Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
Grace* (27) and Gabriel* (29) met in university as coursemates but barely noticed each other until their third year in 2019. A friendship slowly blossomed, and a kiss from Grace sealed their transition into a relationship.
On this week’s Love Life, they talk about moving from campus sweethearts to navigating long distance, clashing priorities, and why jokes and female friendships almost tore them apart.
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What’s your earliest memory of each other?
Gabriel: My earliest memory of Grace goes back to our undergraduate days. We were coursemates but barely spoke. We just existed in the same space for about two years without acknowledging each other. Still, she caught my attention a few times. Somehow, in our third year, we finally started talking.
What exactly caught your attention about her?
Gabriel: Her long hair. I really admired it. She also had a noticeable birthmark on her neck. Those features made her impossible to miss. Beyond that, she didn’t exist to me.
Grace: He’s right. We barely crossed paths in our first and second years, even though we were coursemates. But it wasn’t just Gabriel I didn’t notice; I barely acknowledged most of the boys in my department. I was more focused on my school work and female friendships.
In May 2019, our third year, we started talking. It’s hard to remember the details of our first interaction. I think it was about schoolwork, and we picked it up from there. Gabriel helped me with assignments I struggled with and was pleasant to be around. Before then, I assumed he was playful; the class clown everyone laughed at. That annoyed me.
When we started hanging out, I realised there was more to him. I saw his serious and composed side. I’d visit his hostel, and we’d talk, watch movies, and he’d even cook for me.
Gabriel: She probably doesn’t remember, but I approached her first in 2019. She was having issues with her roommate, who was also my friend. I asked to hear her side of the story, and I could tell she was hurt. I didn’t like seeing her that way, so I made a vow to myself to always make her happy.
Sweet. So how did things progress afterwards? Did you both get into a friendship phase?
Gabriel: In a way, yes. I had countless crushes on other girls but never acted on any because I was shy.
So even when Grace and I got close, I didn’t show my intentions immediately. I could barely look into her eyes. It was a lot of friendly catching up. I also noticed she enjoyed being with her female friends, so most times it was all of us gisting and watching movies together.
Grace: Even when it was just us, he barely spoke. We’d watch movies on his laptop in silence. But eventually, he got comfortable.
Curious, Grace, did you feel any type of way about him at the time?
Grace: At first, I saw him as a friend. About a month after we started talking, I realised I had a crush. I remember him standing up to submit his papers during a test, and I felt butterflies in my stomach.
Gabriel: I enjoyed spending time with her, and soon realised I liked her. But I kept my feelings to myself for two reasons.
First, I was shy and didn’t know how to communicate my intentions. Second, it felt like bad timing because of her issue with her roommate. I thought she needed time to heal.
Right. So, did you eventually make a move?
Grace: He didn’t. He kept wasting time until I took matters into my hands.
Gabriel: She knew I liked her, but I was too shy to say it. One day when I visited her, we spent time catching up. Then she kissed me and asked when I was going to tell her how I felt. My heart was pounding. I couldn’t believe it, but I also knew I had to take charge of that moment. Let’s just say we became an item after that kiss on June 29, 2019.
Grace: I’m the sort of person who goes for what I want, especially if I really want it. I wanted Gabriel, and waited for him to say it, but he didn’t. We were about to end a session, and I knew nothing would happen if neither of us acted.
Gabriel: That’s true. We wouldn’t be here today if she hadn’t kissed me that day.
You were going to let the potential love of your life walk away?
Gabriel: I hadn’t dated anyone before Grace; she was my first. Like I said, I was used to crushing from afar. So a part of me was fine with staying single.
Interesting. Grace, did you realise you were about to be his first, and did you trust he could handle it?
Grace: I did, and it was never an issue. I had some experience because I’d dated before and was willing to teach him.
I see. So, what were the early days of the relationship like?
Grace: They were really sweet. Gabriel was always present and enjoyed cooking for me because I’m the lazy one — still am. He was attentive to my needs, sometimes overly so. I remember telling him the relationship didn’t have to be the only important thing in his life. I encouraged him to connect with others and have experiences outside of us. I don’t remember fighting in those first years because we aligned on many levels.
We were broke, but money didn’t define our relationship. He still bought me gifts he could afford, and we tried recipes we found online. I wouldn’t trade those years for anything.
Gabriel: Everything she said. I don’t think I overdid it, though. I was just overwhelmed and didn’t want to fall short. It was my first real relationship. To me, if you like someone, you should always want to be around them. That’s why I was clingy. I don’t think that’s the case anymore.
But how did you feel about Grace asking you to cultivate a life outside your relationship?
Gabriel: I didn’t like hearing that. I felt that entertaining connections outside our relationship would distract me and not make me as committed as I should be to her. I tried to explain to Grace, but she wasn’t having it. Eventually, I listened, but I was really intentional about the people I entertained. Again, I had my eyes only for Grace, and I didn’t want to be distracted.
Neat. Considering that the early years were solid, how did the relationship evolve over time?
Gabriel: We were still riding hard for each other. But cracks started showing in 2021 when we left school. We were about to move from spending every day together to a long-distance relationship. She returned to Lagos, and I had to go back to Kogi.
