Sunken Ships is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.
Amara* (25) has had only two close female friendships in her life. The pain and harm she suffered from these have left her feeling raw, used and unappreciated.
For Sunken Ships, she shares how both friendships unfolded, the scars they left behind and why she’s holding off on making new friends.
Let’s start from the very beginning. What was it like making friends growing up?
It was difficult. I was always the third wheel. You know how those trios work: two people are actually best friends, and I’d just be there to fill the space. So when I finally had my own person, someone I could call my best friend, I was very excited.
When was this?
It was in 2017. I was sixteen, and we met as we transitioned to university.
How did your friendship with her go?
I thought our friendship was solid at first, but something about our dynamic was off from the beginning. I just couldn’t see it because of my excitement. She took on an older-sister role, even though she was only a year older than me. I let her.
Did you guys have any issues??
Yes. She was often condescending and outright rude, but I would swallow it because I was terrified of losing her friendship. So I kept quiet, and the resentment just kept building beneath the surface.
When was the last straw for you?
We were both trying to get into university that same year. I told her all my plans; my applications, my choices and more. She was very surface-level with her own information, but I didn’t notice. Then one day, my brother’s friend came to me and said, ”Have you seen Ayo’s* matriculation picture?”
I was like, what do you mean, matriculation picture?
She had gotten into school and said nothing to me. I found out from an outsider.
Whoa, that must have stung.
It hurt me deeply. I had literally texted her the week before, “I checked my portal and nothing yet, do you think we should find someone to help us?”
I was worried about us both. This girl had blocked me from her WhatsApp status so I wouldn’t see the news. That was when I understood I was in that friendship alone.
Did you confront her about it?
No, I just withdrew. I know she noticed, but she didn’t care enough to ask what was wrong. She let me drift away. That was my first friendship heartbreak.
How did you deal with it?
I threw myself into sorting out my admission to keep from sitting with how heartbroken I was. I had a boyfriend, and that relationship helped ease the pain. I eventually moved on to another friendship with Jemi*, but I will never forget how it felt.
I’m so sorry. How did your friendship with Jemi start?
I met her in 2018 at a hangout at my parents’ house. She visited with her cousin one evening, and we got into an interesting debate. She’s very smart, and I thought I had finally found someone on my level. We connected over that argument and kept talking from there.
What was your friendship with her like?
Unfortunately, our friendship followed the same pattern as my friendship with Ayo. I found myself sliding into that older-sister, younger-sister dynamic again. I hated it.
Did you try to speak to her about it?
No. I was a people pleaser, so I found it difficult to talk about my issues with Jemi. I stomached it throughout our uni days. I didn’t want to lose her friendship, but her wicked actions eventually drove us apart.
Tell me about that.
After uni, I got a job in Lagos. Jemi suggested I stay with her at her place because I would’ve been commuting from far, and it would be too expensive.
Living with her was nice at first, then it became awful. She had terrible mood swings and would randomly give me the silent treatment for days without explanation. I remember once she came home from work upset, I was trying to cheer her up, and she yelled at me.
Ah, how did you react?
I didn’t say anything. I pulled back and waited for her to apologise. Four days passed, and she didn’t say a word to me; no good morning, nothing. My chest was tight the whole time. I had to be the bigger person and surprise her with a gift at her job to make peace.
Hm. Did things between you get better after that?
No, in fact, they got worse. Being friends with Jemi was an emotional rollercoaster. She constantly lashed out at me and left me hanging.
Can you recall an incident where she did this?
Yes, her then-boyfriend had sent money for us to celebrate her birthday in 2021. I never leave the house without vex money;that’s a personal rule, but she assured me she had everything covered. We went to this restaurant on the island, and the place accidentally debited her account three times. Everything, including our transport money back home, was gone. I tried to help us find a solution, but her mood shifted, and she left me there.
She abandoned you at the restaurant?
Yes, o. I was stranded in a place I didn’t know, no data to call anyone, no idea which direction to even start walking. Even the bouncer at the restaurant could see how distressed I was. He came over and warned me that the area was sketchy, and I stood there trying not to cry as I asked for directions to a bus stop.
