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  • Sunken Ships is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.

    Debby* (27) and Aisha* (26) hit it off at a 2018 house party, but things changed when Aisha started seeing Debby’s friend, Femi*.

    In this Sunken Ships, Debby opens up about the secret situationship that came between them and the friendship she still misses.

    What were the signs that your friendship with Aisha was going downhill?

    I accepted our friendship was over in 2021 when she stopped responding to my calls or texts. I was worried about her until I reached out to our mutual friends, only to find out she was intentionally avoiding me. It would’ve hurt more but I thought her reason was silly.

    Okay, first, how did you guys meet?

    We met at a house party in 2018 through a mutual friend. I discovered that we both shared a love for the same movies and anime, and our friendship blossomed from there.

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    What were the early days of your friendship like?

    They were great. We spent a lot of time at the beginning just getting to know each other. I told her all about my family, my hobbies and my personal life, and she did the same. We helped each other with advice when we had issues as well, so we became very close quickly.

    Where would you say the cracks in your relationship started showing?

    It was late 2020. Aisha had shared that she wanted a boyfriend earlier in the year, but she didn’t know where to meet people, so I offered to introduce her to some of my single friends. That was the main reason everything unravelled.

    Tell me about that.

    In August, one of my friends threw a house party, and I invited Aisha because I knew a lot of my friends would be there, and I hoped she would find a spark with one or two of them. At the party, I made sure to introduce her to two of my male friends, who I knew would make great partners.

    Did she hit it off with either of them?

    No, and that was the problem. Instead, she spent the whole night flirting and talking to my other friend, Femi*. I didn’t like it at all.

    Why not?

    Femi was a good friend; he’s fun and kind. But romantically? He had the worst romantic record out of all our friends. All his past exes had him blocked for either cheating or being completely emotionally absent in their relationship. I didn’t want that for Aisha.

    Ah, I see. Did you talk to her about it?

    Yes. As soon as we left the party, I told her all about Femi and how he wouldn’t be the best match for her, but I don’t think she believed me. Femi is very good-looking and charming, so perhaps she thought I was trying to block her from enjoying a good thing.

    So what happened after?

    They started seeing each other secretly. I didn’t know about it at the time, so I was still trying to introduce her to other people. This went on until January 2021, when things between Femi and Aisha scattered.

    How did you find out about them?

    Femi texted me to say that Aisha was pressuring him to be in a relationship with her and wanted my advice on how to tell her he wasn’t interested.

    Ah.

    I was surprised too. I asked him how they got to that point, and he confessed that they started a situationship after they met at the house party, but he thought they were going to remain casual.

    How did that make you feel?

    It really hurt that Aisha would keep her relationship with Femi a secret from me. I thought we were closer than that. I told Femi that I couldn’t weigh in and he had to speak to Aisha about it himself.

    Did you tell her when you found out?

    No. I felt that if she didn’t tell me about it, then she didn’t want me involved at all.

    Okay, what happened next?

    Femi hard launched a girlfriend during Valentine’s in 2021. It surprised all of us, most of all Aisha. I think she thought I knew something about it because she stopped responding to my messages after that weekend. I had to reach out to our mutual friends to find out how she was doing.

    Did she reach out to you after you spoke to your mutual friends?

    Yes, and she accused me of not doing enough to discourage her from seeing Femi as a potential boyfriend. I got upset and told her off. Not only had I warned her about this boy, but I only found out about her and Femi in January when he told me. It ended up being a big argument, and we stopped being close after that.

    Have you guys spoken since then?

    Not really. We occasionally run into each other because we have mutual friends, but we’re just cordial now. It stings for me because I can’t believe we lost our friendship because of a guy.

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    What about Femi? Are you guys still friends?

    No, I cut him off. His emotional irresponsibility cost me a good friend, and I just didn’t feel safe introducing anyone else to him. I don’t have that many friends, so losing them actually disrupts my life.

    If Aisha wanted to get close to you again, is that something you’d be open to?

    I’m not sure. I miss our friendship, but trying to blame me for her own choices was a bright red flag for me. Also, giving up on our friendship because a relationship with a guy that went sour is a flimsy reason. I want friends who I know will stick with me even in dire situations. I’m not sure that’s who Aisha is.

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  • I like to think of the institution of marriage the same way I think about the multiverse. For every story about a shitty marriage, there is a marriage out there flourishing and being enjoyed so much by its participants that they can’t believe how lucky they’ve gotten.  Whether it’s because they realised they don’t have to conform to society’s definition of marriage or they got to a point where they don’t have to perform for each other, the reason doesn’t matter. All that matters is that they’re happy. 

    We asked a couple of Nigerians to share the moments that made them pause and realise that this marriage thing sweet die.

    “I realised my husband doesn’t need me to cook” — Fimi*, 28, F

    After being married for a year, one of Fimi’s favourite moments was realising that her husband doesn’t need her to stress herself cooking.

    “I grew up doing all the chores, and grew to hate them, especially cooking. When I started my career, I leaned into paying for convenience. During our courtship, I told him I’d easily resent him if I were required to cook, and he said he didn’t need me to cook because life is not that hard.

    We got married, and I was cooking fairly regularly. I just felt like I wasn’t being a good wife if we ate out most of the time. One day, we were talking about our feeding budget, and I got defensive because it was higher than if I had cooked more. He looked at me confused, and at the end of that conversation, I realised that the confusion was not from a ‘man-no-dey-enter-kitchen’ side but more that he genuinely doesn’t care if I don’t cook. As far as he’s concerned, I lose time cooking anyway.

    When I realised that I don’t have to feel bad because I don’t cook often, I felt a relief I can’t describe. When he feels like cooking, he cooks, and he always makes enough for two, even when I’m not hungry. Plus, he’s really good at it. Marriage sweet die when you’re married to someone who treats you like a peer.”

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    “My wife taught me that I could relax around her” — Chike*, 37, M

    Chike has been married for four years, but one of his favourite moments came after a particularly hard day of work in the first year.

    “I grew up in a home where the men were always ‘on’. The role of the man was to hustle and provide. When my wife and I started dating, I presented myself as the guy who could handle everything.

    Eight months into our marriage, I came home from work one day exhausted. I had a lot on my plate and still planned to work into the night. My wife took one look at me and said, ‘Babe, go and sleep. Everything else can wait.’ She literally closed my laptop, dragged me to bed, spoon-fed me dinner and covered me with a duvet. I slept like a baby that night. By the time I woke up the next morning, she’d made breakfast and even laid out what I would wear to work that day.

    That’s still one of my favourite moments to date. It was when I realised I didn’t have to perform for my wife, I could lean on her when things got tough for me. Since then, I just keep thinking, ‘Ah, I really married well.’”

