On the Streets is a Zikoko weekly series about the chaos of modern dating: from situationships and endless talking stages, to heartbreak and everything it means to be single in today’s world.
For years, Asake* (29) searched for love in the hope that it would solve the problems she’d grown up with. But rebuilding her life as a single mother, and later losing the man she believed was her second chance at happiness has changed how she sees relationships.
What’s your current relationship status, and how do you feel about it?
I’m single, and I’m fine with it. But it didn’t used to be that way. I once thought a relationship was everything.
Now I’m focused on rebuilding the parts of my life I neglected while chasing relationships.
How did you get to this point? Walk me through your love life
I grew up in Lagos under very difficult circumstances. My mum was a widow raising five children in a tiny apartment. We were poor, and she sold vegetables to feed us.
My brothers were area boys, so I spent most of my time around them and got exposed early. My first serious relationship was at 13 with my brother’s friend. He was popular in our neighbourhood, and we’d skip school to be together. I’ll never forget the day my mum came home unexpectedly and caught us. She was furious.
Back then, I hated her because she gave my brothers more freedom. By 16, I thought I was an adult, so I went through a string of flings while my mum tried to keep me in line.
She managed to get me through secondary school, and in 2016, I got into Nasarawa State University.
How was university life?
Unfortunately, leaving Lagos didn’t make me any wiser. The freedom went to my head, within months, I was partying and meeting different people. That’s when I met Ayo*.
Tell me about Ayo
We met at a club after his friend invited me and my girls out. We spent the entire night together, hooked up, and kept seeing each other. Compared to most of the guys around me, Ayo seemed calm and mature.
He was generous and introduced me to a lifestyle I’d never experienced. He had money, though I never knew what he did for a living. At the time, I didn’t care. Being with him made me feel like I wouldn’t end up struggling the way my mum had.
A few weeks later, I told him I wasn’t interested in a casual relationship. We started dating officially and, before long, I moved in with him.
Hmm. How did that relationship go?
It was good for the most part. The biggest issue was my clinginess, but Ayo liked his space.
Whenever we argued, he’d completely shut down. He could be cruel, too. Once, I returned to school after a fight, and he never checked on me, even though I was also ill. Instead, he flooded his social media with videos of himself having fun. But at the time, I didn’t recognise those red flags.
The relationship gradually became my whole life. I stopped caring about school and followed Ayo everywhere. My grades suffered badly.
At the start of my second year, I missed course registration because I was in Lagos with him. I’d planned to return before the deadline, but then I found out I was pregnant.
Wow. How did that happen?
I’d been sick for weeks and eventually went to the hospital. The nurse took one look at me and asked if I was pregnant. I refused to believe it until the test came back positive.
Ayo was the first person I told. At first, he wanted me to get an abortion, but when I refused, he warmed up and encouraged me to tell my family.
I kept delaying because Ayo was always too busy to accompany me. After three weeks of waiting, I went home alone and told my mum.
How did she react?
She was devastated. She thought I’d been in school all that time, not knowing I’d been with a man.
That conversation was one of the hardest of my life. It was the first time I realised how much I’d disappointed her.
My family insisted on meeting Ayo, and I assured them he’d come as we’d planned. Later that day, I returned to the shortlet we’d been staying at, only to discover he’d checked out. He refused to pick up my calls.
What?
When I kept calling and texting, he blocked me. It felt planned because even his friends stopped answering my calls. I was in denial for weeks because I genuinely thought we were on the same page.
I’m sorry. How did you move on from all that?
I felt sorry for myself. My family was ashamed. I’d missed every school deadline, spent my fees, and had no savings. It felt like my entire life collapsed.
Eventually, I returned to school to pack my belongings. One of Ayo’s friends told me he was around, so I confronted him.
How did that go?
He was a completely different person. Despite spending more than a year together, he said he wasn’t sure the baby was his.
I begged him to at least support me. He agreed, but it didn’t take long before he went back to ignoring me. I eventually accepted that I was on my own.
After I gave birth in 2017, my mum insisted we contact his family. His mother pushed him to acknowledge our daughter and take responsibility. She even suggested marriage, but by then, any feelings I had for him were gone.
I can imagine
All I wanted was to get back on my feet and support my mum, so I started a tailoring apprenticeship.
In 2019, I got involved with Chris*, who owned a shop near my madam’s. We started seeing each other casually. Over time, I convinced myself we were a couple.
Reality hit in our second year together when he only bought me a pack of Chicken Republic for my birthday, even though I’d stressed that I wanted a pleasant surprise.
I’m guessing you realised you deserved better
I did. When I raised my concern, he said he couldn’t overspend on a woman he wasn’t dating. Then he added that he couldn’t seriously date a single mother.
It hurt, but it also helped me refocus. I poured my energy into work. After I finished my apprenticeship, I started working from home and ran a POS business on the side.
Well done. Did you ever consider dating again?
I’d started to think I was destined to be single when I met David* at church in 2023. We attended the same unit, and I barely noticed him at first. Then I realised he was always finding reasons to be around me.
Eventually, he told me he was interested in me. He didn’t even care that I had a child.
I was skeptical about dating, but David proved himself through his actions. He treated me well and asked to meet my family a few months in. After seven months, he proposed. We’d started planning our introduction when a car accident claimed his life. He’d survived long enough to be taken to the hospital, but the burns were severe, and he couldn’t make it.
Goodness. How did you handle his passing?
I became depressed again. I started drinking after years of staying sober. I was angry at life. It’ll be three years in September, but I still haven’t moved on. I still think about how different my life would be if David were here.
I’m only just coming out of my shell now. I’m trying to stop drinking, although I still relapse when the grief gets overwhelming.
My biggest goal now is to get a shop and continue growing my business.
Through it all, I feel incredibly proud that I’ve been able to start paying my daughter’s school fees. The burden isn’t entirely on my mum anymore.
Great. So, how have these experiences shaped your idea of love and relationships?
I’ve learnt that nobody is coming to save me. When I was younger, I treated relationships as an escape route. I thought if I found the right man and held on tightly enough, all my problems would disappear.
I wish I’d prioritised myself the same way Ayo prioritised himself. He finished university in the end, and I’m still dealing with the consequences of the choices I made because I centred my life around him.
Finally, how are the streets treating you these days? Rate it on a scale of 1 to 10.
I’d give it a 5/10. I still believe David was the man God intended for me, and it hurts that his life ended so soon. But I’ve accepted it. Being single isn’t the end of the world.
Read Next: Sunken Ships: I Forgave Him, And Regretted It
