Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
After matching on Tinder in November 2024, Anu* (27) and Paul* (29) spent the next year stuck in an exhausting cycle of texting, fizzling out, and reconnecting whenever he visited Lagos from Port Harcourt.
On this week’s Love Life, they talk about the frustrating uncertainty of almost-relationships, how getting intimate changed everything, and if they can finally commit when distance has been the problem all along.
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What’s your earliest memory of each other?
Paul: November 2024. I was in Lagos for work and decided to open Tinder. I wasn’t really looking for anything serious, I was just browsing. When I saw Anu’s profile, I thought, “Okay, she’s beautiful.”
I swiped right, and we matched almost immediately.
Anu: I remember his profile. He had this picture of him at a beach, smiling, looking very relaxed. I thought he looked fun, so I swiped right. His first message came pretty quickly. Something witty, not the usual “hey” or “what’s up.” I appreciated that.
Paul: We started texting on the app, and the conversation flowed easily. She was funny, smart, and quick with her responses. I told her I was in Lagos for the week and suggested we meet up. I was so excited when she said yes
Did you meet up that week?
Anu: No. He had many things lined up—meetings, catching up with friends, and family obligations. Every time we tried to set a date, something would come up. By the end of the week, he was heading back to Port Harcourt, and we still hadn’t met.
Paul: I felt terrible about it. I really wanted to see her, but my schedule was just packed. I promised her I’d be back in Lagos and we’d definitely meet then. But I could tell she was losing interest.
Anu: I was. Like, we’d matched, talked, and then nothing happened. It felt like one of those situations where the momentum dies because logistics get in the way. I mentally checked out after that. I told myself it was nice while it lasted, but it probably wasn’t going anywhere.
Right. Did you guys stay in touch?
Paul: I did. I kept reaching out on WhatsApp, sending her memes, checking in on how her day and calling her occasionally. I liked her. I didn’t want to let the connection die just because we hadn’t met in person.
Anu: He was persistent, I’ll give him that. But I wasn’t emotionally invested. I responded to his messages because it felt rude not to, but I wasn’t actively engaging. I wasn’t initiating conversations or looking forward to hearing from him.
Paul, did you notice this?
Paul: I did, but I hoped that if I kept the communication going, she’d come around. I thought she just needed time to see that I was serious about getting to know her.
So I kept reaching out for months. Anu checked all my boxes. She’s pretty petite, smart, and funny; everything I find attractive in a woman. And beyond that, our conversations, even when they were surface-level, felt natural. I didn’t want to give up on something that had potential just because of distance.
Anu: I didn’t see it that way; distance was a total dealbreaker. I wasn’t interested in doing long distance with someone I’d not even met in person. I’d seen friends try it, and it never worked out. So I kept him at arm’s length.
Fair enough. So how long did this go on?
Anu: Nine months. From November 2024 to August 2025. He’d text, I’d reply. He’d call, I’d pick up occasionally. But I wasn’t invested. I was exploring other options, going on dates with guys in Lagos and living my life. Paul was just there in the background.
Paul: I could tell she was seeing other people. And honestly, I couldn’t be upset about it because we weren’t together. But it stung a bit, knowing I was putting in effort and she was barely meeting me halfway.
At what point did things take a turn, though?
Paul: August 2025. I told her I’d be in Lagos again for a few days. I think that’s when she started paying attention again.
Anu: Yeah, the possibility of actually meeting made me reconsider. I thought, “Okay, maybe I should give this a real shot. If we meet and there’s nothing there, at least I’ll know for sure.”
So I was more enthusiastic this time. I responded more quickly, asked him about his plans, and tried to ensure we’d actually meet up.
And did you meet this time?
Paul: Yes, but only on my last day in Lagos. My schedule was still packed with work stuff, and by the time I was free, I was literally about to head back to Port Harcourt the next morning. But I made time for her because I’d been waiting almost a year to see her in person.
We met at a restaurant in Victoria Island. She looked exactly like her pictures, which was a relief. Some people don’t. But more than that, being around her in person confirmed everything I’d felt over those months of texting. I liked her even more.
Anu: I was nervous the whole time, which surprised me. I hadn’t felt nervous about seeing him before. But when he walked in, I felt something shift. He looked better in person; taller than I expected, and he had this warm energy that came through immediately.
We talked about everything for hours. He told me about Port Harcourt, his job, and why he was always in Lagos. I told him about my life in Lagos and my career plans. It didn’t feel like a first date; it felt like we were just picking up a conversation we’d been having for months. In a way, we were.
Paul: I didn’t want the night to end. When I finally dropped her off at home, I told her I wanted to see her again. She said, “We’ll see.” I went back to Port Harcourt feeling hopeful.