    “The way he responded to our first big fight let me know he was my forever person” — Dara*, 31, F

    For Dara, even though she’s been married for three years, the moment she realised she genuinely enjoyed marriage came on the heels of their first big fight.


    “We were barely six months in, and we had this huge argument over our finances. I was already shutting down emotionally, waiting for the kind of flippant responses I’d gotten used to hearing in my past relationships.

    Instead, that night as we were prepping for bed, my husband sat me down and said, ‘I don’t want us to sleep until we resolve this.’ I didn’t even know how to argue again because no one had ever tried to actually talk things through with me so intentionally.

    That day, something inside me softened. I realised I was married to a man who saw disagreements as problems we solved together, not something to be won by either party. I knew right then that we were going to last forever.”

    “My husband assured me he’ll say ‘no’ for me if it gets too hard to handle” — Bimbo*, 42, F

    In her eighteen years of experience as a wife, Bimbo is constantly reminded that marriage is sweet when she remembers that her husband will also help her say no.

    “During the early years of my marriage, I ran myself ragged trying to accommodate everyone from my own family to my in-laws. It made me especially irritable during the holidays or when we had events. This was because I would make sure that we housed some of the guests, and I made myself the catering supervisor, so I hardly enjoyed any family parties.

    When I was pregnant with my second child in 2011, we had to travel to Ondo State for a family event. I was sorting out catering over the phone, and I got so frustrated that I burst into tears. When my husband asked why, I told him how stressful it was for me to oversee the catering at the events, and I didn’t want his family to see me as lazy or uninvolved. He told me I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want to do, and right there, he called one of his younger cousins to sort out the catering. He also said if I was afraid of turning anyone down, I should send them to him, and he’d take the job of saying ‘no’ from me.

    Since then, he has made sure I only do the lightest work possible at family events, and I enjoy myself to the max at every event. I feel that joy every time I find myself relaxing at an event that would usually have left me feeling tired and exhausted.”

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    “People like my wife so much that they give me special treatment” – James*, 62, M

    In his twenty-nine years of marriage, James has experienced the benefits of being married to someone with a great personality.

    “There are many moments in my time as a married man that made me know that marriage is sweet. My wife is a woman of excellent character, and she has an amazing, accommodating personality that makes people treat me well as a result.

    Once, in 2005, I was negotiating with a provisions seller over some goods I wanted to buy. I felt like I wasn’t getting a reasonable price, so I called my wife to find out how much she thought I should pay for them. When I said her name, the seller immediately perked up, ‘Is that Sewa* you’re talking to?’ I said ‘Yes, she’s my wife’ and the entire tone of the negotiations changed. Apparently, my wife had helped her pay her sibling’s school fees a few years back. She raved about how nice my wife was and gave me a fantastic price on all the things I  bought.

    That wasn’t the last time. There have been several more occasions where I have gone to a place with my wife and gotten preferential treatment because she had helped people in the past or because they are drawn to her warm personality. She’s like a mini celebrity in our neighbourhood. Each time I get a freebie because of my relationship with her, I feel so lucky, and it makes me happy to be her husband.”

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    READ NEXT: My Friendship Fell Apart Because of a Prophecy

  • Morayo*(28) and Motun* (28) became friends as first-year students in university and built a bond that survived into adulthood.

    But their friendship started to disintegrate after Morayo introduced Motun to her childhood friend, Tomi*, and they both joined Tomi’s online prayer group. Almost immediately, the dynamics shifted and subtle religious manipulation slowly pushed the women apart, leaving their nearly decade-long friendship hanging by a thread.

    This is Morayo’s story as told to Betty:

    I love my religion, and I love God, but if you’d told me that it would destroy a  friendship I’d had for almost ten years, I wouldn’t have believed you.

    Motun and I met in 2014 in 100L. We didn’t become close immediately, but over time, we got closer and formed a friend group with another coursemate. Even in that trio, Motun and I were tighter and shared everything with each other. By our final year, we’d grown so close that our families knew about our friendship. After school, when we served in Ibadan, I visited her every weekend.

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    Before Motun, there was another childhood friend, Tomi*, in the picture and because I like people around me to get along, I introduced Motun and Tomi in 2017. It felt like an easy, natural blending of my school life and home life.

    Not too long after, Tomi said she felt led to start a prayer group and asked if I was interested. I admired her fervour and joined the group. Each week, we gathered online to pray together and share the word of God; I really enjoyed the sense of community.

    Then one day in 2020, during a call, Motun mentioned she was struggling spiritually and wanted to take her prayers more seriously. Tomi’s prayer group immediately came to mind, and I suggested she join. At first, everything went well. She joined our weekly prayer sessions, studied the Bible with us, and soon started to feel better about her spiritual life. 

    Things took an unexpected turn around the Valentine’s Day celebration in 2021. Tomi had grown in her spiritual life and tagged herself a prophetess. She’d share personal visions with members in the prayer group during weekly prayer sessions.

    One day in June 2021, she prophesied that Motun’s “God ordained” husband was in the prayer group and that if she didn’t marry him, she would face personal setbacks. The problem? Motun already had a boyfriend. In the days and weeks that followed, the prophecy left her uneasy. I tried to persuade her, adding that she should let time test whatever she heard, but she wouldn’t budge. Instead, she tried to pull away from our friendship.  She threw herself into the prayer group, trying to make sense of the prophecy. I’d never seen her so scared.

    As weeks passed, Tomi kept pressuring her about meeting this “ordained husband”. She even started pestering me. She once called, asking why Motun wasn’t taking the prophecy seriously and insinuating that she was dating her boyfriend because he had money. It felt inappropriate. I defended Motun and said she was taking her time.

    I became sceptical because the so-called ‘God ordained husband’ was close friends with Tomi. I suspected she was misusing her influence to matchmake them.

    By December 2021, I was shocked to find out Motun had ended things with her boyfriend and started dating the guy Tomi pointed out. I thought it was weird, but I kept quiet so I wouldn’t seem like someone against “God’s plan” for her life.

    Meanwhile, Tomi’s prophecies got wilder. In one session, she claimed I had to start attending my childhood church again or I wouldn’t find a husband. I ignored it. But when she later said God was angry with me for not doing it, that was my last straw. I left the group and cut Tomi off. I tried to keep things cordial with Motun because I still saw her as my best friend.

    But after I left, my friendship with Motun became strained.  Our conversations became short, dry, and she seemed distant. When I tried to visit her, she’d say she wasn’t around. Even my family noticed. She missed my family functions, and when my mum called her to ask why, she gave flimsy excuses.

    My family kept encouraging me to reach out, but no matter what I tried, she only responded coldly. It felt like she had already detached.

    Things collapsed completely in June 2022. On my birthday, she sent a very formal message and ended it by asking whether I would heed Tomi’s prophecy about returning to my childhood church so I could find a husband.

