Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
In 2017, Adeniyi* (41) and Idera* (36) met at a New Year’s carnival in Surulere, where a drink request turned into years of partnership.
On this week’s Love Life, they talk about finding an unexpected connection in a crowded party, navigating pregnancy and parenthood outside traditional marriage, and why they’re unbothered about tying the knot after 9 years and 3 kids.
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What’s your earliest memory of each other?
Adeniyi: I met Idera at the New Year’s carnival in Surulere on January 1, 2017. My friend had invited me to the previous year’s carnival, but I couldn’t make it and felt bad about it. So, when 2017 came around, I made it a priority to attend. The place was absolutely packed; the kind of party where you easily lose your friends in the crowd and not find them for hours. But somehow, in all that chaos, I spotted Idera at the drink stand. She was clearly in charge of distributing drinks, and what caught my attention was how serious she looked. She had this no-nonsense expression on her face, like she was on a mission.
I thought it would be fun to tease her a bit, so I walked up to her and confidently asked for a drink. She looked at me, shook her head, and said a very stern no.
I was genuinely surprised because I wasn’t expecting such a direct rejection, especially at a party where everyone was supposed to be in high spirits. But I didn’t take it personally. I just laughed it off, figured she had her reasons, and went back to enjoy the party with my friend.
Idera: He’s right about how I looked. I wasn’t trying to be rude or mean, but I had to be strict. I’d been helping organise that carnival since I was much younger. We do it every year in Surulere, and I’ve always been part of it because I live there. Over the years, I’d learned that if you’re in charge of drinks and you are nice and accommodating to everyone, the drinks will finish way too early. Then you’ll have problems on your hands.
Refusing Adeniyi that drink wasn’t personal; I was turning down lots of people that day. But later that night, things changed. I was walking through the crowd, and I passed by Adeniyi and his friend, whom I recognised; we knew each other from the neighbourhood. So I stopped to say hello and exchange pleasantries.
That’s when Adeniyi brought up how I’d refused to give him a drink earlier. He said it jokingly, but I still felt a bit bad about it. I apologised and explained my thinking, and he understood.
For the rest of the carnival, I made sure to take nice care of him. I brought him food and drinks, and checked in on him to see if he needed anything. I was trying to make up for that initial rejection.
Adeniyi: I asked for her number at the end of the night. It felt like the polite, friendly thing to do. We’d had a good time talking and she’d been very kind to me after our rocky start. But I wasn’t thinking about pursuing her romantically or anything like that. I was in a relationship at the time. I just wanted to stay in touch.
So what happened next? When did you two reconnect?
Adeniyi: About three months passed without any contact between us. Then one day, I was scrolling through Facebook, and Idera popped up as a friend suggestion. It was the first time I’d seen her or thought about her since the carnival. When I clicked on her profile and saw her photos, I was struck by how good she looked. Something about seeing her in that context made me curious about her again.
So I sent her a friend request. I didn’t really have a plan or agenda; I was just interested in reconnecting and seeing where things might go.
Idera: I recognised him from the carnival. The night had been memorable enough, and he’d left a good impression on me despite our awkward start. So I accepted his request without hesitation.
We started texting on Facebook, and the conversations were really light and playful. We teased each other about how neither of us had bothered to call or text after the party. The banter felt natural, like we’d known each other for longer.
Adeniyi: After texting for a few days, I decided to call her. I wanted to hear her voice and have a real conversation. That phone call marked the real beginning of us connecting properly. We talked for hours about everything —our childhoods, families, jobs, dreams, frustrations, our favourite foods, and our worst dating experiences. The conversations just flowed naturally. There was never an awkward silence or a moment where we struggled to find something to talk about.
Were you both single at this point?
Adeniyi: I had stopped seeing the girl I was seeing. The relationship had already run its course. So when I reconnected with Idera, I was completely free and open to seeing where things might lead.
Idera: I was talking to a few different guys. Nothing was exclusive or serious with any of them. But even though I was keeping my options open, Adeniyi was definitely getting the most attention from me. I found myself looking forward to his calls and messages more than the others. Our conversations were more interesting, more engaging. He seemed genuinely interested in getting to know the real me, not just the surface-level stuff.
Must have been nice. So, when did things shift from friendship to something romantic?
Adeniyi: I invited her over to my place after a month of regular conversations. We were both curious about spending time together in person after all our phone conversations. Then one visit turned into several visits. We never had any formal conversation where I asked her to be my girlfriend. It just happened organically. We were spending more and more time together, and eventually it became clear we were in a relationship.
Idera: I agree. We got comfortable with each other very quickly. I’d visit him at his place, and we’d spend entire days together. Sometimes we’d cook, he’d help me chop vegetables or season the meat while I handled the main cooking. Other times we’d just watch movies and cuddle. We both knew what was happening between us, even though we didn’t need to explicitly define it right away. We continued like this for almost a year. Then, we got the greatest shocker of our lives.
Tell me about it.
Idera: Around May 2018, I found out I was pregnant. I was already four months along when I discovered it.
Adeniyi: When she told me, I was completely shocked. Four months seemed impossible. How do you not know you’re pregnant for that long? But once she explained everything, it started to make sense.
