Adenola* (41) grew up in a deeply religious, strict household where discipline, obedience, and submission were treated as the foundation of a successful family. But over a decade into marriage, he has realised that building a family is far more complicated than simply recreating what you grew up watching.
In this week’s Marriage Diaries, he talks about the financial fears that almost broke him in his first year of marriage, the exhaustion that can quietly creep into long-term relationships and why he sometimes enjoys the company of his children more than his wife’s.
This is a look into his Marriage Diary.
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I thought my marriage would look exactly like my parents’ own
I grew up in a very strict home, so most of my understanding of marriage came from watching my parents.
My dad didn’t allow much freedom in the house. There were no attending parties or random outings, and definitely no boyfriend or girlfriend discussions. It was mostly school, church and Bible. Even the books we read were mostly academic. Because of that kind of upbringing, I didn’t really have outside experiences shaping my idea of relationships. Everything I knew about marriage came from church teachings, Sunday school and watching older people around me.
Even while I was in university, I still lived with my parents, so their influence never really left me. My father remained the head of the home in every sense of the word. My mother was also strict, but she was softer and more approachable. At the end of the day, though, she still submitted completely to my dad.
That was the kind of marriage I imagined for myself.
I genuinely believed I would become a strict husband and father like my dad, while my wife would naturally fall into the role my mother played. But marriage humbled me quickly.
My wife is nothing like the women I grew up around
The biggest surprise in my marriage has been discovering how different my home is from the one I grew up in.
First of all, I realised very early that I’m actually not as strict as my father was. I thought I would be, but when I started having children, I found myself naturally softer with them. Then there’s my wife.
My wife is respectful and responsible, but she’s also extremely opinionated. She doesn’t believe in the idea of total submission the way women from my parents’ generation did. Ironically, that confidence was one of the things that attracted me to her while we were dating.
At the time, I admired that she could speak her mind and challenge things intelligently. But marriage has taught me that the same qualities that attract you to someone can later become the source of your frustrations.
There are moments when it feels like every conversation has to involve negotiation or back-and-forth. Sometimes, I just want my wife to trust my judgement and follow my lead without turning everything into a debate. But that’s not her personality.
And over the years, I’ve had to accept that I married someone with her own mind, opinions and way of doing things.
My first year of marriage made me question if I was truly ready to be a husband
One of the hardest moments in my marriage happened during our first year together.
Financially, things became very difficult for me almost immediately after we got married. It was especially shocking because I’m someone who plans carefully and is usually responsible with money.
But that year, my business suffered badly. I lost money from a few deals, and suddenly, everything became unstable at once.
To make matters worse, my wife got pregnant around that same period.
I remember constantly worrying about whether I had rushed into marriage too quickly. I started asking myself serious questions about whether I was truly ready to carry the responsibility of a family.
How would I provide? How would I raise a child properly when things already felt so tight?
It was a very lonely period emotionally because I didn’t discuss those fears with anybody. I just carried them privately and tried to keep functioning normally.
Thankfully, after my wife gave birth, things slowly started improving again financially. Looking back now, it almost felt miraculous.
But that period changed something in me. It made me realise how fragile confidence can be once family responsibilities enter the picture.
Nobody warned me that you can actually grow tired of marriage
One thing I’ve had to figure out for myself is that marriage can be exhausting at times. People talk a lot about love, patience and commitment, but I don’t think enough people talk honestly about the moments when marriage simply feels tiring.
At the beginning, everything is exciting. You genuinely feel convinced that this is the person you want to spend forever with. But as life continues and you start experiencing different phases together, things become more complicated.
Sometimes, love deepens naturally. Other times, it feels like you have to intentionally remind yourself why you chose this person in the first place.
Whenever I see couples celebrating 30 or 40 years together, I genuinely wonder how they do it. I’ve asked older couples in church before, hoping they’d share a deep secret or formula, but most just say things like patience, kindness, and tolerance. And yes, those things matter. But I’ve also realised that every marriage has its own survival mechanism. What works for one couple may not work for another.
Personally, I still feel like I’m figuring things out as I go.
My wife and I constantly clash over how to raise our children
One of the biggest recurring issues in our marriage is parenting.
When we first started having children, I initially wanted to raise them with the same strictness my father used on us. But I quickly realised that I’m actually softer than I thought.
The truth is, I genuinely enjoy being close to my children. I like it when they feel free around me. So anytime I shout excessively or punish them harshly, I hate the distance it creates afterwards. It almost feels like I’m hurting myself, too.
My wife completely disagrees with that approach.
She believes I’m too soft on the children sometimes and occasionally says I don’t discipline them enough. There have been moments where she even implied that I’m not firm enough as a father because I don’t like instilling fear in them.
One incident that really stayed with me happened when our first son spoilt the television while playing ball indoors after we had repeatedly warned him not to. I was angry, and I punished him for it. But my wife felt the punishment wasn’t serious enough.
What started as a disagreement between us eventually escalated into a full-blown argument in front of the children. She started saying things like I was spoiling them and that they would blame me in future for being too soft.
Honestly, hearing that hurt me deeply, especially because she said it in front of the children. Neither of us apologised afterwards. We simply moved on from the issue.
But since then, I’ve noticed myself trying to appear sterner when disciplining the children just to avoid conflict with my wife. Sometimes, it doesn’t even feel natural to me, but I do it because I want peace in the house.
Sometimes I enjoy my children’s company more than my wife’s
There are parts of my wife that I only fully discovered after marriage. I don’t necessarily think she hid those parts from me. Maybe marriage simply brought them out over time.
But one thing I still struggle with is her stubbornness.
Sometimes, it feels impossible to say something once and have her simply agree or follow through. There always has to be some form of resistance or debate because she doesn’t want to feel controlled. And honestly, it can become emotionally draining.
Last Christmas, for example, I wanted us to travel to Ibadan with the children for a change of environment during the holidays. Suddenly, my wife decided she wanted to remain in Lagos because she had plans and wanted to spend time with other relatives.
I genuinely couldn’t understand it because, to me, your husband and children should naturally come first during periods like that. Eventually, we cancelled the trip entirely and stayed in Lagos. What pained me most was that the children were looking forward to the trip.
Moments like that frustrate me because they make simple decisions unnecessarily difficult. And while my wife has many good qualities too, there are honestly times when I enjoy the company of my children more than hers. The children naturally bring warmth and joy into the house.
Sometimes, I genuinely wonder what our marriage dynamic would look like without them.
I still believe love is what keeps marriages alive
Despite everything, I still believe love is enough to sustain a marriage.
People often say marriages survive because of patience, tolerance, kindness and commitment. And I agree with all those things. But personally, I think love is what gives people the ability to keep practising those things in the first place.
If you truly stop loving someone, it becomes harder to keep being patient with them, to tolerate their flaws, or to continue choosing the marriage every day.
Love may not always look as exciting as it did at the beginning, but I think it still exists beneath everything else for couples who decide to remain together.
*Names have been changed to protect the identity of the subjects.
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