Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
Fade* (35) and Gbenro* (38) met in 2017 after Gbenro relocated from Ekiti to Lagos.
On this week’s Love Life, they talk about their fast-moving love story, how their marriage struggled after they let a stranger into their home, and why they’re still committed after almost a decade together.
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What’s your earliest memory of each other?
Gbenro: I met Fade in 2017 at my aunty’s place. She had been teasing me for a while about this fine girl in Lagos she wanted to introduce me to. I had just relocated from Ekiti, and I barely knew anyone in the city. She was like a big sister to me, so I trusted her judgment. The day we finally met, I liked Fade immediately. She was really cheerful and didn’t give room for any awkwardness.
That same day, we went to the cinema and afterwards had pepper soup at a spot in Ojuelegba. I didn’t say anything to her that day, but I already knew I liked her and wouldn’t mind pursuing something serious.
Fade: That same aunty was like a big sister to me, too, and she had also been teasing me about introducing me to someone. I was open to it because I naturally make friends easily.
When we met, I also found him easy to be around from the start. He seemed level-headed, kind and funny. I can’t lie, it was a good first outing. I think I was actually shocked that his aunty was right about everything she had said about him. It wasn’t the first time one of my mum’s friends had tried to matchmake me with someone, and I was always disappointed. But with Gbenro, it was an instant hit.
Right. I’m guessing you were both single at the time?
Fade: Yes, I was. I had deliberately kept things platonic with the guys around me for about a year. My boyfriend of three years had relocated and ended things; I was healing from that and wasn’t looking for anything serious.
I was just open to meeting new people.
Gbenro: I was also single and feeling behind in my dating life. I had always wanted to marry young, but God had other plans for me. I just had a lot of delays… school, NYSC, landing a job, and finding my feet. It was the same with my love life. A lot of my friends had gotten married and started having kids, and in a way, I felt like my clock was ticking. That was why I was really keen on meeting this person my aunty had been raving about.
So when I met Fade, and liked what I saw, I knew I wanted to be intentional about her.
Sweet. So what happened after that first outing?
Gbenro: We became close very quickly. I was still trying to settle into Lagos life, and Fade was happy to show me around. She always had somewhere to go, a food spot to try, or friends to visit. I was a proper JJC, and she made the city feel like home.
After three months, I asked her out. It felt like the natural next step for me. I had grown fond of her, and I knew what I wanted. I asked, and she said yes.
Fade: I had grown fond of him, too. He’d shown me who he was over those three months and I liked what I saw.
As he said, everything felt so natural between us and dating just felt like the next step. I’d also spent time away from relationships because I knew I wanted to go the long haul with whoever I dated next. As soon as I was sure it was Gbenro, I went with it. I also prayed about it, and something in my spirit assured me it was the right decision.
And how were the early days of the relationship?
Fade: Really smooth. There was a solid friendship underneath everything from the start. We had the same values, enjoyed each other’s company, went out a lot, and explored the city together. Things just felt easy in a way that surprised both of us. In those early days, Gbenro would always joke about how we hadn’t gotten in a fight or something, and I’d tell him to be careful what he wished for.
Gbenro: That part is so funny. I remember having a talk with my brother, and he couldn’t understand why I was bothered that I was enjoying a stress-free relationship.
But yeah, barely a year in, I started thinking about marriage. I brought it up with Fade, and that was the first time I sensed some form of hesitation from her.
Fade: The marriage part scared me. Yes, he was kind, funny, level-headed, and financially stable, but things were moving fast. We had only been together a year, and marriage felt like a huge commitment to be making so soon.
I almost backed out entirely.
But you stayed
Fade: Gbenro was very patient. He didn’t rush me or make me feel pressured. He just kept reassuring me and being exactly the person he had been from the first day. Plus, our families and friends had gotten involved by then, and everyone was so encouraging.
I looked at everything and decided to put it all in God’s hands. Usually, when I want to make serious life decisions, I always embark on a dry fast and I’d usually get my sign. I got my sign about a month later, and that was when I gave Gbenro my answer. Of course, I told him to wait for my answer first before a public proposal or anything like that. We got married the following year.
Curious, Gbenro. Did her hesitation worry you?
Gbenro: Not really. I understood where she was coming from; a year is too soon to start discussing marriage with someone. But I also don’t think there’s any point wasting time when two people know what they want. We were both clear on what we wanted at the time. I guess I just needed to push more and offer more reassurance. And that was a little price to pay.
Nice. So how did things progress over time, especially after the wedding?
Fade: Really sweet at first. We were in the honeymoon phase, and it lasted a while. But then, it was all cut short when I got pregnant almost immediately. And with the pregnancy came a severe illness. It started as morning sickness, then it got worse. I could barely get through a day. Eating was a struggle; keeping anything down was a struggle. I was constantly taking breaks from work, and even at home, I couldn’t be left alone for too long.
Gbenro: I know she remembers the beautiful part, but I still think of that time as an extremely difficult period. I wanted us to get over having kids as soon as possible, but I definitely wasn’t thinking about starting in our first year of marriage. At first, I wanted to suggest an abortion until we were fully ready, but I saw how sick she was, and I didn’t want us to take the risk.
I spent the bulk of my time at work worrying about what was happening at home. My siblings were back in Ekiti, and her siblings were still in school, so there was nobody readily available to be with her. I think her mum was also sick at the time, so she couldn’t really help. Eventually, my aunty sat us down and suggested we hire a domestic help.
Oh
Gbenro: I resisted the idea at first. I’d heard ugly stories, plus it wasn’t something either of us had imagined as part of our early marriage. But Fade’s situation made it unavoidable. She needed someone present during the hours I was away. Also, since the person was coming from my aunty, we felt we could trust her. My aunty always had maids, and I’d never heard her complain. So I knew she had a way with them.
