admire how nothing is out of bounds for them. They speak their minds, and they are undaunted. They’re like, “We want this, we’re not going to succumb to the life that you people loved or that your parents forced you to live. We want difference and we are fighting for it.” I love that energy. However, I think there’s a time and place for certain things and Gen Z’ers don’t seem to know this.
For example, they walk into a room with an energy that screams, “I’M THE LIFE OF THE PARTY!” and you just look at them and think, “Read the room nau.”
Yes, Gen Z’ers are a lot more empathetic, in touch with their emotions and this is necessary in the society we are in today. But sometimes, they dwell in it too much. And you are almost tempted to tell them, “Can you please put your emotions aside and do what needs to be done?” They always wear their emotions as a jacket. It’s like they want the world to see it. Honestly, nobody is dismissing you and your emotions, but we need to get things done.
To be honest, I’m happy we have them. There’s a lot of work that needs to be done and I’m not willing to do that. I don’t think I have the strength for it. Which is why, when I see Gen Z’ers shouting, I think, “Yes, tell them, tell them!” And if the authorities come in, I’ll say something like, “Well, you know the young person made a point…” I don’t have the balls to say or do half the things they do, I agree. But sometimes ehn, they need to tuck the balls in or wear boxers. You don’t need to bring them out everytime.
Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.
After interviewing Truth or Dare about inadvertently becoming the go-to game for turning a simple party into a den of iniquity, we got a phone call from Saxophone, who wanted to tell its own story too.
From being the happening babe of musical instruments to becoming a laughing stock to Nigerians, the Saxophone’s journey is a classic grace to grass story.
Zikoko: Thanks for coming here.
Saxophone: Thanks for not trying to blow me on my way in.
Err. You’re welcome. So, do you remember how you felt when you first came to Nigeria?
Ah. It was…magical. Before I came, the major musical instruments were drums, bells, and maybe the occasional keyboard. But then I came in, and I was the shining new star.
Not everybody knew how to play me, but they all wanted me in the mix, even if it was just for show. Live bands, country clubs, everywhere. I was the ‘it girl’. I felt so classy.
That must have been awesome.
It was. But this is Nigeria. You can’t be special for too long. They will eventually rubbish you.
Ahan. What happened?
The way grace changes to disgrace in this country needs to be studied. Honestly, look at me. From being the happening babe of musical instruments to becoming a laughing stock.
How did you become a laughing stock?
Frankly, I blame Nigerian vendors and their so-called romantic packages. I don’t know who gave them the idea that they need to include me as part of their romantic shenanigans, but it has really stained my white.
How so?
You know Nigerians must make money out of every available opportunity. Take Valentine’s Day for example. Biko, why were there more vendors than lovers? Why was supply greater than demand?
Then in a bid to standout out among the sea of vendors, you’ll see some of them looking for a unique angle, and before you know it, I am dragged into the mess.
Shouldn’t that be a good thing?
It would have been good if it was just one vendor. But check every vendor’s package and you will see me. So where is the uniqueness if everybody has seen me finish?
On the contrary, I think you’ve become more popular. Shouldn’t you be excited?
Did I beg you people for popularity? Even if I wanted to become popular, shouldn’t it be for something reasonable? You that is cheating will still drag me to surprise your lover who is also cheating.
Who are we deceiving? And where is the romance in that?
Are you saying you don’t care for romance?
Not on a hot afternoon when people are trying to sleep. It doesn’t even help that some of the so-called saxophonists don’t know how to play. All they know how to do is spray saliva inside me and make noise.
Tell me, does this sound relaxed and romantic to you?
A nuisance, that is what Nigerian romance vendors have turned me into. A complete nuisance. Your babe is heartbroken? Play Saxophone for her. You cheated on her? Call Saxophone. Oh, it’s Valentine’s Day? SAXOPHONE.
They don’t care about context or situation, all they want is the money. And what will the end result be? Disgrace. Complete and utter disgrace. Kai. I have really suffered.
