Author: Nwachukwu Marisvega

We’re taught that family is where we should feel most loved and supported. But when parents clearly favour one child, it can leave the others feeling like they’ll never measure up.

We asked five Nigerians what it was like growing up in the shadow of a sibling who always seemed to come first. From watching parents make exceptions for a “golden child” to being expected to raise younger siblings, these are their stories of resentment, jealousy and the hurt of feeling unchosen.

“I’ve always lived in my brother’s shadows” — Tomi, 23, M

I hate my brother. Not because he’s done anything wrong. He’s actually really sweet. I just can’t stop resenting him for being the child my parents seem to prefer.

He’s smarter and better at almost everything. He wrote JAMB once and got in. I wrote twice and never heard the end of it. He was always first or second in class, while I hovered around fourth or fifth and became the “dumb” one.

Eventually, my parents stopped expecting much from me. It looks like freedom from the outside, but it hurts because I wanted their approval.

Now they’re planning to send my brother to Canada. When I asked what they had planned for me, they asked what I was going to do there.

Sometimes, I catch myself praying that his visa gets rejected. I even want to ruin it for him. I know how terrible that sounds, but I’m tired of always feeling like the second choice.

“I watched my brother live the life I couldn’t have” — Abdul, 26, M

There’s no doubt my brother is the favourite child. I tried to accept it because I thought favouritism was normal in every family. Then my father showed me exactly how different the rules were for us.

I once told him I wanted to attend an Army school. He immediately said no. It was too expensive, and he had plenty of reasons why it wouldn’t work.

Two months later, my brother said he wanted to attend the same kind of school. Suddenly, my father was doing everything he could to make it happen. Money wasn’t a problem anymore.

My sister was angry for me, too. When I confronted my parents, they said I was being dramatic and that they simply didn’t have the money when I asked.

I remember wishing my brother would come to harm there so they’d have to live with the pain forever. I hate that I ever thought that way, but that was how angry I was.

“My mother taught him entitlement and called it being a man” — Temi, 28, F

My mother is incredibly male-centred, and growing up with my younger brother made that impossible to ignore.

He could do almost anything and get away with it, while I had to follow strict rules. If he misbehaved and I disciplined him, I was the one who got punished. Eventually, I stopped trying to correct him and left him to my mother. 

She made excuses for everything. He could curse at me and speak to me however he wanted, but the moment I responded, she’d remind me, “He’s a man. That’s how they are.” 

She washed his clothes, cooked for him, and served him. For me, it was always, “It’s in the kitchen.” 

He’s grown into an entitled, inconsiderate person, and I hate that my mother helped create him. Sometimes, when my phone rings, I secretly hope it’s the call telling me his actions have finally caught up with him.

“I resented her for a love she never asked for” — Joy, 25, F

My sister and I were never close, and growing up, it always felt like we were competing for our parents’ love.

She was the easier child. She got along with my parents, made better decisions, and somehow always knew exactly what they wanted from her. I was the difficult one; always asking questions and getting corrected. The worst part was watching my parents celebrate things about her that they barely noticed in me. 

Eventually, I stopped trying to impress them. Instead,  I started resenting my sister for being everything they seemed to want, even though she never asked to be. 

I prayed she would fail just so my parents would see she wasn’t perfect. But sometimes I wonder if we could have been closer if we weren’t raised to feel like there was only room for one of us.

“I was born their sister, but raised to be their mother” — Faith, 19, F

Try having five brothers and being the only girl. You’d think I’d be the most pampered one, but it’s the complete opposite. 

I’m the fourth of six children, yet I’m expected to play mother because I’m a girl. My mother says she handled all the boys before me, so now it’s my turn. 

As far back as I can remember, I’ve been in the kitchen serving my brothers and cleaning up after them, including the younger ones.

My breaking point came when my younger brother asked, condescendingly, why I hadn’t cooked yet. I slapped him, and somehow I was the one who got scolded for not cooking while on my period.

Sometimes, I hope they grow up completely helpless just so my mother has to deal with what she created.

 *Names have been changed to protect the identity of the subjects.