Every week, Zikoko spotlights the unfiltered stories of women navigating life, love, identity and everything in between.
What She Said will give women the mic to speak freely, honestly and openly, without shame about sex, politics, family, survival, and everything else life throws our way.
Vanessa*, 32, dropped out of university almost a decade ago to chase her dream of leaving Nigeria. The plan was simple: save up, leave quietly, start over. But things took a sharp turn when her younger brother found out and told their father. What followed was chaos: arrests, debts, and years of rebuilding. It wasn’t easy, but as she says, “Homegirl had a goal and a mission. Watch her.”
What was your childhood like?
I grew up in a very wealthy home, but I don’t think I’d call it a happy one. My father had plenty of money, but he was stingy with it and even stingier with affection. He was the kind of man who would buy drinks for an entire table at the club but argue with you over buying a new bra.
My mum left when I was a teenager. She couldn’t take it anymore, the constant shouting, the insults, the humiliation. She moved abroad and never really looked back. Sometimes I wonder if she left us or just saved herself.
After she left, the house became unbearable. My father would pick fights over small things, like if I stayed out too late at a friend’s or didn’t cook something right. I learned early to shrink myself.
What were you studying in school?
Computer Science, but not by choice. My dad picked it. He said it was “the future,” that it would make me rich. But I’ve never been the tech type. I wanted to study English or maybe education. I liked words, teaching, and helping people learn. But in my house, wanting something different was rebellion.
Every semester felt like a punishment. I was showing up to classes I hated, surrounded by people who actually enjoyed what they were doing, and I felt stuck. Like I was living someone else’s life.
When did you first start thinking about leaving Nigeria?
Honestly, since secondary school. I’d see people online talking about moving abroad; studying, teaching, starting over, and I’d feel this ache in my chest. I didn’t want luxury. I just wanted peace.
There was a particular day that sealed it. My dad was shouting at my younger sister over nothing. I was trying to calm him down, and he said, “You think you can ever amount to anything without me?” That sentence was like a punch to my gut. It became my fuel.
How did you start planning to leave?
At first, it was just fantasy: saving pictures of passports and visas, watching YouTube videos about life abroad. Then it became real when I met a friend who had “connections.” Not official ones, more like people who could arrange travel for a fee.
I was going to leave with my younger sister. She was 13 at the time. We decided to stay with a woman in Warri while waiting for our papers. We needed money, so I got creative.
The plan was to sell my cousin’s old car, with her permission (she was going to get a cut as well), and the TV from my father’s sitting room. I also didn’t pay my school fees that semester; I figured, what’s the point if I’m not coming back? We packed a few clothes, cooked up a lie about visiting friends, and started moving things quietly.
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How did your brother find out?
My dad had travelled. He was on a business trip. My brother, who was 19 at the time, was at home when my sister and I started moving things around. I wasn’t there for about a week. I’d gone to school to pack up my remaining things. That was when my brother noticed the TV was gone and immediately got suspicious.
He started asking my sister too many questions. She tried to brush it off, but he could sense something was up. Later that night, it turns out, he called my dad and told him everything. That was how we got caught before even leaving.
The next morning, my friend sent a driver to pick up my sister and the rest of the things we’d packed. But before they could leave the compound, my dad had already called two of my uncles. They showed up, blocked the car, and accused the driver of stealing. They beat him up and dragged him to the police station. The poor man didn’t even understand what was going on, he thought it was just another errand.
My sister called me in tears. That was how I knew everything had fallen apart.
What happened after the plan fell apart?
Chaos. After my sister called, screaming that they’d been caught. My dad called me next, shouting that I was a disgrace. He said if I wanted to become a prostitute, I should go ahead and never come back to his house.
The driver called from the police station, saying he’d been detained for “theft.” We had to borrow from loan apps to bail him out. That’s how I ended up using some of the money made to sort him out and rest to deal with the fallout of my plan failing. There were people I owed money to that I was meant to settle with the money we would make from the sale of the car and TV. Unfortunately, my dad bought that car for my cousin, so he claimed it during this entire fiasco. I had to borrow to sort so much. I ended up drowning in debt before ever leaving Nigeria.
For weeks, I couldn’t eat. I was just numb.
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How did things change with your brother after that?
My brother has always modelled our father. Doing everything in his power to be just like him. Still, he was my brother, and we had good moments. After this, we stopped talking completely. He claimed he was “protecting” us, but what he really did was destroy everything I was building. He’s reached out a few times since then, but I’ve never forgiven him.
People think betrayal only hurts when it comes from friends or lovers. They forget family can cut even deeper.
Did you ever reconcile with your father?
We’re civil. He still calls sometimes, mostly to brag about how well he’s doing. I respond politely, but there’s no love left. When I see his name on my phone, I still hesitate before picking up.
He thinks I’m ungrateful. I think he’s cruel. There’s no winning that argument.
What did you do after leaving school?
I tried to survive. I worked as a customer service rep during the day and tutored kids in the evening. It wasn’t glamorous, but it paid rent. I started saving again: small, small.
Every month, I’d put something aside for my “escape fund.” I didn’t know how or when, but I was going to leave. That was my only goal.
How did you finally make it out?
It took almost six years. I applied for scholarships that didn’t pan out, tried to study abroad, and got scammed once. Then I discovered TEFL: Teaching English as a Foreign Language. I didn’t even have to be a native speaker; I just needed the certification.
I saved for the course for almost a year. I’d teach/ work during the day, come home tired, and study at night. When I finally got certified, I applied to schools in China. I got rejected so many times that I almost gave up. Then, finally, one school said yes.
I remember the day my visa got approved. I sat on the floor and cried. Not because I was happy but because I’d finally done something for myself.
How’s life in China now?
Peaceful. Different. Hard, sometimes, the culture shock was real, but peaceful. I wake up, teach, take walks, and no one’s shouting at me. I rent my own place. I buy what I want. I’m learning to live without fear.
I also send money home to my sister because if I do not, who will?
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Looking back, do you regret anything?
I regret not planning better. I regret trusting my brother. But dropping out? Trying to leave? No. That was the best decision I ever made. It taught me resilience.
Sometimes, I think about that scared 23-year-old girl crying on the floor after the plan failed. I wish I could tell her, “Don’t worry, you’ll get out. Not today, not tomorrow, but you will.”
What’s next for you?
I’m studying part-time to get a degree in education. I want to open a learning centre someday, maybe in China, maybe back home if things ever get better. I want to help young women find ways out that don’t involve running blind like I did.
I am also waiting for my sister to join me. Her Visa finally got approved, and she’s been accepted to a university here, in the city I live in. I am funding virtually everything, and I could not be happier.
Anything else you’d like to share?
I need any young girl trapped in a difficult or abusive home to understand that freedom might not come quickly, but I swear, it will come. Keep your head down, plan quietly, and don’t announce your dreams to people who won’t understand them.
And most importantly, believe that you deserve better. Because you do.
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