For many bisexual women, relationships with men and women feel very different. Not always because of attraction, but because of how intimacy shows up in their relationships. With some partners, there is care, trust, and the freedom to be vulnerable. With others, there is caution, testing, and walls that never come down. It is the difference between feeling truly seen and feeling like you always have to perform or protect yourself.
We asked nine bisexual women: What does it feel like to date women, and how is it different from dating men? How does intimacy change when the gender of your partner changes, even though your capacity to love stays the same?
1. “With women, the baseline is already care” — Mimi*, 25
Women are generally more gentle, even during intimacy. What men do and call the greatest acts of love is what women call the basic standard. It is not even a competition; the bar for men is so low that when they do the bare minimum, we are expected to throw a parade. But with women, the baseline is already care, thoughtfulness and showing up fully.
With women, you have to put more effort, but you want to, and it feels easier because of the understanding and the love. There is no pretending or performing a version of yourself that you think they want to see. You can be vulnerable with ease because if it is genuine, it will be matched. Band for band. Energy for energy. Women are a lot easier to love because the love feels mutual and reciprocal in a way that does not require convincing or decoding.
You can easily tell when a woman wants you. The mixed signals are a lot with men, the hot and cold, the I’m not ready for a relationship, but let me act like your boyfriend, all that confusion. With women, there is clarity. When she is interested, you know. When she cares, you feel it. It is not a guessing game.
2. “Dating women is a lot more intimate and intense” — Layo*, 22
I feel truly seen when I am with women. With men, everything I do feels like a test to see if I am truly wife material. It is all performance. The most common thing a lot of women would relate to is being asked what they can cook. When men ask that 95 per cent of the time, they are sizing you up for a long-term girlfriend or a quick smash. If a woman asks me, it is genuine curiosity wanting to know more about you and evaluate shared activities.
I used to label myself as bisexual in uni, but that does not fit me anymore. I also cannot call myself a lesbian because I still find a few men attractive, so I stick to queer. With men, sex always feels like a threat, and I cannot wait for it to be over. I can count the number of times guys have made me cum on one hand. With women, I am more present, feel loved and cherished and reciprocate that even to masculine women. Romance with ladies feels divine. I find myself anticipating holding hands.
3. “I mostly date men because it is easier socially” — Amina*, 28
I have always been attracted to women, but in my twenties, I found it simpler to date men. Society made queer relationships harder to navigate; my bisexuality often felt invisible or complicated. With men, dating followed the expected script: family approval, public outings, and Instagram-friendly appearances. It was not that I preferred men; it was just easier to be seen and accepted.
Even though I would prefer to explore my attraction to women, I value safety and predictability. I notice the men who are genuinely attentive and emotionally available. They are rare, but when they exist, they make me feel cherished in ways my experiences with women have not always allowed.
4. “One lacks emotional safety, the other is rooted in it” — Semi*, 30
The difference between dating men versus women is clear: one lacks emotional safety, the other is rooted in it. My last relationship with a woman, despite being short, was the most I ever felt like a woman in a relationship. The thoughtfulness, the gentleness, the safety, it was everything I had not found in a man. Some may think I have the tendency to cheat because I am attracted to both genders, but it is not the case. I am polyamorous, bisexual, not a cheating one.
If I had to summarise dating men versus women in a sentence, one is like eating an apple, the other is a juicy pineapple. You gerrit?
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5. “It is like having a best friend you can also make love to.” — Hope*, 31
Dating men is like walking a landmine. You are waiting for him to inevitably say something stupid or misogynistic. I have not dated a man in a long time because I am tired of them. Some barely hide their dislike for women while claiming to love them.
With women, it is consuming. Our capacity to love and be empathetic makes romantic relationships deeper from the start. Being with a woman is delicious, it is like having a best friend you can also make love to. Nobody can love a woman like another woman. This is true even for non-romantic relationships, which is why it feels like death whenever it ends. Just search WLW breakups on TikTok. It’s a universal experience.
The first time I kissed a girl versus a boy, I felt a clear difference. I catch the ick quickly with men and cut them off. I forget them or block them immediately. With women, I am softer, more willing to be vulnerable, protective. Masc or femme does not matter; that is still my girl. I can cuddle for hours and show affection without overthinking.
6. “Dating men allows me to avoid constantly explaining myself or worrying about judgment.” — Chiamaka*, 35
I am attracted to women and men, but I often date men because it is less complicated socially and professionally. Growing up in Lagos, queer relationships have always needed secrecy. Dating men allows me to avoid constantly explaining myself or worrying about judgment.
With men, I can experience care and attention without having to decode mixed signals or fearing societal scrutiny. I enjoy affectionate gestures, shared routines and knowing my partner is protective and supportive. I also enjoy sex with men just as much as I do with women. However, it is not that I prefer men, but the stability they give allows me space to navigate my identity with less stress.
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7. “We both just equally fall into this rhythm of over-loving” — Starr*, 26
There are differences beyond them being men or women; there’s also the difference of whether they’re bisexual, lesbian, straight, or just individual differences. I wouldn’t say there’s a stark difference between men and women strictly.
Generally, dating queer people, especially bisexual people, is easier. You feel normal with them. It’s more open. You share so many things, especially community, which is very important for queer people.
With men, I feel like I am doing too much, giving too much. Most men are not in tune with emotions or vulnerability, which builds walls. With women, we fall into a rhythm of over-loving. We are besties, lovers, family. I’m not out, but she is close to my family, and I know hers. It feels like sharing a life force. Fights rarely destroy the relationship. Even after separation, there is care. With men, breakups need someone to be at fault. With women, those are my shawties, my ride-or-dies.
I have been misunderstood because of my bisexuality. A man once accused me of cheating just because I was affectionate with a female friend. Focus on me, not the labels or expectations.
8. “With men there is always this wall I keep up” — Wunmi*, 19
I have only been with one woman, but I loved it way more than with any other gender. The difference was immediate, night and day.
I used to send nudes freely to her, whereas with men, I cringed at the thought. It was not about the nudes themselves; it was trust. With men, there is a lingering discomfort of feeling objectified. With women, there is no fear of weaponisation.
I was more emotionally available with her. Vulnerable and intimate conversations were not forced; they were natural. People have misunderstood my bisexuality. A boy laughed when I told him I was bi-, it felt dismissive. With women, I can just be.
9. “Things changed when she found out I was bi. She feared I could leave her for a man.” — Tomi*, 29
I prefer women, but have only been with one so far. Earlier this year, I liked a girl who assumed I was a lesbian. Things changed when she found out I was bi. She feared I could leave her for a man. We had many conversations, but we eventually stopped talking. I understand her reservations. I had only dated men before being single for years, and had only one woman in my life. I probably seemed like a bi-curious girl looking to play, but I genuinely liked her and saw potential for long-term. That ship has sailed, but I still think of her.
Loyalty is packed into my psyche. I live for love. I cannot betray or cheat anyone I love. Once I commit, I see it through, whether man or woman. Many past relationships should have ended long ago, but I held on because of the depth of my feelings.
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