The pressures placed on first daughters in Nigerian households can be crushing. Whether they are taking over parenting duties or performing hard chores in the home, finding time for themselves can sometimes be difficult.
We spoke to 5 Nigerian women who are first daughters about what makes them burn out in their families and how they manage it.
“You’re somehow supposed to take care of your parents and act like a second mum.” — Adebusayo
What makes you burn out?
The expectations. Whew. You’re expected to be the golden child, the responsible one, the one who knows better, whether you’re 13 or 30. You’re somehow supposed to be the perfect example for your siblings, take care of your parents (even emotionally), and basically act like a second mum. Then you add black tax on top of that — the financial responsibilities you didn’t sign up for but feel guilty about if you don’t fulfil.
The pressure to always be available emotionally, mentally, and financially. The black tax is draining, especially when you feel like you can’t even breathe before someone needs something from you. But what really pushes me to burnout is being treated like the deputy parent. Like when my mum calls and says, “Talk to your sibling, they’re misbehaving,” and I’m just like… ma’am, I’m not the parent here. Why is it my job to fix it? Little things like that — stacked on everything else — make you feel stretched too thin.
What do you do when you’re burned out?
Honestly? Choosing peace. If I’m not in the mood to talk, I won’t answer calls. If I need space, I take it. I don’t over-explain anymore. I just leave and recharge on my own terms. That might look like ignoring calls from home, saying NO when it’s not convenient for me, or simply delaying the “fix it” until I feel ready. Because if I keep saying yes to everyone else, I’m saying no to myself — and I can’t do that anymore.
“It’s not by force to become a mini mummy.” — Damilola
What makes you burn out?
The idea that I should suddenly know what to do and start taking care of everyone. Like, we’re all living life for the first time — let my siblings figure it out the same way I did. It’s not by force to become a mini mummy.
What do you do when you’re burned out?
I sleep. I don’t let it get to me. Nothing special about it. Why should I be worrying unnecessarily? If you ignore everybody, you won’t burn out.
This content is sponsored by In Bloom, an MTV anthology of short films about gender-related issues women face. Watch “Afefe,” a short film from the anthology, which tackles unpaid labour.
“You don’t own your life till you’re in your twenties.” — Bolu
What makes you burn out?
When you’re the first daughter and the only daughter, it feels like you’re carrying a lot, in terms of being overprotective and also shouldering the chore. You’re not free. You don’t own your life till you’re in your twenties.
There are sometimes that you see people — your friends — doing some fun stuff but you don’t have the time to participate in it because you have so much work to do at home. That was how I was living my life for a long time. Even after I went to university, I had to school in Lagos so I could be close to home.
What do you do when you’re burned out?
I cry. I talk to my mother about it, but I also can’t tell her everything. I also speak to a friend of mine to just speak, release, because if I don’t talk to anybody about it, I might just crash out.
“It’s mad, stupid expectations.” — Aaliyah
What makes you burn out?
Expectations. It’s mad, stupid expectations. It’s not even the expectations that your parents set for you. It’s the one you set for yourself. It’s very crazy. Like you’re always expected to do really well. That makes you burn out.
It’s not having anyone to rely on. Your younger siblings have someone to fall back on. You have no one. And you’re doing everything and your parents are trying to use you as test run. And they are not doing it on purpose. You always feel like you have to do it, there is no emplate.
What do you do when you’re burned out?
I create my own space. I spend time with myself alone and I don’t do anything related to work. I just rest or spend bastard money on myself.
“I keep postponing it and sleeping basically.” — Adebola
What makes you burn out?
The fact that I had to be a parent at a young age. The fact that I cannot ask anyone for money because they think I have and they think I should be the one giving them instead. By them, I mean my mom and siblings. The responsibility that comes with it, the fact that you can’t fuck up, and the expectation that you’d have to be the one to lift the family.
What do you do when you’re burned out?
I haven’t handled it. I keep postponing it and sleeping basically.