    I ignored that part and teased her about sounding so serious.  Instead of laughing, she got offended and accused me of saying she didn’t know how to communicate properly. I tried to explain it was a joke, but she remained angry and stopped talking to me entirely. I felt hurt and confused.

    While I dealt with that, Tomi grew more vindictive. She still attended our childhood church and started spreading rumours about my mum and me. She said I lied about the prayer group and that my mum was spreading those lies. I warned her to stop mentioning my mum, but by then it was too late. Church members stopped greeting me during holiday services. I felt ostracised. I deleted their numbers, blocked them on social media and walked away. I regretted ever letting Tomi into my friendship with Motun.

    ***

    Almost two years passed, and in May 2024, out of nowhere, Motun texted me, “Hi”. I was shocked and felt tempted to ignore it, but I’d missed our friendship. I responded, and she apologised, saying how she wanted us to reconcile. It didn’t feel like before, but I was willing to give our friendship another chance.

    I asked why she cut me off so harshly two years ago. That was when she revealed Tomi had been feeding her gossip and insinuating it came from me. Tomi told her I said she liked dating Yahoo boys, which was false. I told her the truth, and we resolved it. She asked if I would attend her wedding in December if she invited me. I said yes.

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    I was heavily involved in the planning and preparations for her wedding. Our friendship felt like old times again. It was as if all the time we’d spent apart was just a blip in the timeline of our sisterhood. Funny enough, I saw Tomi at the wedding and pretended I’d never met her. I was determined not to enter her drama again.

    After the wedding, my friendship with Motun deepened again. When my sister had a baby in January 2024, I posted the news, and Motun reached out. She said she felt torn about trying for a baby because her older sister had been trying with no luck.

     I know how society treats women searching for the fruit of the womb. As support, I introduced her to the Hallelujah Challenge, and we included her sister in our prayer points.

    I thought this religious connection strengthened our bond, but a few weeks later, her energy changed again for no reason. This time, I refused to beat myself up about it. I was going through a challenging phase with my health and my job, and I refused to hold space for someone who wouldn’t speak up.

    My cousin later told me she suspected Motun was pregnant after seeing her WhatsApp status.  Motun never told me, even after confiding in me earlier. That silence hurt more than I expected. It made me realise our reconciliation was only surface-level. She had moved on, and maybe I needed to accept that. 

    I didn’t reach out to congratulate her. Not because I was angry, but because I didn’t want her to force anything. There was a time when we told each other everything. Trying to recreate that now feels fake.

    Looking back, I blame Tomi for most of what happened. I believe she was jealous of the bond Motun and I shared, which was why she sowed so much discord between us.

    Today, I’m cordial with Motun but distant. I busy myself with my life and my faith. I don’t force friendships, and I’ve accepted that not every reconciliation leads to a happy ending. I still miss what Motun and I used to share, but I’ve accepted that our friendship will never be like how it used to be before.

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    READ NEXT: Sunken Ships: I Didn’t Want To Do Fraud

  • Sunken Ships is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.

    When Damola* (26) tried to get some help from his friends when he was in a tight spot, their mocking response made him reconsider whether the friendship was worth continuing at all.

    In this Sunken Ships, he shares how he joined his friend group and how he came to the painful decision to end their friendship.

    What moment made you realise that your friendship had gone downhill?

    I tried to borrow some money from my friends because I was in a tough spot, but instead of helping me out, they mocked me, and that spelt the end of our friendship. It hurt me a lot.

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    Take me back to the beginning. How did you become friends with them?

    I met them in my first year at the Polytechnic, Ibadan* in 2015. Tife*, John*, Tobi* and I bonded over our shared love for football and became very close after a few months. It helped that we were in the same hostel. It meant we spent a great deal of time together.

    How would you describe the dynamics of your friendship?

    We were very close. We went to school together every day, relied on each other, shared our resources when we had them, and even our families knew how close we had become. I really thought that we would stick together through school, and beyond but that wasn’t the case.

    What changed?

    A rift began to grow between me and the others in the group when they became involved in internet fraud.

    How did that happen?

    In January 2016, after the Christmas break, Tobi came to school flaunting a new iPhone. We were all surprised and thought he had received it as a Christmas gift, but he said he had bought it himself.

    Did you ask how he got the money?

    Yes, but he only gave vague answers about how a ‘friend’ abroad had sent it to him. After class that day, we tried to press him for more information about the phone.

    How did he respond?

    He told us about how he had learned to get money from guys online by pretending to be a girl on Snapchat. Then he raved about how lucrative it was and even offered to teach the rest of us how to do the same. The other boys were interested and took him up on his offer, but I didn’t.

    Why did you refuse?

    My conscience wouldn’t let me. I wasn’t raised to steal. I knew that I couldn’t be proud of myself doing something like that. Also, I was afraid of getting in trouble with the police.

    Okay, what happened after that?

    The boy started making a lot of money very quickly. They spent it on girls, clothes, shoes, and gadgets. Their popularity at school soared overnight.

    Did any of your parents or people in authority ask where all this extra money was coming from?

    We were away from home, so our parents didn’t notice the boys’ sudden lifestyle changes. Only John’s mum asked once when he paid for his younger brother’s school fees, but he told her he was doing ‘small online jobs’.

    Wow. Okay, what happened next?

    They started pressuring me to join them in the different scams they were doing. I refused each time, but I thought we could still maintain our friendship, and I would just ignore what they did. But what happened soon after made me realise that it wouldn’t be possible.

    Tell me about that.

    I needed some money to fix my laptop screen. I thought I could borrow the money from my friends, but the way they responded cut me deep.

    What did they say?

    They taunted me, saying, ‘Sebi, you said you don’t want to do what we’re doing,’ and laughed at me. I wouldn’t have minded if they had just said no, but I couldn’t stand their mockery. I eventually got the money I needed from my uncle and withdrew from the group after that.

    Did they ever try to reach out to you when you drew back?

    Only a few times. It was usually an invitation to a party or an outing, but I always found an excuse to be absent. I didn’t want to be in their company anymore. Eventually, they stopped reaching out, and I think my life was better off for it.

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    Did it hurt to leave the friendship so suddenly?

    Yes. For a few weeks after I decided to pull back from them, I was a loner. I didn’t make another proper friend till my second year in school.

    That’s wild. Do you know how they’re doing now?

    I’m not sure. All three of them dropped out in the middle of our second year. I heard that they moved to Lagos, but I focused on my schooling instead.

    Do you think you’d consider being friends again if they stopped doing fraudulent work?

    No. I think we’re better off apart. Even when they had extra resources, they mocked me instead of helping me out. Also, the fraud is hard to ignore. Those are not the kind of people I want in my life.

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  • Sometimes, life puts you in messy situations where you’re not sure if you’re doing the right thing or not. That’s what Na Me F— Up? is about — real Nigerians sharing the choices they’ve made, while you decide if they fucked up or not.

