Sunken Ships is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.
Ope* (29) and Funmi* met as young Nigerians navigating life in South Africa and quickly became each other’s chosen family until a man came between them.
For Sunken Ships, Ope shares how she became stuck in a love triangle with her best friend, how it eroded their bond and how she’s coping with the aftermath.
How did your friendship with Funmi begin?
We met at a church program in Cape Town in 2017, but we didn’t become close friends until 2018. We hit it off when I sent my well-wishes for her mum’s birthday that year. She invited me to spend the Christmas holidays with her family in Durban, and the rest was history. We became close from then on.
How close are we talking?
So close that her parents became my South African family. I didn’t usually go home to Nigeria for Christmas because of the costs, so spending Christmas with her family became my new tradition. I was there for three Christmases in a row. Her mum loved me, her sisters knew me, and everyone knew we were close.
How would you describe your friendship with her?
It was rocky, but deep. She was my first call for everything. Even though we had minor disagreements from time to time, I saw her as my best friend.
So what changed?
I started seeing a boy called Emeka*, and that became the beginning of the end.
Tell me about him.
I first met him in August 2018 at a church programme. We got talking, but I was in a relationship at the time, so when he asked me out, I said no and left it at that. Later, I mentioned him to Funmi in passing, and she mentioned she knew of him.
What did she say?
Their parents were Nigerian pastors who’d been in South Africa for years, and they were close family friends. They’d basically grown up in the same church circles.
Did you notice any red flags when you told her about him?
Honestly? No. I was with someone else. I told her about him the way I’d tell her about any fine man I’d met. I wasn’t pressed at all.
What happened afterwards?
I broke up with my ex in April 2019. Funmi was my go-to person, so I told her. She told Emeka I was single, and the next thing I knew, he was texting me, offering himself as a shoulder to lean on. He was away in Nigeria for his IT year, but we became very close over the phone. I was emotionally vulnerable after my break-up, and he became a safe space for my feelings.
How did things progress between you two?
By August 2019, he was back in South Africa, and we actually met up. I went to Johannesburg to see him, and he came to my city, Pretoria, the following weekend.
How was that like?
It was amazing. I thought I was really into him at that point and thought I had truly found my person.
So what changed?
In September, Funmi sent me a message to congratulate her and Emeka on spending six blissful months together.
Ah!
I was so shocked, I couldn’t believe my eyes. This meant they’d been dating since February. The whole time he was calling me for hours, talking about his feelings, and visiting me, he was in a relationship with my best friend.
Funmi never mentioned him?
No. She never talked about him. I told her when we were talking, but I never mentioned we were getting emotionally involved.
Did you ask her why she didn’t tell you?
Yes. Apparently, Emeka told her to keep their relationship lowkey, so she didn’t tell anyone except their parents. That hurt me because I felt she didn’t include me on purpose.
Did you tell her about what went down between you and her man?
I struggled with it for a bit, but I knew I couldn’t let someone I love be with an untrustworthy person. I summoned the courage and told her everything.
What did Funmi say after she found out?
She was also shocked that Emeka had been sneaking around behind her back with me. She said she was going to break things off because she didn’t want to choose between him and me. It was painful, but I felt we’d get through it together.
Okay. What happened after that?
She called me back the next day and said she’d realised she loved him too much to break up with him, but she hoped we could all just move forward and leave what had happened behind.
Omo. What did you do?
I was taken aback, but I agreed and promised to be civil with Emeka. Somehow, he used that as an avenue to keep “checking in on” me. I was so emotionally attached to him that I entertained his attentions. I’ll admit that a part of me was hoping he would eventually choose me. Or that Funmi would leave him so he’d be free to date me.
Wow. So what finally snapped you out of it?
I went to her family’s house in Durban for Christmas in 2019 because it was our tradition, and she’d insisted things were fine between us. But it was awkward because Emeka was there between us. He would call her often during the day, and I would hear them on the phone together. It made me so jealous and a little crazy.
What did you do?
This is where I admit my own fault. I don’t know what came over me, but I texted him and told him I still had feelings for him. And that I was willing to wait for him to choose me. He took a screenshot of the message and sent it to Funmi.
Omo! While you were in her house?
Yes, o. It was the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to me. When she showed me his message, I couldn’t speak. It was as if the scales fell from my eyes, and all the love I felt towards Emeka turned into hate and disgust. I was angry at him for showing her, but mostly at myself for even being in that situation.
What happened next?
Emeka called and told me I had never stood my ground with him, or sent him off. That there was never a time I actually said, “We can’t do this.” I hate that he was right, but he was. Funmi said she forgave me. I thanked her for the forgiveness and went home as soon as my flight allowed.
Did you two try to repair things?
We tried. She came to Pretoria later in 2020, and we hung out, but it was the same as before. Then the pandemic kept everyone in their own corner, so there was some relief in that.
What about her relationship with Emeka?
Around April 2020, Funmi called me to say Emeka had broken up with her in February, having fallen for someone else. A mutual friend of ours. It drove her into a depression. I felt sorry for her, but I also felt this terrible helplessness because I had cut off my friendship with her specifically so she could have a clean relationship with this man, and he left anyway.
What was your friendship with Funmi like after this?
We became distant, but we still spoke once in a while. I even asked her to be my chief bridesmaid when I got married in 2022. The wedding was in Nigeria, but she didn’t come because her parents said Nigeria was too unsafe.
I see. What was your final straw?
When Funmi chose to stay with Emeka rather than leave him, I lost some of the respect I had for her. But the final straw came when Funmi was getting married.
Tell me about that.
I received a general invitation in March 2023. No ask to be a bridesmaid, no ” I want you involved.” I waited because I thought she would ask me to be a bridesmaid. She never did
Oh wow. Did this hurt?
It was painful because when we were still close, we had promised to serve on each other’s bridal trains. I really wanted to support her when she finally found love. By August, when she still didn’t ask, I had to make a decision. Was I going to spend over $2,000 dollars on flights and accommodation just to sit in a hall at a wedding where I clearly wasn’t her friend anymore?
Did you bring it up with her?
I didn’t. I just quietly told her I wouldn’t be able to make it.
What hurt most about this wedding saga?
Aside from excluding me from the fanfare, I found out that she had become close with someone who we both knew disliked me, Rhema*. She even went so far as to make her the chief bridesmaid. That was when I knew that our friendship was over.
What did you do when you found out?
I unfollowed her and deleted her contact. She texted me once she noticed, with a casual “Hey, how are you?” I didn’t reply.
Do you think you would ever reconcile?
No. And not just because she picked both Emeka and Rhema over me. I thought about our friendship for a long time, and realised that even without Emeka, it was probably always going to collapse. If it wasn’t her parents controlling her, it was whoever she was dating, or whoever she’d made her new best friend. I realised Funmi often became whoever the strongest voice around her wanted her to be.
That must have been a hard pill to swallow.
It was. I spent a lot of time being angry at Emeka, blaming him for the whole thing. But I’m starting to find where Funmi and I, too, were at fault. I miss her, but we’re better off apart.
And what about Emeka?
He’s married now and has a daughter with the same woman he left Funmi for. He also went around telling people that I forced myself on him. That I was the reason he and Funmi broke up. This was after I had already left South Africa and gotten married.
I’m sorry, what?
It was so crazy when a mutual friend reached out to tell me. I wished I had his number so I could call him and make it very clear that my name should never come out of his mouth again.
Has this experience made you bitter about friendship in general?
No. I genuinely still believe in beautiful friendships because I’m surrounded by them. This one just ran its course.
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