Manipulation in relationships rarely begins with something obvious. It often hides behind grand gestures, guilt trips, constant criticism, or control disguised as love, making it difficult to recognise until you’re already trapped in its hold.

In this article, we asked women to share what it was like to be in manipulative relationships, the red flags they overlooked, and the moments that finally pushed them to leave. 

1. “Whenever I Didn’t Want Sex, She Would Ask Me to Leave Her House” — Ella*, 25

My first girlfriend was manipulative, and at first, I never paid attention to it because before her, I’d never experienced anything romantic or sexual, even. At the time, I was dealing with a lot of religious guilt, and before we started dating, I let her know that I wouldn’t be forthcoming with sex because I was trying to work on myself, and I didn’t want her to be collateral damage. She let me know she was okay with it, but that was, unfortunately, a lie. 

With her, there were times I would be open to having sex, but there were times that the words in my head would get the best of me, and I wouldn’t be open to anything sexual. Whenever this happened, she would ask me to leave her place and give me the silent treatment for days. She would ignore calls and messages, and only “forgave” me whenever I apologised with sex. 

The first time I found out she was cheating, and I confronted her about it, she said she only started looking outside because I denied her sex. She basically made it my fault, and like a fool, I apologised to her. The silent treatment and the cheating continued to happen, and I accepted them until I started therapy. Then, my eyes opened to how stupid I was. Afterwards, I broke up with her and blocked her across all my socials. 

2. “To Get Me To Stay, He Held His Suicidal Tendencies Over Me” — Cynthia*, 35 

When I started dating my ex-boyfriend, he would say things like ‘I love you so much, I would kill myself if you ever leave me’, and for some reason, instead of seeing that as a red flag, I thought it was romantic. I didn’t know that I was in for an interesting ride with him. 

Ade*, my ex-boyfriend, was draining. He was the kind of partner who wanted to know where I was and who I was with, and if I were away from him for more than 24 hours, he would somehow guilt me into coming over. It started to become annoying, but when I decided to break up with him, he overdosed on sleeping pills, and out of concern, I went back to him because, apparently, I was ‘the only one he had in his life’. 

To get me to stay in the relationship, Ade began to hold his suicidal tendencies over me. I couldn’t even call him out on anything he did because he was quick to let me know he would kill himself if I left him, and I didn’t want someone else’s blood on my hands. I began to feel trapped in the relationship, but I couldn’t leave him. There was a time I even rejected a job with higher pay because it was going to take me to another city, and I was so scared of Ade harming himself over it. 

I stayed with him until my friends decided enough was enough and staged an intervention. Having all six of them talk sense into me until it broke through my head was my wake-up call. It wasn’t easy breaking up with Ade because I still constantly felt guilt, but having my friends behind me made things easier. It has been three years since I broke up with him, and while I’m happier than ever, I’m also taking a break from relationships. 

3. “They Made Me Feel Guilty About Having a Life of My Own” — Kemi*, 29 

My ex-partner expressed their manipulation by making me feel guilty for having a life of my own. At first, I thought it was cute that they wanted to be with me all the time, but then it became a constant thing. I would tell them I’m going out with my friends, and they would somehow guilt-trip me into coming over to their side instead by telling me they missed me so much and they loved me. I was in love with them at the time, so common sense stayed away from me. 

At some point, everyone in my life, except them, barely saw me. I work from home, so they would tell me I could just come to their place to work. Before I knew it, I barely began to see my loved ones like I usually did. If I wanted to go to my parents’ house, my ex would employ tears and tell me I didn’t love them. If I wanted to go to an event with my friends, they would choose that day to tell me they had a place they really wanted to take me to, so I would cancel on my friends. 

I didn’t even notice they’d begun to isolate me from the rest of the people in my life until the day we fought, and I realised that I couldn’t call anyone to rant about the situation. It was that moment of realisation that finally pushed me into breaking up with them. 

4. “I Let Myself Go Along With His Whims, Even the Uncomfortable Ones” — Bisi*, 21 

When I was with my ex-boyfriend, I was a weak-willed people-pleaser, so it made sense that I let myself go along with his whims, even with the ones I wasn’t comfortable with. We dated in university, and I remember when he told me he loved me three weeks after we started talking, and I thought it was nice that he was a man who knew what he wanted. I didn’t think he was going to hold that love over me. 

He would ask us to try things out and end it with ‘if you love me, you’ll do it,’ and even though I was uncomfortable with most of them, I would try them. We attended a private university that kicks out students for having sex, and yet, we would have sex in secret hideaways at night. I wasn’t comfortable with all of it, but whenever I tried to let him know that I didn’t want to risk getting expelled because I was caught having sex, he would tell me I didn’t love him and proceed to give me silent treatment for days. The only way I could get him to talk to me again was by telling him I’m open to having sex. 

It wasn’t until one of my friends got suspended for two semesters for having sex before I stood my ground and told him I didn’t want to have sex on school grounds anymore. He gave me the silent treatment after that, and the moment he realised that I wasn’t going to be guilted anymore, he broke up with me. 

5. “He Would Tell Me to Watch Porn to Be Better in Bed” — Roqeebah*, 27 

My ex took me through the wringer for two years, and every day I still wonder what charm he used on me. He would constantly withhold sex with me for the silliest reasons, like my guy friend hugging me, and instead of me seeing the red flag that was flashing its lights at me, I would ignore it and apologise to him every time he did that.