Yesterday, a guy surprised his babe at her office. He sent a saxophonist to play her a birthday song.
While saxophonist was playing & other staff were awwwing, the company MD walked in, got angry & threw saxophonist out of the office.
If you’re walking on the road now, and you see someone carrying a saxophone, what would be your first thought?
Somebody’s daughter is about to suffer.
You see? And you’re asking me how this makes me feel? I have become so overused that instead of being associated with class, Nigerians associate me with noise and suffering.
You did, and I don’t blame you. It is what you Nigerians do. You spoil people’s lives and then mock them for it. You strip them of dignity and then turn around to call them cheap and classless. You are just as bad as they—
This is starting to become—
Don’t interrupt me. You will go out there now and tell your people—vendors, surprise package people, all of them. Tell them that I said they should leave me alone.
Haven’t they soiled my reputation enough? Tell them I said I don’t care about how they show love or surprise the people in their lives. I just want to be left out of it.
Yes, yes I will.
Good. *Saxophone rolls out*
Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.
In choosing a partner to date or marry, most people do not often consider food compatibility as much as they should. The stories these 8 people told me about food issues in their relationship are a mix of hilarious and ‘oh dear’, but after writing and reading, it made me think about the importance of knowing and understanding your partner’s food preferences.
Tunji
I like my yam thinly sliced while my girlfriend likes big chunks. And this, yam slices, was what caused our fight. She had a fit about it. She said it was an indication of how I don’t listen to her. How I don’t care. I apologized and started to cut my yams differently.
We broke up two years later. There were many reasons, but at the core of it was that one partner was less attentive.
Sarah.
My boyfriend is always undecided when it comes to food. The first time I asked him what he wanted to eat, his response was “I don’t know o, the men in my family have this thing where we’re always indecisive when it comes to picking food.”
I was silent for a few seconds. In my mind, I thought, “As per generational curse or?” Because frankly, I didn’t understand. The next thing he said was, “So what are we going to eat like this?”
I have learned to stop asking him that question.
Dolapo.
I love locust beans (iru). It’s what I grew up eating; my best stew is one that contains a lot of it. My boyfriend doesn’t like it. He loves beans, I don’t. The first time I cooked stew, he made a comment. “You eat a lot of iru oh.” I laughed, brushed it off as a normal compliment. But for the two days that we had the stew, I saw that he was forcing himself to eat it. Later, when we made a food timetable, he found a way to include beans into everything while locust beans was dropped. For the first 2/3 months, I had to manage the beans. He’d cook it, and I would eat very little with a lot of garri. He never noticed. I had to let go of iru even though it was something I love a lot. I only used it in okro, which was something we cooked once in a while. I picked up eating beans which was something I do not care so much for.
Locust beans (iru).
And there was the issue of my not eating much. Although I love to cook, so much that I even offer to cook for people, I don’t eat much. Sometimes, I eat once a day, and sometimes I can even forget to eat. I find it very stressful that we humans have to get our energy from eating. The result of this is that I find it hard to make food decisions. I can spend close to three hours trying to decide what to eat.
And now here’s the problem: I have ulcer, and I weigh about 50kg, so he always wanted me to eat three square meals even though I did not want to. He’d ask me what I wanted to eat and I would take a long time to decide. Or I could decide and then change my mind five minutes later. I eventually told him that putting the responsibility of deciding what to eat on me was a difficult situation to put me in.
We lived together for seven months before we broke up. There were a lot of reasons, but my indecisiveness about food and my refusal to eat was a large part of the problem.
Chidera.
We went out on a date to a place I’d never been. He’d been there lots of times, enough times to know what slaps on their menu and what didn’t. So, I asked him to order, and he settled for spaghetti Bolognese for the both of us. Now, here’s the problem: I’m the kind of girl who can have a full plate of food in front of me but would rather eat yours. It’s a love language.
