The topic of how young Nigerians navigate romantic relationships with their earnings is a minefield of hot takes. In Love Currency, we get into what relationships across income brackets look like in different cities.
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How long have you been with your partner?
A little over six months. We started officially dating early this year.
“Offically”? Was it ever unofficial?
You could say that. Brian and I are coworkers, and for the first two or three months after we met in early 2024, we mostly just hooked up. It was an office fling; we didn’t really talk about it or try to hang out outside work at first.
But we got closer and discovered our similar tastes in music and books. We’d send each other books and read to each other over the phone. Brian was very easy to rant to and banter with. Towards mid-2024, we moved from hooking up at work to visiting each other at home to just enjoy each other’s company.
By the end of the year, Brian asked that we become exclusive. I’d already developed feelings then, but I turned him down.
Why?
I’m five years older, and I initially found it weird. I knew he was younger when we started fooling around, but the thrill of forbidden office romance didn’t allow the age thing to sink in my head. But when dating entered the picture, I had to think about it well.
I’ve always dated men a few years older than me or my age mate, so it was new territory. It took me a few months to wrestle with the idea and convince myself no one would beat me for dating someone I love just because he’s a few years younger than me. It’s not like I groomed him or anything.
So, I eventually agreed to see how it goes. It’s been over six months, and it’s been great. We haven’t told our friends, though, and we don’t act like a couple at work. Dating is against the rules. Plus, Brian is quite junior to me at work, so even if dating were allowed, it’d be weird to date a junior staff member openly.
Does this age and “seniority” gap at work also translate to income differences?
Yes, it does. But I don’t just mean salary; the difference in our salaries is a little over ₦100k. Brian’s career path is more lucrative, and I’m sure that, in a few years, he’ll probably earn more than I do.
I think our age difference is more pronounced in how we think about money and careers in the long term. We’re in very different stages of life. While I’ve been in the professional space for about seven years, Brian is just two years in. I’m not sure how to explain it, but we don’t treat work the same.
For example, my experience has helped me learn to deal with office politics with diplomacy, but Brian doesn’t have time for all that. He doesn’t understand that being careful not to step on toes or avoiding being unnecessarily argumentative doesn’t mean you’re unaware of your rights.
Also, I’m more financially stable. I like to track my expenses, plan for savings and emergency funds, and all that, but Brian is more, “We’ll figure it out as we go.” This might not be due to his age — God, I sound ancient — but I feel like as you grow older, you learn financial planning. Brian doesn’t have that foresight yet.
Hmmm. Has this ever led to conflict?
Not really. I actually just started noticing these differences about a month ago. Maybe it was me snapping out of the honeymoon phase. Don’t get me wrong; my feelings for him haven’t changed. Maybe it’s that thing where you stop seeing someone as a perfect angel and accept they actually have small commas like everyone else.
Back to your question: I’ve raised some of the differences I’ve noticed with Brian, and we’ve talked about them. It’s not like, “Oya, change how you do this today today.” It was more like trying to make him see that there are better ways to do certain things. There’s also a thin line between advising him to do certain things and trying to change him into what I expect him to be. I don’t want him to feel like I’m trying to influence him.
Thankfully, talking is our strength. We communicate our feelings and concerns really well, so there haven’t been any major misunderstandings.
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Interesting. What kind of money conversations do you both have?
It’s mostly me talking to him about the importance of saving and planning. He lives alone, and his salary hardly lasts a month between rent, living expenses and the occasional outing. Mine doesn’t do much either, but I put something aside for savings and investments before budgeting for expenses.
Do you both have a budget for romance, gifts and dates?
Not exactly. We hardly go on outdoor dates since we’re still keeping things lowkey. The last time we went out was about a month ago, and I paid because the date was my idea. We watched a movie at the cinema, and tickets, snacks and drinks cost me ₦25k.
We mostly do indoor dates, and Brian usually cooks or orders food. The most he has gifted me are free e-books and playlists. I randomly buy him cute things, like sunglasses and polo shirts.
I think this is another aspect of an age-gap relationship I didn’t prepare for. I’m used to receiving gifts from partners and them treating me to dates. I don’t expect Brian to do all that because of his current financial level, but sometimes I wish it were possible. I mean, I’m not dating for money, but I also miss being spoiled. Who doesn’t like to be taken care of?
I get it. You mentioned savings and investments earlier. What does your safety net look like?
It’s still very modest. I have ₦1.7m in total: ₦300k in emergency funds, ₦1m in savings and ₦400k in investments. I’m not sure I can rest until I have at least ₦10m in my portfolio.
How about Brian?
I forced him to save at least ₦20k monthly in his Piggyvest, and last I asked, he had about ₦80k in it. It’s nowhere near a safety net, but it’s a work in progress.
What’s your ideal financial future as a couple?
That future can’t be in Nigeria. Brian has been talking about japa a lot recently, and we’re hoping he’ll go through the work visa or permanent residency route. He’ll try the graduate study route if those don’t work out.
I’m not sure we can consider a future together if we’re still in Nigeria. Our culture is still very judgmental about the lady being older than the guy. So, beyond wanting to relocate for better opportunities, I think leaving Nigeria is necessary for us to be together.
Interested in talking about how money moves in your relationship? If yes, click here.
*Names have been changed for the sake of anonymity.
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