Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
Gbenga* (28) and Temilade* (27) met in a university WhatsApp group in 2021.
On this week’s Love Life, they talk about an NYSC posting that cost Temilade ₦100k and never materialised, the public callout that followed, and the unexpected feelings that slipped through the crack.
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What’s your earliest memory of each other?
Temilade: It was 2021, in a WhatsApp group for university students from different schools. People used it to make friends and share updates about opportunities. I was a silent observer and rarely typed anything, but I noticed Gbenga because he was very active. He led conversations, shared information, and always had something to say.
Gbenga: I didn’t even know Temi was in the group until she showed up in my DM one random day. In a group that big, you mostly notice the people who talk a lot, and Temi barely participated. I think the first thing I said after I got her message was, “Who is this?” I know it sounds rude, but it wasn’t my intention. Plus, she didn’t even try to introduce herself from the jump. She started with “Hello”, and I must have rolled my eyes when nothing else followed.
Curious, what made you message him, Temilade?
Temilade: Some of us were getting ready for NYSC mobilisation, and everyone was talking about where they wanted to serve. Gbenga had mentioned a few times that he was serving in Lagos, and when others said it was almost impossible to be posted there, he always said it was possible. At the time, I really wanted to serve in Lagos too, even though my parents weren’t keen on it. They worried that I didn’t know anyone there. Still, my mind was made up. I’d heard that most people who served in Lagos knew someone who made it happen. So I sent Gbenga a message asking if he could help me.
Gbenga: When she told me she was from the group, I relaxed and became more welcoming. I can’t remember exactly what I said next, but I knew my tone changed completely, and I became very friendly.
Then she told me she wanted to serve in Lagos and needed help. I first told her that I’d only been posted to Lagos by chance and I couldn’t do anything for her. But that wasn’t the actual story.
Oh.
Gbenga: I had a family member who helped me, and he’d warned me never to tell anyone. However, he’d still helped two other people over time, but he didn’t want it to become a thing. Temilade was very insistent, though, and I could see she really needed it, so I told her I’d come back to her.
About a week later, I spoke to my relative, and he promised to help. I told Temilade the cost was 100k.
Temilade: To be honest, I thought it was a lot of money. But I’d been saving, and I was prepared for it. I also felt I could trust Gbenga, because so many people in the group knew him and he was so active there. I didn’t think someone like that would just disappear. So I paid.
And how did the posting turn out?
Temilade: Entirely far from what I wanted. I was posted to Osun state. I messaged Gbenga the same day I found out to ask what happened, and he stopped replying.
Gbenga: I was disappointed too. My relative couldn’t pull it through, and by then I’d already spent the money. I planned to refund Temi, but a lot was going on for me personally at the time. I kept seeing her messages, but I didn’t have her money, so I didn’t know what to say. So I took the very easy route of ignoring.
Temilade: At that point, I’d spoken to a few people around me, and everyone told me I’d been scammed. NYSC posting scams were very common then, and I felt foolish for falling for it. It felt like it was only after the act that I started putting the pieces together. I blamed myself for trusting him so easily. I didn’t even know what he looked like. All I had was his name and number, and the account I paid into belonged to a woman. So I knew it wasn’t his. Some other friends thought I was being too calm about the whole thing. So they told me to call him out in the group.
But was Gbenga active the whole time he was ignoring your messages and calls?
Temilade: To be honest, I wasn’t even sure. I was juggling multiple things. Camp activities were overwhelming. My phone battery was constantly low. Whenever I had access to it, there were so many messages, especially from that group, that I didn’t even know where to start checking. So I couldn’t really track his availability the way I would have loved to.
Gbenga: I was so pissed the day I saw her message. I never scammed her, and now I was being called out in front of the whole group. But I also realised how the whole thing appeared at that point. She had left dozens of messages. She left out the part where she was also calling me with different numbers.
It’s actually one of the bad habits I’m trying to walk through. I tend to run away when things get too serious or overwhelming. I’d rather pour my attention elsewhere than confront whatever is making me feel uncomfortable. My initial plan was to gather her money and respond only when I was ready to issue a refund. But the same day she called me out in the group, I replied to her and explained everything. I told her I was looking for ways to gather her money and pay her back, and I gave her two months.
Right. And did you keep that promise?
Gbenga: I wanted to, but so many other things were going on in my life that I genuinely couldn’t think about the debt. She doesn’t know this, but she wasn’t the only person I owed a debt to at the time. Hers was the smallest amount, and I guess that was why I kept putting it aside.
Temilade: I was tired of the back-and-forth. At first, I thought of just counting it as a loss. But that money was my sweat, so I decided to change my tactics. I stopped being aggressive and started sending calm messages. I even started sending him good morning prayers.
Screaming.
Gbenga: I noticed the change. Before then, I’d archived her chat because I couldn’t deal with the messages. But those prayers made it hard for me to ignore. Even if I didn’t reply, I’d see them every morning.
Curious, what exactly was going on in your life at that time, Gbenga?