When our spaghetti Bolognese was brought, I put my fork in his bowl and tried to eat from it, and he got so angry. I honestly couldn’t figure out why. That was not the first time I would be eating his food even though I had mine, so why was this one different?
You know what he did next? He pushed his food toward me and said I had to eat both. And I was like, What? I told him I couldn’t eat it, so he just left the bowl in front of him. He didn’t touch it until I finished eating mine. It was such an awkward, quiet date.
I tried to kiss him when we got home, but he said he’s still mad at me. And so, me too, I told him I still don’t understand the problem because it wasn’t the first time I would be eating his food. Here’s what he said: “All the other times you ate my food, we weren’t eating the same thing. I have a problem with the fact that we had the same plate of food and you still decided to eat mine. And not just anywhere, but in public.”
I never touched his food after that. And it’s very painful, because how do I show love?
Folasayo.
My husband loves Semo and Fufu — two things I do not like. I mean, who eats Semo??? But because love and other such stories, I buy Semo during our monthly grocery shopping and I prepare it for him as well. Fufu on the other hand? Jesus has to intervene.
Ibinabo.
Shawarma is my life. My life. And I’m dating someone who doesn’t eat shawarma. Can you believe that? I have threatened to break up because of it. It’s like why??? That’s a red flag nau. Beyond that, they’re such a picky eater. Do you know I keep a food chart for them to keep track of what they eat and how they eat it?
And then they judge my food choices. Imagine. So what if I eat ice cream and fried yam? Why are you judging me? They tell me they love me either way, as if they’re doing me a favour and I’m not the one adding spice to their life. Tueh. Also, he feels like I’m going to dump him for food one day. He’s not wrong. Food makes me happy, food makes me cum, food makes me feel good. What do I really need a man for?
Roseline.
My fiance is a white man. He cannot stand pepper, neither does he completely enjoy Nigerian food. Yes, I am used to foreign food—mashed potatoes, full English breakfast, the whole shebang, but I am Nigerian, Yoruba, and it’s inconceivable to assume I can survive so long without pepper or Nigerian food.
At first, I made what he liked: foreign food, less pepper. And when I started craving efo riro, eba, soup, I decided to introduce him to Nigerian food in small ‘doses.’ I’d cook meals that were not too peppery for him to handle. It was a fair deal.
And then I made pounded yam and efo riro one day. When I cook, I don’t taste it until I’m done or it’s time to eat. It’s just how I am. When I served my man the food, he screamed. It was too peppery. Even me, I tasted it and knew that I had fucked up.
After that incident, I had to settle for making two meals: my own Nigerian food and his own foreign food. It wasn’t the most enjoyable thing. In fact, it was a lot of work. Getting a cook made it easier.
Grace.
Before anything, I should let you know that I love spaghetti and ponmo. I can eat spaghetti as breakfast, lunch, dinner, and even as an afternoon snack. As for ponmo, I can buy food and have them fill the whole plate with ponmo. It is who I am. Now, the issue.
One day, my boyfriend and I were hungry. We’d both had a long day and we decided to get food on our way back home. Where we stopped at, they had only swallow, so I offered to buy spaghetti on the road and cook when we got home. He said nothing — not to agree or disagree or make any comment. I bought the spaghetti with my money, prepared it, and served him. And then he refused to eat it. It wasn’t even that I could not finish the entire pot if I wanted to. I could, but there I was, offering him a plate and he was rejecting it.
The next thing he said was, “Did you even ask me what I wanted to eat before deciding on spaghetti?”
Wahala.
He didn’t eat that spaghetti, and he didn’t talk to me that night. Same thing the next day. He went to work, came back and still kept up the silent treatment. So I confronted him. He took it very serious. Started talking about, “Have you even considered eating other things except spaghetti?”
Me I told him, “Bros, no shout for me oh.”
That incident passed, only for the ponmo incident to happen. That day, he helped me get food, and he told me there was no ponmo, so he got meat for me. I agreed and ate the food. It was after I finished mine, that I saw that he had ponmo in his own food. So I asked him, “Why was there ponmon in your food and you gave me meat? You know I’d rather have ponmo.”