Fade: And honestly, the first person we got was wonderful. She was kind, reliable, hardworking and very easy to have in the home. It felt like having around, and I felt stupid for a while for even kicking against the idea in the first place.
But then, she travelled home for Christmas that year and simply never returned. At first, we thought she was spending extra time with her family, but after about a week, we tried to reach her. But she was unreachable. Eventually, Gbenro’s aunty told us to move on. She said some of them can be like that. They only come to Lagos to work for a while and reunite with their family after saving up.
I was already very close to my delivery date at that point, and that was when I needed help the most. Luckily, Gbenro’s found another person for us. She also seemed really sweet, hardworking, and genuinely eager to help. At that point, you couldn’t tell me anything about domestic staff because I only had good experiences. But we were in for a long ride with the second lady.
Why? What happened
Gbenro: After a while, I started noticing things. Whenever Fade went to the hospital for appointments, and I was home, this girl’s whole energy changed. She became overly attentive, hovering around me and finding reasons to be in whatever room I was in. The moment Fade came back, she would return to normal. At first, I told myself I was imagining things. I didn’t want to create a problem where there wasn’t one. So I ignored it and carried on.
Fast forward a few months, Fade’s hospital trip had reduced significantly, and she was always home. We’d also welcomed our child, and Fade barely had time to attend to me. So our help dialled up on the niceness again. Except this time, I didn’t really complain because, between trying to get her old self back and nursing our newborn, Fade didn’t really have time for me.
Fade: I didn’t see anything unusual in her behaviour at first. To me, she was simply good at her job, and I was grateful for that. But I soon noticed that Gbenro was changing.
He always had one complaint when I was handling something, especially food. He’d say I shouldn’t stress because she could handle it. He also stopped coming to me when he couldn’t find clothes or items around the house; he would call for her first without even thinking to check with me. That started to bother me, although I didn’t really know what it was yet.
Did you say anything to him?
Fade: I raised it with him a few times, and each time he dismissed it. He said I was overwhelmed with the new baby and reading too much into things. He reminded me that the whole reason we hired help was to reduce my stress, and I shouldn’t be looking for problems. I let it go because he seemed so sure. But I just couldn’t shake the feeling that something felt weird. To make it worse, we started having disagreements that turned into real fights, all of it in front of our maid.
Gbenro: I guess in retrospect, I can see things more clearly. But at the time, I wasn’t connecting the dots. I was chalking all the small arguments and growing distance between us to the stress of a new baby and the adjustment to early marriage.
So at what point did you realise there was a problem?
Fade: My mum visited us and opened my eyes to things I’d been ignoring. At some point, she took me aside very quietly and got into a lengthy lecture about how I had to wake up. She first insisted that I should do the cooking for my husband and serve, then the maid could do everything else. She also restricted the maid from coming into our main bedroom. At first, I thought she was being dramatic, but I couldn’t even argue. Those were things I did gleefully for my husband, and they strengthened our bond in a way, but between pregnancy and motherhood, and someone who could take the stress off, I’d gotten too comfortable.
After my mum left, I started watching more carefully. Things I had been too exhausted or too distracted to do before, I started doing. Then, I think the following month, I told Gbenro she had to leave.
Gbenro: That was not a smooth conversation at all. I pushed back hard. I kept saying she was efficient, that we still needed the help, and that Fade was being unreasonable. I made excuse after excuse for that girl to stay. In hindsight, I can see exactly how that must have looked and felt to my wife. Although at the time I thought I was just thinking practically.
Fade: His resistance troubled me more than anything the maid herself had done. But eventually, she left. Gbenro realised how serious I was.
Did things get better between you guys after she left?
Fade: We stabilised a bit. Things calmed down, and we were finding our footing again. Then I got pregnant a second time, and the illness came back just as severely as before. Then Gbenro, without my knowledge, brought the maid back.
I almost went mad. Not just because he had brought her back, I could have perhaps understood that given how ill I was. What I could not get past was that he was in touch with her.
I kept asking him why, and he couldn’t give me a clear answer. He got defensive and accused me of saying he had cheated. That made things worse because that wasn’t even the core of my question. My question was why he felt the need to keep in touch at all. The tension in the house during that period was something I don’t have proper words for.
Gbenro: In a way, we can laugh about this thing now, but it wasn’t funny then. I was defensive because I felt cornered. Like, I knew how much trouble we went through before we found a maid, and this was someone we knew. She worked well with our son; we could trust her. When I called and asked if she was available, she said she was. So why bring a random stranger to the house when we could already trust someone with our child? But Fade didn’t see it that way. About a month later, the girl left. She said she couldn’t handle the hostility in the house.
Fade: By that time, Gbenro and I weren’t even seeing eye to eye.
Must have been tough. How did you get through it?
Fade: I think for me, it got to a point where I felt like the whole thing was a spiritual attack on our marriage. So I became very intentional about prayer in a way I hadn’t been before. I believe we survived it by the grace of God. I don’t say that casually.
Gbenro: Beyond the spiritual — and I agree with Fade on that — we also had to make an active choice to stay and do the work. We had hard conversations and had to start rebuilding our love from there.
And the maid situation, did you ever hire help again?
Gbenro: Never again. It has been over five years now, and we have kept to that. If we ever need support, we rely on relatives.
Fade: That’s something we’ve both agreed on. I know some people hear that and think we are being extreme. But we know what we went through and who we are. That decision protects our home and we are both at peace with it.
On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate your love life?
Gbenro: 9. We’ve been through enough to know what we have is real. The one point is a reminder that we can still get even better.
Fade: I’ll give us 8.5. Any marriage that’s still standing after almost a decade means there’s something worth fighting for.
*Names have been changed to protect the identity of the subjects.
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