Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
Sebastian* (24) and Lauretta* (23) met in 2023 during their uni’s Freshers’ week.
On this week’s Love Life, they talk about the financial crisis that brought them together, navigating a no-sex boundary for over a year, and why their first Valentine’s Day as a sexually active couple was both awkward and beautiful.
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What’s your earliest memory of each other?
Sebastian: Freshers’ week in 2023. I’d made up my mind that university was going to be different;I was somewhat of a nerd in secondary school. I wasn’t as cool as my classmates. Girls barely looked my way, and I just decided to focus on my studies.
Plus, I was young and couldn’t afford to keep a girlfriend on the little pocket money I got from home.
But when I came to university, I promised myself I wouldn’t let the same thing happen. So I started looking out for a potential babe right from the jump. During Freshers’ week, I noticed Lauretta. She was very reserved and kept to herself. That caught my attention because most of the other girls were loud and trying to make friends with everyone.
During one of the orientation lectures, I walked up to her and asked if I could sit next to her. She said yes, but she was not so warm. She gave very short answers to my questions — her name, where she was from and her hall of residence. She wasn’t rude, but she wasn’t warm either.
We had another lecture two days later, and I sat beside her again. This time, she was more receptive. She actually smiled when she saw me. We talked a bit more, and that’s how we became friends. Or at least, I thought we were becoming friends.
Lauretta: My first memory of Sebastian was in that lecture hall. Honestly, I hadn’t really paid any attention to him or the other guys. I didn’t even have time for that because I wasn’t sure if I’d remain in the school. There were lots of financial issues at home, and my parents suggested I defer my admission until they could sort things out.
So when this guy came and sat next to me during the lecture, asking me all these questions, I felt like he was a disturbance. I was polite because I didn’t want to be rude, but in my mind, I was thinking, ‘Please, I have bigger problems than making friends right now.’ The second time he came and sat beside me, I decided to give him an audience, so I wouldn’t come across as mean. That’s really all it was at first.
Right. What happened after the lecture hall encounters?
Sebastian: We spent most of the first semester in a strange phase: be wherever she was. And she would just entertain me out of courtesy. Looking back now, I realise she probably wasn’t interested at first. But I didn’t give up.
I’d text her to ask if she was going to a particular lecture, and if she said yes, I’d make sure I got there early to save a seat for her. Or I’d offer to walk her to the library. Small things like that. She never said no, but she was never really excited either. She just kept it civil.
Lauretta: He’s right. I was just being civil. I wasn’t thinking about him in any romantic way. The whole time, I was worried about whether I’d even be able to continue in school. I felt guilty for adding to my parents’ burden. So when Sebastian would show up and be friendly, I appreciated it, but I didn’t think much of it.
So, when did things take a turn?
Lauretta: I guess when we were about to write our first-semester exams. I still hadn’t paid my school fees. My parents had been trying, but they just couldn’t come up with the money. I was worried because I wouldn’t be allowed to write the exams if I hadn’t paid.
On the first day of exams, I couldn’t go into the hall because my name wasn’t on the list. I was standing outside, trying not to cry, when the exam ended, and everyone started coming out. Sebastian noticed and came over to ask what was wrong. I didn’t want to share my problems, but he seemed genuinely concerned. He was the only person who really cared enough to ask. So I opened up and told him about the school fees situation.
Sebastian: I felt so bad for her, but I didn’t have the money to help her. I was a student too, and I was depending on my parents. But the bursar was a distant uncle. So I took Lauretta to him and explained the situation. He was kind enough to let her write the exams with a promise that she’d pay before the end of the semester.
I didn’t think it was a big deal; I was just trying to help a friend. But that gesture really meant something to Lauretta. She told me later that it was the moment she began to see me differently.
Lauretta: It was everything. I’d been feeling so helpless and alone. And then Sebastian showed up and actually did something about it. That’s when I realised he wasn’t just some guy trying to befriend me for fun. He actually cared, and that gesture solidified his place in my heart as a friend.
Wait, a friend? Didn’t you want more, Sebastian?
Sebastian: When we returned for the second semester, I asked her out properly. I’d spent most of the holiday break time confessing my feelings over text and sending her lengthy love messages. I told her how I felt, how much I cared about her, how I wanted us to be together. But Lauretta said she’d only take me seriously if I said it in person when we met again.
I hadn’t asked her out in person during the first semester because the whole semester was rough for her due to the school fees issue. I didn’t want to seem insensitive or like I was taking advantage of her vulnerability. So I waited. When we resumed for the second semester, I manned up and asked her face-to-face. And she said yes.
Lauretta: I needed to confirm he was serious. It’s easy to type sweet things, but saying them face-to-face takes courage. When he actually did it, I knew he meant it. So I said yes.
I also told him I had a strict no-sex rule. I wanted us to take things slow and build our relationship on more than physical attraction.
Sebastian: I was fine with the no-sex rule. As long as we could cuddle and kiss, I was okay with waiting. I just wanted to be with her.