    Bose* (55) and Tayo*(34) became close friends after bonding over their shared experiences as stay-at-home mothers. However, Bose’s well-intentioned assistance to Tayo’s husband started a chain of events that has now left her questioning her choices.

    When you’re done reading, you’ll get to decide: Did Bose fuck up or not?

    Tayo and I met when I moved into my apartment with my family in 2018. She lived in the flat directly opposite mine, and as stay-at-home mums, we began to spend time together after our kids had gone off to school. 

    I was initially reluctant to throw myself into our friendship due to our significant age gap, but it didn’t prove to be an issue, and I took on a “big sister” role in Tayo’s life.

    Because of our closeness, our families also became close, and so when she complained that her husband couldn’t get a better-paying job, I asked my husband to help him find better opportunities. My husband connected hers with a new job that came with a generous salary in Abuja. Unfortunately, this became a source of strain in Tayo’s marriage.

    She felt that the new distance created by her husband’s job, along with his bigger salary, would give him the space and resources to begin cheating on her. I knew Tayo’s husband and felt that he was a good man who wouldn’t betray her, so I told her to stop thinking negatively about it and instead consider the positives that came with his job. She didn’t see things my way.

    On a trip to visit her husband in late 2019, she went to his office and accused one of his coworkers of trying to wreck her home. Her evidence? Her husband uploaded a group photo taken at the office to his Facebook page, and she had noticed the lady was standing “too close to him to be his friend”. Tayo’s husband felt embarrassed, and he also got into trouble at work, receiving a stern warning.

    When I heard about this from her husband, I was disappointed in Tayo and tried to speak to her about it, but she insisted that if she didn’t do something too drastic, her husband was bound to try to cheat on her when he was away.

    The lockdown rolled around in 2020, and our husbands couldn’t visit from Abuja as often as they used to, so we kept each other company for the most part. In September that year, I noticed that Tayo was spending more and more time with a man who owned a car dealership near the neighbourhood. 

    As a friend, I advised that it wasn’t a good look for a married woman to be spending so much time with an older bachelor, especially since it was within the neighbourhood. I was sure that tongues would soon start wagging and spreading rumours. She dismissed my concerns and didn’t take my advice seriously.

    As I predicted, rumours that Tayo and the car dealer were dating started spreading and eventually got back to her husband. When he came home for the Christmas break, they had a huge argument about it that ended with Tayo’s husband storming out of the flat and going back to Abuja. 

    I tried to de-escalate things, but Tayo confirmed to me that she was indeed dating the car dealer, and he had promised to marry her and accept her kids, too. She said they planned to relocate to Germany in January 2021, and she would file for divorce. There was nothing I didn’t say to try to convince her to change her mind, but she claimed to have lost trust in her husband and was ready to leave.

    January came, and one day, I woke up to Tayoknocking angrily at my door, accusing me of destroying her marriage. I was shocked. 

    When I asked why she’d accuse me of that,  she said the car dealer had broken up with her and had gone on with his relocation plans with another woman. She blamed my husband and me for introducing her husband to a job that led to their marriage becoming a long-distance one, which she claimed was the main source of their problems. 

    I won’t deny that I felt bad for her. I even followed her and some of her family members to visit her in-laws, to try to see if we could get her husband to forgive her and reconcile, but he refused and insisted that they go through with the divorce.

    We still live opposite each other, but our friendship has fizzled out. She no longer responds when I greet her in the mornings, and she keeps her children away from mine.

    I thought I was helping a friend out by securing a better job for her husband. Was I wrong for not considering that she would hate the distance that came with it? My husband says it was her jealousy that was her undoing, but I can’t shake the feeling that my interference also played a role.

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    READ NEXT: Nigerians Open Up On The Friendships That Saved Their Lives

  • Trigger Warning: This article makes mention/reference to instances of self-harm and mental health struggles

    Some friendships shift the entire direction of your life. They are the friends who arrive at the exact moment you’re falling apart and manage to catch you.

    For this story, Zikoko speaks with people about the friendships that saved their lives at their lowest point. 

    From providing emotional support after heartbreak to offering free accommodation, these friends came through when they were ready to throw in the towel.

    “Our friendship has become my salvation” — Vincent*,26, M 

    Vincent met his closest friend this year because their mutual friends insisted they’d get along. When they finally connected, they hit it off instantly, and their friendship has brought him back from the edge countless times.

    “Dami* and I actually met because our mutual friends consistently kept recommending us to each other. I was initially sceptical, but one of us eventually reached out — I can’t even remember who. Our first conversation turned into a passionate two-hour debate about cinema and literature. When we finally met in person last year, it was as if we had always been friends.

    They’re still saving my life. I’ve been dealing with a lot: family issues, money problems, and some very dark moments, and they’ve pulled me back from the edge more times than I can count. I can’t pinpoint a moment that stands out because they have been instrumental in saving me from myself more times than I can count. 

    There were times this year when they could tell I was about to harm myself. They preempted it and dragged me out of the darkness each time. It might not sound dramatic enough, but to me, that’s what salvation looks like.”

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    “Every time I feel like the world is against me, she reminds me I’m not alone” — Eghosa*, 25, F

    Eghosa met Timi, a friend of her crush, and what began as a tepid relationship blossomed into a friendship that has anchored her through tough times. 

    “We met on Twitter in 2018 through my crush. They were friends, and she constantly spoke about Timi, so I thought it might be good to know her. 

    My crush and I didn’t work out in the end, but you see Timi and me? We’re locked in for life. In the beginning, I thought she didn’t like me because she hardly replied to my texts, but we got over that hump, and I realised she’s my platonic soul mate.

    In 2020, after my first relationship with a woman ended, I thought I was going to die. The heartbreak was almost too much to bear, but she called me every day and talked me down during those worst moments. Every time I felt like the whole world was against me, there she was, ready to show me it wasn’t true

    When I started my business last year and was scared that nobody would support me, she was my very first customer. She spent almost ₦100k so I could believe in myself. She wasn’t even in Nigeria at the time. Each time I felt like giving up, she’d place an order or send a message reminding me I’m supported. 

    She’s one of the best things to ever happen to me. One time, someone asked why I didn’t move to her since we’re both lesbians. But  what I feel for her is kind of spiritual; romantic love isn’t enough. My life isn’t enough. Loving her saved me and kept me alive. I don’t know where I’d be without her.”

    “She housed me for eleven months when I first moved to Lagos” — Romade*, 23, F

    From an online connection to a real-life friendship, Romade shares how her friend’s intervention in her life helped set her on a positive path toward her goals.

    “We met on Twitter in 2022 and quickly became close friends. 