There were countless times I would get ‘hey sis’ DMs from women he made advances to, and whenever I confronted him about it, he would get out of it by telling me the women were lying to me, or he would outrightly pour the blame on me. He would tell me that if I were experienced in bed, he wouldn’t be cheating on me, and he would end it by telling me to watch porn so I could at least be better in bed. Over the course of our relationship, I watched over a hundred porn videos because I really wanted to be good and perfect for him. A part of me knew it wasn’t normal for someone who claimed to love me to do this to me, but I still stayed because he’d somehow made me feel like no one would love me as he did. 

I honestly believe I would have stayed with him if my visa hadn’t been approved, and I’m so glad we are no longer together because he was so evil to me. 

6. “I Contracted an STD Because of Them” — Latifah*, 26

My ex-girlfriend is the biggest gaslighter I know, and till now, I’ll never forgive her for what she put me through. She and I ran in the same circles, so now and then, someone would come to tell me that they saw her kissing another girl at an event I didn’t go to. When I gently confronted her about it and told her I would forgive her as long as she told me the truth, she would pull out the tears and ask why I was believing lies being told about her. 

Whenever there was picture evidence, she would lie and tell me that the person she was kissing was a friend, and ask me if I didn’t kiss my friends just for fun. She never apologised, and it got to a point where I couldn’t tell what was right or wrong. My friends even got tired of me because of all the evidence in my face, and I still chose to believe the person who was constantly lying to me for the fun of it. I think I convinced myself that she loved me, and that was all that mattered. Me and her against the world. 

Breaking up with her never crossed my mind. She’d promised me that we would leave the country together to live our lives freely in an accepting country, and I held on to that until I contracted an STD. When I got the test results from the clinic, I didn’t think too much about it and broke up with her. She was the only one I was having sex with, but I wasn’t the only one she was having sex with, and that put my health in danger. I wasn’t going to stay with her after that. 

7. “He Would Cheat and Tell Me to Pray Harder” — Sandra*, 35

My ex had a habit of making everything my fault. He would cheat and say it’s my fault because I didn’t pray enough. He would miss important work events he was supposed to attend and blame me for not reminding him. He would forget that I’d planned our monthiversary dates, stand me up, and blame me for not informing him, even though I’d done so countless times. He never took responsibility for anything and made me feel bad every time he committed actions that should have genuinely gotten him stoned. 

The constant blaming made me feel like something was wrong with me. I thought that surely, I must be an awful person. After I caught him cheating and he blamed me for not praying enough, I went back to religion. I kept pleading with God to stop his wandering eyes, but it felt like all my prayers went unanswered. He still cheated heavily on me, and every time, he would tell me to pray harder. Sometimes, he would even kneel and pray with me. That was such an embarrassing time in my life, and I’m so glad that I got the strength to leave him in the end. If I didn’t, I think he would have probably ruined my life. 

8. “I Would Grovel for Days Just to Get Him to Talk to Me” — Amina*, 29 

My ex-boyfriend was a big baby who had a nasty way of ruining my mood every time. I can actually count on one hand the number of times I was happy in that relationship. He was always in a bad mood and made sure I knew it. He would call and text me at different times of day to rant angrily about an inconvenience he was going through.

At first, I didn’t mind, but it got to the point where every call from him made my heart rate spike because I knew I would have to abandon whatever important thing I was doing to entertain him. If I showed little concern, he would turn his anger on me and accuse me of not loving him as I said I did. I had to prove my love and care for him by listening to his constant rants that frankly never made sense. It genuinely just felt like he wanted to ruin my mood simply because he was angry at something. He never understood time or place. He would call me at work and get mad at me for not answering on the first ring. He tended to blow everything out of proportion, and I would grovel for days just so he could get to talk to me again. Being with him was frankly exhausting. 

9. “She Ruined My Relationship With Food” — Kike*, 28

My ex-girlfriend had a thing for constantly pointing out my weight. I am fat, and I’d never been ashamed of it until she entered my life. She started by shaming me for eating food, and then she moved to subtly asking me if I wanted to give the gym a try. I acted like it didn’t get to me, but then she started saying she couldn’t have sex with me because I wasn’t attractive. She would tell me that maybe I should start using the gym so I would be more appealing to her in bed. 

The thing is, I knew that it was wrong of her to do that to me, and even my friends told me she was treating me badly, but I somehow ignored all that. I told myself that she was doing it out of the goodness of her heart and that she cared for my health. Never mind the fact that my fatness was moderate, and I wasn’t nearing obese levels or anything. 

Because I wanted to appeal to her badly, I developed an eating disorder and started using the gym. If not for my friends who decided that they couldn’t watch me kill myself over a woman, I think I would have still stayed with my ex, but I’m happy I didn’t. She ruined my relationship with food, and I don’t wish her good things. 

10. “He Always Reminded Me That There Were Other Women He Could Pick” — Amirah*, 30 

I broke up with my ex a month ago because I started to realise that if I stayed with him for a long time, I was going to lose myself. Apart from the fact that he had a habit of telling me what clothes looked ugly on my body, he was not the kind of person I had healthy communication with. 

If he did something bad and I tried to call him out on it, he would get mad at me instead of acknowledging he did something wrong. He would then remind me that he had many other women to choose from, but he chose me, so I needed to be grateful to him. Basically, he wanted me to be at his feet, thanking him. 

He didn’t want me to call him out on his wrong actions. He didn’t like to acknowledge the fact that he’s a human who makes mistakes, but whenever I did something wrong, he would make it an issue for 40 days and nights. I endured his behaviour for about a year before I decided that I had to put myself first and break up with him. He didn’t take it well, but that’s his business.

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