Even though I’d always planned to leave Kogi, I couldn’t then. Sad as it was, the day came when we said goodbye. I saw her off to the park amid tears, returned to my room, and stayed indoors for two days. I didn’t know how to handle the relationship anymore. Weeks later, I also packed my things and returned home.
Grace: The separation was hard, but not just because of distance. We managed that well, with frequent communication. He also moved to Lagos the following year.
Outside the distance, life was happening to us. We were facing a new phase of adulthood without a manual. On top of that, I unconsciously prioritised my female friendships over us, and I think that affected our relationship. Gabriel thought I preferred them to him.
But was this the case?
Grace: Well, in a way. Back in school, I realised we didn’t enjoy the same social settings. I loved being with my girlies because they brought out an extroverted side of me I rarely showed. Gabriel, on the other hand, didn’t like those spaces. He made it clear he preferred private moments, so we couldn’t find a middle ground. Whenever the issue came up, he shut down and concluded I’d always pick my friends over him. This continued even when we were apart.
Gabriel: Her bond with her friends wasn’t new to me. I’d noticed it from the early days and thought I could cope, but it only got stronger. I can’t say much has changed, but I had to learn to accept it.
At the same time, life was kicking me in the ass. I’d moved to Lagos to live with my uncle and expected him to help me settle in, but that never happened. I had to figure things out alone. In between all this, I was having issues with Grace. It hurt because she was part of my motivation for relocating, yet she was also hurting me in ways she didn’t realise. And even when she apologised, I never believed she truly meant it.
Grace: He’s not entirely blame-free; he played his part in our issues, too. Gabriel became really insensitive to my feelings. He made light of situations and cracked expensive jokes I didn’t find funny. Whenever I explained how his jokes made me feel, he brushed it off and said I couldn’t take a joke. I can’t even remember the specifics anymore because I’ve buried them in my subconscious.
But did either of you share how you felt?
Gabriel: Countless times. We always ended the conversations in tears because we wanted to share our feelings. We’d follow up with prayers, but nothing changed. I still think she doesn’t know how to take a joke.
Grace: This is exactly what I’m complaining about. He doesn’t know when to stop.
Anyway, I always tried to express my discontent with some of his actions, but it often felt like speaking into thin air.
I imagine so. Since you both couldn’t resolve your issues, did you consider walking away?
Grace: Yes, twice. But the second time was more serious. By then, I felt conversations weren’t moving us forward. We’d talk, but never act on making things better. Any change barely lasted a week before old patterns returned. He constantly made jokes about my beliefs and values, sometimes turning them into gender wars. He’d expect me to laugh along and move on, but I was done. I knew I could be alone and didn’t need a relationship to thrive. It didn’t matter how far we had come — I was tired of explaining myself. So, I broke things off in January 2025.
Gabriel: I was close to ending things in December 2023. I wanted to block her and never hear from her again, but I spoke to my mum about it. She told me, “With everything you’re going through in no man’s land (Lagos), breaking up with the person you laugh with isn’t the best decision. Give it time and you’ll be fine.”
Her words stayed with me. So, when Grace tried to walk away the second time, I knew I had to act fast. She had completely withdrawn, and it felt serious. I took time off work and visited her. She didn’t want to let me in at first. She made me wait outside until I went on my knees and begged. Eventually, we had another long conversation about what we could do better.
But why were you bent on getting back together since you kept having issues?
Gabriel: From the start of the relationship, I vowed to make Grace’s happiness my purpose. Sure, I’d fallen short, but I still wanted her. I was willing to give it another shot and try again. And I guess it worked if we’re still here.
Grace: Honestly, I knew another conversation wouldn’t magically fix us. We’d had plenty before with no lasting result. But deep down, I knew Gabriel was still the kind partner who loved me and was committed to my happiness. Walking away from that wasn’t easy.
Right. How are you navigating the issues that almost tore you apart these days?
Grace: I’m trying to cope, especially with his unflattering jokes that get on my nerves. Even now, he insists I can’t take a joke and says my laughter is fake when I try.
Gabriel: Sometimes it really does sound theatrical.
Grace: See? There’s no winning with him.
Gabriel: Still, I think we’re both fighting to hold on. These days, I try to be more considerate and careful with what I say.
Sure. How are you convinced you still love each other?
Grace: No matter how annoying he is, I start praying if I don’t hear from him in a day. I also pray for him at random moments when he comes to mind. On days when I’m not in the mood to talk, I still want to hear Gabriel’s voice.
To date, this man is willing to starve while I feed with his last money. I think all of these are pointers that there’s still love even with all the ups and downs. I don’t imagine it will ever be easy, but we’ll be fine as long as we’re willing to put in the work.
Gabriel: Every day I spend on earth isn’t over if I haven’t heard from Grace. Her voice is the last piece that completes me.
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How would you rate your love life on a scale of 1-10?
Grace: A 7. He needs to be more sensitive and stop with the jokes because they’re not funny. He even calls me Ms Stiff these days. I’m not stiff; I’m human.
I know we’re not perfect, but we love each other.
Gabriel: I’d also say 7. There’s room for improvement. Grace needs to stop letting emotions get the best of her — she overreacts a lot.
Do you see marriage in the books?
Grace: Yes. We’ve come a long way.
*Names have been changed to protect the identity of the subjects.
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