    At the end of 2023, I was battling post-uni exhaustion, depression and the absolute torture that was my NYSC year. My friend, whom I had never met in person, knew that I had big plans, and I just couldn’t move the needle on them. She single-handedly built me a CV from scratch and sent me opportunities from companies that offered roles I was interested in. 

    When I first moved to Lagos and was finding my feet, she housed me for 11 months. These things she did without flinching are a big part of why my life has taken a positive turn. I’m so honoured to be friends with her, and I would give her the world if I could.”

    “They created a safe space within their community for me to heal and thrive” — Cynthia*, 27, F

    Cynthia was very vulnerable after finding herself trapped in an emotionally abusive relationship and low on funds, but meeting her friend, Ayo, changed everything for the better.

    “I first connected with them on Twitter, through a random comment. Our conversations quickly blossomed into dates, allowing us to get to know each other. This past year has been incredibly challenging for me. I faced severe financial struggles and found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship that felt impossible to escape without a strategic plan. 

    During this difficult period, they stepped in and offered me both financial and emotional support. They created a safe space within their community where I could share my experiences and speak my truth. As a loner, I couldn’t have fathomed how I would’ve managed to navigate such a tough time  if I didn’t have their support. Their kindness and friendship have been a lifeline when I needed it most, and I wouldn’t trade it for anything.”

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    “My friend group is my lifeline in the middle of mental crises” — Tiolu*, 24, F

     Tiolu shares how her friends’ intentionality about her mental health saved her from being consumed by her condition.

    “I find myself in a quartet I call my small constellation. In 2021, after a painful fallout with my old friend group, I found myself completely alone. 

    That same year, I was fighting a long-standing battle with bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder. They almost swallowed me whole. I cried every day, questioned my existence, and self-harmed because it felt like the only release I had. I had even started thinking of creative ways to unalive myself. I felt alone and like I had no one to talk to. 

    But quietly, they came into my life.

    We began as a study group, with one person meeting once a week to review class material. Then it became random visits to my room and walks to class together. One person joined, then another. I honestly couldn’t tell you when the third person joined in. One day, I looked around and realised it was the four of us together.

     They’ve shown up for me so gently and consistently that I didn’t even realise I was loving being alive again. I found myself looking forward to their visits, texts, and study group to do assignments.

    Throughout that year, I was in and out of the psychiatrist’s office, exhausted from fighting and losing the fight over my own mind. On the days I couldn’t speak, they sat with me in silence. We cried together, laughed together and made very dark jokes about going together. They never got tired and never made me feel bad for being myself.

    It was the first time in a long time that I felt safe. It might’ve seemed small to them, but our silly little games kept me together. I would tell myself, ‘I promised them I’d show up, so I can’t die today.’

    I love them with all my being, every last corner of it. They became my reason to live that year, and they still are today.”

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    Here’s your next read: 5 Nigerian Men Open Up On Their Life-Changing Male Friendships

  • Sunken Ships is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.

    Yemi*(27) and Chika*(26) met online and quickly became close friends. Despite not having met in person, they shared a deep bond.

    In this Sunken Ships, Yemi shares how their friendship of over two years fell apart due to sudden distrust, disrespect and a final lie on her birthday that made her realise their friendship was never as mutual as she thought.

    What was the moment that made you realise this friendship was sinking?

    She lied to me about sending over a birthday gift to impress a guy she was seeing. When I didn’t hear from her after that, I knew our friendship was done.

    Tell me how you guys met.

    We became close on social media. She followed me on Instagram in 2023, and she would respond to my story posts, message me about personal stuff she was going through, and I’d do the same. I was always there for her when she needed me because I saw her as a true friend.

    Did you guys ever meet up to hang out?

    Not in the beginning. We lived in different cities. I’m based in Lagos, while she lived in Rivers State with her family. When she told me she was considering moving to Lagos for her service year in 2025, I was delighted. I wanted more friends who lived close by because several of my friendships are long-distance. But our first fight before we met dampened my excitement for her to move to my city.

    What was that fight about?

    It was money-related. I lent her some money, and she ghosted me even though she knew I was unemployed at the time. That was around the time she disrespected my mum as well.

    Whoa. That’s a lot, tell me what happened?

    In March 2025, she asked to borrow some money. I didn’t have much to spare because I had just quit a stressful job and I wasn’t making an income anymore, but I felt obligated to help her because she was my friend and I’d do anything to help the people I care about. When she initially borrowed the money, she swore that she would pay me the next day. But the next day turned into a week, then a month. Two months passed, and I didn’t see my money.

    Ah. Was that the first time she burrowed money from you?

    No, for the duration of our friendship, I’d help her out with some money if she were ever in a bind and tell her to pay me back when she could. I had done that a few times, so I didn’t have any issues helping her out with a loan every now and then.

    Ah. Did you ask when she’d be able to pay you back?

    Yes, I did. After the second month had passed, I called her and asked about when she would be able to pay back, but her response was cold and vague.

    How did that make you feel?

    I thought I had just caught her at a bad time and decided I’d reach out again later.

    Okay, when was the next time you reached out?

    About two weeks later, I had run out of money because I hadn’t found another job quickly enough. I had a small business on the side, but that wasn’t going well either, and I was desperate for some income. I sent Chika a message, begging her to repay the money, as it would have helped resolve several issues I was facing at the time.

    What was her response?

    She was just as cold as before, making me feel guilty for asking for my money because she was going through a hard time as well, prepping for the three-week NYSC orientation camp. It was around this time that she stopped taking my calls completely.

    Did this make you scared that she would never pay you back?

    No, I knew she wasn’t going to run away with my money, but the delay was frustrating. In June, I needed to contribute some money to help with a household repair. I remembered Chika and gave her a call to remind her about the money. I was in my mum’s room with my sister and took the call on speaker. She was very flippant about it and ended the call quickly without stating when I should expect the money. I was cool about it as usual, but her attitude annoyed my mum and my sister.

    Did they directly get involved?

    Yes, they did, even though I expressly asked them not to.

    Why didn’t you want them to interfere?

    I thought that it made me look a bit childish that my mum would have to get involved in a disagreement I was having with a friend, so I told them to let it go and that I had it under control.

    So how did they get involved?

    Well, first my mum got curious about my friendship with Chika and started asking questions about where we met, how long we had been friends and if I had gotten my money back. This scrutiny made me call Chika again a few days later, but she didn’t pick up.

    How did this make you feel?

    I was beyond frustrated. I sent her a long message about her holding on to the money she loaned was upsetting me because she knew I was having a difficult time after quitting my old job. It wasn’t as if she didn’t have the money because I saw her posting things she bought in camp on her Instagram stories, she just didn’t want to pay me back. I told her I was going to ask again and deleted her number.

    What happened after that?

    My mum asked if I had gotten my money back, and I told her to forget about it and that I would get the money from another source. My mum and sister didn’t want to let it go, though, so my sister went into my phone behind my back and took Chika’s number.

