Sunken Ships is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.
Demilade* (28) and her best friend,*Folusho (30), met in secondary school and were thick as thieves. Their relationship was rocky because of Folusho’s anger issues, but they tried to work around it.
On Sunken Ships, Demilade shares how their friendship slowly unravelled because she began to fear the one person she thought would never hurt her.
How did you guys meet?
We met in secondary school in 2013. Folusho was two years older but held back by academic performance. So I was in SS 2 while he was in SS 1.
One day, we were both picked up late from school, and we started talking. That’s how we became friends. A year later, we’d grown to be best friends.
What was your friendship with him like?
It was great. Over the course of our eight-year friendship, we shared a lot with each other. We both loved the same music. I got him into books, and he introduced me to comics. I helped him study so he could get better grades until we both left school. Our friendship continued even though we went to different universities. Our families knew we were good friends, and we visited each other often. There was just one problem. He had crazy anger management problems.
How do you mean?
When he got angry or upset in school, he would raise his voice or throw things. If the person he was arguing with was a boy, it would ofen escalate into a physical fight. Then I’d run there and be saying, “Folusho, this isn’t you.”
In retrospect, it was very stupid, but I did it because he had never turned that ire on me, no matter how heated our arguments got. I just assumed he flared up because boys didn’t know how to respect his boundaries.
Did you ever try to talk to him outside the heat of a fight about his anger issues?
Yes, I did, but he explained that he often lashed out because he was maltreated at home due to his poor academic performance. I could understand where he was coming from, so I kept telling him to keep a cool head. For a long time, our friendship went smoothly despite his struggle with his anger.
So what changed?
His dad threw a birthday party in 2019 and Folusho invited me and a bunch of other friends. His siblings were there as well, and we were having a great time. Then at some point, he and his younger sister got into a disagreement, and it escalated into a huge shouting match.
They were beginning to draw attention at the party, so I tried to step in to tell Folusho to calm down. Instead of calming him down, things went left quickly.
What happened?
He turned all of his anger on me. He started yelling that I was always trying to make him into something he wasn’t. He called me dumb bitch and shoved me into a table. I couldn’t believe it. I was covered in soup and jollof rice.
Ah.
Yes, o. At that point, people intervened and took him out of the venue. I was deeply embarrassed and surprised. I never imagined that he would ever say things like that to me or try to hurt me.
Did he reach out to apologise?
He sent a bunch of messages on WhatsApp saying he was sorry and that he was just overwhelmed when he pushed me. I accepted his apology, but I put a little distance between us and blamed it on my final-year struggles.
Honestly, I realised I didn’t feel safe with him any longer. I kept flashing back to his other fights and wondering if or when he would decide he was overwhelmed enough to hit me.
Did you share these fears with him?
I tried to tell, but he brushed it off, saying that in all our years of friendship, he has had only one outburst towards me. He asked me not to think the worst of him. I tried not to until it happened again.
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Tell me about it.
In 2021, my boyfriend at the time came to our city to visit, and we all decided to go out for the night. Around 2:00 am, when we were going back home, Folusho’s car broke down on the road. We stopped to help him out, but it wasn’t an issue that could be fixed quickly. So I advised that we leave the car parked and return for it during the day with a mechanic. After that, I went to sit in my boyfriend’s car.
Folusho didn’t like that, and instead of disagreeing or insisting that we should stay, he walked up to the passenger side of the car and punched it. I was so scared.
Whoa, that’s scary.
He didn’t break the glass or anything, but that was so unhinged to me. My boyfriend got upset and took me home. I decided that it was best for our friendship to come to an end.
Did he apologise in this instance as well?
Of course. Over the next couple of days, he bombarded me with apology messages and sent me photos from our snap memories, saying I should think of how precious our friendship was and that he didn’t want to do anything to jeopardise it. It felt like I was being emotionally blackmailed.
I wanted to forgive him again, but at this point, I was genuinely afraid of what would happen if he had an outburst when no one was there to help me. I decided to choose myself.
What did you do?
I sent him a text saying I forgave him, but I never wanted to speak to him again. I soft-blocked him on all our social media, and I’ve been trying to put our friendship behind me. It’s been hard. My family asks after him all the time, and it’s like the wound reopens each time.
Has Folusho tried to reconnect with you since that last outburst?
Yes, he still comments with happy birthday wishes under my posts each year—however, we’re certainly no longer friends.
Would you rekindle your friendship with him if you had proof that he had worked on his anger management?
I can’t say for certain he’ll never hit me, and that’s not a reality I can live with. I think our friendship has run its course. It’s a tough pill to swallow, but I’ve accepted it.
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