Frankly, I was angry. It seemed like a comeback on the spaghetti incident and all the spaghetti-related issues we’d had before then. Like how he’d buy me tiny spaghetti to cook when he knew fully well that I don’t like tiny spaghetti. It also seemed like he didn’t put me into consideration.
Valentine’s Day 2021 might have ended, but what will remain forever hilarious are these tweets from single people, zealous people, and people who are genuinely just here for the violence.
Citizen is a column that explains how the government’s policies fucks citizens and how we can unfuck ourselves.
What is happening in Oyo state?
There have been reports about a clash said to be happening in Oyo state. The clash is said to be between Yorubas and Hausas, and the affected areas include Akinyele local government, Ojoo, Sasa, and the Moniya axis.
There’s a mess going on in Ibadan right now oooo!!!! Akinyele local govt. Ojoo, Sasa and Moniya axis.
According to news reports by Tribune Online, The Punch, and Daily Trust, the clash began as a result of an altercation between a Hausa porter and a pregnant Yoruba woman on Thursday, 11th of February, 2021. A cobbler who intervened was allegedly hit with a charm and he died on Friday, 12th of February while receiving treatment.
I passed through the place. It started yesterday when one Hausa man killed a Yoruba man who was trying to stop him from harassing a pregnant Yoruba woman who complained about the tomato he poured in front of her shop.
— #Fearlessly heartful and heartfully fearless# (@adromyn) February 13, 2021
What are the police doing about it?
The Commissioner of Police, Mrs. Ngozi Onadeko, was said to have visited the scene, but the unrest is still ongoing.
The Commandant of Amotekun Corps in the state, Col. Olayinka Olayanju (retd.), was also reported to have deployed his men to guard schools in the area to prevent pupils and staff from the attack.
Valentine is almost here and yet again, Nigerian men are bound to be on the unfair end of the gifting scale. The cycle of giving a lot and getting little in return has to end this Valentine.
What do you give a [stingy] woman who has everything? We have ideas.
1. Bagco bag.
You might not be able to handle all her emotional baggage, but Bagco will never let her down.
2. Wet lips.
A closed mouth is a closed destiny. You have just gifted her something that will lead to her acceleration in life.
3. Hand mirror.
When you give this to her, play “Jowo” by Davido: Look into my eyes oh, baby jowo. The way she will run to hug you ehn! Hmm.
4. Wig cap.
Who knows, the wig cap could be her secret charm into BBNaija this year. Nengi that wore it in the house kuku knew what she was doing.
5. Hardener.
You are making her nails hard, not her life. She should appreciate this.
6. Tights/Stockings/Pop-Socks.
You’re helping her look sexy on a budget. What else could she possibly want?
7. Greeting card.
Shebi she said words of affirmation is her love language? It has not changed. Buy greeting card and speak her love language to her.
8. Back scratcher.
You cannot promise to touch the deepest parts of her. But you see this back scratcher? It will touch her in places even you cannot reach.
9. Rubber.
Natural is the way, and that’s why you are giving her this to help her journey. Sorry if your babe is on gorimapa. Maybe buy her Damatol.
10. Pumice stone.
You’ve just saved her the cost of going to the spa for a foot scrub. This right here is an eternal subscription to a DIY pedicure, all natural.
11. Dunlop slippers.
For when her journey in life becomes too hard. Let her remove her high heels and wear this one.
12. Hair bond.
Somebody is bound to provoke her into fighting. She’ll use this scrunchie to pack her hair so they don’t pull it and win.
13. Ludo.
Give her something else to play with, in case she decides to play your heart.
14. Two Indomie and one egg.
One egg is now N50 in the market. If she does not appreciate it, then she is not worthy of your affection.
NB: Whatever happens between you and your girlfriend after you give her any of these gifts, you people should not call my name abeg. I’m busy shaving my own Valentine’s gift.
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