    I see, what did they do with it?

    My mum sent her some voice messages introducing herself and spoke to Chika as if she were a daughter. She told her how I was struggling and how it was unfair that she stopped taking my calls just because of a loan between friends. She urged her to reach out to me, and that was that.

    Did she call you like your mum suggested?

    Yes, but it only escalated our issues.

    How do you mean?

    She called me and angrily accused me of reporting her to my mum. It was the first time I had heard of the voice messages, so I was confused. She said that if it were the mother of a random goat that sent her those messages, she would have blocked the person, but because of our history, she only deleted my mother’s messages without listening to them. She warned me not to do it again.

    How did that make you feel?

    I was initially embarrassed because I had warned my mum and sister not to get involved. But the way Chika spoke about my mum and the fact that she didn’t even honour her with a response made me see red. She didn’t even apologise or take accountability; she was just yelling on the phone.

    So what did you do?

    I told her off sternly and asked her to pay me back my money and never to disrespect my mum or my family ever again.

    What did she do?

    She sent me back my money the next day and stopped responding to me everywhere.

    Wow, that’s cold. Did you reach out to her again?

    Yes, I did. I felt bad that we had such a nasty argument and wanted to see if we could reconcile. I gave her a call a few weeks later and asked if she had sorted her posting and accommodation in Lagos. Her reaction irritated me even more.

    What did she do?

    She didn’t respond to my message and instead put a screenshot of it on her WhatsApp status with the caption, “This one doesn’t know the kind of friend she has. Does she think I’ll come down from my high horse to apologise?”

    Omo! Did you respond to that?

    Yes, o. I immediately messaged her and scolded her for it. I thought it was wild that she would set me up for her friends to insult me without putting up the backstory of what led to our disagreement in the first place.

    How did she respond?

    She sent me a long message on Instagram apologising and asking for us to be friends again. I decided to give her one more chance, and we reconciled. Our friendship wasn’t as close as before because I found it hard to trust her, but I was willing to try again.

    Did you wax stronger after that?

    No, actually, several more small incidents increased the distance between us, but the last straw for me came on my birthday.

    What happened?

    She called me while she was visiting a guy she was seeing. She wished me a happy birthday and asked me to send her my address so she could send a gift over. I thought that was a pleasant surprise and shared my details. 

    It turned out that there was never any gift. She never followed up or shared the rider’s details. I figured out that, given her history, it was most likely that she only mentioned the gift to impress the guy she was with.

    What did you do when you came to that conclusion?

    I decided to let the friendship go. I soft-blocked her on all our social media and deleted her number. She’s toxic and an insincere person, and I can’t deal with that right now.

    Do you think you’d consider reconciling with Chika if she were to reach out?

    No, my peace of mind is very important to me, and I can’t do the mental gymnastics of constantly second-guessing if my friend is being honest with me or not.

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  • Marriage feels very different once you’re inside it. Many women walk in believing love and good intentions are enough, but living with someone long-term has a way of revealing the soft skills you don’t think about until you need them — how to communicate honestly, manage conflict without turning everything into a battle, and still hold on to who you are.

    For this piece, we asked seven Nigerian women to share one thing they wish they had known before getting married.

    “You’re living with your partner forever” — Nnenna*, 28, 

    Nnenna never expected a time when she’d feel like a visitor in her own childhood home. But that’s now her reality.

    “I wish I was more aware of what the living conditions would be like after marriage. I’m still adjusting to the fact that my husband and I are going to live together forever. It was such a big adjustment for me. Don’t get me wrong, I like it, but the reality of things didn’t dawn on me until I wanted to visit my mum and I realised I was a visitor. I was shook.” 

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    “Marriage will expose every insecurity you’ve avoided” — Timi*, 28

    Timi’s been married for six years and the biggest thing she wish she had known?   How vulnerable that level of closeness to someone else made her.

    “I didn’t realise how much childhood wounds and old traumas show up in partnership. Especially when I was pregnant with our first baby, every physical insecurity I had tried to bury sprung up with a vengeance. I’m glad I married someone I trusted, but I still felt so naked tackling those insecuritues with him. 

    I wish I’d known just how much of you your partner would need to see in marriage.”

     “Financial transparency is not optional” — Mariam*, 62, married for 32 years

    After 32 years of walking the path of marriage, Mariam still wishes she had been more insistent on financial transparency.

    “When I got married in 1993, I believed that since my husband was the sole provider, I didn’t need to concern myself with the financial workings of the house, but I was wrong. My husband had poor spending and saving habits that took us from being comfortable to almost poor. We’ve been struggling to recover since. It really affected our children, and I hated that. 

    I wish I had asked more questions about the financial side of things or gotten more involved.”

     “Being a good wife doesn’t mean losing yourself” — Taiwo*, 30

    Taiwo has been married for five years, and she wishes she had been told how easy it is to lose one’s identity in marriage if they aren’t intentional.

    “I entered marriage deeply in love with my husband, but I wish I’d learned the importance of keeping one’s individuality. I remember being frustrated because people kept asking if I needed my husband’s permission to do certain things, almost as if I don’t have the free will to make my own decisions.”

     “Your partner’s family is part of the package, for better or worse” — Derin*, 26

    It took only two years of marriage for Derin to realise that you don’t just get a life partner in marriage, you get the whole family.

    “No matter how modern you both are, in-laws will shape parts of your marriage. I wish I’d taken expectations and boundaries more seriously before saying yes. It’s not that they’re bad people; we just disagree on certain life choices. 

    For instance, my in-laws believe one of my husband’s siblings or cousins should live with us year-round. I believe we need our space and they should only visit, not move in. It caused some conflict at the start of my marriage, but thankfully, we’ve found a compromise that works for everyone.”

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    “Being right is overrated” — Bunmi*, 56

    After 30 years of marriage, Bunmi wishes she had known that not every fight is about winning. Sometimes, it’s about finding a middle ground.

    “I used to argue like it was a debate club. I grew up with brothers, so I enjoyed winning arguments. It caused so much friction in the first decade of my marriage. Eventually, I had to learn that not every fight or argument is for ‘winning’;  sometimes, you just need to air your grievances and move on. Losing the mood or the intimacy isn’t worth it when you’ll still have something to argue about in the future. Choose the battles that matter and leave the ones that don’t.”

    See what other people are saying about this article on social media.

    Help Shape Nigeria’s Biggest Love Report! We’re asking Nigerians about relationships, marriage, sex, money, and everything in between. Your anonymous answers will become a landmark report on modern Nigerian love. Click here to take the survey. It’s 100% anonymous.

    READ ALSO: 5 Nigerian Women on the Frequency of Sex Before and After They Got Married

  • There’s this long-standing idea that men only respond to toughness, stoicism and all the loud parts of masculinity. But that’s not always the truth; men want love, reassurance and softness just as much as anyone else.

