Sunken Ships is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.

Mikun* (28) first met Demi*(28) in primary school, where Demi regularly made cruel jokes about her weight and complexion. Years later, they reconnected at university.  Demi apologised for the past, and Mikun believed they could finally have the friendship she’d wanted as a child.  But it didn’t take long for the old jokes to return.

For Sunken Ships, Mikun shares how giving her childhood bully a second chance left her questioning herself all over again.

How did you and Demi meet?

We attended the same primary school, and Demi was one of the popular students in our set. Everyone wanted to be her friend, including me. I tried to get close to her, but she often made jokes about my looks, and her friends would join in. Eventually, I stopped trying. 

We left for different secondary schools shortly afterwards and lost touch.

And how did you guys reconnect?

I ran into her in one of the cafeterias at my university during my second year. I didn’t even recognise her at first, but she called my name and introduced herself. I was surprised but happy to see someone I’d known for so long. 

I also thought we were adults now, so there was no need to hold on to something that happened when we were kids. We exchanged contact information and started talking again.

Did it feel like you were finally getting the friendship you’d wanted as a child?

Surprisingly, yes. We were studying different courses, but whenever Demi had free time, she’d come to my faculty to hang out with me. She was also a constant visitor to my room in the evenings. We’d talk about our days, study together and catch up on everything we’d missed in each other’s lives. 

At some point, we even talked about how she used to make fun of my appearance in primary school. She said she didn’t remember making fun of me, but still apologised. For a while, I felt safe with her. I thought we were becoming really close. Then she started showing me that maybe she hadn’t changed as much as I thought.

Oh. What happened?

One of my roommates, Jemima*, was very popular, and because we lived together, we naturally became close. When Demi started visiting me, I introduced them, and it soon became obvious that Demi wanted to get into Jemima’s good books. 

I didn’t mind that she wanted to build new friendships with people in my circle. What bothered me was how she tried to impress Jemima. She started making the same kinds of jokes about me that she had made in primary school.

What exactly were these jokes?

In primary school, most of her jabs had been about me being a fat, dark-skinned child. She started making similar comments again. 

Once, she complimented Jemima’s outfit and said she knew how to put a look together, unlike me. Another time, Jemima was stepping out, and Demi offered her an umbrella, telling her to use it so she wouldn’t become as dark as me. 

I kept trying to dismiss the comments as harmless jokes, but each one took me back to primary school. I started feeling self-conscious about my body and complexion around her again. 

Did you speak to her about how you felt?

I did. I called her aside and told her I didn’t like being the punchline of her jokes, especially when they were about my appearance. I reminded her that her comments made me feel the same way I had felt when she and the other children laughed at me in primary school.

I thought she’d apologise, and we’d move on. Instead, she said I was too sensitive. She said I couldn’t claim to have forgiven her and then keep bringing up the past. 

I tried to explain that I wasn’t punishing her for what she’d done as a child; I was upset that she was doing it again. But she wouldn’t accept that. She kept insisting I was overreacting. Eventually, I started wondering if she was right, and I stopped bringing it up.

What made you realise you weren’t overreacting?

One day, after Demi left my room for her hostel, Jemima asked if I was genuinely okay with the way she talked about my appearance. She said she wouldn’t tolerate those comments if she were in my position. That conversation opened my eyes. Demi’s jokes weren’t harmless, and I wasn’t being too sensitive for calling them out.

She had made me question myself instead of taking responsibility for hurting me. I was angry about that, so I decided to distance myself from her.

Did she notice?

If she did, she barely brought it up.  I didn’t announce that I was ending the friendship; I just started avoiding her. If she asked to visit me, I’d tell her I was busy. I stopped taking her calls and responding to her messages. I even started attending evening mass more so I could avoid her after classes.

The change was probably sudden from her perspective, but I didn’t want another conversation where she’d convince me that I was imagining things. So I never gave her the chance to ask why I was pulling away.

Did that experience change how you relate to other friends?

For a long time, I became very sensitive to any jokes about my appearance. My friends started seeing me as overly serious because I shut down those comments immediately. I think I was afraid that laughing along would give someone the chance to bully me again. 

Do you think there’s any chance of reconciliation with Demi?

No. I’m not giving her a third chance to be my bully.

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