Anu: I’ll admit meeting in person slightly changed how I felt about him. I started thinking we could actually work. He wasn’t just some guy on the internet anymore; he was real, and I’d enjoyed spending time with him. But I still had my reservations about the distance.
Curious, what happened after he went back to Port Harcourt?
Paul: This time, things were different. She was more responsive. We’d video call almost every night, talk for hours about random things. She’d send me pictures of what she was doing during the day. It felt like we were actually building something.
Anu: I was more present this time. I was starting to care about what he thought, about how his day was going. I looked forward to our calls.
Paul: I brought up making things official a month after I returned to Port Harcourt, but she said no.
Why did you say no, Anu?
Anu: The distance. I told him I couldn’t do long distance. I’d never done it before, and I didn’t want to start with someone I’d only met once in person. I feared I was setting myself up for failure.
Paul: I understood her concern, but it still hurt. I thought we’d moved past that and the connection we’d built over those months meant something.
Soon, the energy started fizzling out again. The calls got shorter, less frequent. I was frustrated she wouldn’t commit; she was frustrated because she felt pressured into something she wasn’t ready for.
I eventually backed off a bit. I didn’t want to push her away completely, but I also didn’t want to keep putting in all the effort if she wasn’t on the same page.
Anu: For a few months, we were back to sporadic messages and occasional calls. I’d mentally checked out again.
I see. So what brought you back together?
Paul: Around November, I told her I’d be in Lagos in December. Not just a few days, the whole month. I had some work things to sort out, and I’d also be spending the holidays with family.
Anu: I didn’t get too excited when he first told me. I’d heard it before, and he always turned out to be too busy to hang out. So I was like, “Okay, cool. Let me know when you’re free.”
Paul: I made sure I was available this time. I cleared my schedule as much as possible because I wanted to spend quality time with her.
Right. How did that go?
Anu: He was surprisingly available. We hung out multiple times; went to the movies, got dinner, and drove around Lagos talking. It felt good. It felt like we were finally getting to know each other properly.
Paul: Those weeks in December were everything I’d been hoping for since we first matched. We were together building memories. We also had our first intimate moment together, and I really liked that. I felt like this was finally it; we were going to make it work.
Anu, did getting intimate change how you felt about the relationship?
Anu: Yes and no. On one hand, it made me feel closer to him. Like, we’d crossed a line, and now things were more real. But on the other hand, it also clouded my judgment. I began to wonder if I was making decisions based on emotions and physical attraction rather than logic. Because the distance issue is still there. It hasn’t gone away.
Paul: I’ve been pressing for us to make things official before I leave. I’ve told her I’m willing to do the distance. I’ll visit as often as I can, and we can make it work, but she’s still hesitant.
Anu: I’m not sure if I can do it. Long distance is hard. I’ve seen it drain people, and I don’t want to be in a situation where I’m constantly waiting for him to visit Lagos. What if the distance demands too much? What if we resent each other for it? And now that we’ve been intimate, it feels even more complicated. Like, I care about him more than I did before. I’m also scared that caring more will make the distance hurt even more.
But have you talked about what a long-distance relationship would look like for you both?
Paul: We’ve touched on it, but we haven’t really planned it out. Part of the problem is that she doesn’t want to plan for something she’s not sure she wants.
Anu: That’s fair. Also, I need to know what I’m signing up for. How often would we see each other? What happens if one of us gets overwhelmed? What’s the end goal? Is someone moving eventually, or are we doing this indefinitely?
Paul: I’m open to moving to Lagos if things get serious enough. If she’s willing, she could also move to Port Harcourt. But that’s a conversation for later. Right now, I just want us to commit to trying.
Anu: Honestly? I don’t know. Maybe I need him to stay in Lagos longer so I can gauge if this can actually work beyond a few weeks. Or maybe I just need to stop overthinking and take the leap. I don’t have the answer yet.
Fair enough. What’s the best thing about being with each other?
Paul: She makes me feel seen. When we’re together, the rest of the world fades away. She’s funny, she’s smart, she challenges me. I can’t imagine finding someone else who checks all my boxes the way she does.
Anu: He’s consistent. Even when I was distant and wasn’t giving him much, he stayed. That says a lot about his character. And when we’re together, it’s easy. I don’t have to pretend or perform. I can just be myself.
How would you rate your love life on a scale of 1-10?
Paul: A 7. We have something real, but the uncertainty is holding us back. If she commits, I think we could easily be a 9 or 10.
Anu: I’d say a 6. I care about him, but the distance looms over everything. I can’t fully enjoy what we have when I’m constantly worried about what happens if he leaves.
*Names have been changed to protect the identity of the subjects.
If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill out this form.