If you say so. What were the early days of your relationship like?
Lauretta: We did a lot of things together. We’d study together, eat together, and go to department events together. Sebastian lived in a private hostel, and his place was much better than mine. My hostel, on the other hand, was crowded, noisy, and just generally uncomfortable. So I started spending more and more time at his place until I moved in with him.
Sebastian:. Having her around was nice. We became really close during that period. We learned each other’s habits, what annoyed us, and what made us happy. It was a good foundation for our relationship.
Curious, what about the no-sex boundary? How did you navigate that?
Lauretta: It wasn’t easy, I’ll be honest. We were living together, sleeping in the same bed, and being intimate in other ways. The temptation was definitely there. But I’d made up my mind about it, and Sebastian respected that. We did everything else but penetrative sex. We had our boundaries, and we stuck to them.
Sebastian: There were moments when it was hard to hold back. But I’d agreed to it, and I didn’t want to pressure her. I cared about her more than I cared about sex. So we made it work and found other ways.
Plus, I’d never had penetrative sex, so it didn’t feel like I was missing out.
Fair enough.
Lauretta: Although we finally had sex on Valentine’s Day, 2024. By that point, we’d been together for about a year. I felt ready and secure in our relationship. I knew Sebastian wasn’t just with me for sex. He’d proven over and over again that he cared about me for who I was. So I decided I wanted to take that step with him.
Sebastian: Valentine’s Day felt like the perfect day for it. It was romantic, special. We’d talked about it, so it wasn’t a spontaneous decision. We both knew it was going to happen. We wanted it to be memorable.
Nice. How was the experience?
Lauretta: It was cute because it was a first-time experience for both of us. Neither of us had done it before. Even though we’d done everything else leading up to it, actual sex was different. We both expected it to be super great, you know, like in the movies. But the reality was that the first few tries were mostly clumsy and uncomfortable.
Sebastian: Yes, it wasn’t this magical, perfect thing right away. There was a lot of fumbling, trying to figure out what worked and what felt good. It was awkward at times. But we laughed about it. We just enjoyed being together and learning together.
But we’re better at it now. Practice makes perfect, right? I’m just glad our first time was with each other. There’s something special about going through that learning process together, which made it hotter in my opinion.
Another thing is just how Valentine’s Day now mean something else to us. It marks the day we took our relationship to a new level of intimacy and trust.
Lauretta: It’s really special to us. It reminds us of how patient we were with each other and respected each other’s boundaries. And it reminds us that the best things are worth waiting for.
You mentioned earlier that you were discovering new things about each other. What were these discoveries, and how did you navigate them?
Lauretta: Living together as students has its challenges. Money is always tight. We have to budget carefully for food, transportation, and other expenses. Sometimes we argue about little things, like whose turn it is to clean or cook. But we always work through it.
There’s also the nerdy part. I like to study at my own pace, but Sebastian wants us to pull all-nighters or binge-watch tutorials on YouTube. Sometimes it really makes him overbearing, but I’ve learnt to cope with him.
Sebastian: I mean, I like to see it being invested in our growth. We initially had a first-class goal, but a second-class upper is our goal now, and nothing’s stopping us.
For me, the biggest challenge right now is thinking about graduation. We’re both in our final year, and we’re worried about what happens after we leave school. We’ve practically spent the last four or so years together. We’ve stayed back in school during breaks and just spent time together. I’m not sure how we will go from that to not knowing when we’ll be together next. What if we end up in different cities for NYSC or for work? It’s scary to think about.
Lauretta: But we’re trying not to stress much about it. I’ve told him we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it. For now, we’re just focusing on finishing strong and enjoying the time we have together.
Rooting for y’all. What’s the best thing about being with each other?
Sebastian: The best thing about being with Lauretta is how comfortable I feel around her. I can be myself completely. I don’t have to pretend or try to impress her. She knows me, all my quirks and flaws, and she loves me anyway. She’s also incredibly supportive. When I’m stressed about school or worried about the future, she’s there to encourage me.
Lauretta: Sebastian is my best friend. He’s the person I want to share everything with. He’s patient, kind, and thoughtful. He showed up for me when I needed someone the most, and he’s never stopped showing up. I trust him completely. And honestly, he makes me laugh. We have so much fun together, even when we’re just doing nothing.
On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate your love life?
Sebastian: I’d give it a 9. We have something really special. We’ve built a strong foundation based on friendship, trust, and respect. We’ve navigated challenges and come out stronger. The only reason it’s not a 10 is that we still have the uncertainty of graduation ahead of us. But I’m confident we’ll figure it out.
Lauretta: I’d also say 9. Sebastian has been everything I could ask for in a partner. He’s supportive, patient, and loving. I’m excited about our future, even with all the unknowns. We’ll make it work because we both want to.
*Names have been changed to protect the identity of the subjects.
If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill out this form.