Idera: I was still getting my period throughout those months, so I had no reason to suspect anything. If my period had stopped, I would have taken a pregnancy test immediately. The only symptom I’d been experiencing was feeling bloated a lot. My stomach felt uncomfortable and full most of the time. But I attributed it to work stress or my diet. Then I went to the hospital because I thought I had malaria. The doctors ran some tests and discovered I was pregnant. By that point, it was too late to do anything about the pregnancy, even if I wanted to consider that option. So whether we were ready or not, we were going to be parents.
How did you both take this news?
Adeniyi: I accepted it. There was really no other option in my mind. Idera was the first woman to ever get pregnant for me, and I couldn’t deny or run away from it. Plus, we were already in a relationship, and things had been going well between us. We cared about each other. So, even though the timing wasn’t planned, I decided we’d face this situation together as a team.
I called her after she told me, and we talked through everything. I wanted her to know that I’d be there and she wouldn’t go through this alone. I think that conversation helped both of us feel more settled about the situation.
Idera: I was really scared at first. I had so many questions running through my mind. How had I not known? What did this mean for my life? How would my family react? Could we afford a baby? Were we even ready to be parents? But his reaction helped calm me down. He didn’t panic or try to blame me, or question whether the baby was his. He just stepped up immediately and started talking about our baby and our future.
Did you try to get married before the baby arrived?
Adeniyi: We definitely discussed it. We talked about doing a proper introduction with our families, maybe a small traditional wedding ceremony. But when we sat down and looked at our finances, we realised it wasn’t feasible at that time. Between preparing for the baby and managing our regular expenses, we simply couldn’t afford a wedding on top of everything else.
We decided the responsible thing to do was to postpone the wedding until after the baby was born, hoping we’d be in a better financial position and do it properly.
Idera: I think we both believed that once the baby arrived and we got into a groove with parenthood, we’d circle back to planning our traditional and legal marriage. It felt like a temporary postponement, so I was fine with it.
Right. So did the wedding ever happen?
Adeniyi: No. After our first child, Idera moved in with me and we started building our life and family together. Life just kept happening. We were learning how to be parents and adjusting to our new normal. Before we knew it, we were pregnant with our second child. And then our third.
The years flew by. We were so caught up in the day-to-day reality of raising children, managing work, paying bills, and dealing with the normal challenges of life. We pushed wedding plans further and further down the priority list. There was always something more urgent or more important that needed our attention and resources.
Idera: There was always a reason why it wasn’t the right time. And honestly, after a while, the urgency faded. We were already living as husband and wife in every meaningful way. We were raising children together, sharing finances, making major life decisions together, and supporting each other through hard times. What would a wedding certificate actually change about our daily reality?
What was it like adjusting to living together, especially with children?
Idera: It definitely wasn’t easy, and I won’t pretend it was all smooth sailing. When you’re dating someone and spending occasional time together, you don’t really see all sides of their personality. You see their best behaviour mostly. But when you move in together, and you’re dealing with the stress of a newborn baby, everything comes out.
I discovered sides of Adeniyi that I hadn’t seen before. He could be very quick to get angry, especially when he was tired or stressed. His patience would run thin very quickly. Another thing that really bothered me was his partying. Even after we had the baby, he’d go out with his friends, sometimes staying out very late. Meanwhile, I felt like I was handling most of the responsibility at home. It created resentment on my part because I felt like the weight of parenthood was falling more heavily on me.
Adeniyi: She’s right about some of that. I wasn’t the most patient person, especially in those early days of fatherhood. I was dealing with my own stress about being a new parent, financial pressure, changes in my life, and I didn’t always handle it well. And yes, I probably went out more than I should have during that period.
But I also noticed things about Idera that frustrated me. She nagged a lot. She would bring up the same issues, sometimes multiple times in one day. If I didn’t do something exactly the way she wanted or exactly when she wanted, she’d go on and on about it.
However, I always appreciated how prayerful she was. She kept the home spiritually grounded, and that was something I really respected and valued. Even when we were arguing about other things, I never doubted her commitment to our family or her faith.
Idera: Over time, we both learned to navigate each other better. We figured out what triggered each other, what we needed to work on, and how to communicate more effectively. You have to learn and adapt as you build a life together, especially when children are involved.
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Idera, did you feel pressure from your family about not being legally married?
Idera: My parents were very unhappy about the situation. They frequently complained about it. They wanted us to do things the proper way and make everything official before our families and community. My mother would make comments about how I was setting a bad example. My father didn’t say much but he shared the same concerns.
But both of my parents have passed away now, and that chapter is closed. I’ve also reached a point in my life where I’ve made peace with our situation.
Adeniyi: If Idera woke up tomorrow and said she really wanted to have a wedding, I wouldn’t be opposed to it. But she doesn’t seem particularly bothered by the current situation, and neither am I.
Right. What would you say is the best thing about being together?
Idera: Adeniyi is a provider in the truest sense. He consistently and reliably takes care of his family. I never have to doubt whether he’ll show up for us financially or emotionally. Even during hard times when money has been tight, always found a way to make sure we have what we need.
Adeniyi: Idera is the backbone of our home. But beyond all the practical things she does, what I really admire about her is her resilience. We’ve been through a lot together over these nine years, and through it all, she has always found a way to push forward with grace and determination.
How would you rate your love life on a scale of 1 to 10?
Adeniyi: I’d give it a solid 8. We’re in this till death do us part.
Idera: I’d also give it an 8. Despite everything, I wouldn’t want to be doing this journey with anyone else.
*Names have been changed to protect the identity of the subjects.