Gbenga: My mum was sick and had been admitted for almost two months. It was taking a serious toll on our family. My NYSC allowance couldn’t do much, and I was also taking care of my younger brother. I felt pulled in different directions and was genuinely tired. One day, during one of my extremely low moments, Temi’s messages came in. For the first time in months, I felt a nudge to call her. She picked up, and I broke down on the phone.
Temilade: It was the first time I’d heard his voice. At first, I was actually happy, because I thought my tactic had worked and he was about to pay me. Then he started crying and told me everything he was going through. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to pay. I felt guilty afterwards, and I told him to take his time.
When I updated my friends, they said it was just another tactic, and I should apply more pressure. But something in my heart told me he was genuine.
Gbenga: Funny enough, after that call, I stopped ignoring her messages. Even when I didn’t have the money, I’d reply just to assure her I hadn’t forgotten.
I eventually paid her back in March 2022. I paid half and promised to send the rest the following month. But I lost my mum before then. Then she asked me to leave the rest of the money. By then, we’d become close, even though neither of us knew what it was yet.
Fast forward to May, she decided to attend my mum’s funeral in Ogun state, and that was the first time we met.
Temilade: When I saw him, I knew he wasn’t someone who could scam me. He has this childish, innocent look, which, I admit, can sometimes be deceptive. But it wasn’t just his looks. Our interaction that day also felt really genuine. I don’t know if it was the grief or if he was putting up an act, but I just knew he came off as a really decent person. He kept thanking me for letting him off the rest of the money and still showing up for my family and me.
I see. So what happened after the funeral?
Gbenga: Things actually moved incredibly fast. We became very close friends, and I started to feel much more comfortable with Temilade. She likes to insist that it was my grief that made me so vulnerable at the time. And I agree. I had a close relationship with my mum, and it felt like I needed someone to fill the vacuum she’d left. But outside of that, I also felt a sense of calm around Temilade that I couldn’t explain.
Temilade: I think we eventually grew on each other. We talked all the time. I’d gone from having genuine anger and resentment for him to actually feeling pity for him. Through it all, I didn’t realise how attached I was becoming to him. I looked forward to hearing from him all the time and even took two more trips to Lagos to visit him.
Did you tell your friends about the shift in the dynamics of your relationship with Gbenga?
Temilade: I didn’t tell them that he was the same guy who “scammed” me, because they would have laughed at me. Although I told my closest friend, she thought I was a fool. We actually got into a fight because I didn’t take it lightly when she talked down to me about my decision. Her reaction was all I needed to keep whatever was happening with Gbenga private. Over the months, I got to know him, and he seemed like a genuine person. I now believe everything that happened was a misunderstanding that was leading us somewhere.
Gbenga: I asked her out in January 2023, and she said yes.
What was the relationship like in the early days?
Temilade: I think they were a mix of easy and difficult. It was a long-distance relationship, and that had its disadvantages. We wanted to see each other more than we could. However, we made it work as best we could. We planned dates, and I came to Lagos whenever I had the chance to.
Gbenga: I’ve actually never been in a long-distance relationship. I used to say I’d rather stay single than be with someone I cannot see whenever I want. Maybe that was just my young and clueless self making those statements. I think when you find your person, you’ll be willing to do anything for them.
We spent a lot of time on calls, trying to make up for not being in the same city. Luckily, we didn’t have to remain a long-distance couple for too long. Temi eventually found an opportunity in Lagos and relocated there.
Nice. Gbenga, you mentioned that you tend to disappear when things get difficult. How’s that going now that you’re in a relationship?
Temilade: That’s another challenge I forgot to mention. He’s still very much an avoidant. It’s easy to know when something is bothering him. He shuts down completely and even goes away.
The last time we had a fight, he vanished for an entire weekend. I was ready to break up with him. I’d had enough of the unexplained ghosting. If something is going on, I’d much rather my partner tell me than shut me out completely.
Gbenga: It’s never intentional. I think that’s something I’ve always told her. I’ve tried to confront my feelings in the past, and it doesn’t bode well. I get really emotional and can’t even put my thoughts together, and there are times when I’m almost moved to react physically. So that’s why I always choose silence or remove myself from the situation. I’d gotten away with it in past relationships, but it’s a major dealbreaker for Temilade. She always wants to know what’s going on.
But we’ve been finding our balance. The last fight she mentioned really brought me around. I realised she was serious about leaving, and I couldn’t bear to see that happen. I don’t think there’s anyone else I want to spend my life with. So if I need to do the work to become better, I’ll do it or keep trying.
Fair enough. You guys have had quite the rollercoaster romance. What would you say is the best thing about being with each other?
Gbenga: She trusted me when she had every reason not to. After everything that happened, she still gave me grace, and I don’t take that for granted. As I said, she’s my person for real.
Temilade: He’s honest. Even at his lowest point, he told me the truth about what he was going through, and I think that’s what made me trust him. We’ve been together almost four years, and we’re planning to get married soon. I can’t wait to see that happen.
Gbenga: It was supposed to happen this year, but we still need to put a few things in place. We both know it’s coming.
Got it. And how would you rate your love life on a scale of 1-10?
Temilade: 8. We still have a lot of work to do before we make a 10.
Gbenga: 9. It’ll be a 10 when we get married.
*Names have been changed to protect the identity of the subjects.
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