    For International Men’s Day, we asked 10 Nigerian men to share what they truly desire in love and how they want to receive care in their romantic and platonic relationships.

    “I want the space to be vulnerable without fear” — Timothy*, 27

    For Timothy, love and vulnerability in a safe environment define what love means to him.

    “Being loved means I can open up to my partner and be vulnerable without feeling like I’ve made a wrong choice. 

    I wish women knew that I love how I am treated when I see the same level of energy and enthusiasm I give. I hate feeling like a second option or replacement. If I get the same vim I’m giving out, I feel like that connection is special.

    I feel most cared for when my partner or friend comes through for me when I need their help. If I can count on you when it matters, it tells me you really rate me.

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    “I’m a simple man; I don’t need the grandest efforts to feel loved” Abraham*, 30

    For Abraham, love doesn’t have to be grand over the top as long as it feels safe and nurturing.

    “Being loved feels like a warm hug for my soul; like having a safety net that’s always there, catching me when I fall. It’s the comfort of knowing the people I consider intimately have my back, no matter what.

    I like to think of myself as a simple man who doesn’t require the grandest effort to make me feel loved. This means I love the way I want to be loved. Sadly, this doesn’t always translate well, since everyone has their own love language. However, I’ve been intentional about communicating this as often as possible with the women—platonic and romantic—in my life. It’s been a work in progress; love itself requires constant nurturing and tweaking to accommodate the feelings of the people experiencing it.”

    “I want to be gifted more” — Lore*, 25

    For Lore, the best way to his heart is through a thoughtful gift from the women he holds dear.

    “I like gifts a lot. I feel like a lot of the women in my life think I want to be told it’s okay to cry or be more vulnerable. I don’t think that’s the best way to celebrate my existence as a man. To me, it’s lazy. Gifts do it better for me. 

    If I feel supported — financially and emotionally — and I’m with someone with effective communication, there’s not much more I desire in a relationship.”

    “Loving men requires more intentional work” — Tony*, 24

    Tony believes that for men to feel more comfortable expressing their emotions, they need to be given signals that it’s safe to do so.

    “I believe that loving men often requires a little more intentional clarity than just telling them ‘Be more vulnerable.’ Many men feel deeply, but don’t always have the language to express those feelings, so small, steady signals mean a lot. 

    Consistency, genuine appreciation, and a safe space to relax where I don’t have to perform strength matter to me. I don’t need grand gestures; I just need to know my presence matters and my efforts aren’t invisible. I need to know that it’s okay for me to be soft when necessary without a question tag on my masculinity.”

    “Kindness and love are intertwined for me” — Murewa*, 28.

    For Murewa, love, kindness and accountability are closely knitted and shape what he looks for in love.

    “To love me is to be kind to me. I despise assholes who find it hard to take accountability or apologise for their questionable behaviours. These people would rather make excuses because they’ve grown used to getting away with it. They have no place in my life.

    I love in my love language, and I’m willing to learn theirs and give my 100%. All I ask in return is that you give me 100% too. Be expressive and show kindness. Don’t be self-centred or snobbish. People can care and still be all these things, which I find mind-boggling. Many relationships have ended because of this. ”

    “I wish women knew that loving physical touch doesn’t translate to sex” — David*, 27

    All David wants in a relationship is emotional support and good food.

    “I feel most loved when my partner believes in me, cares for me and supports me and loves physical touch. I especially enjoy it when I have similar interests and hobbies as my partner; it just makes things easier for me. 

    I wish more women understood that loving physical touch doesn’t always mean it has to end in sex. I just enjoy non-sexual physical intimacy with my friends and romantic partners.”

     “When I’m appreciated by my loved ones, I feel seen” — Bolu*, 31

    Bolu wishes the women in his life knew that, even if it doesn’t always look like it, he’s trying his best.

    “Being loved and appreciated by my loved ones makes me feel seen and is one of the many ways I define love. I wish the women in my life knew I’m trying my best even when it doesn’t look like it. Past hurt and trauma have influenced some of my past actions, but I’m genuinely trying. It would be nice to receive some acknowledgement as a form of encouragement to continue on this path.”

    “Consistency makes me feel cared for” — Toluwani*, 29

    Toluwani believes love looks like grace, and he feels most cared for when the support he gives others comes back to him with the same consistency. 

    “For me, love feels like grace. It’s when someone chooses not to assume the worst about me in a moment where they easily could. When they see me on a rough day, they treat it as what it is — a rough day. It also looks like space: the freedom to be unsure, to say what I mean without rehearsing it first. It makes me human in a way I don’t always permit myself to be: living, breathing, still growing. 

    Much of what I do stems from a simple place: I give because it feels natural to me. Being useful — offering help, stepping in quietly, doing small things that make someone’s day easier — is my way of showing care. There’s no hidden motive in it. I’m not keeping scores. It wears me down when I’m treated like there must be. 

    That consistency makes me feel cared for. I appreciate knowing what to expect and feeling confident in someone’s patterns. When my partner is steady and predictable in how they show up, it gives me one less thing to worry about. It’s the reliability that lets me relax. It tells me I don’t have to brace myself.”

    “Just because I want some space doesn’t mean I don’t love you” — Ibrahim*, 27

    For Ibrahim, nothing beats the security of feeling loved and valued by the people around him.

    “I always think of genuine happiness when I think of love. Knowing someone truly cares tells me they value me, and that comes with the knowledge that they want the best for me. That sense of security makes everything feel better.

    This also applies to the women in my life. I wish they knew that I still care deeply for them, even when I need some space. With me, silence doesn’t translate to unreciprocated love.

    I feel cared for when the women in my life show up during hard times. It’s another way to show that you value me.”

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    “Supporting my interests shows that you know me, and I love that” — Adesoji*, 30

    Adesoji shares how his wife’s intuitive support of his interests immediately made him feel safe and loved.

    “You know when, as a kid, something bad happens and your parent soothes you? That’s how being loved feels, a deep comfort. Protected. Reassured. 

    I wish more women would try to figure out other people’s love languages. I did that with my wife. You should ask yourself, ‘How does this person love, and how do they express love?’ Sometimes, a person who loves gifts might express their love through acts of service. It’s important to always seek clarity of intentions..

    During our early years, I once visited her in a different city, and she planned a visit to a museum for me. I hadn’t asked, but she knew my love for history and culture, and knew exactly what I would enjoy. It showed that she cared and wanted me to be happy. That’s exactly what makes me feel cared for in a relationship: careful consideration.”

    See what other people are saying about this article on social media.

    We’re surveying Nigerians about their real experiences with relationships—the good, the bad, the complicated. Whether you’re single, married, divorced, or somewhere in between, your story matters.

    This anonymous survey will help us create Nigeria’s most comprehensive report on modern love. Click here to participate.