Omo, that’s crazy. Did she come back for you?
Eventually, yes. She called, apologised and said she’d called us an Uber. I was already on the road by then, trekking home and shaking with anger. I started mentally checking out of the friendship from that day.
The only reason I stayed was that I had just ended a 4-year relationship and was terrified of being alone. She knew that I had nobody else.
Did her attitude improve after that incident?
No, in fact, her mood swings got worse. One Sunday, she went to church, came back with her aunt, whom she’d spoken highly of. It was the first time I was meeting this woman, and she didn’t introduce us or say a word to me.
That’s weird.
Right? Both of them just sat there, completely ignoring me. I put my earphones in and started listening to music, humming quietly to myself. Then the aunt tapped me and said I was making noise. To my surprise, my best friend backed her.
Ah. How did you react to that?
I got up, left the house, and went for a three-hour walk. When I came back, she still didn’t speak to me. So, I packed my things and returned home for a while.
She called me a week later and said she’d missed me. She said she wanted us to start a digital marketing agency together, and that she’d move into my place and pay her share of everything. I agreed and convinced myself we could rebuild our rapport.
What happened after this?
I lost my life savings in a Ponzi scheme in December 2021. It was on Christmas Day, and I was desolate. I was literally on the floor crying, but what did my friend do? She gave me the silent treatment and then left with a friend to celebrate the festivities.
Omo, that’s wild.
It got even wilder. After that, we had a small disagreement, and she left the house without a word. Two days later, she came back with her younger sister and packed everything out of that house. Even my pot of beans, which was sitting on her gas cooker, wasn’t spared; she took the cooker and left the pot on the floor.
That’s crazy!
I felt so tired of life. I was jobless, I’d just been scammed, had no income, and she stripped the house of everything. I was so lost in my head that I almost walked onto a main road without even realising it. A woman selling fruits by the roadside had to pull me back from the traffic. That’s when I knew how far gone I was.
Was this the final straw in your relationship with her?
No, we reconciled after she reached out to me a few days later. One weekend in 2022, she suggested I spend a weekend at her friend’s place because they had constant power. I needed the stability for a discovery call with a potential client for our marketing agency, so I agreed.
What happened there?
She had lied that he’d be travelling that weekend, but he was there along with his two roommates. I didn’t want to be demanding, so I just sat with it and hoped it would sort itself out. That night, she and the guy went into his room, and I was left on the couch in the parlour, by myself, in a house full of men I didn’t know.
That’s scary.
Exactly! I have a history of sexual assault, so I was already anxious. I kept fighting off sleep because I didn’t feel safe. When I eventually dozed off, I woke up to one of the men touching me inappropriately. When I sat up, scared, he walked back to his room. I sat there alone in the dark, shaking.
Gosh, I’m so sorry. Did you tell Jemi in the morning?
After she left for work the next morning, I texted her and told her what happened. She was upset. She came back, confronted him on my behalf, and he apologised. But it didn’t mean much to me, that’s medicine after death.
What did she do after that?
She sent me home with bus fare, and on the way, she texted to say she’d send me ₦30,000 naira for the client work. This was a ₦300,000 naira deal. I texted back and told her to keep it. The danfo driver literally became my comforter because I was crying the whole way home. When I got in, I wrote her one last message. I told her I was releasing everything, not out of bitterness, but for my peace of mind. I blocked her right after.
Were you guys ever in contact after that?
No. However, a year later, my brother showed me a picture on Instagram. She and the guy — the one at whose house everything happened — were dating. It was like a gut punch. I’m so glad that era is over.
How have these experiences affected the way you approach friendships now?
Honestly, it’s a no-go area. I’ve met genuinely good people, but there’s a wall I can’tbring down. I keep things surface-level, which is sad, because I used to dream of having a real best friend. The fantasy of one person who knows you completely, and who celebrates every chapter with you. It just hasn’t translated to my real life.
Will you ever give friendships with girls a chance again?
I don’t know. I’ve been praying about it. Maybe if I find someone who inspires that kind of connection in me again. If not, the loose friendships I have now will be okay.
*Names have been changed for anonymity.
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