    READ ALSO: 5 Nigerian Men Open Up On Their Life-Changing Male Friendships

  • For many queer people in Nigeria, relationships don’t end only because feelings fade. Sometimes, partners walk away to pursue straight relationships that feel safer or more acceptable to their families and society. In a country where heterosexuality is often seen as the only acceptable option, queer relationships can feel fragile and easy to abandon.

    In this story, queer Nigerians open up about a specific kind of heartbreak: losing a partner not because the love faded, but because they chose, or felt pressure to choose, heterosexuality. 

    “She became afraid of what we shared” — Jolade*, 25, Bisexual

    Jolade shares how her first big love fizzled out after her ex couldn’t face the reality of her sexuality and pulled back.

    “I met my former partner two years ago at church. We were part of the social media team and paired to work on a project together. In the process, we became close. We hung out even after the project ended, and it eventually morphed into something else.

    We both knew we were queer before meeting,  but that was the first queer relationship either of us had been in. It went well at first, but when we got physical, she began to pull away.

    She claimed she felt guilty about what we were doing, and insisted God wasn’t happy with us. Then she said she didn’t want to like it too much and had to stop and get with a guy while she still could — whatever that meant. We officially broke up after a year,  although things between us ended long before then.

    I was hurt for a long time after we fizzled out. I tried to shut down the part of me that liked girls, but it didn’t work. It’s been a long road to accepting myself and trying to reconcile my faith and sexuality. It’s an ongoing and perhaps lifelong process. I haven’t found closure yet. I think a door is still open in my mind for her because she was my first great love. I’m not holding my breath that she’ll come back, though.”

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    “She told me she was getting married to a man” — Rukayah*, 25, Non-binary pansexual 

    Rukayah shares the heartbreak they felt when their ex told them she was getting married on the day of her wedding.

    “My ex and I met at university. Her room was right next to mine, and we bonded over our shared love for movies and our favourite celebrities. We became best friends, and I got comfortable enough to come out to her. She came out to me as bisexual in return. 

    A short while later, we realised we had feelings for each other and started a casual sexual relationship. I didn’t think my feelings for her were so strong, but after she graduated a year before I did, I realised I wanted to make her mine. So, I asked her out, and we started dating.

    I noticed things were off when she’d say she wished I were a chishet man, so everything will be a lot easier, ’ or talk about how scared she felt to enter the relationship because she’s the first daughter of her muslim parents. They’d expect marriage from her as soon as she graduated. I didn’t think too deeply about it because I know how hard it is to be queer in a place like Nigeria. 

    Then, in May 2023, she ghosted me. I started to worry about her safety, especially her mental health. One day, I woke up to a 3:00 a.m. message from her saying she was having her wedding introduction later that day, she didn’t know how to tell me, and she was sorry. 

    I was her best friend, but she never mentioned any man. I didn’t know if there had ever been a proposal or an official engagement.

    I was gutted. A part of me always worried about our future as queer people living in Nigeria. It made me wonder where we’d end up. I stopped dating bisexual women who partner with cishet men after that. It made me develop bad insecurity and trust issues.

    I don’t think I’ve gotten any closure from that experience.  My ex wasn’t willing to talk about it after she apologised for hurting me and being selfish. I had to do the work of healing and coming to terms with the entire experience on my own. Fortunately, I’m the kind of person who loves love, and I’ve had the opportunity to love and experience some awesome people as a result. ”

    “I saw him with his girlfriend on campus” — Emeka*, 28, Gay

    Emeka recalls how his ex hurt him by not giving him the courtesy of a break-up message.

    “We met at school and got close when we took the same elective course in our third year. After class, we’d walk back to my hostel cafeteria for lunch, and soon we started hanging out  even when we didn’t have that course.

    I was attracted to him from the start, and I tried to hide it, but he constantly flirted with me when we were alone. One day, he visited my apartment off campus, and we had sex. It was amazing for me. We weren’t officially together, but we spent a lot of time together and saw each other at least once or twice a week for the rest of our third year.

    When we resumed for final year, I suddenly couldn’t reach him. He stopped visiting and ignored my messages and calls. I started to worry because I didn’t know his friends or how else to reach him. During that resumption week, as I headed to class, I saw him walking with a babe. I waved at him, and he just looked away like he didn’t see me.

    It stung, I won’t lie. I felt disposable. I still tried to contact him just to get some closure. I wanted him to at least say we were through, but he just blocked me. After that, it became tough for me to open up again. I didn’t even try to date anyone until after I graduated. I still have trust issues. I don’t fuck with bisexual or pansexual men at all. I think there’s a part of me that’s still afraid of getting dumped without a hint of care.”

    “She seemed removed from her sexuality” — Sarah*, 25, Bisexual

    Sarah shares how her first girl crush opened her eyes to her bisexuality and how she handled it when she chose another guy over her.

    “We met in school, and I was always attracted to her, but I hadn’t yet accepted that I liked women. We went to a party together off-campus, and I remember hoping I’d get to kiss her during a kissing game. She came with a guy she was seeing, but I didn’t mind because I liked him too.

    After that, we became friends who sometimes made out, but nothing more. In public, she spent more time with the guy. I still liked her, but the more we talked, the more I noticed that she had distanced herself from her queerness, and that’s not where I am at all. 

    I’m comfortable with my sexuality and don’t feel any need to compensate or hide. I’ve moved on and kept exploring my options. The experience with her didn’t really affect how I saw myself or my identity. I was hurt when I realised that she wasn’t going to choose me, but that was about it.”

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    “She popped out on Instagram with a boyfriend” — Wura*, 24, Non-binary Lesbian

    Wura shares how their situationship ended when their ex started dating a guy out of fear of being outed.

    “I met her at a party off campus, and we were immediately drawn to each other. She told me she was bisexual and joked that I’d ruin her for boys after we kissed. She was still deep in the closet when we started our situationship. She didn’t like me touching her in public, but I thought she was just being careful because of how homophobic people can be, especially in the North.

    One day, during a visit to her hostel, her roommates were joking about the way I  dressed and asked her if I was her husband. She laughed, but I felt something change between us after that. She started pulling back and took longer and longer to respond to my messages. Then, one day, she stopped replying altogether.. 

    I’d already started to worry after a week of no contact when one of our mutual friends sent me a link to her post. She’d hard-launched a boyfriend on her page. 

    It felt like whiplash. I tried to reach out to her for an explanation, but she just kept saying she was sorry. I got upset and blocked her everywhere for my peace of mind. I’m not sure if I’ve gotten closure from that split. We weren’t even official, so it feels like mourning something that never was. 

    It made me feel a bit insecure, but I’ve since overcome that, thanks to my community. I understand her fear, though. I just wish she’d tried to talk to me about it so we could end things properly. It hurt, but thankfully, I’m over it.”

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